Not sure what I make of this - DD and boyfriends Mum (TW discussion about abortion)

[Mybodymychoiceorherchoice]

Dd and her boyfriend are both 17, both good, sensible kids, have jobs , go to college, nice mates, don't drink, don't live in each others pockets either. They have been seeing each other for close to a year.

Dd is on the pill, and they also use condoms. Neither want a baby, dd strongly believes in a woman's right to choose, but she doesn't think she would be able to have an abortion if an accident happened, her and her boyfriend have discussed this so he knows.

Dd was on antibiotics recently and they had an accident, I went with dd and got her the MAP right away (her request) and all was fine.

This, however, has inspired a chat from her boyfriends Mum, who now also wants to meet me to discuss this.

She sat dd down over the weekend and told her that if she were to fall pregnant that she absolutely has to get an abortion, no ifs ands or buts, and that neither her, or a baby would be welcomed if she should choose to keep it (obviously if she became pregnant).

The mum has requested I meet her, we discuss this and sit and present it to them and basically say neither of us would support them, they would be kicked out etc (it was a very long text and not quite as blatant as that, but that's the jist).

I've had very few dealings with this woman, she seemed nice enough, always treated dd kindly, but this is shitty right?

I'm obviously not going to bully my daughter into being terrified to come to me if she were to get pregnant, and I would support her in whatever her choice was 100%, so I don't even know what to say to this woman for the sake of family harmony, because, currently, I want to tell her to fuck off.

It's very unlikely dd will fall pregnant anyway given how sensible they are being, so there's no need for this chat to happen at all.

Dd knows I very much believe in a woman's right to choose, and that includes the choice not to have an abortion too.

I need to tell this woman I'm not having this chat, that I would support my daughter, and I'm not wiling to gang up on, and terrify, a couple of teens about a situation that's very unlikely to happen anyway, but in a neutral way so I don't piss her off and destroy the relationship she has with dd.

I also have sons and I just wouldn't ever dream of saying shit like this to their girlfriends.

Condoms can split it’s an accident and can happen to anyone so it’s stupid to suggest not to have sex. Sounds like they are doing everything they can tbh. She is on the pill and they use condoms. She only got the MAP as a precaution because a condom split and because of the antibiotics she wanted to be extra careful. Sounds more sensible than a lot of grown ups.

I'm really not concerned about dd and contraceptives, she is reliable with taking her pill, she regularly gets condoms, and keeps them on her and in her room, and he has at his house too, and the one time she did have an accident she was straight on it with getting the MAP and took a couple of tests just to make extra sure even though she bled after the MAP.

I wasn't even a tenth as sensible at her age.

I'm going to reply to the mum saying very similar to upthread, that the kids are sensible and we need to have a little faith in them, and I'm always going to support dd, regardless so I'm not willing to have this talk with them ,I'll talk to dd, and she can talk to her son, but ultimately, it would be up to dd.

Maybe advise your son to know all the risks and don’t have sex if he can handle all the possible outcomes

i imagine your daughter has been very vocal about wanting to keep the baby if she fell pregnant
and then they had “an accident”

rubbish. It wasn't "an accident" and i really don't know why OP said that. they had a condom fail and the suspicion that by using antibiotics the pill may fail so they used MAP. Seems entirely sensible to me and completely consistent with not wanting to fall pregnant.

What is "very vocal"? Pointing out that if they did have an accident she won't terminate? sounds sensible to me. She has given her position clearly. If the boyfriend doesn't want to risk it, the pill AND condoms and backed up by MAP sounds good to me.

I'd suggest she gets better contraception or they abstain, also a bit more research is needed into how MAP works.
She's gone about it terribly but who wouldn't be devastated if their 17yo DS or DD became a parent against their wishes?

So what about people who wouldn’t ever have an abortion and only use condoms? Should they just not have sex ever?

I wouldn't even reply tbh. No response is also a response.

Sounds like she's terrified of her ds being a father...also sounds like she's well aware that the decision is ultimately down to the girl and that her family will usually have some influence over her choices....I can understand her fears. However, that's biology and it's tough luck really....and I really wouldn't entertain her.

She isn't vocal about wanting to keep a baby that hasn't been conceived.

She is unsure if she would be able to have an abortion and her and her boyfriend discussed this, at length, before they started a sexual relationship.

I'm not getting fired up on an MN thread, I was fired up when I recieved a message about trying to bully my dd into aborting a non existent baby and came on asking for advice.

You've got a real issue with them having an accident and them going to get the MAP right away, haven't you.

They can as long as they know if it fails they're a bit stuck. They can also not use many powerful medications

Ok but OPs DD was on two forms of contraception, 1 failed and didn’t want to risk relying on the other so took another precaution. I don’t see the issue

I totally get not wanting her son to be a father at 17. I wouldn't exactly want dd to become a mother at 17 either.

What I'm not going to do is bully a 17yo into having a termination against her will, or make her scared to come to me if she does have an accident or thinks she's pregnant.

I was so proud of her when she told me what happened and asked me to go with her to get the MAP, she was very sensible about it all.

I've raised my kids, they know their own minds, and it's now my job to trust in their decisions and support them, even if they make mistakes.

I don't understand why you're even slightly entertaining this woman and needing a discussion on here about it. I hope your daughter knows you are posting it here.

I wouldn't even reply to this woman as my relationship with my children is my business. I wouldn't give it any headspace at all.

How do you know a young woman will definitely have an abortion? Really how and where is her choice in this? If you agree with the right to choose that includes the right to choose to keep the baby. I am shocked this would be anyone’s advice to a young man!

I tell my sons if you are old enough to have sex you are old enough to take responsibility and support and bring up a baby.

OP I agree with you being angry and your daughter sounds a very sensible and mature young woman who knows her own mind. I think you should tell your daughter you would always support her what ever her choices and tell this to the boyfriends mum. I also think you are perfectly in your rights to tell her politely but firmly that you don’t agree with her and how she has spoken to your daughter. In your position I would make it very clear to your daughter that in any relationship she should never be pressured either way in her decisions about her body and her life.

Good luck to you and your daughter OP.

Telling 2 17yos that if they have an accident and get pregnant that they will be kicked out, have no financial support and won't be welcome in either home unless dd has an abortion is pretty threatening to me.

Are you the boyfriends Mum?

Sorry, let me help you with that…

if you’re 17
and your GF is adamant she’d keep the baby if she accidentally fell pregnant
you abstain from sex whilst she’s taking antibiotics
rather than risk the condom splitting….

I don’t mean to get at you personally @easierstill it I’ve reached my limit for posts putting the onus on OP’s daughter.

Why are people de-railing about contraceptive choices / accidents?

This has nothing to do with the bf’s mother’s 100% inappropriate, bullying misogynistic intervention.

The most she should be doing is telling her Ds that sex is always a potential pregnancy and that in every single case it is the woman’s right to choose, so he should make his own choices and decisions accordingly.

OP: I would tell this woman that, tell her not to harass your Dd, and basically to fuck off with her plan. And let your Dd know what your response is.

I agree.

Threatening
Blackmailing
Intimidating
Strong arm tactics

And what’s with the “accident” needing quote marks?

Sounds as if her bf's mother is determined her DS won't be a young father, which I understand, but it's not her place to speak for you or your DD. Your DD's been very sensible taking the MAP just incase so why so many posters think she's hell bent on getting pregnant I can't imagine.

Dd knows I'm posting this. When I recieved the message I was absolutely fuming, she told me it would be a good idea to get some neutral advice abut how to reply as dd doesn't want any issues, this is the first time she's felt uncomfortable around this woman and is keen for things to return to normal.