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Original poster

SIL want to come to concerts etc with us but seems to expect us to treat her?

172 replies

Bollyhob · 24/10/2024 06:24

My SIL who I do like is single and in her 40s. She works, has her own flat and is always busy with friends, dating etc.

She loves to be out and about and so quite often if she asks what me and DH (her brother) are up to going to see a film, for a meal, to see a band or a play she'll say oh I fancy that, room for one more?

I don't mind her coming at all but what does annoy me is that their is always this expectation that it will be our treat which makes it awkward when it comes time to pay for things, she's definitely always hanging back in the hope that me and my dh will pick up the bill and is quite put out if asked to pay for her meal, ticket etc. I think it could be that my DH will usually pay for things when we are out so perhaps she feels like she's paying and I'm being "treated" but that money comes out of mine and DHs joint account so I am paying my share!

I got fed up with it and so have started just booking things and keeping quiet about them but she's now gotten upset about that saying she'd have loved ro see that show and we should have invited her. She can be touchy and so I was hoping to avoid a scene with her but will probably just have to say that she can't keep expecting us to pay for her unless it's her birthday or something.

I wonder if she does with her other friends or of its just us, I'm sure it isn't normal behaviour.

OP posts:
Teateateacuppatea · 24/10/2024 06:27

Can you pass the buck to your DH to mention it to her, making sure to leave your name out of it?

Hercisback1 · 24/10/2024 06:27

Next time if she asks, send her the link "we've booked already, here's where you book tickets, we're going on 16th Nov" then the ball is in her court re booking and paying.

Does she never buy anything when out, like a drink?

Does she perceive you have a lot more cash than she does?

pictoosh · 24/10/2024 06:28

What does your husband say about it?

Flatandhappy · 24/10/2024 06:31

The only way to deal with this is to have an honest conversation which you may or not be prepared to do. She probably doesn’t realise why the outings have stopped so to be fair you need to let her know. If she has a strop too bad but it’s better than saying nothing and just having awkwardness around her.

AlwaysFreezing · 24/10/2024 06:31

Deal with it at the booking stage! We're off to see this, tickets are £30. If you want to come along, transfer the money by Friday so I can book at the weekend. No drama, everyone is clear.

Billybagpuss · 24/10/2024 06:31

You need to start being a bit more obvious when it’s time to pay. Hey marigold are you putting your £15 on card or do you want to give us the cash.

my cousin used to do this when we were kids she’s as tight as a rats arse. I’d been staying with them over the summer and every time we went out I paid. I got fed up and made a big thing of it being her turn, she’d forgotten her purse, I said it’s ok we can go to this pub we pass your house on the way. Surprise surprise she hadn’t forgotten her purse and there were a lot more notes in there than I’d ever seen. We never really hung out after that.

Original poster
Bollyhob · 24/10/2024 06:35

@pictoosh he's told her to cough up quite a few times but it always results in a bit of a huff from her.

@Hercisback1 Occasionally she will buy round of drinks unprompted but that doesn't touch the cost of theatre or concert tickets nor a meal out. I don't know exactly how much she earns but I think it's similar to me and DH earns a bit more than I do. As a couple we do have more money that her and are ok treating her sometimes but she should offer to pay her share and let us refuse the money and she should be paying most of the time.

@Teateateacuppatea Yeah I'll get him to speak to her first.

OP posts:
Icanttakethisanymore · 24/10/2024 06:36

My DP usually pays for his brother. We have more money than him and although I think he takes the piss a bit (always seems to expect it, has money for other stuff he wants to buy etc.) I keep quiet. We do have consolidated finances but DP doesn’t spend a lot of money on himself and he likes to help his brother so it’s not a hill I’m going to die on. I can understand it’s annoying though.

RandomMess · 24/10/2024 06:37

You could mention that you thought she couldn't afford these things from her reaction when she was asked to pay her way.

Another approach alongside is to

  1. Tell her what you are doing and the price "if she wants to come" and get ticket price up front.
  2. You pay using the joint account card when you are out together.
ImNoSuperman · 24/10/2024 06:38

If you are booking something and want her to come, text her and tell her if she wants to come you will book a ticket, does she want you to send YOUR (not your DH) banking info to transfer the ticket price or does she plan to book her own?

Going for meals, make it clear if she comes she will be paying for her own, by telling her prices of things before booking. Start being the one to make the payment, with his card if that's how your household is set up, so she can't act like it's her brother so he should pay for her - in her 40s fgs how pathetic.

People will take advantage if you let them. She will soon stop if you make her stop. Let her be huffy, what's she going to say? @Bollyhob is mean for not letting me be a freeloader?

Original poster
Bollyhob · 24/10/2024 06:41

Icanttakethisanymore · 24/10/2024 06:36

My DP usually pays for his brother. We have more money than him and although I think he takes the piss a bit (always seems to expect it, has money for other stuff he wants to buy etc.) I keep quiet. We do have consolidated finances but DP doesn’t spend a lot of money on himself and he likes to help his brother so it’s not a hill I’m going to die on. I can understand it’s annoying though.

@Icanttakethisanymore Definitely don't mind paying for her sometimes but it's the expectation we will that annoys me and the offence when we do ask her to pay that is annoying. Especially when she isn't hard up herself. It can be £75 + for a theatre or concert ticket and then £30+ for her food and drink in a restaurant.

OP posts:
TheaBrandt · 24/10/2024 06:43

Omg where’s their pride! I don’t get this at all. Is it a younger sibling thing that they have decided to get stuck in a pattern as it suits them?

Hercisback1 · 24/10/2024 06:44

You need to tackle this at the booking stage. Then 30 quid for the meal won't feel so bad! But really, he needs to get the money in advance for tickets. Job done.

Original poster
Bollyhob · 24/10/2024 06:46

@ImNoSuperman Thanks that is all good advice.

@TheaBrandt She is the younger sister although she's a few years older than me. Yeah it's possible she is just stuck in a childlike pattern with him.

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 24/10/2024 06:46

Blimey. I'd agree with sending a link for her to book herself. Eating out is harder - maybe when she says she wants to come, embark on a rambling discussion about the prices and how you're hesitating between two restaurants because of the cost, and would she rather splash out or be a bit more restrained?

Icanttakethisanymore · 24/10/2024 06:53

Bollyhob · 24/10/2024 06:41

@Icanttakethisanymore Definitely don't mind paying for her sometimes but it's the expectation we will that annoys me and the offence when we do ask her to pay that is annoying. Especially when she isn't hard up herself. It can be £75 + for a theatre or concert ticket and then £30+ for her food and drink in a restaurant.

Show quote history

Yeah I totally get it. It seems your situation is a bit different too because your DP is also asking her to pay more and she’s still not doing it. My DP doesn’t ask his brother so I sit there feeling quietly annoyed but over the years I’ve learned to ignore it.

Icanttakethisanymore · 24/10/2024 06:54

TheaBrandt · 24/10/2024 06:43

Omg where’s their pride! I don’t get this at all. Is it a younger sibling thing that they have decided to get stuck in a pattern as it suits them?

I often think this - there’s no way I could allow someone to pay for me all the time, it’s a strange mindset

Original poster
Bollyhob · 24/10/2024 06:54

@PermanentTemporary I think m getting the money out of her upfront is the way to go. Some things she could book her own ticket but if we want to sir together at a seated event then we need to book all at once mostly. There have been times when she's booked all our tickets for play and then when we ask her what we owe her she tells us the full amount including her ticket! DH has even paid up a few times not realising that us what she's done, it a bit cheeky.

If she paid her own ticket and then maybe bought some drinks at the interval then we'd be fine with buying her dinner.

OP posts:
Icanttakethisanymore · 24/10/2024 06:55

Bollyhob · 24/10/2024 06:54

@PermanentTemporary I think m getting the money out of her upfront is the way to go. Some things she could book her own ticket but if we want to sir together at a seated event then we need to book all at once mostly. There have been times when she's booked all our tickets for play and then when we ask her what we owe her she tells us the full amount including her ticket! DH has even paid up a few times not realising that us what she's done, it a bit cheeky.

If she paid her own ticket and then maybe bought some drinks at the interval then we'd be fine with buying her dinner.

There have been times when she's booked all our tickets for play and then when we ask her what we owe her she tells us the full amount including her ticket!

Omg this is shocking behaviour!!

Illpickthatup · 24/10/2024 06:59

Even without the financial aspects of it, you and DH are entitled to go to things as a couple. I would never assume I could just third wheel along with a couple all the time. She sounds like hard work.

PermanentTemporary · 24/10/2024 07:00

I think for now I would sacrifice sitting with her. Just meet up at the interval. The important thing is to establish the principle that she pays her own way. I'd start ribbing her a bit about her short arms and long pockets tbh.

Original poster
Bollyhob · 24/10/2024 07:06

@Illpickthatup We do get to go to things alone as she does keep herself busy and often has got other things on so she isn't tagging along every trip out. I do actually like her and enjoy her company but this element of her behaviour is off putting.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bollyhob · 24/10/2024 07:08

@PermanentTemporary Perhaps this is a good solution in the short term at least. Not sure about the ribbing, although that did make me chuckle.

OP posts:
FlamingoQueen · 24/10/2024 07:09

My dsis can be like this and she has far more disposable income than me! I think you need to say (or dh does) that it’s too expensive for you to keep paying for her. £150 for 2 tickets and £50 plus for a meal is okay if you can afford it, but to add another £100 on for her just makes it too expensive and it’s making you think twice about going to see things because of the costs.

As soon as you are thinking about seeing a show - say to her and say that if she wants you to book a ticket then you need the money from her before booking. It’s nice that you want to take her, but this is just causing bad blood between you. She can also pay for one meal out of 3! That’s fair!

Gatecrashermum · 24/10/2024 07:10

Crikey she is shameless!

And because she is shameless you are going to have to be ruthless with her. She's being ruthless with you, after all! That's what all the offended behaviour is about- she's trying to embarrass you and make it so awkward you'd pay anything to avoid her poor behaviour.

You can either just take a practical approach and then firmly hold the line - booking own tickets, getting separate bills in restaurants. But be prepared for her to be an absolute brat about this, every time. Remember- this is a tactic, designed to get you to fold. Like training children and dogs, if you cave once you have to start all over again with the training.

And / or your DH has a brisk talk with her. "We love going out with you but this nonsense about paying has to stop. We're all adults, you need to start paying your way. If you can't afford it we can take you out once a year as a treat for your birthday. But you're making me feel like a mug, and it's not fair".