SIL want to come to concerts etc with us but seems to expect us to treat her?

[Bollyhob]

My SIL who I do like is single and in her 40s. She works, has her own flat and is always busy with friends, dating etc.

She loves to be out and about and so quite often if she asks what me and DH (her brother) are up to going to see a film, for a meal, to see a band or a play she'll say oh I fancy that, room for one more?

I don't mind her coming at all but what does annoy me is that their is always this expectation that it will be our treat which makes it awkward when it comes time to pay for things, she's definitely always hanging back in the hope that me and my dh will pick up the bill and is quite put out if asked to pay for her meal, ticket etc. I think it could be that my DH will usually pay for things when we are out so perhaps she feels like she's paying and I'm being "treated" but that money comes out of mine and DHs joint account so I am paying my share!

I got fed up with it and so have started just booking things and keeping quiet about them but she's now gotten upset about that saying she'd have loved ro see that show and we should have invited her. She can be touchy and so I was hoping to avoid a scene with her but will probably just have to say that she can't keep expecting us to pay for her unless it's her birthday or something.

I wonder if she does with her other friends or of its just us, I'm sure it isn't normal behaviour.

No it isn't "self righteous" as you so unkindly put it, its actually perfectly reasonable objective, which makes sense within the context of my various posts here. If you cannot understand that desire, well then that says more about you than it does about me.

It is for her SIL's sake as well as the OP's as currently because they haven't raised it with SIL, they are just avoiding letting her know about events they are attending and she is feeling left out.

Hilarious that a husband should be expected by the sister to treat his sister if he treats his wife.

I’d tell her come Christmas or birthday..I hate not giving you anything on the day, but I guess that’s what happens when you get your gifts in advance, but you did enjoy that night we took you to blah blah and xyz restaurant. Maybe you should pay for your nights out with us and then we can get you a gift on your birthday so it feels like a birthday / Christmas.

Or if she pulls a fast one again. ‘That was your birthday gift, then, for this year.’ Or Xmas.

This is easy to solve using technology lol
Use a split the bill app
Say you've just discovered it and it's great.
If she doesn't pay her share on the app then don't book anything further until she does!
Take charge of this yourself and then you will know that DH isn't secretly letting her off paying her share!

Crazy!! Just don't put up with it! You are both bonkers......

Send her to the restaurant menu in advance and ask her if she can afford it every time. If you pick a random place look at menu and say can you afford it? It signals she's paying for food and when you sit say, separate bills.
Do this every time and she won't be able to riggle out of it. And for shared bills you pay.
I think this will work in time.

Or, we've treated you the last xx times, you going to treat us for a change?

And yes any tickets pay in advance or you don't book her ticket. And she has to get a seperate one!

Next time you book somewhere and she asks to come along be honest a simple, "I'm booking the tickets tomorrow they cost x amount of £ if you transfer me the money I'll book you a ticket as well." No money transferred no ticket.
Id never expect my brothers to pay for me and definitely not their wives. If she huffs ecplain you are saving for something or have bills etc and cannot afford to pay for others too.

Sounds strange to me. Especially when she has her own life. Expecting to be invited on your 'couples outings. I wouldn't dream of inviting myself out. Perhaps saying it's a date night event will put a stop to it. She will get the message. Totally entitled Freeloader by the sound if it . What does the rest of the family think?

@Bollyhob it has absolutely nothing to do with her what you and your husband do on your downtime. you and he are not her entertainment managers!! she should get her own friends, or perhaps this is the reason she has no friends of her own. she expected them to pay for her!

It would help if you were upfront with er. There are two types of people in this world the giversand the takers, she's clearly a taker, this needs to stop. Not a good friend at all.

What a freeloader, she ought to be ashamed of herself.

This is beyond rude and cheeky. Not just the expecting you to pay but getting in a huff when you ask her to pay and the whinging when you've done something without her. Not the kind of person I'd want to hang out with.

This

Tell her you don't need to tell her about every night out you have with your man. I know you say you like her but do you really want her there every time yous go out? It's expected now!
You have to be honest with her, she needs to pay her way. How any grown adult expects other adults to pay for them is beyond me.

Here for tips 🤣 I have the exact same situation with MIL since she’s widowed. When FIL was alive he paid for everything so it doesn’t cross her mind 🙈 DH finds it awkward to bring it up.

Absolutely NO WAY I am paying for anyones stuff!! She is taking the mick!
Just be very upfront that she needs to buy her own ticket and pay for her own food I would never let anyone pay for anything for me, not even a drink. I always just get my own.

Message her next time you're booking something saying' Hi We're thinking of going to/booking xxx. Cost is xxx. Do you fancy it? Let me know if you want to come & I'll book once payment is received. My bank details are xxx' No payment no booking for her. If she comes out with you make sure she's first to the bar to get drinks. You go to the loo & DH has a call he needs to make. If it's a meal tell the waiter when they take the order you require separate bills keeping hers separate from yours. She'll soon get the hint.

This is a good idea. You are still inviting her but it's up to her to pay. My guess is do it enough she will stop tagging along.

How about you whip out a payment card as well as DH? Rather than it look like it’s on him?

Next event say that she can book it, refund her for your and DH’s portion?

The comment that got me is ‘you should have invited me’ why should you? You are not obliged to invite her every time you and your husband go out, you are allowed out on your own! If you do choose to invite her then you just say we are going to xyz and tickets are ££ if you want to go transfer me the money by x date and the. I’ll order the tickets

How does she know about your plans?

Stop telling her where you're going.

It's none of her business.

If you maybe mention where you went on social media and she asks why you didn't tell her and invite her - you have private date nights with your husband. For two only.