Not sure what I make of this - DD and boyfriends Mum (TW discussion about abortion)

[Mybodymychoiceorherchoice]

Dd and her boyfriend are both 17, both good, sensible kids, have jobs , go to college, nice mates, don't drink, don't live in each others pockets either. They have been seeing each other for close to a year.

Dd is on the pill, and they also use condoms. Neither want a baby, dd strongly believes in a woman's right to choose, but she doesn't think she would be able to have an abortion if an accident happened, her and her boyfriend have discussed this so he knows.

Dd was on antibiotics recently and they had an accident, I went with dd and got her the MAP right away (her request) and all was fine.

This, however, has inspired a chat from her boyfriends Mum, who now also wants to meet me to discuss this.

She sat dd down over the weekend and told her that if she were to fall pregnant that she absolutely has to get an abortion, no ifs ands or buts, and that neither her, or a baby would be welcomed if she should choose to keep it (obviously if she became pregnant).

The mum has requested I meet her, we discuss this and sit and present it to them and basically say neither of us would support them, they would be kicked out etc (it was a very long text and not quite as blatant as that, but that's the jist).

I've had very few dealings with this woman, she seemed nice enough, always treated dd kindly, but this is shitty right?

I'm obviously not going to bully my daughter into being terrified to come to me if she were to get pregnant, and I would support her in whatever her choice was 100%, so I don't even know what to say to this woman for the sake of family harmony, because, currently, I want to tell her to fuck off.

It's very unlikely dd will fall pregnant anyway given how sensible they are being, so there's no need for this chat to happen at all.

Dd knows I very much believe in a woman's right to choose, and that includes the choice not to have an abortion too.

I need to tell this woman I'm not having this chat, that I would support my daughter, and I'm not wiling to gang up on, and terrify, a couple of teens about a situation that's very unlikely to happen anyway, but in a neutral way so I don't piss her off and destroy the relationship she has with dd.

I also have sons and I just wouldn't ever dream of saying shit like this to their girlfriends.

These kids sound eminently sensibly& you sound like a great mum.

Tell this woman to fuck off.
You'll support your daughter & her choices 100%

How fucking date she. Also it's highly unlikely. I'm furious on your behalf

This thread is batshit. Two sensible loving teens in a committed relationship have a contraceptive failure & are smart enough to ask for help.
Teens are going to have sex. That's a fact. Anyone who thinks their precious prince or little princess won't is batshit.

OP you have done a wonderful job and all kudos to you for being the kind of mum your daughter can turn to.
I hope it all works out ok but if it doesn't - it's not the end of the world.

Tell this woman to take a fucking hike

Condoms don't really break ..

@letmego24 yes they do. I'm 55 and have a 22 year old because of a break.
YOUR experience isn't everyone's.

This!! 👆👆

OP - you are completely right - follow your own instincts as clearly you have a sensible, well brought up daughter who trusts you and has a great relationship with you. Politely tell the other mother not to interfere in your very healthy relationship with your daughter.

Why do so many people have access to the details of this woman's sex life?

Is this really the future?!

A young person choosing who you have sex with now comes with an added 'audience' of people deciding the fate of your womb.

She and her boyfriend may as well have organised a committee in order to tow the line. No wonder that many people feel coerced into lifestyle they didn't want; with this "you will kill any unborn baby" attitude, no one can feel it was their choice to make!

She's over stepping.
She has no rights over your daughter.
She has limited opinions over her son's given his age.

Your daughter needs skills in dealing with bullies. If there was a problem in college, school would be disinterested in you ringing on her behalf because it's not your education.

This woman needs to know, it's not her business and I would take the sarcastic approach because she's very serious!

Just send her a text back saying' Whatever my Daughter & your Son get up to is non of mine or your business. However, should an accident happen & they become pregnant then I will support both of them in what ever decision they make. You may not agree but that's my stand on it. I'd also appreciate it if in future you do not discuss these things with my Daughter. She knows she can confine in me about whatever she has going on & won't be judged' Also tell your daughter to ask his Mum to mind her business, in a respectful way, if she tries to discuss things again.

This woman sounds like she is that mother who thinks she is head of her family and her rule is law

I know someone like this and think she never moved out of her first house because she thinks the neighbourhood agree with her on everything.
Big fish Small Pond syndrome

I would text back, why would she assume your thoughts on this are exactly the same as hers

Surely no one is that arrogant

Why she would also assume that threats are going to stop a pregnancy
Her DS could think her threats were a blessing

So condoms don't ever break? Please explain then how I became pregnant for the third time when a condom split. The level of complete batshit craziness on this thread is breathtaking! OP's daughter sounds like an exemplary young woman who is very sensibly doing everything she can to avoid pregnancy and the fact that her boyfriend is willing to use a condom, even though she is on the pill, is to his credit too. I doubt that there are many teenagers who are being this sensible about contraception and all of the snide comments about OP's DD are so nasty and completely out of order. The BF's mum is also batshit crazy and guilty of a massive and highly hysterical overreach. If she is this terrified about an unplanned pregnancy she should simply tell her son to stop having sex and see how that works out. She has no right whatsoever to bully or threaten OP's DD.

My flabber is gasted at that womans audacity ...truly! I don't think I could respond in an adult or kind way if it were me so hats off too you and your daughter.

Shed be told to fuck off and both dd and bf would be reminded to practice safe sex. There's worse things than a baby and that would be my main concern I think.

I actually feel bad for your daughter ...she's been hung drawn and quartered for something that didn't actually happen ffs.

The BF's mum is also batshit crazy and guilty of a massive and highly hysterical overreach

she has been kind, supportive and welcoming to the DD for the past year

There was an “accident” and the mother sounds very concerned a bit desperate.

She prob now feels red faced at her message

and there’s some posters suggesting basically starting WW3

I actually feel bad for your daughter ...she's been hung drawn and quartered for something that didn't actually happen ffs.

The hyperbole of some posters! 😆

From a follow-up by the OP: "She's [the bf's mum] replied saying that she's disappointed with my stance on this."

The bf's mum is not red-faced. If she was, she would not have messaged the OP to ask for backup in her appalling and overreaching threats and would have apologised to the DD.

i prefer not to just knee jerk after a year of a woman being kind and welcoming to my daughter

OP, you should be proud of you daughter of coming to discuss this with you.
You should also be proud of yourself for doing such a good job she felt she could come to you. Keep up the good work- and to all the moaners the girls was obviously educated enough that she knew where to go and what to do.

The true measure of what someone is like is not how they behave when everything is going well, but how they behave when things go wrong. This woman failed that test after a year; that it took a year for the test to occur is irrelevant.

@MaidOfAle out of interest do you have children

desperate anxious parent? nah, i’m not going to write off as a raging bitch after a year of being kind and welcoming to my daughter

Whether I have children is irrelevant. What's relevant is my ability to detect abusive and narcissistic behaviour, such as being niceness personified until she doesn't get her own way and then starting with the threats.

This woman didn't make a panicked outburst in the moment. She premeditated and orchestrated a situation in which she was alone with the DD by sending her son to the shops and then threatened the DD. She then tried to recruit the OP as backup and expressed disappointment that the OP was not willing to join her in issuing threats.

I'm absolutely willing to write this woman off as a narcissist.

that is my answer then

you’re not

a mother, desperately worried, knee jerk reaction.

A year of kindness and welcoming my daughter is the backdrop? nope, i wouldn’t presume raging psycho and go in all guns blazing

you would. if you had children

Parent do not have a monopoly on having a sense of decency and knowing the difference between right and wrong.

I was a teen taking my younger sister to Brook for MAP. If she'd got pregnant and our parents had thrown her out, I'd have gone with her and they would never have seen me again. If they'd threatened either of us to coerce an abortion, they'd have never seen me again.

I had a grandmother who was sweetness personified for literally years until DSis and I got old enough to have our own opinions. Then she turned nasty. To a narc, a year is nothing.

A knee-jerk reaction doesn't involve multiple premeditated actions over several days. Stop making excuses for this appalling woman's completely inappropriate overreach into the private life of someone else's child.

If your approach to this would be to respond with arms flailing and very angry (so ignoring your daughter just for a start)
then…. well, probably for the best…

You've put words in my mouth there. Where I have I mentioned going in guns blazing? The only person mentioning that is you.

I've said that the bf's mum has been unreasonable and challenged you on your unfounded assertions that she is now "red-faced" after acting in the moment.

The only suggestion I made as to how to respond to the bf's mum was: "If the BF's mum doesn't want a surprise grandchild, she should be telling her son to keep his fly zipped, not threatening your daughter. In your situation, I would be telling her that." That's not going in "with arms flailing and very angry". That's telling the bf's mother to parent her own child, not someone else's.

I've said that the bf's mum has been unreasonable

to quote you The BF's mum is also batshit crazy and guilty of a massive and highly hysterical overreach

wait so you didn’t actually say that?

which was what my initial post was all about! From a different poster

the entire time i thought i was engaging with the poster i actually quoted. Not someone that jumped in.

So… given i didn’t quote you in my original post, suffice to say… can’t say i’m too faffed what your opinion is 🤷