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Original poster

SIL want to come to concerts etc with us but seems to expect us to treat her?

172 replies

Bollyhob · 24/10/2024 06:24

My SIL who I do like is single and in her 40s. She works, has her own flat and is always busy with friends, dating etc.

She loves to be out and about and so quite often if she asks what me and DH (her brother) are up to going to see a film, for a meal, to see a band or a play she'll say oh I fancy that, room for one more?

I don't mind her coming at all but what does annoy me is that their is always this expectation that it will be our treat which makes it awkward when it comes time to pay for things, she's definitely always hanging back in the hope that me and my dh will pick up the bill and is quite put out if asked to pay for her meal, ticket etc. I think it could be that my DH will usually pay for things when we are out so perhaps she feels like she's paying and I'm being "treated" but that money comes out of mine and DHs joint account so I am paying my share!

I got fed up with it and so have started just booking things and keeping quiet about them but she's now gotten upset about that saying she'd have loved ro see that show and we should have invited her. She can be touchy and so I was hoping to avoid a scene with her but will probably just have to say that she can't keep expecting us to pay for her unless it's her birthday or something.

I wonder if she does with her other friends or of its just us, I'm sure it isn't normal behaviour.

OP posts:
MilletOver · 24/10/2024 08:42

Your DH needs to be on the forefront of this.

lemmein · 24/10/2024 08:43

I don't like anybody's company enough to put up with that shit!

serendipitea · 24/10/2024 08:44

Why not ask her to make the booking sometime? Say you are too busy and best seats will go if you don't book soon.

My friends and I take turns booking.

Iclyn · 24/10/2024 08:45

I would sit her down & with your dh explain you enjoy her company & trips out together but from now on it has to be a 3 way split on the cost . You don't have to justify the reason behind it . She's an adult , and I'm sure her friends don't pay for her when she's out with them .

rainfallpurevividcat · 24/10/2024 08:46

I'd have pulled her up short when she huffs about paying and have asked her why she thinks we ought to pay for her and not just take turns or split as mates do on nights out.

Rosscameasdoody · 24/10/2024 08:46

serendipitea · 24/10/2024 08:44

Why not ask her to make the booking sometime? Say you are too busy and best seats will go if you don't book soon.

My friends and I take turns booking.

Problem is that when SiL booked an event she passed on the cost of her own ticket to OP.

Toiletproblems · 24/10/2024 08:47

AlwaysFreezing · 24/10/2024 06:31

Deal with it at the booking stage! We're off to see this, tickets are £30. If you want to come along, transfer the money by Friday so I can book at the weekend. No drama, everyone is clear.

This.

thepariscrimefiles · 24/10/2024 08:48

Bollyhob · 24/10/2024 08:20

He's certainly pissed off about it but she's definitely their mother's golden child and having myself previously had a run in with the sister years ago about boundaries (expecting DH and I to drop everything to assist her at short notice) which resulted in an explosive reaction from their mum in support of her daughter that was really quite unpleasant. It's a whole family dynamic issue I think we are both kind of loathe to stir up.

Show quote history

Did your SIL go running to her mum to complain about you both? If so, it doesn't seem as though SIL is very likeable. She sounds spoilt and entitled. There is no reason that a single, employed, solvent adult should be treated by her brother and his wife every time she goes out with them. I would back off from both SIL and MIL to be honest.

Daleksatemyshed · 24/10/2024 08:50

If your DSIL is the golden child then she's been brought up to think she's special and everyone should spoil her, she huffs when you say No because that's what spoilt children do.

Long term this could be a bigger problem Op, if you don't want to still be paying for her when you're all retired you and your DH needs to change things now. Stop telling her your plans, only mention the cheap outings, if she asks just say you're having to cut back, that you can't afford to pay for three.

Changeyourfuckingcar · 24/10/2024 08:51

AutumnLeaves1990 · 24/10/2024 08:32

Message her that you'll be booking tickets for xx tomorrow. Transfer money by tonight if you fancy going.

I’d start doing this to be honest… although if I’m being really honest, I’d just stop asking her altogether, rude grabby so and so!

TheHangingGardensOfBasildon · 24/10/2024 08:53

It isn’t right that Fred pays for everyone every single time, is it?

Surely that WE pay every time? This is her main excuse - that Fred is 'treating' his DW as well, when he's just the one handing over family money to settle the transaction.

LadyGabriella · 24/10/2024 08:55

Reiterate to her that you enjoy her company and don’t mind her coming along to things. Then maybe get your husband to bring up the issue of payment - explaining that when he pays it’s coming from your joint account. If she still takes issue with this, she’s very cheeky. For what it’s worth I think it’s lovely that you get on and do things like this as an extended family.

HoppityBun · 24/10/2024 08:59

Umbrellasinthesunshine · 24/10/2024 08:09

We have this problem with my BIL (DH’s brother 5years younger). He pulls all the tricks - suggests we all go out, picks a nice place and then disappear to the loo as the bill arrives! He suddenly finds something really interesting in a gift shop / needs to take an urgent call at the very moment we reach the front of the queue to buy tickets / pay for shopping etc . Always “forgetting” to transfer funds after a weekend away despite reminders. Blinking and looking confused when we are discussing who’s round it is…
I think it was a habit that formed when we were earning grads and he was a poor student and he just decided to keep riding that train!!
It’s funny how it makes it embarrassing for the out of pocket party rather than the cheeky gits but there you go! Last time we went out and he went to the loo I got him a separate bill as I had had enough. He’d been suggesting starters, cocktails, pudding - he hadn’t held back assuming it was on our dime!! His face when he realised! I’m not sure how I kept a straight face. I just said “oh I thought it was a bit pricey for you to cover us all even though you suggested this place so we’ve paid our share”. This sort of allowed him to save face as I wasn’t calling him a CF but made it clear that he was paying his own way. Longer term though… it’s so hard as I feel it would cause a rift if we addressed it directly.

Actually that might be a good tactic, OP. Just ask for separate bills.

But if you don’t want “the discussion”, just ask outright before you book / go into the restaurant: “Are you expecting us to pay for you?”. And ask every time.

RampantIvy · 24/10/2024 09:02

DaisyChain505 · 24/10/2024 08:12

When booking said concert or event you message her with the booking confirmation and say “here you go X is booked for X date at a cost of £75 each, can you please send yours over to me or DH”

No, no.
Ask her for the money before you book tickets.

DeliciousApples · 24/10/2024 09:10

If you can't have The Conversation face to Face ID do it by email. Preferably by your DH. Along the lines of :-

"We've been looking at our finances and need to pull in our horns a bit. Much as we enjoy going out to things we intend on doing this less frequently.

When we can afford it we obviously like to treat you to accompany us, but for the foreseeable we can't afford this, so if you'd like to come to things with us you'll have to pay your way.

The next thing is xyz theatre on 123 date. The cost is £123 so let us know by the weekend if you want to come and drop in the money/transfer it to my bank account so we can pay for three tickets to sit together.

If you want to do dinner or drinks we plan on splitting the bill into three as dw and i are budgeting our savings separately.

Hope you can come no worries if not, totally understand as we are all skint these days".

Original poster
Bollyhob · 24/10/2024 09:11

Thanks everyone who has posted, I do feel how that we are being mugs, that it isn't normal behaviour and that most people wouldn't be standing for thus kind of thing. I do feel more that I should and need to put a stop to this for her own sake as well as ours and our relationship going forward! Lots of good advice all round so thank you all very much!

OP posts:
Thursdaygirl · 24/10/2024 09:12

Even if your DH were 'treating' you every time from his own money, it's a completely different dynamic being a spouse to just being a sibling.

This. A previous poster suggested SIL may feel she's being snubbed if your DH pays (out of your joint account ...... ) for you and not her. But surely its quite normal for spouses to pay for each other (whether joint account or not) but less so for siblings to do that?

NeedToChangeName · 24/10/2024 09:12

Splitwise app is good for this. You pay costs, say how they're to be allocated and settle up with each other

This could be a good way for all 3 of you to record what you've done, how much it costs and how much you all owe

You can be polite and direct with her. "You're welcome to come if you're happy to split the cost 3 ways". How could any reasonable person argue against that?

MooPeng · 24/10/2024 09:17

Bollyhob · 24/10/2024 06:54

@PermanentTemporary I think m getting the money out of her upfront is the way to go. Some things she could book her own ticket but if we want to sir together at a seated event then we need to book all at once mostly. There have been times when she's booked all our tickets for play and then when we ask her what we owe her she tells us the full amount including her ticket! DH has even paid up a few times not realising that us what she's done, it a bit cheeky.

If she paid her own ticket and then maybe bought some drinks at the interval then we'd be fine with buying her dinner.

This is outrageously cheeky!! You have to pull her up on this. She’s in her 40s!

IreneGoodnight · 24/10/2024 09:23

I'm afraid however delightful your SIL in all other respects the fact that she's a gaslighting cheapskate who goes snitching to mummy for back-up would make me want to avoid her as much as possible.
Your DH is clearly more worried about upsetting his mum and sister than he is you. I'd tell him he can date and pay for his leech of a sister whilst you go out with friends and relatives who automatically pay their way.

Thursdaygirl · 24/10/2024 09:25

Your DH is clearly more worried about upsetting his mum and sister than he is you. I'd tell him he can date and pay for his leech of a sister whilst you go out with friends and relatives who automatically pay their way.

Yep - yet again we have a man who prefers to upset his wife, rather than his mother or sister. My DH never dares say no to his sister (due to different circumstances) so I understand your frustration.

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 24/10/2024 09:26

Does she ever suggest and organise for you all? The money would royally piss me off, but I’d also be annoyed if she always just joined plans and never made any for you all herself.

theleafandnotthetree · 24/10/2024 09:30

DeliciousApples · 24/10/2024 09:10

If you can't have The Conversation face to Face ID do it by email. Preferably by your DH. Along the lines of :-

"We've been looking at our finances and need to pull in our horns a bit. Much as we enjoy going out to things we intend on doing this less frequently.

When we can afford it we obviously like to treat you to accompany us, but for the foreseeable we can't afford this, so if you'd like to come to things with us you'll have to pay your way.

The next thing is xyz theatre on 123 date. The cost is £123 so let us know by the weekend if you want to come and drop in the money/transfer it to my bank account so we can pay for three tickets to sit together.

If you want to do dinner or drinks we plan on splitting the bill into three as dw and i are budgeting our savings separately.

Hope you can come no worries if not, totally understand as we are all skint these days".

I consider this a somewhat cowardly way of dealing with it because it legitimises the behaviour of SIL up to now, it's only a problem because things are tight, etc. It was always a problem, always cheeky and unfair. Using your technique, if the OP or her husband get a pay rise, the SIL could expect (being a CF) that they would revert to paying for her. Hell no. SIL has zero entitlement to the money of her brother and SIL, I would be saying this evening if they were wealthy and her poor. But in the current dynamics it is absolutely outrageous and I have no idea how this was allowed to happen or go on for as long and as expensively as it has.

Flossflower · 24/10/2024 09:30

When the bill comes tell the waiter to take 2/3 on your card and 1/3 on hers.
Going forward this can’t go on and the conversation needs to be had about paying for herself.

RancidRuby · 24/10/2024 09:35

Stop enabling this cheeky fucker. I'm astounded that she had the nerve to book tickets for you all and passed the entire cost on to you, that is completely outrageous and she knows exactly what she's doing. Going forward just tell her what her share of the cost is and when it comes to settling restaurant bills breezily tell the waiter to split the bill. So what if she huffs, let her. I wouldn't be treating her at all either, give her an inch and she'll take a mile so you're going to have draw a hard line in the sand on this.