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Original poster

Have you explicitly told your child it’s ok if they are gay/have a partner of the same sex?

317 replies

Lollaup · 21/10/2024 21:47

As a gay woman, who had a great upbringing and a lovely family I still really struggled with knowing if my parents would be ok with me being gay. I so wish they had said explicitly things like you can have a girlfriend for girlfriend, we won’t mind or somehow conveyed that message to me.
my best friend is also a lesbian and she said exactly the same.
so please don’t assume that your kids will just ‘know’ it is ok because you love them and have a close relationship

OP posts:
imanidiotsandwich · 21/10/2024 22:32

Yep constantly said or girlfriend whenever any mention of boyfriends was made.
If anyone ever asked if the kids if they had a boyfriend I'd say something about that not being the only option.

Consequently when my DD did 'come out' she did it by telling me she's told her friends but wondered if she need to explicitly say anything to her dad or sibling' I don't need to tell you 'cause you already know'.

I didn't I just never made assumptions

SkaterGrrrrl · 21/10/2024 22:33

Yes.

NotSoHotMess24 · 21/10/2024 22:33

I just casually put it into conversations. Like once we were talking about who grownups live with (because he's not quite four, and asks a lot of odd questions). I said when he grows up, he might like to live alone, or with a girlfriend / boyfriend / husband / wife, or with a group of friends. Hopefully by the time he's old enough to have a preference, both options will be viewed as equally "normal".

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Families
Sux2buthen · 21/10/2024 22:33

Yes I tend to say 'you might have a boyfriend or girlfriend or maybe neither. It's up to you all I care about is that they are good to you and you leave if they aren't'

researchers3 · 21/10/2024 22:34

Yes, to both from a young age as other member of close family is gay no it's naturally come up a few times.

huuskymam · 21/10/2024 22:34

We have family and friends that are gay so from a very young age it's been natural for them to meet uncle x and his boyfriend y. Or can they go to uncle x and uncle ys wedding or party. My son is now 21 and bi and he had no issues telling us because he already knew how we felt.

RoseMarigoldViolet · 21/10/2024 22:34

Yes, we have always said it to them. Now they are teenagers, they roll their eyes when we say it but at least the message has been communicated. Boyfriend or girlfriend, either would be totally fine.

LBOCS2 · 21/10/2024 22:34

NowImNotDoingIt · 21/10/2024 21:55

Yes.

"When you're older and you have a boyfriend or girlfriend..."
and variations of including marriage to a man or woman(if she wants to get married).

This is exactly what we've always said. They are both equal and viable options for our kids, so they're both on the table.

DD1 told us about 18mo ago she felt that she was attracted to girls. It's not a big deal.

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 21/10/2024 22:34

I’m not sure ‘coming out is too much of a thing nowadays’. Most people are absolutely fine with the sexuality of others and my kids have been told countless times that they might grow up and have a girlfriend or boyfriend. Now they are a bit older this gets met with an eye roll lol. They don’t care. I don’t care.

Chocochick · 21/10/2024 22:36

We have always said to
my two boys that they are free to be single if they want to, have a partner of the opposite or same sex and that it makes no difference whatsoever. Also, that having children is a choice and not a duty. Sadly, my youngest came to tell me that my mother had explicitly told him she wouldn’t want him to be gay and when I confronted her, not only did she admit to it but kept calling me too “woke” for telling my children they could be who they wanted. Unbelievable.

TeamPolin · 21/10/2024 22:36

We've basically always said matter of factly to DS that one day he might have a girlfriend or a boyfriend, it's up to him who he chooses. Just make sure they are kind.

Heartofglass12345 · 21/10/2024 22:36

Yes always have, my sons are 9 & 11 now Smile

marmadukedoggo · 21/10/2024 22:37

No ( apparently only me according to this thread), but we were great friends with our gay male NDN , my kids grew up next door to them, we went to their parties and went to their wedding so it was just a part of life. We are very much an anyone can say anything family. We have been through some stuff ( not sexuality related) and one of my kids announcing they were gay would barely register on anyone's radar.
We are a "love you" family though. My youngest won't leave the house without saying it to me ( and me in return obvs) , my older 20's kids who live away always say "bye mum, love you" if leaving after a visit( with a huge hug), or before hanging up after a call.
They know they are loved unconditionally. I just didn't bring it up specifically. More in an everybody is different way. They have all turned out more left wing and accepting of pretty much anything than me so seems to have worked . I got regular lectures from my 30yo about my GC views being so out of step with all my other views, and the "times". He's given up now and has me in a box as ( world's loveliest mum and big softie except when it comes to TRA). I'm happy with that.

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 21/10/2024 22:39

Not yet as kids are too young for boyfriend girlfriend chat, but we've had a chat about how some kids have 2 mummies, some have 2 daddies etc, that love is love etc,

I definitely don't want them to grow up with jokes being made like from my dad.

Lifeisgood1 · 21/10/2024 22:40

Yes from a young age but also said there doesn't need to be any 'coming out'. No one announces they are straight. If they're happy and their partner treats them well then that's all that matters. Just this is my partner/boyfriend/girlfriend

Saschka · 21/10/2024 22:42

We also do the “when you have a boyfriend or girlfriend” line, and we also have several friends in same sex marriages, so hopefully it’s obvious we wouldn’t have a problem with it.

PureBoggin · 21/10/2024 22:42

It's so interesting to watch younger folk not quite computing that their lovely, left leaning, gay rights supporting, anti-racist, middle-aged relatives aren't evil Nazis for questioning gender @marmadukedoggo . My teenager is the same.

TypingoftheDead · 21/10/2024 22:44

I don’t have children, but I’d certainly tell them it was ok if they realised they were gay or lesbian. I’m not a lesbian, but I’m not sure if my a-parents would have been ok with it or not. Sadly they’ve paid lip service to certain ideas, in front of others, and under the next breath I’ve heard what was more likely their real opinion.

Phase2 · 21/10/2024 22:45

They've grown up with married aunties so it's always been obvious you can marry same sex. It's just been modelled as accepted. But like pp we've always said boyfriend or girlfriend or if you choose to stay single etc

TashaTudor · 21/10/2024 22:47

Lollaup · 21/10/2024 21:47

As a gay woman, who had a great upbringing and a lovely family I still really struggled with knowing if my parents would be ok with me being gay. I so wish they had said explicitly things like you can have a girlfriend for girlfriend, we won’t mind or somehow conveyed that message to me.
my best friend is also a lesbian and she said exactly the same.
so please don’t assume that your kids will just ‘know’ it is ok because you love them and have a close relationship

My teenage son is figuring out his sexuality and I feel really pleased that he can talk to me about it. He finds lots of things beautiful including men and women but would rather not do anything sexual with anyone so we've had discussions about different sexualities and it's ok to explore and figure out who you are and even as adults a lot of people don't fit into one category and he might be sexually interested when older or he might not and there's nothing wrong with whatever he turns out to be

nosmartphone · 21/10/2024 22:47

No. And I don't plan to. Bit bored of hearing about gays and lesbians and transgenders tbh. Do what you want as an adult but would love to hear about it's ok and actually quite normal to be heterosexual. To be fair, the pair of them are sick to death about having it rammed down their throats, even in primary school (last week it was about gay penguins)

cue everyone kicking off

Elizo · 21/10/2024 22:48

Yes, something to the effect of - just know if you were gay dad and I would always support and love you

Onlyonekenobe · 21/10/2024 22:49

No, never have and probably won’t. It’s not a big enough deal to warrant noting. There are loads of same-sex parents amongst my DCs’ friends, it’s totally unremarkable. We also live near SoHo in NYC, so…

However, we do say “if and when you ever have children of your own”, because they don't know yet that children aren’t or may not be an inevitability for them.

Tisfortired · 21/10/2024 22:49

We also do the ‘one day when you have a girlfriend or boyfriend…’ I’ve done it since he was old enough to understand what a relationship is. He knows families come in all sorts of shapes and sizes and I really and truly hope he will never struggle to tell me all about who he loves.

RampantIvy · 21/10/2024 22:50

Yes. When DD told me she was dating a girl I asked all about her. I then asked DD if she had been nervous to tell me and she said that she knew it would be fine because I had always said it didn't matter.

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