I've just walked through the door after a much needed week away ...

[Alongstretchhome]

It was a weeks holiday to get away from lots of stress. Lovely break just what I needed. But .. I walked through the door, exhausted, to a message from a friend asking me for (another) favour. This friend knew I was due home this evening. I hadn't even seen my DDs before the phone is pinging for a favour. Dh moaning at me that I'm on my phone as soon as we get in (lots of messages back & forth with friend re the favour), dh then decides we're all getting a takeaway, fine with me, but I'm then being pressed to chose my dishes and make the call to the takeaway (he can't call) while I'm sorting out friend. My sister then messages me to say "I assume you are home" ie I've not heard from you that you are home OK. Cue quick message to her, who I can tell is annoyed.
All I wanted was a cup of coffee and a hot shower after a long flight.

Why did you even click on the message.

No wonder your DH was annoyed.

You should have gone in and seen your DH and DCs and found out what they want from the takeaway.
Order it and carry on having a catch up with your family and then say down with your food to relax and then worried about replying to people.

It would have been a good hour before I even looked at my phone.

Do you have it set up to show previews of messages?

This might be a good idea, so you know whether to click on it right away or leave it for a while.

What a load of completely avoidable drama!

well I guess the wellness retreat is going to have been a complete waste of money if you’re literally racing to pick up the Martyr Cloak the second you get back.

This is all you. You chose to put martyrdom, sorry your needy friend, above the people you actually owe your attention to - your children. Sorry but your OP leaves a nasty taste in the mouth. Whine whine, I’m sooooo put upon. No, if you literally can’t wait to be walked upon the second you get through the door, be silly enough to go ahead and answer the messages. But your family won’t feel sorry for you, they’ll be rightly pissed off.

Come on, she said "can't". I read that as having some specific issue preventing the call.

Why is your sister harassing you, do you have to report your movements to her, and she's pissed off when you don't immediately do that? I don't understand this!

I wouldn’t have read the messages till the next day. Can your takeaways be done on the internet, less hassle all round whoever is doing it.

Sometimes people can't relax until they have dealt with all the pending stuff. Including knowing what an incoming message says, and responding to get it out of the way.

But it is worth learning to ignore such feelings as a) some things take automatic precedence b) most stuff can wait. c) everyone has an infinite to-do list so you can't actually get everything out of the way. Which leads to stress.

If you are away you escape the infinitely list. Then you come back and nothing has changed. The infinite list may well have even got longer while you were away...

Sorry, I just think grow a back bone. When you saw message from nightmare friend I would think ‘Oh here we go’ and ignore it. Thats the beauty of a phone. It’s not a front door, you can’t just turn it off, put it on silent, or fire off a message that takes 30 seconds tops. I’d reply to sister. ‘Just walked in, had a great week, exhausted after a nightmare journey back though, bout to order a Chinese and collapse on sofa. Speak in the morning, hope all well with you lots of love.

You are in charge. You are allowed to be selfish and reply when you’re ready.

Turn. Your. Phone. Off.

Pay attention to your needs.

Interact with your partner.

The Please MEs can wait.

You could've just messaged your Sis " home safely" as she is family and turned your phone off
Weren't you keen to see your DH and DC?
Then... you start a thread on Mumsnet!
You've undone all the teachings of uour wellness retreat in seconds, ironically

I don't understand why you are engaging this friend who seems to demand a lot of your time, as soon as you get in the door. You can decide not to message back immediately and get back to her in a day or two. it seems you need to work on boundaries and be fully present when with your family.

Stop being a martyr then. You’re choosing the drama.

I have a relative who does this. “I was just in the door and everyone was phoning me.” She encourages them all to do it by being in contact with them everyday so it’s becomes expected. They all update each other with every little detail of their lives. I’d find that exhausting.

Switch off your phone. Tell people you’re busy and it’ll need to wait until tomorrow.

All being a people pleaser will do is make you tired and resentful. Remember, if people disappear because you aren't doing things for them, it wasn't about you, it was all about them. No is a complete sentence.

You could have ignored the friend and a quick message to your sister on landing would have meant all your time would have been for your family.

Another bloody martyr.

But with all the other martyrdom, it does come across like he was slacking off...

I admit I haven't RTFT and have no idea how old your DDS are but if I'd been away for a week I would be hugging my DH and DS16 (who'd moan about me being mushy but hug back) and tomorrow I'd probably look at my phone

If anyone here should be whinging it's your DDs and DH as it seems your friend was more important

The fact that you own a telephone does not imply that you are endlessly available. Don't check your messages or answer the phone when you've just got home and need to spend time with your family. It really is as simple as that. You can do it tomorrow, or whenever you have a free moment.

I would turn the phone off, get DH to make a cuppa while you call the takeaway and shower before it’s delivered. Then text sister - back, exhausted & busy, will call soon. The friend can wait until tomorrow.

Swap phones with husband, he deals with messages on yours
" she's fine, just walked through door, will be in touch tomorrow".
You order takeaway on his, after you've greeted children.

And you! You get to concentrate on yourself too. Do not reply to friend again tonight. Do not reply within a minimum of 30 minutes if it all starts again. It sounds like you should consider saying no to more favours, but you can absolutely reply ‘just back, family dinner now, I’ve missed them. I will look at this tomorrow.’

Just send a message saying you've just arrived home, are exhausted and need some downtime with your family. You'll chat soon. Then Turn your phone OFF!! Easy. Have boundaries.

Do any of your takeaways have an order online or in app service?

I know how hard if can be even just thinking about how to put boundaries in place and how that will make you feel, but it is the answer. You could start by not replying immediately, maybe thats just an hour to start. 'Friend' contacting for a favour can wait to hear from you until tomorrow next time, that's really not the behaviour of a friend. Couldn't your DH have texted your sister back while you ordered? He also put things on you as soon as you walked in. He could have had something organised already for dinner. Boundaries are the answer, you csn asert them slowly, but it really is the only way with people who put too much onto you. You will have to sit with the uncomfortable feelings you get from not answering straight away, but you really need to start putting some boundaries in place before you burn out.

Your partner and kids should have come first - instead of picking a few dishes and ordering a takeaway, you prioritised your friend and sister. That's ridiculous!

This is on you OP. You didn’t have to respond to your friend there and then. And I wouldn’t be happy either if my husband came back after a week away and was glued to their phone.

Boundaries and priorities will make life easier!