Not sure what I make of this - DD and boyfriends Mum (TW discussion about abortion)

[Mybodymychoiceorherchoice]

Dd and her boyfriend are both 17, both good, sensible kids, have jobs , go to college, nice mates, don't drink, don't live in each others pockets either. They have been seeing each other for close to a year.

Dd is on the pill, and they also use condoms. Neither want a baby, dd strongly believes in a woman's right to choose, but she doesn't think she would be able to have an abortion if an accident happened, her and her boyfriend have discussed this so he knows.

Dd was on antibiotics recently and they had an accident, I went with dd and got her the MAP right away (her request) and all was fine.

This, however, has inspired a chat from her boyfriends Mum, who now also wants to meet me to discuss this.

She sat dd down over the weekend and told her that if she were to fall pregnant that she absolutely has to get an abortion, no ifs ands or buts, and that neither her, or a baby would be welcomed if she should choose to keep it (obviously if she became pregnant).

The mum has requested I meet her, we discuss this and sit and present it to them and basically say neither of us would support them, they would be kicked out etc (it was a very long text and not quite as blatant as that, but that's the jist).

I've had very few dealings with this woman, she seemed nice enough, always treated dd kindly, but this is shitty right?

I'm obviously not going to bully my daughter into being terrified to come to me if she were to get pregnant, and I would support her in whatever her choice was 100%, so I don't even know what to say to this woman for the sake of family harmony, because, currently, I want to tell her to fuck off.

It's very unlikely dd will fall pregnant anyway given how sensible they are being, so there's no need for this chat to happen at all.

Dd knows I very much believe in a woman's right to choose, and that includes the choice not to have an abortion too.

I need to tell this woman I'm not having this chat, that I would support my daughter, and I'm not wiling to gang up on, and terrify, a couple of teens about a situation that's very unlikely to happen anyway, but in a neutral way so I don't piss her off and destroy the relationship she has with dd.

I also have sons and I just wouldn't ever dream of saying shit like this to their girlfriends.

As a mother of son's I can vaguely see where she is coming from. I would never send that message though!
Its a woman's right to choose but do not be fooled that there aren't women out there who baby trap their boyfriends and im sure she will be well aware of that. As mums of boys our fear is that they dont really have any choice if an 'accident' happens! I drill it into my son that he needs to take the protection on himself regardless of what the girl says she is doing.

@Mybodymychoiceorherchoice two words to boyfriend's mum! the first starts with an F and the seconds ends with an F!!! she has really overstepped!!

I used condoms for my only contraception for 20 years. Had two babies and got pregnant first and only time 'trying' with both. We still had a condom break on us twice!
Maybe you don't understand accidents or condoms yourself?

My response to the mother would be very direct. She was completely inappropriate to sit your DD down and shes crossed a line. If she wants to parent through fear then that’s for her to contend with in future years, but it’s not an approach you respect or condone. I would strongly recommend that your Daughter avoid her and their house in future and make it clear to the boyfriend that he’s always welcome at yours.

Quite, they're safe if used properly, plus a good barrier for STIs (obviously not applicable in your case!)
This is a strange story, I can't fathom what is at the heart of it, really.

What a horrific woman. That's a horrible thing to say to anyone. Yes, have a word with her, she's absolutely crossed the line telling your daughter that. I'd be absolutely fuming.

This. It always seems to be girls/women who believe in women’s right to choose but couldn’t consider an abortion themselves who have the accidents too. I had 2 boys and made it absolutely clear that having sex means absolutely no control whatsoever over the outcome of an ‘accidental’ pregnancy. I wouldn’t have been happy to hear about this ‘accident’ and may well have contacted the girl’s mother to discuss an aligned approach to their carelessness. I’d expect her to be as concerned as me. They’re 17!

@Mybodymychoiceorherchoice your dd and her bf are as careful as you can be.
Im pretty sure very few ADULTS, incl all those MNters who are up in arms, aren’t as careful as that. Who uses TWO contraception methods on a regular basis? Let alone teenagers.

And yes having sex can result in pg, even with best and braces. Regardless of what posters might think. So unless the idea is to tell to simply never have sex, I’m not sure what the solution is 🙄🙄

I Hope your message will land well to the bf mum.
Id reiterate to your dd that you will be there to support her whatever happens in her life. Just in case there is a need to counterbalance the mum’s speech to her. Or if she unilaterally decides to try and scare her.

(we’ll move on from the fact the only person she should have talked to about pg was her son, not your dd. But of course the idea that contraception is only a woman’s responsibility is still very prevalent …)

as a mum of boys butt out of their girlfriends lives and concentrate on raising your sons is the message here for everyone especially the boyfriends mum.

This thread is a bit bonkers in places.

Maybe you should have started with talking to your ds about
1- using a condom properly
2- not having sex when you know your partner is using ABs.

Why the assumption it’s the girl/woman fault? And why the need to somehow say between words that the dd must have wanted to be pg?

Teach your ds to take responsibility. Talk to them and leave the girl alone.
When a man/teen boy has sex, they take a risk. Up to them to own it.

I showed my dd the message. She and I have a very honest relationship.

The condom definitely split, dd has absolutely no reason to lie. I've had issues with condoms splitting before now, it's hardly unusual.

Regardless of that, she made a sensible choice in getting the MAP.

Even with my sons if they told me their gf was on the pill, although it may have been compromised by the antibiotics, and were using condoms, and then the gf got the MAP when one split I wouldn't think "better lecture her about pregnancy then".

The BFs mum sounds like a friend from many years ago.

Friends son and his girlfriend had an unplanned pregnancy and my friend (his mother) demanded the girl have an abortion.
The couple refused to entertain that idea and went on to have the baby, having to fight the MiL who wanted to be present at the birth!

Some people are just batshit & controlling.

Absolute nonsense. I know loads of women who had abortions due to contraception failure, including my own mother.

Why are there so many posts on here insinuating this girl is sneakily trying to get herself knocked up, when she clearly doesn't want a baby, as the OP has stated. What odd paranoia is this?

As someone who was born to a teenager and has paid the price for it, I see where this woman is coming from. If I had a child it would be one of my worst fears that they became pregnant or made someone else pregnant as a teen so you can bet I'd be making it clear how hard teenage parenthood is. Not sure that going in with such aggression is going to do the trick though.

Instead of telling her to fuck off, in which case she'll go ahead on her own and probably cause more damage, I'd suggest acknowledging that deep rooted fear is most likely behind her behaviour and trying to meet her where she's at to agree on a more moderate approach.

This.

I would just add there is no way on earth I would ever throw my DD out.

I drill it into my son that he needs to take the protection on himself regardless of what the girl says she is doing.

There is nothing amazing about that.
It should be the norm.
And certainly not because ‘women can trap men. They’re in charge’ etc… But because it takes two to make a baby. So up to the men to take theur part of responsibility. Which includes deciding not to have sex if it’s too unsafe.

I wonder what conversation she had with her son 🤔.

Tell her she doesn't get to dictate to you what meetings you attend and what conversations you have with your daughter, and she sure as duck doesn't dictate what she'll do with her body.

Remind her she can teach her son not to involve himself in accidents that require MAP or abortion, by abstaining or using condoms at ALL times. If the condom fails, he will likely be a dad - something he KNOWS and has agreed to.

Me neither. Your daughter’s control over her bodily autonomy is her right. If BF’s mum doesn’t want her son to be liable for a child they accidentally conceive, then she needs to counsel her son not to have sex. Ever.

She has absolutely no right to speak to your daughter about this any further - she has made her position clear (which has nothing to do with the BF/son’s legal and moral obligations regardless). Your daughters body: her choice; and the law will ensure that if this woman’s son fathers a child, then CMS will be awarded whether she likes it or not. If your children are old enough to have sex, they are old enough to deal with the consequences, ideally together.

So, yeah, I’d tell her politely that you will not be discussing this matter with her at all but reassure your daughter that you have her back and will support her choices. It sounds as though both young people are being as safe and as sensible as they can be without making the decision to abstain, which is the only way to prevent pregnancy. If she pushes against this, I might have to move into the fuck off territory.

I don't know why you're worried about not passing off a woman who has quite clearly overstepped a number of boundaries & needs to be told in no uncertain terms to get back in her box.

I would meet with her to interrogate her about what she'd taught her son about sex & the responsibilities that go with having sex & potentially having a child. The emotional & financial commitment of having a child and parenting.

Oh, I'd absolutely meet with her and give her a piece of my mind. Tell her exactly what you think and that she will not bully or pressure your daughter.

I did discuss those things with my sons. Nothing in my post suggests otherwise or that I assume it’s the woman’s fault. The simple fact is that if the only method of contraception available to them fails, everything that happens afterwards is entirely at the discretion of the female. It is essential that boys understand this. That doesn’t mean that girls shouldn’t get the riot act read to them as well. It’s utterly stupid and irresponsible to risk pregnancy at 17 and if you can’t use contraception properly you shouldn’t be having sex.

She sounds very sensible (DD). They had the accident when the condom broke and she was sensible enough to come to you and follow through with treatment.

I would just highlight this to the mother, but reiterate the fact that you are not going to alienate your daughter. You have a good relationship where she can be honest and upfront and that you would never turn your back on your child, whatever the situation.

She has no right speaking to your daughter like this. Or trying to get you onside.

I wouldn't meet with her, it will only end in argument.
I would just reiterate that you are confident in the advice you have always given your end to your daughter and that her only responsibility lies with her son.
I'm glad you would never issue threats to your daughter, it's just awful thing to say, and very controlling I might add.
You sound like you have a very open, honest, relationship with your daughter, you should be very proud of yourself and her for that 🙂

So the current hypothesis is that DD is looking to get pregnant? She's splitting the condoms and not taking her pills. And using MAP for funsies to throw parents off the scent? Let's assume this is true. How does that really affect the problem at hand? Bfs mum is entitled to throw her son out and never speak to them or the grandchild ever. Where as Op has the right to have a relationship with the teens and their child.

The only thing I'd do differently, OP, is check that DD knows the thing about the air in the condom as I don't think I knew that! She clearly already knows she can come to you without judgement (not that a broken condom deserves any form of judgement anyway!) so you're doing a great job