Not sure what I make of this - DD and boyfriends Mum (TW discussion about abortion)

[Mybodymychoiceorherchoice]

Dd and her boyfriend are both 17, both good, sensible kids, have jobs , go to college, nice mates, don't drink, don't live in each others pockets either. They have been seeing each other for close to a year.

Dd is on the pill, and they also use condoms. Neither want a baby, dd strongly believes in a woman's right to choose, but she doesn't think she would be able to have an abortion if an accident happened, her and her boyfriend have discussed this so he knows.

Dd was on antibiotics recently and they had an accident, I went with dd and got her the MAP right away (her request) and all was fine.

This, however, has inspired a chat from her boyfriends Mum, who now also wants to meet me to discuss this.

She sat dd down over the weekend and told her that if she were to fall pregnant that she absolutely has to get an abortion, no ifs ands or buts, and that neither her, or a baby would be welcomed if she should choose to keep it (obviously if she became pregnant).

The mum has requested I meet her, we discuss this and sit and present it to them and basically say neither of us would support them, they would be kicked out etc (it was a very long text and not quite as blatant as that, but that's the jist).

I've had very few dealings with this woman, she seemed nice enough, always treated dd kindly, but this is shitty right?

I'm obviously not going to bully my daughter into being terrified to come to me if she were to get pregnant, and I would support her in whatever her choice was 100%, so I don't even know what to say to this woman for the sake of family harmony, because, currently, I want to tell her to fuck off.

It's very unlikely dd will fall pregnant anyway given how sensible they are being, so there's no need for this chat to happen at all.

Dd knows I very much believe in a woman's right to choose, and that includes the choice not to have an abortion too.

I need to tell this woman I'm not having this chat, that I would support my daughter, and I'm not wiling to gang up on, and terrify, a couple of teens about a situation that's very unlikely to happen anyway, but in a neutral way so I don't piss her off and destroy the relationship she has with dd.

I also have sons and I just wouldn't ever dream of saying shit like this to their girlfriends.

@Mybodymychoiceorherchoice totally agree with the message you intend to send. Good luck.

"Hi X. Both DD and your DS are doing nothing illegal and are taking a sensible approach to contraception. If she were to fall pregnant it would be her choice whether to keep the baby or abort and I stand by her as it is her body. You of course have a right to refuse to see/speak or engage with DD if she was to fall pregnant and you have a right to refuse to be involved in any babies life. We can all sit down together but you are mistaken if you think we have shared views on this. This is not to say I wish a pregnancy on them we just have opposing views on how to navigate a hypothetical situation"

Ops DD clearly isn't trying to get pregnant or would not have requested the MAP. Condoms do split and come off, I've had it happen to me and I'm a middle aged woman. Now this could well be because the condom hasn't been put on properly, but they took the correct action when they realised.

Op all you can do is politely explain that you won't be disowning your own child if she accidentally gets pregnant and wants to keep the baby. She's clearly worried but if her son is old enough to have sex he's old enough to accept that sometimes pregnancy is a side effect of sex. He's well within his rights to abstain or even end the relationship.

To be honest the only person she should have been speaking to is her son. I don't hear any onus on him pushing for abstinence while your daughter was on anti biotics. Your daughter sounds very sensible. And you're absolutely right not to entertain having this 'discussion.' If anything I'd be more annoyed she sent the son out while talking to your daughter. It's giving vibes of he has no responsibility here.

As the mother of boys I would perhaps think about what she hopes to achieve. She is probably terrified that her 17 year son would not have a say in whether his 17 year old gf keeps a baby or not and will just be paying child maintenance for years to come. Perhaps her (ill thought out tactic) is to scare them into thinking what life might be like.

Yes he can choose not to have sex but yes so can your daughter especially in situations where she doubts the efficacy of the pill. You don't want her to be pregnant hence the MAP. She doesn't want her to be either but is just approaching it from the wrong angle potentially.

No parent really wants kids to have kids.

Are they wealthy/ career driven/ family image types?

It sounds like she doesn't want her DS to curtail his life chances; I'm sure she'd be lovely enough if a baby came at the right time or in the right circumstances.

She needs to be telling her DS all this and not dictating what your DD does with her body. You are right to be pissed off; abortions have consequences for MH even if not physical health so much anymore.

This doesn't sound likely at all to me. Too much of a coincidence.

I bet he's doing the classic teenage boy thing of starting with a condom and then removing it halfway through because he doesn't like it and they think it's okay because she's on the pill.

if you are 17 and you don't want to be pregnant you do exactly what the DD did

Were you ever 17? I would have done the same.

Tell the mother you do not wish to participate in any conversation and also to parent her own child and not attempt to bully parent yours.

This but....could they be encouraged to use the thicker safer variety rather than gossamer for example. It might make the actual difference.

Yanbu. Dd and her boyf are taking all the precautions so of course pregnancy unlikely. I have no idea what his mum needs to threaten them about, crazy to even suggest a conversation with you about it.

If you are feeling charitable i might meet her to reassure her that dd is very sensible so she has nothing to be concerned about. Likely a text is easier though.

Insane behaviour.

Either she’s lying about kicking them out (appalling) or even worse she’s telling the truth.

Disgusting.

I’d be so so so unimpressed by a teen pregnancy and yet even I can see it’s not the end of the world. Imagine being so sheltered you think that’s the worst thing that could happen.

frankly? (I have no sons but i do know teenage boys) if the boyfriends mum is so concerned that her son not be a teenage father? she needs to keep on at him. Not interfere and cross a line with his girlfriend and her mum.

What do you suggest then? Do you want OP to put a condom on this boy and then guide him into her daughter?

I think at 17 this girl has shown sense, she took herself off for MAP after a contraceptive failure, chatted to her mum and got support. That is not the actions of someone wanting to get pregnant, the fact that she discussed she was uncertain if she could go through with an abortion in the event of an unplanned pregnancy shows that she has actually thought about all this. I am middle aged and I don't know if I could go through with an abortion in theory either, nobody really knows until they have to make that choice.

@Mybodymychoiceorherchoice I would tell the mum that you have chatted to your DD, no need to meet. She can speak to her son if she feels the need to.

FFS why are so many PP adamant that the OP’s daughter wants to become pregnant or have a baby - she took the MAP straightaway! Hardly the actions of someone who is deliberately trying to get pregnant (which is what many PP seem to be insinuating).

I highly doubt 99% of posters on this thread were as sensible at the age of 17. I certainly wasn’t.

She needs to redirect all of this to her son. I understand to a point where her worry is coming from but she’s got no say with your DD. She can tell her son to stay abstinent and see how that goes!

They aren't really wealthy career types.

Just normal folk in normal jobs raising a family.

Neither of them want a baby, dd isn't 'adament' she would keep a baby either, she just doesn't feel that she would be able to have an abortion, which is fair enough. I've had one, that was my choice entirely, and I glad I had the option, I've also had kids, that was my choice and I'm glad I had the option. She may feel differently if she were in the situation, I don't know.

I've messaged her back using a few of the phrases upthread, kept it pretty neutral but left no doubt that I wouldn't be withdrawing any support from dd and that nobody should be telling a woman what to do with their body.

Dds bf didn't stealth take the condom off either, I'm 100% sure of that. It was a total accident and they were both pretty upset about it.

Why has this turned into some witch hunt about the DD - she didn’t actually get pregnant! The pill might still well have been effective, condoms break 🤷‍♀️ and she immediately took MAP. It was hardly a reckless risk she took.

i would tell her that she has WAY crossed over all boundaries here - and i would tell her to tell her son every single time he has sex there is a risk that he might become a father. If he doesn’t want to take that risk he can abstain.

Oh come on. The chance of her becoming pregnant with some antibiotics and a broken condom is so so slim. Let alone having taken the MAP too. These comments are so unfair. How many teenagers use 2 types on contraception AND are sensible enough to take the MAP too just in case? Literally next to none

As I said his mother has attempted an ill thought out tactic!

The condom didn't break - have you seen how these things are tested?
I don't know what's going on here, but I don't think you have the full picture.

have you considered showing the message to your daughter ans the boyfriend?

I've had 2 or three break, really not that unusual and especially if you're just starting out, as I asume dd and her boyfriend are. It happens.

Whatever happened with the condom this woman still has no business trying to have some kind of horrible intervention where she plans to bully your DD in front of you. She can save that for her own son.

Presumably her DS and your DD know she wants nothing to do with any putative children and can plan accordingly. In your shoes I would talk to your DD about what her plans are for caring for a baby if she becomes pregnant and make sure she knows how much help, if any, she can expect from you. It might help if she read some childcare books or visited Mumsnet to see how tough it can be to look after a baby and small child while working or pursuing an education. At least then she would go forward with her eyes open to what she is risking.