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Original poster

Have you explicitly told your child it’s ok if they are gay/have a partner of the same sex?

317 replies

Lollaup · 21/10/2024 21:47

As a gay woman, who had a great upbringing and a lovely family I still really struggled with knowing if my parents would be ok with me being gay. I so wish they had said explicitly things like you can have a girlfriend for girlfriend, we won’t mind or somehow conveyed that message to me.
my best friend is also a lesbian and she said exactly the same.
so please don’t assume that your kids will just ‘know’ it is ok because you love them and have a close relationship

OP posts:
flymetothemoo · 21/10/2024 22:11

Yes - very young age and I always say "if you have a girlfriend or boyfriend one day".

Maddy70 · 21/10/2024 22:12

My childrens god parents are gay and so are many of their role models. Mine always knew it was fine. Many of their friends are gay.

I don't recall ever explicitly telling them it was fine to be as it was being modelled all around them

Titsywoo · 21/10/2024 22:12

I always said to my kids if you ever have a girlfriend or boyfriend. Turns out they are both bisexual and never "came out" to me as it was never considered a big deal.

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UmopapIsdn · 21/10/2024 22:14

Yes, from a young age I've always said girlfriend OR boyfriend and also made sure they knew that not wanting a relationship with anyone was a totally valid choice too.

One DS is bi and the other is straight but both know that this doesn’t have to be a fixed thing either. You grow and change and this can include sexuality.

Edited to add: I’m bi but have never come out to my parents. They were never homophobic at all but it was never a conversation that came up naturally and I didn’t know how to do it.

RufustheFactuaIReindeer · 21/10/2024 22:15

I got told by mil and a friend that if i kept talking to my eldest about him potentially having a boyfriend/girlfriend that i would turn him gay

he is gay but i don’t reckon thats the reason 😀

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 21/10/2024 22:15

I’ve said it. DD 11 just says that’s good but I’m really not and I just said well as long as you’re happy it’s all good. Also one of her best friends has two mums so it’s been ‘normal’ for her.

Singleandproud · 21/10/2024 22:16

Yes it was just normal from the very beginning from toddler / early years really when talking about weddings etc. "When you are older and might choose to have a husband or wife...."

DD 'came out' as bi in year 7 and as a lesbian in year 8. I wasn't thrilled about it....not the being same sex attracted that's a non-issue but just labelling those sorts of feelings so early really, I would have felt the same if she was heterosexual too. I'd rather she just focussed on her studies and let her likes and dislikes develop as she does, rather than the current focus in schools on LGBTQ+ and the need to declare a preference so early. Having worked in a Secondary school declaring yourself a lesbian and having a gf (who is mostly a best friend) seems to be a protective thing alot of the time to avoid the toxic masculinity, being called frigid or whatever the modern version is for not being in to boys.

HulaHoopz · 21/10/2024 22:16

Absolutely yes. DD is 6. She knows all about ladies marrying ladies and men marrying men. I've told her if she marries a lady that's ok or if she marries a man that's also OK. It's just love at the end of the day.

In comparison to her father, my ex, who is a racist and homophobe who is trying unsuccessfully to incite her to hate, DDs largest friendship group is mostly black kids and I've also taken her to a few gay pride festivals because I want her to know its just love at the end of the day and there's no place for hate or non acceptance in our world.

There's nothing DD could do that would make me not love her. She knows my love is unconditional no matter what and I want her to feel safe and happy and know she has my blessing and support whoever she chooses to be with in her later life, as long as they treat her right.

BunnyLake · 21/10/2024 22:19

Yes. I used to say to them never to worry if they were gay that it wasn’t an issue in our house. They’re not gay but I think them just explicitly knowing it was fine if they were was very important.

Crazyeight · 21/10/2024 22:19

Yes, we've said whatever makes her happy as long as her partner makes her feel safe too. I have said she's not identifying as a cat though, she hasn't tried but thought I'd preempt it.

toomuchcardboard · 21/10/2024 22:20

As an aging hippy I've always been open about my attitudes to sex with my kids. I was a bit peeved when my daughter and her girlfriend broke the double bed in our spare bedroom...

Beezknees · 21/10/2024 22:20

Yes. My best friend who I've known my whole life is a gay man so DS has also grown up with an LGBT person close to us.

DS is 16 and hasn't had a girlfriend yet although I believe he is interested in girls rather than boys, but he's quite a shy nerdy type so I expect he may be a late bloomer which is fine.

Nextdoor55 · 21/10/2024 22:20

Treating someone different for being gay is very 1980's isn't it?
I'm ok with mine being same sex relationship & trans, told them I totally support. This is one challenge that parents face now.
I feel it's important to accept people as they are & this is an essential part of any development of trust or relationship.

tuberole · 21/10/2024 22:20

Yes, always have done, even now they're teens I will say "your husband or wife, if you get married" always have done. They mostly correct me over the fact they don't intend to ever get married lol, they don't mention the fact I raise a man or a woman.

nopenotplaying · 21/10/2024 22:22

Yes. I've got 5 children so I can expect one of them is likely to be gay. They all know they just need to be happy 😊

tediber · 21/10/2024 22:23

Yes I've mentioned when they are older and have a boyfriend then said oh or a girlfriend.

My eldest told me she had a crush on one of her girl friends when she was about 5, I just said oh do u. She's now 7 and has a boyfriend lol I can't keep up with her. My youngest has told me a little boy in her class has 2 mummies. It's thankfully a different world now and it's just totally normal to them (how it should have always been).

mammaCh · 21/10/2024 22:23

Yes, always, since they were young enough to talk about boy/girlfriends.
It truly doesn't matter to me who they date, as long as they're happy and treated well.

Yousay55 · 21/10/2024 22:26

I did with my ds about 12/13 but interestingly, I didn’t tell my dd, who then told me she thinks she’s bi when she was 14.
I don’t know why I didn’t, so you’ve raised a good point, op. My dd was nervous to tell me, which is sad. I have given her lots of reassurance that I don’t care whether she’s straight/gay/bi etc and love her so much.

DrMadelineMaxwell · 21/10/2024 22:27

I've got 2 dd. Both now early 20s. Neither has ever talked about having a boyfriend. The eldest isn't very sociable or outgoing, and is happy in her own company, so it doesn't surprise me.
The younger one, much more sociable. I've once or twice very matter-of-fact asked if she had a boyfriend or a girlfriend. The first time she avoided the question. The second time, she told me 'It won't be a girlfriend, Mum' but hopefully she felt that it would have been fine if it had been.

Blibbleflibble · 21/10/2024 22:28

We'll be saying boyfriend or girlfriend to DS and try not to assume his sexuality (and also want him to think all sexualities are completely normal if he turns out to be hetero), but he's 4 so at the mo I let him know there's Mummy and Daddies and Mummy and Mummies and Daddy and Daddies as well as single parents of course. Xx

Ponderingwindow · 21/10/2024 22:28

She was so nervous when she came out. She was 12.

one thing we did ask is if it was information we should share or information we should keep private. She asked that we share with one branch of the family and keep private with another. There are understanding people in the later, but she didn’t want them to have to keep secrets

in retrospect, I think I would add that to my regular conversation starting from a young age. When someone shares information about it they ever want a girlfriend or a boyfriend or if they ever want to get married or have children, that is private unless they say you can share. But much less clunky and appropriate for a 3yo. I haven’t worked on the script yet. I think dd was nervous not about telling us, but about her extended family.

Scutterbug · 21/10/2024 22:30

Yes. Mine were raised that we fall in love with the person, not the sex.

mindutopia · 21/10/2024 22:30

Yes, obviously when it’s age appropriate (I don’t really talk to my 6 year old about having a partner generally). But I always try to make it clear when I talk about relationships that I think it’s just as okay to have a partner of the same sex as the opposite. Or try really hard not to make heteronormative assumptions about anyone’s relationships when I talk about them in front of my dc. Mine aren’t of the age to be dating yet, but yes, I will say it very explicitly. Quite a few of my close friends are gay/lesbian/queer and I’m quite outwardly supportive of LGBTQ causes, so I hope it’s obvious to them that this is a perfectly great thing.

motherdaughter · 21/10/2024 22:30

Yup. Dds response " I'm not gay,mum, I just don't want to date boys".
Clear as mud then.

TobiasForgesContactLense · 21/10/2024 22:30

Yes literally from birth as the guys next door got married the week after DS was born. One of them had made him a beautiful quilt. He went to his first Pride at 6 months.

I can't see a reason not to casually mention that you are allowed to live with/marry anyone now at a really young age.

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