Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

I've just walked through the door after a much needed week away ...

204 replies

Alongstretchhome · 18/10/2024 20:14

It was a weeks holiday to get away from lots of stress. Lovely break just what I needed. But .. I walked through the door, exhausted, to a message from a friend asking me for (another) favour. This friend knew I was due home this evening. I hadn't even seen my DDs before the phone is pinging for a favour. Dh moaning at me that I'm on my phone as soon as we get in (lots of messages back & forth with friend re the favour), dh then decides we're all getting a takeaway, fine with me, but I'm then being pressed to chose my dishes and make the call to the takeaway (he can't call) while I'm sorting out friend. My sister then messages me to say "I assume you are home" ie I've not heard from you that you are home OK. Cue quick message to her, who I can tell is annoyed.
All I wanted was a cup of coffee and a hot shower after a long flight.

OP posts:
SailingOnAWave · 18/10/2024 23:21

Just because someone throws you a ball doesn't mean you have to bat it back.

Just put your bloody phone down and stop being a doormat.

Chewbecca · 18/10/2024 23:25

With the benefit of hindsight, you probably should have ignored your friend for now, and your sister too, or if you had to reply it should have only been with 'catch you tomorrow, can't speak now' and given your attention to your family.
Learn to put the phone away!
Hope things get better.

Chimbos · 18/10/2024 23:57

Your friend couldn’t have waited 20 mins while you said hello and called the takeout? You don’t need to be contactable 24/7

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 18/10/2024 23:57

You didn’t need to respond to your friend. You chose to. A quick “home safe” to sister. Done. Hey family how are you. Tell me about your week after I’ve ordered us some food! Phone off. Not everywhere is on Uber eats-our Chinese takeaway isn’t.

k1233 · 19/10/2024 00:01

A phone is not a summons. Just because it rings or pings, doesn't mean you have to stop what you are doing and answer.

Personally I would have walked in, got organised, had a sit down and then, if I felt like it answered. Friend request, depending on what it was, sorry just got back from holidays and got a bit to put away and sort out so can't help.

Sister, if you usually message after a long trip, I tend to give a quick call from the car when I'm about 5mins from home. Cuts down the rush when you get home and automatic cut off when you pull up - just pulled up, got to go. My family tend to give a quick call when we drive long distances, not always with phone coverage for breakdowns and it's a quick thing to do.

MaidOfAle · 19/10/2024 00:11

May I recommend The Power Of No by Beth Wareham?

Lavenderblossoms · 19/10/2024 00:22

Switch your phone off or put on do not disturb. Do it for a few hours. You'll feel happier trust me.

I have no notifications from my social media. I look when I want.

The world can wait!

NiftyKoala · 19/10/2024 00:32

I would have ignored the message until later especially since your friend has form for this.

Jadebanditchillipepper · 19/10/2024 00:39

You know that you can mute messages on Whatsapp? yes? So mute notifications from anyone you don't need to hear from. Prioritise yourself first, then your family and then everyone else.

Who is this "friend" who thinks it's accetable to hassle you immediately after a break? They're not really a friend are they?

2boyzNosleep · 19/10/2024 01:15

Alongstretchhome · 18/10/2024 20:15

I just want to cry

Kindly OP, please see this from your DH & DC viewpoint.

You've had a WEEK away from them and as soon as you walk through the door, you want your family to leave you alone and you're busy responding to the needs of your friend.

What you could have done was: ignore your phone, greeted your family, quickly decided what to have for dinner, then had your chill out time. Quick message to sister to confirm you arrived home safely and not reply to the friend until you had the mental space to do so.

CabraCadabra · 19/10/2024 01:39

Were you at the wellness retreat because you're done in? Sounds like some work on your boundaries and less people pleasing would help you a lot. Not a dig. I struggle too.

Larrythebloodycat · 19/10/2024 03:41

You are allowed to turn your phone off. Just because we have the technology to be in constant contact, does not mean we have to be. And in the long term, maybe consider whether the importunate friend is someone you actually need or want in your life.

AChickenPooAndABiscuit · 19/10/2024 05:44

JustAMiddleAgedDirtBagBaby · 18/10/2024 21:20

OP my first reaction to the responses to your post is that they're really harsh, but on reflection I think that's because I relate so strongly to your situation that I am a bit defensive!

I don't know if this is what is happening for you but I often find that I have so many situations where the other person really does genuinely need me to be there for them pretty immediately (two DC with medical/SEN issues, super busy and often stressed husband) that I become overwhelmed and find it very hard to distinguished between the 'really must deal with this now' things and the 'actually this person is being a cheeky bugger and can sort themselves out or wait for me' things. So you end up just reacting almost immediately to every demand without allowing yourself to pause and assess whether that's reasonable in the moment.

The other thing I suspect might be happening is that you've just had a presumably much needed whole week away prioritising your own well being and having a break. If you're anything like me there will have been a small, unrealistic part of your brain which will have been thinking "right, this has sorted me out and I will henceforth be a calm and measured person who makes considered decisions at all times about what to do rather than simply reacting to everything the minute it arises". The totally unreasonable disappointment that on returning home all the demands are EXACTLY THE SAME and your newfound wellness/calm evaporates within minutes. I feel it.

But unfortunately the responses above are right. We do need to learn to set boundaries, prioritise and make room for the things which are important rather than reacting to the things which seem urgent. And I say 'we' because I'm talking to myself here too. It would be really nice if all the demands on you in your life would just go away but they won't. So it is on you (and me) to learn to deal with them in a healthy way.

Right there with you.

Lovely post. Totally agree (and can totally relate!)

OneDandyPoet · 19/10/2024 06:08

I think this just illustrates how most of us are addicted to our phones, and we truly believe that we can never put the phone down. That we must reply to every message immediately, that we must always answer the phone right alway. And in between we just doom scroll. Anywhere you go out, even in nice restaurants, people sitting down in groups all with their phones on the table, ready to answer that message, or on the ready to document every single second of our existence by taking endless photos of our selves, eating, walking, talking etc. We really have become slaves to this technology.

Yalta · 19/10/2024 06:10

All I wanted was a cup of coffee and a hot shower after a long flight

When faced with a choice between sorting your friend out and having that cup of coffee and hot shower, your choice was sorting your friend out

You are an adult, you have free will. If your choices annoy other people who want something from you then they are going to have to get over it.

Deal with you and your immediate family first and let your friend figure stuff out for herself. If you stop riding to the rescue she might learn to be more self sufficient. Ultimately you aren’t doing her any favours doing stuff for her, she has to learn things herself

LlynTegid · 19/10/2024 06:40

Your sister could be shown how to check flight arrivals if not knowing already, so no need to contact you. Anyone else could be told you won't contact them until say a day or two afterwards.

Set expectations alongside learning to say no and keeping your phone off.

Oblomov24 · 19/10/2024 06:53

Where are your boundaries. Why have you got such a victim mentality?

pilates · 19/10/2024 06:58

Op, there is no law that says you have to respond to messages by return. For your own mental wellbeing you need to learn to prioritise and boundaries.

tuvamoodyson · 19/10/2024 07:01

Normallynumb · 18/10/2024 22:06

You could've just messaged your Sis " home safely" as she is family and turned your phone off
Weren't you keen to see your DH and DC?
Then... you start a thread on Mumsnet!
You've undone all the teachings of uour wellness retreat in seconds, ironically

That’s precisely what I do! Or simply ‘home!’ Absolutely no need for all this drama…

Candaceowens · 19/10/2024 07:04

Hard to pity you here TBH when it's you who caused the problem.I couldn't live with a person who was this obsessed with their phone.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 19/10/2024 07:14

GrazingLamb · 18/10/2024 20:16

Turn the phone off

Exactly. Just because someone calls or messages, does not mean you have to respond.

nightmarepickle2025 · 19/10/2024 07:26

You don't have to instantly read every message you get on your phone and you certainly don't have to instantly respond.

Lucia573 · 19/10/2024 07:33

Your choice to read messages from friend before you greeted your family.

Teateaandmoretea · 19/10/2024 07:33

DoreenonTill8 · 18/10/2024 20:37

Cross posted, that's pretty shitty of you to have posted that way, as if it was more of a won't call.

Show quote history

No it isnt

It’s unfortunate he has a stutter but if he didn’t have OP would he be unable to access takeaways because of being single?

There are two really obvious options. He can either find one where he can order online instead. Or if there is only one traditional type he just waits for 20 minutes in there.

The man isn’t entirely helpless here and stutter or not just needs to adult and sort it out.

Twiglets1 · 19/10/2024 07:41

Shame the wellness retreat didn’t touch on the mental health benefits of establishing boundaries.

You need to learn to not always be available to people. Your friend could have been told “sorry I can’t help at the moment as just got home after a long flight… “

Don’t see your husband did anything wrong asking you to phone the takeaway if he has a stutter. That wouldn’t have been an issue if you had earlier been assertive with your friend. I think yourself and your family should have been your priority first night home.