Not sure what I make of this - DD and boyfriends Mum (TW discussion about abortion)

[Mybodymychoiceorherchoice]

Dd and her boyfriend are both 17, both good, sensible kids, have jobs , go to college, nice mates, don't drink, don't live in each others pockets either. They have been seeing each other for close to a year.

Dd is on the pill, and they also use condoms. Neither want a baby, dd strongly believes in a woman's right to choose, but she doesn't think she would be able to have an abortion if an accident happened, her and her boyfriend have discussed this so he knows.

Dd was on antibiotics recently and they had an accident, I went with dd and got her the MAP right away (her request) and all was fine.

This, however, has inspired a chat from her boyfriends Mum, who now also wants to meet me to discuss this.

She sat dd down over the weekend and told her that if she were to fall pregnant that she absolutely has to get an abortion, no ifs ands or buts, and that neither her, or a baby would be welcomed if she should choose to keep it (obviously if she became pregnant).

The mum has requested I meet her, we discuss this and sit and present it to them and basically say neither of us would support them, they would be kicked out etc (it was a very long text and not quite as blatant as that, but that's the jist).

I've had very few dealings with this woman, she seemed nice enough, always treated dd kindly, but this is shitty right?

I'm obviously not going to bully my daughter into being terrified to come to me if she were to get pregnant, and I would support her in whatever her choice was 100%, so I don't even know what to say to this woman for the sake of family harmony, because, currently, I want to tell her to fuck off.

It's very unlikely dd will fall pregnant anyway given how sensible they are being, so there's no need for this chat to happen at all.

Dd knows I very much believe in a woman's right to choose, and that includes the choice not to have an abortion too.

I need to tell this woman I'm not having this chat, that I would support my daughter, and I'm not wiling to gang up on, and terrify, a couple of teens about a situation that's very unlikely to happen anyway, but in a neutral way so I don't piss her off and destroy the relationship she has with dd.

I also have sons and I just wouldn't ever dream of saying shit like this to their girlfriends.

This reply is perfect.

Absolutely nothing to do with your daughter's boyfriend's mother....

Why does bf mum think she has agency over your DD body? She sounds like a controlling nutter.

Her/her son’s rights toward what your daughter does with her body end once he deposits his sperm inside her. She should be having a conversation with her son about his control over his sperm.

1. you are far too involved in your DD's sex life
2. has it occured to you that the bf's mother got a different story and that's why she's upset? She might not know about the pill/condom combo, she might not know how the potential issue occured at all. Her DS may just have said "we had to use MAP", and not given much other info (not every parent probes into the very specific details of each time their offspring have sex). She probably also knows that MAP isn't necessarily 100% sure.

I'd meet her but stick to my own approach and not be swayed. There no need for it to become a row.

I have had issues with condoms splitting in the past and worked out it was a sizing issue.
I have spoken to a few people about this in the past and it really is worth men measuring up and/or trying a few brands/sizes to find the one that works for them or the tightness + friction can cause the splitting.
There are some NHS guides and others online.

The MiL sounds quite sensible to be fair. No-one wants their teen to become a parent and she wants to check that you're both on the same page.

However, if you're not, then just tell her that.

No need for added unnecessary drama unless that's what you're into. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'll give her credit for realising they were only using the condom so yes this is a good point

She's replied saying that she's disappointed with my stance on this. I'm not going to reply or engage any further there's nothing more to be said.

Boyfriend is here this weekend anyway, so dd won't be at his house for a couple of weeks, hopefully things die down a bit.

I'm not 'involved' in my dds sex life. She talks to me when she has an issue or needs advice. Would you like me to stick my fingers in my ears and sing when she talks to me? I've spent years and years making sure I'm the person my dc can come to about absolutely anything, and they do, sometimes that entails a slightly uncomfortable conversation for me, but what's the alternative?

Why are you bragging about how easily you conceived?

I think you could make it clear to everyone ( including the mum) that sex can result in pregnancy. Contraception can fail. The only way to be sure that DD won't get pregnant is for her not to have sex. That's not judgmental, it's reality.
And DD has the right to chose what happens if she does get pregnant. Even if her boyfriend wants a termination, DD can choose to go ahead with the pregnancy. It is her body, her choice. The mum's wishes are not going affect her son's responsibility to any child that may result. He will still be liable for child support etc.
The mum is clearly panicking, but I think you should be pointing out that this is not her shout, and she can't control DD's body. If she wants to tell her son she will not support him, that's up to her, but I'd be making very clear she has no say at all over DD's body, and that it's quite weird for her to be thinking she has.

@Mybodymychoiceorherchoice Your DD responded very responsibly. Happened to me at 16, also on the pill but still went for the MAP in the morning regardless as the condom had split. - Only ever had 2 other condoms split so 1 a decade is acceptable imo haha!

Boyfriend's mother is beyond belief. You've raised your daughter well, her son seems responsible but if she thinks any woman should be forced to have an abortion then perhaps she should be forcing her son to have a vasectomy. I'm sure she will agree completely.

She's nuts op. I bet he goes and gets someone pregnant but it won't be your daughter as she has her head screwed on to go for the morning after pill

OP you sound like a lovely supportive mum, and I hope that my children will feel they can talk to me like this in years to come.

If she doesn’t want her son to become a father she needs to focus her attentions on making her stance clear to him. She’s told your dd she won’t support a pregnancy and that’s fair enough.

What your dd decides and your stance on the situation in none of her business.

I’m not sure why posters have been quite so shitty about your dd and the condom fail but this MN so who knows!

She doesn't need a 'team' talk with you and your child - she can advise her own child and he can do with that what he will.

This. No one is forcing him to screw your daughter.

I think the poster is saying she had no issues with condoms and accidental pregnancies and that wasn’t because she had fertility issues as she managed to get pregnant quickly. No bragging

You and your daughter sound like you’ve a fantastic relationship where you can talk so
openly about sex and MAP. I remember as a teenager that my mum had zero interest in any safe sex talks, just if I was pregnant I’d be on my own. Hats off to your daughter for using both condoms and the pill, I was never that sensible!
Sounds like your response to the Mum has been perfect, she’s clearly of the same ilk of my parents - scare them 🙈
Crazy thing is the panic I had in telling my parents when I was pregnant, I was 27 and married but I still felt that teen angst talking about anything sex or pregnancy related!

What a strange response to @Cakeandcardio’s post. Very weird.

OP, your daughter and her BF both sound very responsible, and the relationship you have with your DD seems wonderful.

Not sure why you or your DD have got so much slack here in the comments. In fact, there’s some very misogynistic responses that are very concerning. I always wondered what type of mothers raised some of the hod awful men out there, and then you see posts on this thread such as “as a mother of sons I make sure they won’t sleep with a woman who won’t have an abortion”, and then it all becomes clear.

The only antibiotic known to affect birth control is rifampin (Rifadin, Rimactane). If you take rifampin, use an additional barrier method of contraception (such as a condom) for at least seven days after finishing the medication.t's

Op, you haven't said which antibiotic your daughter was taking and you have said they use condoms too. I am surprised to think she might have become pregnant though it is not impossible.

It's a pity boyfriend's mother knows so much about your daughter's views on abortion. I would think most parents would want a teenage pregnancy aborted but it's not up to them.

If they continue to be careful, I don't think the woman has anything to be worried about. Just say that and end the conversation.

I would reply and agree to meet with her and she would wish I hadn't because I would be tearing her a new one. How DARE she be so rude and unkind to your daughter who is being perfectly sensible.

She wouldn't have any choice in the matter as it would be down to DD and her son to decide what to do if an accidental pregnancy did occur. She doesn't get to speak for him! She does not get to dictate to DD, her son and certainly not to you about what would happen to a pregnancy that she is not bloody carrying.

She'd get a long and ranty explanation of bodily autonomy, consent and coercive control, told she is a bully and a bloody nasty piece of work and left in no doubt about what would occur if she ever had the gall to bully my daughter again.

Fucking cheek of her!

This.

The only person that gets to decide what to do in this situation is the pregnant woman. She might choose to decide with the potential father. His parents get fuck all say.
I think for the sake of their relationship, as it sounds like they are great together, try to keep the peace, whilst being firm and clear.

She’s not ‘bragging’ - she’s saying that clearly as a fertile person she managed to avoid pregnancy using only condoms but that accidents do happen hence the pile on of OP being unnecessary…

This. It’s unusual but not incredibly unusual. I’ve had a couple break, tmi but during prolonged sex if fluids dry on the base of condom and you switch to a position with deeper penetration then it can drag and break. Obviously lube can help with this but it’s not really discussed in sex Ed.