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Original poster

SIL want to come to concerts etc with us but seems to expect us to treat her?

172 replies

Bollyhob · 24/10/2024 06:24

My SIL who I do like is single and in her 40s. She works, has her own flat and is always busy with friends, dating etc.

She loves to be out and about and so quite often if she asks what me and DH (her brother) are up to going to see a film, for a meal, to see a band or a play she'll say oh I fancy that, room for one more?

I don't mind her coming at all but what does annoy me is that their is always this expectation that it will be our treat which makes it awkward when it comes time to pay for things, she's definitely always hanging back in the hope that me and my dh will pick up the bill and is quite put out if asked to pay for her meal, ticket etc. I think it could be that my DH will usually pay for things when we are out so perhaps she feels like she's paying and I'm being "treated" but that money comes out of mine and DHs joint account so I am paying my share!

I got fed up with it and so have started just booking things and keeping quiet about them but she's now gotten upset about that saying she'd have loved ro see that show and we should have invited her. She can be touchy and so I was hoping to avoid a scene with her but will probably just have to say that she can't keep expecting us to pay for her unless it's her birthday or something.

I wonder if she does with her other friends or of its just us, I'm sure it isn't normal behaviour.

OP posts:
ChildlessCatLadiesRuleOK · 24/10/2024 12:58

LifeIsNeverKind · 24/10/2024 07:11

There have been times when she's booked all our tickets for play and then when we ask her what we owe her she tells us the full amount including her ticket! DH has even paid up a few times not realising that us what she's done, it a bit cheeky.

A bit cheeky? She's got more cheek than 10 elephants' arses! I couldn't spend another night out with somebody like this, the resentment would choke me. You can't possibly enjoy her company that much, surely? And who cares if she goes in a huff? Seriously, the brass neck of it is mind-boggling.

more cheek than 10 elephants' arses-thank you for that phrase!

LisaJohnsonsFacebookMole · 24/10/2024 13:05

Bollyhob · 24/10/2024 08:23

@Lemonadeand Yeah their is something a bit weird with how she expects to be treated by her brother as of he pays for me but not her means she's somehow lesser or something but it's just different. I will look up emeshment.

Your SIL is weird. Even if it weren't joint money, it is completely fine for one spouse to treat another and if your DH were to treat anyone of course it would be his wife! The dynamic between you & your DH and her & your DH is different because husband & wife and brother & sister are very different relationships...thankfully. Nobody wants a return to the time of pharaohs...

TheHangingGardensOfBasildon · 24/10/2024 13:08

My auntie and sister are a bit like this. They say it’s more expensive to be single, and that life as a couple is cheaper as you can split bills etc by two so they should pay less when it comes to meals out etc.

Their basic logic isn't wrong, but that most certainly doesn't mean that they should get everything paid for by couples, if they're single.

I've heard this from the CF couples' angle - where, when at the pub with friends and buying rounds, just one of them goes to the bar as their 'round buyer' (usually the man), so they expect to be treated as 'one unit' when it comes to whose round it is... except, when it comes to having drinks in each round, of course they still expect one each!

coxesorangepippin · 24/10/2024 13:18

Next time she invites herself say, 'oh, great, can you book us some tickets too, I'll pay you back'

PMAmostofthetime · 24/10/2024 13:23

Bollyhob · 24/10/2024 06:54

@PermanentTemporary I think m getting the money out of her upfront is the way to go. Some things she could book her own ticket but if we want to sir together at a seated event then we need to book all at once mostly. There have been times when she's booked all our tickets for play and then when we ask her what we owe her she tells us the full amount including her ticket! DH has even paid up a few times not realising that us what she's done, it a bit cheeky.

If she paid her own ticket and then maybe bought some drinks at the interval then we'd be fine with buying her dinner.

I think this is the way to go- and saying to her sometimes it's date night so we are going alone.

starfishmummy · 24/10/2024 13:45

Andwhatfreshhellisthis · 24/10/2024 08:24

Right this is quality time with your husband - no?

stop inviting her and get him to tell her - I’m going with my wife, we are spending time together.

I agree. "Sorry, Sis, it's date night, just me and DP".

Dontlletmedownbruce · 24/10/2024 14:09

This is such awful brazen behaviour its almost impossible to look beyond it. You've gotten plenty good advice here so hopefully it will ease off. Hard to forgive though. My SIL is coming out with us this weekend and I know DH bought her a ticket. She will either transfer the money before we even discuss it or she will try and pay on the night. If he insisted she shouldn't pay (money is very tight for her at the moment and he wants to treat her) then she will be very thankful and possibly try to buy a round of drinks. This is how a normal person behaves!

Normallynumb · 24/10/2024 15:24

She's got the hide of a rhino and is manipulative as well.. " room for one more"
I wouldn't tell her where and when you're going for a while.. just don't mention it
It's the expectation that would piss me off
She should be paying for you sometimes!
If she does ask again just say that she's welcome to join you but you can't afford to pay. Ignore the huff

AllyArty · 25/10/2024 19:22

it can be awkward when there is a single person and a couple and you go out as a threesome frequently. The single person doesn’t want to be paying 50% but equally the couple don’t want to pay 100% which is what you and your other half are currently doing.
Would your oh say something like ‘hey sis you know how we always pay for you when we go out? Well it’s gone on a long time now and it’s kind of expensive so from now on can we use one of the spending apps or would you like to pay every third outing?”
Whats the worst she could say?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 25/10/2024 19:39

"He's told her to cough up quite a few times but it always results in a bit of a huff from her."
That sounds like a result.

Its not accidental either if she books the tickets herself and then still claims back her ticket money from you!! That's absolutely taking the pee.

So for example, your theatre trip and meal costs about £200 for both of you but £300 if she attends. Hate to say this but perhaps you need to work out how much extra you are paying for her over a year or even the last two years.... it might help steel your resolve. Birthdays, Christmas or if she was in between jobs are a different matter, but routinely adding an extra third to your outing costs each and every time, when she's very able to pay for herself or threatening a huff... is so bonkers - you should be the ones in a Huff!

ConstanceM · 25/10/2024 19:43

I fxuking loath people like this with every fibre of my being. If you can't afford it, don't go out. The expectation of others paying is just a royal pisstake. My brother in law used to do it in his uni years, and my working mates would buy him drinks all night, he loved it but I pulled him aside and said you got to pay your own way fella. You got to hold your own and have some pride. It's learned behaviour from his tight arse dad who wouldn't give you the steam off his piss. Family off pisstakers

FrogsLoveRain · 25/10/2024 19:57

TheBluntTurtle · 24/10/2024 10:31

My auntie and sister are a bit like this. They say it’s more expensive to be single, and that life as a couple is cheaper as you can split bills etc by two so they should pay less when it comes to meals out etc. it’s a flawed approach as it doesn’t take into account if both of the couple work, how much everyone earns/ what tax bracket theyre in, student loans, mortgages etc. plus it does cost more to keep two adults alive, healthy and well than 1 but there’s no reasoning with them.

you just need to get everyone to pay their own way - agree with pp about getting SIL to pay upfront for tickets etc. perhaps for birthdays you might treat her, or if you and DH get a discount (e.g BOGOF cinema tickets) you split the whole cost of 3 tickets between all of you so you are all paying the same but she still gets a bit of a discount.
unfortunately money does create tensions in relationships so you’re best just everyone paying their way and then everyone knows where they stand.

I was wondering if she expects you to pay as she's single. Is she happily single?

Noisinmaro · 25/10/2024 20:15

To be honest I'm reading some of these replys and I'm thinking why would you even want her tagging along...
.I'd let her off not your problem she is single you are entitled to go out with hubby alone......
No way should yee be paying for her.....

Danielle9891 · 25/10/2024 21:46

I've got this problem with my sister is law. I just ask for the money upfront. We're going to see a Mrs Browns boys next month and she wanted to go so I mentioned the tickets are this amount and she decided she didn't want to go after all. There's been a few times when she said we should have told her as she would have come but my partner told her quite clearly it was a date night.

I blame her parents. With her being the youngest and only girl she gets everything she wants.

Pomollo · 25/10/2024 22:12

My sister an I go to the theatre a lot together and we take it in turns to buy the tickets I don’t know if we keep exact tabs on it but I’m sure it works out in the end could you suggest a ticket rota?

pineapplesundae · 26/10/2024 03:58

She’s had enough freebies!

PoppyTries · 26/10/2024 08:19

Pomollo · 25/10/2024 22:12

My sister an I go to the theatre a lot together and we take it in turns to buy the tickets I don’t know if we keep exact tabs on it but I’m sure it works out in the end could you suggest a ticket rota?

I do this when I go out with my sister and her husband- I usually pay every third time, so it ends up balancing.

We have another sibling who acts like OP's SIL, so we either don't invite them or, if they get really pushy and say they want to join us but can't afford it, we offer to buy a ticket for their birthday or Christmas. The first year we did this, they huffed a little at Christmas when they didn't receive a present until we reminded them that we took them to <concert> as their gift. Of course, our mother wasn't as awful as OP's MIL sounds.

Mumof3PrettyBoys · 26/10/2024 13:28

Hercisback1 · 24/10/2024 06:27

Next time if she asks, send her the link "we've booked already, here's where you book tickets, we're going on 16th Nov" then the ball is in her court re booking and paying.

Does she never buy anything when out, like a drink?

Does she perceive you have a lot more cash than she does?

This!!

Its really that simple. So then its not like you didnt give the her the option so then what can she be upset about?? If she gets upset about that then hun, pass the buck straight to your DH and have him let her know the situation. Good Luck OP

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 26/10/2024 14:09

A friend's DSIL would open her empty purse to her DB (friend's DH) when visiting and he would take money out of his to give. Not a word spoken.

Apparently did it to all her DB's and DF.

She had been spoilt all her life as the only girl.

Friend soon put a stop to it and funnily enough, visits are less frequent.

People treat you how you let them OP.

RampantIvy · 26/10/2024 20:17

People treat you how you let them OP.

I agree, and this should be repeated on all CF threads.

Happilyobtuse · 26/10/2024 20:43

Well, it really depends on the sibling dynamic, my elder sibling is only a year older than me but she treats me like a kid and will try to always pay for me. She also out earns me by a lot, think 40K and 400K! But I do try my best to buy her nice things like a designer handbag or clothes I know she will like. She usually buys me diamond jewellery. If we go to a restaurant, I would never take it for granted that she would pay and always offer to pick up the tab, though I admit she rarely lets me. My BIL (sister’s husband) is equally generous and rarely lets either my husband or I pay for anything. BIL is also a high earner like my sister so I guess he is not bothered with how much my sister spends on family. My DH and I both try our best to pay atleast some of the time and also compensate with thoughtful gifts for them but they rarely let us pay for anything!

With my DH’s sister who is younger than him if she is on her own I or my husband will always pay for her, she will object and offer to pay but we don’t let her. If her husband is around then we take turns. We all earn similar amount.

If you all earn the same and your DH doesn’t want to pay for his sister then he should discuss it with her. It is between your DH and her. You should not get involved.

Happilyobtuse · 26/10/2024 21:00

Bollyhob · 24/10/2024 09:11

Thanks everyone who has posted, I do feel how that we are being mugs, that it isn't normal behaviour and that most people wouldn't be standing for thus kind of thing. I do feel more that I should and need to put a stop to this for her own sake as well as ours and our relationship going forward! Lots of good advice all round so thank you all very much!

Edited

This is very self righteous and patronising. If you don’t want to pay for her then by all means stop. But don’t make it sound like you are trying to do it because you have some noble intentions and it is for greater good!🤣😂

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 27/10/2024 00:01

Bollyhob · 24/10/2024 07:35

@MidLifeMayhem I think you're right that she feels like it's a snub to her in some way if I get paid for and she doesn't. We've told her before it's a joint account but yes perhme using my card to pay is one way to get the pont across. Its just DHs habit to be the one to settle the bill but its no big deal for me to do it if she's with us.

Dh and I do get plenty of night out just the two of us and we also live and wfh together most of the time so his sister coming out with us isn't a major imposition.

Well, for one, YOU are married to your DH and she is not, so her snit over you getting paid for but not her makes her look silly (and, as you've said, it's a joint account).

Next time you don't invite her and she gets upset, be honest and tell her, "It's one thing for us to pay for tickets and a meal out for us. Paying for another person is making it that we can't go out as often as we'd like. If you wish to be invited, you need to understand that you need to pay for your own ticket and meal. Perhaps we will treat you on your birthday but it cannot be expected. OK?"

jannier · 27/10/2024 00:21

I'd say sure the tickets are £x do you want to book direct or send the money?

Beesandhoney123 · 27/10/2024 00:29

Dsis ' oh, I would have loved to see x, why didn't you say etc'
You ' it was brilliant! We thought we might have seen you there, didn't you notice it was on?'

Or when she invites herself or suggests going with you say what's suggested above by pp. Or say aren't you dating x? If you and x go, we could meet for dinner after. Then it's easier to split the bill.

She wants and expects to be treated. Just be straight with her. Or say she could go with mil:)