Daugher not happy with gift we gave her

[jouxlake]

We bought our daughter an expensive jewellery gift for her birthday, she chose it, it was plus GBP1,000. She chose it, she apparently loved it, tonight she messaged me and said 'I don't like it, can we return it'. which I know is not an option. Turns out her boyfriend said he didn't like it, prefers the next up design which is double the price. I am livid at how impressionable she is, livid at him for undermining a gift from her parents. But overall, I am fucking so upset and really gutted that she had no appreciation for what gifted her.

Completely agree.

Let her sleep on it OP. She is basically a really good girl but has had her head turned by a ridiculous comment from her bf. She is right now, probably having to consider whether to stick with him or finish with him as this little episode has suddenly highlighted the major difference in their basic values.

It’s likely that by tomorrow she will have thought it through and come to the right conclusions about her very poor conduct. She will be heartbroken to have upset you like this.

I don’t think the necklace is necessarily tainted. But it definitely now holds significance. The day she wears it, you can be proud that she worked through her thoughts and made the right decision, whether she holds on to her bf or not.

In the unlikely event that she doesn’t come to her senses this weekend, I would simply ask her to return the necklace to you for safekeeping.

I really hope that your DD can find her way through this and put things right, relying on her own sense of judgement and rejecting that of her bf. She will need a lot of courage to do that. In your shoes, I would feel hurt and angry too. But hopeful that she will make the right choices.

Boyfriend is a dick! Men like this will expect her to buy him expensive designer gifts too while they expect more and more and usually her paying for it ! Please dump him!

I agree with this wholeheartedly. Just go and be direct and kind and honest. Give her a way back.

We are hurt that you chose and accepted an expensive gift from us and 48 hours later because your trivial as fuck moron boyfriend said he preferred something else you had the discourtesy to ask if we could exchange it for something twice as expensive. We love you and we ate honestly shocked that for the sake of your loser boyfriend you have forgotten basic manners. That being said we love you. Don’t hide away in your room. Just apologize and lets move on. Either keep the necklace because you love it and we gave it to you. Or we will take it back and auction it for charity or donate it. Its not worth spoiling your birthday over.

My parents both told me to leave when I was 17.5 and had finished my schooling and I had to buy my own uni books and pay rent and bills while trying to study. There was no reason other than I was inconvenient and messy.

You haven’t just bought her a beautiful gift but ensures she has a nice time studying & not stressing & is set up for life through being able to study stress free.

I think she needs a good old fashioned guilt trip about the sacrifices and costs of raising her and giving her a supported start in life. Tell her how hurt you feel that you’ve bought her a significant gift and your concern that she needs her boyfriends validation over jewellery she originally liked, that you want her to be an independent woman strong in her own style and identity.

Sorry bu I think you are being harsh and ott

livid?! Get a grip

a girl can change her mind?

so what if she asked to return it and get something else?

I literally cannot understand the fuss

I'd take it back. I would not replace it. And I'd be disappointed id raised an ungrateful brat.
I'd be monitoring the relationship in case he's controlling In other waysz. Not much you can do but be aware

If she doesn't like it, ask for it back. Give her a block of chocolate.

Keep the necklace aside until after she and the boyfriend breakup. He seems like a dick and she is way too impressionable.

Regift the necklace to her after she grows up and regains her sense of appreciation for her family.

Did she eventually come out?

I'd say unlikely we can return it. If it's become unimportant to you sell it and keep the money.

@jouxlake are you not tempted to send the boyfriend a 'did you mean to be so rude' message?

I get the blame lies with your daughter but I would be having a pop at the man in this situation too. His behaviour is very off and I would use this to ....
'enhance his education'.

What an odd response which probably says a lot more about you than the OP

@BackOnTheAntibiotics do we know that the boyfriend instigated her asking for the other one?

It might just have been a casual comment that he didn't expect her to react to as she did. It's not necessarily controlling to say that A is very nice, but you prefer B.

I'm sorry, I just don't get it. I would reclaim the gift and donate the proceeds.

Hope you find a good solution.

Point her in the direction of eBay and let her get on with it.

Quite simple don't get her anything else. If shes not happy then she can go without

I hope that made you feel better and you can be kinder to somebody next time. I hope your childhood isn’t the reason for making comments like this to strangers.

"a good girl"? !
She's 20. I do wish people wouldn't infantilise women like this.
I agree with pp. Take it back and don't replace it.

Raffle it to the charity that she has fundraised it for? Op, sometimes we do what we can for our kids and think that they will appreciate the sacrifices we have made for them. In reality, they have become used to the nice life. And fundraising for charity is great, but are their own lives are so far removed from others hardships. Like Bono talking about world poverty

It just a thing. I think you have a boyfriend problem.
More problematic is the boyfriend. My DD had a teen boyfriend, he had his good points. DD grew up, became less dependent on us, in some ways more confident. But after they finished it became clear he was uncomfortable at our house because he lacked confidence and was happier on home turf. He was jealous of our surface happiness and easy going atmosphere which he hadn't always had. Jealous that we had time and money to rescue a situation when that hadn't always been there in his own home.
Behind the scenes he ate away at DD's confidence. He absolutely would have undermined any parental gift, you need a confident person at this stage of life. It's hard being young wanting independence and the trappings of success without having earned it directly.
We're all glad he's away from us now.

OP, there's a saying on Mumsnet that when people show you who they are, believe them.
You say he is a nice boy and maybe he was...is, but his values are different from your daughter’s.

From your posts-

• for the 4 years, you have known him, he has always liked 'designer' stuff

• he has pushed your daughter to go for designer labels... maybe even spend beyond what she planned or spend beyond her means. The whole Zara/Maxmara shopping trip BUT your daughter was able to say no.
• Designer labels are very important to him... so more about appearances maybe not so much content
• He had the audacity to pick out another gift that he thought her DP should give to her. Not your daughter’s choice and not her DP's choice. His choice.

From my POV, it looks like there have been years of him having this 'taste', then pushing your daughter to have similar taste values which your daughter was initially able to resist but now his values have eventually succeeded in pushing your daughter to give in to his taste. So much so that she was able to say to her DP who she clearly adores that their gift to her is not good enough.

A few more years of being in a relationship with him and her values would probably be totally different from the daughter you had.

They are no longer 16yr/17yr olds. They are adults. Yes, they are young adults and learning but in this learning and growing they are showing their characters. He seems to be dominating your daughter and your daughter’s own likes/dislikes.

You said you think 'He will be pissed off that she told you guys what he said' that's a very telling statement.

I think your daughter needs to move on. Leave this young man. He is not her happy future.

Yeah you are entitled to change your mind but you don’t need to come across as selfish, ungrateful and unkind just because of a comment your boyfriend said!

she chose it, loved it and wore it until he made a comment and now she is being selfish. I’d be livid too.

I kinda feel bad this morning, she looks like she has been crying all night, however she has not apologised and is definitely on the defensive. Hopefully we will get to discuss it properly today and put it to bed once and for all.

The thing is the necklace is beautiful and it suits her style, but more importantly she chose it, when we came out of the store she was really excited and extremely grateful.

This is a really sad story. I think I'd just be completely ignoring any more conversations about the necklace. If she has decided she hates it then it's up to her if she wants to exchange it and make up the difference herself. My job would be done and I wouldn't give it any more headspace (except keeping a beady eye on her relationship with her dickish boyfriend).

I think now the necklace will now always be a reminder of the argument and upset it has caused.