Not sure what I make of this - DD and boyfriends Mum (TW discussion about abortion)

[Mybodymychoiceorherchoice]

Dd and her boyfriend are both 17, both good, sensible kids, have jobs , go to college, nice mates, don't drink, don't live in each others pockets either. They have been seeing each other for close to a year.

Dd is on the pill, and they also use condoms. Neither want a baby, dd strongly believes in a woman's right to choose, but she doesn't think she would be able to have an abortion if an accident happened, her and her boyfriend have discussed this so he knows.

Dd was on antibiotics recently and they had an accident, I went with dd and got her the MAP right away (her request) and all was fine.

This, however, has inspired a chat from her boyfriends Mum, who now also wants to meet me to discuss this.

She sat dd down over the weekend and told her that if she were to fall pregnant that she absolutely has to get an abortion, no ifs ands or buts, and that neither her, or a baby would be welcomed if she should choose to keep it (obviously if she became pregnant).

The mum has requested I meet her, we discuss this and sit and present it to them and basically say neither of us would support them, they would be kicked out etc (it was a very long text and not quite as blatant as that, but that's the jist).

I've had very few dealings with this woman, she seemed nice enough, always treated dd kindly, but this is shitty right?

I'm obviously not going to bully my daughter into being terrified to come to me if she were to get pregnant, and I would support her in whatever her choice was 100%, so I don't even know what to say to this woman for the sake of family harmony, because, currently, I want to tell her to fuck off.

It's very unlikely dd will fall pregnant anyway given how sensible they are being, so there's no need for this chat to happen at all.

Dd knows I very much believe in a woman's right to choose, and that includes the choice not to have an abortion too.

I need to tell this woman I'm not having this chat, that I would support my daughter, and I'm not wiling to gang up on, and terrify, a couple of teens about a situation that's very unlikely to happen anyway, but in a neutral way so I don't piss her off and destroy the relationship she has with dd.

I also have sons and I just wouldn't ever dream of saying shit like this to their girlfriends.

”Hi Sarah - thanks for your concern. I trust them both to be sensible and ultimately don’t feel that the decision, in the very unlikely chance of a pregnancy, is ours to make. I think it would be inappropriate. I want to support my daughters right to make decisions about her own body. Ultimately I try not to push my own opinions so that my children feel coming to me with their problems without being scared of judgement.”

Idgaf if that would make me look like a dick. No one would be pressuring my daughter over something so personal when it’s not even bloody happened.

This woman’s insane. She can’t seriously think she can force every woman her sons sleep with into having an abortion if they got pregnant?

It’s a shame there is no male pill to allow men equivalent reliable control over not getting someone pregnant. Her energy would be better spent campaigning for that. Or more obviously, recommending to her sons that they don’t have sex full-stop until they’re older.

The fact is even if her son had a GF who always said she would have an abortion if she fell pregnant, no one knows how they would feel until it happens and if they’d be able to go through with it. I’ve also known of two separate teenage couples who didn’t realise the girl was pregnant until she was basically giving birth.

The only 100% guaranteed way of not having a baby is not having sex 🤷🏻‍♀️

I do have some sympathy for the boyfriend’s mum, you are so out of control as the boy’s parent. If my dd got pregnant I know she’d be supported and be able to make a fully informed decision. I have had lots of conversations with my ds about his responsibilities. She may have gone about this in the wrong way but I can understand her worries.

Well done for shutting the boyfriend’s Mum down. I could understand that it came from a place of fear however, as you say, she has no right dictating what your DD does with her own body. Perhaps when things have calmed down you can both have a calm chat about it (when she’s not in the heat of the moment). Just ensure lines of comms are kept open with yourself and your DD but also her boyfriend - perhaps he isn’t able to have these sorts of chats with his Mum and might need a place to talk things through neutrally

It's up to the woman to decide and your son doesn't get a say. The woman might think she's OK with getting an abortion right up until she sees two blue lines.

It would be far better for you to advise your son not to have sex unless he's willing to be a father.

If I had a 17yo dd whose thoughts went towards not being willing or able to have an abortion if she fell pregnant, I would be strongly advising her that she needs to be abstinent. Even with 2 forms of birth control, she is not being sensible.

if I had a son dating a girl with that stance, I wouldn’t talk to the girl. I would advise my son to not be an idiot and to stop having sex with the girl.

Late to this thread: I cannot believe the sheer gall of the bf's mother!!! Who DOES that? Any normal woman with this level of paranoia would be telling her own son what she thinks, not the mother of his girlfriend! She's actually trying to tell you how to raise your own child, what to tell YOUR daughter to do with HER own body. Unbelievable.

The poor lad. He must be cringeing himself inside out. God can you imagine the kind of MIL she'd make? If someone like this approves of your dd wholeheartedly, I suspect your dd is too good for a "MIL" like that.

this is the first time she's felt uncomfortable around this woman and is keen for things to return to normal.

This is the first time the DC have been in this situation and I'd imagine this is the normal for your DD's BF's mum, she's shown you all what she thinks by letting you have her opinion on their "accident", but that's just what it is HER opinion, you don't have to agree and while I'm sure she's concerned about her DS being a parent so young, as you probably are with your DD, she has no right to dictate to you how you treat your DD.

Does the BF know about the message?
If so I'd mention that you don't share her views in not supporting them if a pregnancy occurred and you won't, for now be meeting with her.

OP you are a fantastic mum.

If the BF's mum doesn't want a surprise grandchild, she should be telling her son to keep his fly zipped, not threatening your daughter. In your situation, I would be telling her that.

Firstly antibiotics cancelling out the pill is one of the biggest myths ever. Their is one kind that does and it's used for tb. So unless your daughter has tb it's really not a concern. Secondly nobody has any right to demand whether another person has an abortion or not and that is 100% your daughters choice

The bf is staying over this weekend, I'll just reiterate they can both come to me about anything and that I will be supportive and leave it there, my dd knows anyway, and I don't want put him in the position my dd was in with me forcing my views, I just want him to know her views aren't shared by me.

Dd knows if she had an abortion I would be there supporting her, and if she had a child I would be there supporting her.

I really don't think it will come to that for some years yet though.

Bloody hell OP. All the nutters are out today. You and DD (and her BF) sound fab.

They can tear, especially if insufficient lubrication is used. Being really stretchy doesn't protect against friction damage.

Agree with this.
Your daughter’s body and fertility choices are not anything to do with her boyfriend’s Mum . If she feels this strongly about it then she can talk to her own son about giving up sexual relationships until he’s 25.

Any antibiotics can cause diarrhoea, which could impair absorption of the hormones because of faster gastric emptying.

why would a 17 year old need to do the freedom programme multiple times?

I had experience of a similar mother when my teenage daughter got pregnant by her teenage son.
She threw him out of the house (age 16) and threatened to kick the baby out of my daughter (bit more extreme I know)
She has seen my dgc a total of 5 times, and not since they were a baby (dgc a teenage now)
Some people are wronguns.
Be very wary with this woman, she sounds batshit.

or at least for the week that his partner is taking antibiotics

perfect answer!!!

So that she isn't vulnerable to being targeted by abusive men the way her mother was?

But if you have sickness and diarrhoea to the extent it was effecting the absorption of medication I highly doubt you would be having sex. The majority of people who talk about the pill and antibiotics don't have this and just either use it as an excuse for a secretly planned pregnancy that they want to make out was an accident.Or they panic and get the map or avoid sex unecessarily.

We do it every year or so, my sons did the same as teenagers as well. I also do it every year.

I had an abusive childhood that led into an abusive marriage and I didn't recognise any of the signs.

I want better for my kids.

If I said we did a first aid course every year just to keep our skills updated you wouldn't bat an eyelid. This is on par with that imo.

Sperm live for up to a week inside a woman's body. She could have diarrhoea after the sex and ovulate and get pregnant.

As someone who has always supported a woman's right to choose, I'd be telling the BF's mother that it's DD's body and DD's choice. And that I would support her whatever that choice would be.

I think some poster on here are bing ridiculous. They sound like the most sensible teenagers I've ever met.

Telling them not to have sex until they're ready for a baby despite using 2 forms of contraception?! Hello conservative America!

I'd ask MIL if they do stay together forever when she'd give her support? Is there a magic age she'd suddenly be ok with? 25 30 35? Do they need to be married, have a house, what's her criteria for supporting future grandchildren.