Am I being oversensitive? Told off in shop.

[PumpkinSoul]

I think it's relevant that I'm ND and have an anxiety disorder so I don't process things 'normally' often.

My daughter told me she had seen a coat in a charity shop window that she wanted, a style she had been looking for.

She was in school so I decided to go get it for her.

I have real anxiety in shops so I was quite laser focused on going in and checking it was her size.

I went in and went to the window where it was and was trying to look in the nape of it for a label.

The guy who works there walked over and was about 5ft away from me, I turned and looked to him and wanted to ask for help but I really struggle initiating conversation and I was starting to feel flustered because I needed help to find out what size but gelt daft asking for it (happens alot)
He was looking passed me out the window and I tried to make eye contact but he walked away.
So I tried to look if there was a label on the inside pocket area, at the bottom but as I pulled the coat open to look the neatest shoulder slipped off the mannequin, it was falling off (heavy faux fur coat) so I sort of lifted it back and in doing so knocked something off another mannequin next to it, a bag or something maybe?

At this point the guy comes striding over and says in a raised voice 'and THAT is why we don't touch things in the window display!' It was said with a lot of attitude, not playful at all.

I said sorry and I was just trying to see the size as the price label (that have a section for size) didn't say and he said 'there's even a sign!' And pointed to a sign on the floor (weird place??) And I said sorry again but said 'there's no need to speak to me like that though, I wasn't trying to remove it'

And he said he was joking, but he wasn't, my adult son and husband were there.

I know in the scheme of things it doesn't matter but he said this infant of a group of people and honestly talked to me like I was a naughty child (I'll probably get flamed for mentioning it but he was gay and very 'camp' and loud and said it with so much attitude.

I know I was wrong but he didn't have to be so condescending, he could have said 'Do you need a hand? For future reference we ask customers don't get things out of the window so I'll grab it for you'

I just feel like all my confidence has been knocked out of me as this is the kind of thing I dread when thinking about interacting with people.

I think if you're not autistic you might not understand but I just gave DH the coat to buy and went outside and cried.

Feel stupid.

He might be though, he might be upset and distraught about the selfish entitled person (in his view) who ignored the sign and destroyed the window display?
We need to move away from the mn self centered viewpoint that no-one else could be ND or be negatively affected by shitty behaviour.

@PumpkinSoul

#1
I rate the hidden disabilities sunflower lanyard https://hdsunflower.com/
Most days I manage fine, but for ones where I am overwhelmed but have to go out and interact it's a sign to others to please be kind.

#2
If I don't have to interact, sunglasses are my friend.

#3
A quirky hat often means people smile but leave me alone.

You do realise not everyone is aware of the fact that you’re not supposed to touch displays in charity shops? Lots of people do because usually the items on the mannequins aren’t part of duplicated stock and are individual items for sale. As I said, he was aware that she was there and obviously looking at it because he was stood looking in her direction. Whether he did or didn’t it doesn’t justify his ill-mannered unprofessional outburst and so she should complain - it’s that simple.

I think she should stick to the facts as they happened. Sorry, I don’t answer to you and I will not tolerate being questioned by some cheeky upstart on the internet as to why I’ve not pulled her up on her description him. If you’re trying to pathetically allude to the fact that I’m homophobic or whatever such nonsense you’re trying on you can stop there before you even begin. I was sticking to events as they were given in her OP and his behaviour towards her and his abysmal unprofessionalism as you well know, not how she’s chosen to anonymously describe him on the internet for whatever reason. His sexual orientation is none of my concern to pass comment on. I still think the OP should complain for all of my original reasons. Don’t like my opinion? Tough, move along. I won’t be replying to you again.

The guy was obviously a but of a dickhead

Wow.
So you are expecting him to somehow know you are so anxious you are unable to speak in a shop, but you are somehow unable to consider the possibility that he struggles with social interaction himself and is volunteering in a charity shop to challenge himself ?

So ignorant OP

Being ND isn't a get out of jail card for causing carnage in a shop window. Surely you were able to work out whether whst you were trying to do would cause issue or not. If you wasn't able to ask why didn't you just turn back to your husband and say can you ask for me x y z.

You need a better system if you are going to use shoos as your therapy, it isn't their job to accommodate your learning.

As you have said OP , you were trying but went about it wrong. Let it go, no point dwelling on it or letting it derail your progress. Don't make little interactions like that into bigger things, it really doesn't matter. Was it the right size?

No, but not becuase i knew I wasn't allowed but because in somewhere like Next the display item is likely to be found in multiples somewhere else in the shop so there wouldn't be a need. I have a a few occasions in my life taken things out of displays in antique shops, charity shops and independent shops where there is only one of the items available. During each of thies times, no one present has said 'its a rule that you have to ask the staff to take things from thw display' or behaved rudely towards me for my actions.

The OP was the one who messed up. I can't believe that the OP is sensitive to her own situation but refers to a shop assistant as 'gay and camp'. The shop assistant may well be ND himself. No wonder shops find it so hard to recruit staff. Our charity shops are desperate for volunteers. I would hate to upset a volunteer who gives their time for free.
I am afraid you are only thinking of yourself OP and your feelings. It is important to also consider how your behaviour affects others.
I am really shocked that you brought his sexuality into this in a bid to garner sympathy.

I haven't read everything but at the end of the day the customer is always right and rudeness and raised voices are totally unacceptable.

During Covid l walked into a flower shop as l had seen a plant l liked. The shopkeeper roared at METRO PEOPLE ONLY IN THE SHOP AT ONE TIME!! Roared!! I was shocked. I am not ND, have no anxiety around any stuff but he completely floored me. There was no indication that was the rule. To this day l hate walking by that shop and l wouldn't buy one thing if it was the last shop on earth. You cannot shout at customers..fullstop!

Well......I very much doubt he is sitting at home distraught that someone knocked a bag over in his window display. However you're right, he could be sitting bawling his eyes out and shaking about it as we speak.

He’s not psychic about your issues. You didn’t help the situation. Your dh was a unsupportive and didn’t step in - dont buy the it was a split second to escalate. You don’t touch stuff in the window. Practice more. This isn’t helping your kids or you.

I know how hard it is to recruit shop staff these days.I love being able to go to real shops and take my grandchildren. I am so grateful to staff who kept shops open during COVID.
My grandchildren may not have public facing shops in the future. Every rude , entitled customer is a nail in the coffin of high street shops. The news is full of shop lifting gangs and intimidation of shop staff. Who would want to put themselves at risk by working in a shop?
I hope I am not alone in thanking staff for service and doing my best to be a good customer. Amazon has its uses and online shopping is great but a stroll to the shops and the opportunity to interact with others is a really nice thing to do. I hope I never take it for granted.
Some posters on here will bemoan the passing of high street shops and never consider that they played a part in shops closing.

I have a lovely high street close to me. Just a few days ago ai was in a large ish charity shop and there were a group of people in there intent on stealing. There was only one shop assistant behind the till and I could see he was stressed by the group distracting him so others could take stuff. He was overwhelmed and was forced to suggest the group leave the shop if they were not going to buy anything.
Customers can be challenging. They argue about the price of things, shop lift and can be aggressive. It is to everyone's advantage to support shop staff.

Gently OP, YABU. Everyone who's been to a shop before knows not to touch a window display.

This, you need help you ask

Can't work out if you're being genuine here and acknowledging the man could have been as upset as the OP who is getting lots of sympathy and namecalling directed at him for the tears she shed, or being facetious and amused that he may have been upset and crying, but when its him upset, it's funny?

Yes she does sound homophobic.

A) his sexuality is irrelevant here.
B) she believe she can tell what it is, on sight.

Massively homophobic, as are you for defending her.

I'm pretty horrified that so few people are offended by her speculation about his sexuality, actually. Would you feel the same if she made a point of telling us he was black, as if that was a relevant part of the story?

How was he supposed to know she was having difficulty? From his pov he saw a customer browsing in the shop, then knocking the display over. Her internal monologues and anxieties are inside her head - how's he supposed to know she needs help?

I'm AuDHD and struggle in situations like this. Its best all around if the charity shop puts a label on the back of the item in the window with size and price. Id also rather try and find the price tag myself than ask for help. But id definitely expect to be told off by the shop assistant if they saw me touching stuff, so i do ask for help as the fear of being told off is worse than the fear of asking for help. I like the PP point that it's your job as a customer to ask for help if you need it.

Really don't know what the guy being camp has to do with anything. Are you judging him because he's more confident? That's the only possible reason i could think.

You need to take a leaf out of his book. ND people are usually pretty good at masking - so create a confident persona as a mask. Pretend to be someone else in those moments. Borrow his strident and confident personality - nothing went wrong as far as he's concerned in this interaction, so his approach seems to work well for him.

Use masking to your advantage. If I'm going into a situation i might struggle with, i visualise it like putting on a mask. Nobody else knows, and every time you have a successful interaction it makes it a tiny bit easier next time until you can leave the mask off and just be your own more confident self.

It's not uncommon for autistic people not to be able to pick out signs from the visual background.

Also unwritten rules(though this one was written in a daft place) are not intuitive

No it's not if you are neurodiverse.

Don't be ablist if you don't understand disability.

@Ficklebricks
And a lot of homophobia from the OP. His sexuality has nothing to do with this incident. If the OP reports this to the shop and uses terms like 'camp and gay' to garner sympathy for herself, she will be in trouble.

No, we're just communicating amongst ourselves in our preferred style...

You previously wrote 'it's just because I have a lack of understanding that not everyone who makes a mistake is a monster and people sometimes don't see signs or can have hidden additional needs or struggles'

Well i think you're right regarding the lack of understanding!
You have decided that only the OP was in the right and the assistant was totally in the wrong and needs to have a complaint made about him. But what if the assistant has 'struggles' too, as in, he might not have meant to come across as he supposedly did?
Why won't you give him the benefit of the doubt instead of encouraging the OP to complain about him?

The OP said that he told her he was joking, but she maybe couldn't see that, but that's not his fault, as he wasn't to know that the OP has her own issues. Besides, the OP maybe couldn't tell that he was joking like most people would, and he was most likely not behaving 'abysmally' as you portray him to have done.

You also wrote 'if he was busy with customers how was she to ask for help? Can't have it both ways"
Erm, well the usual thing customers do would be to actually wait for the assistant to help them, it's not 'rocket science' is it? What do you think people normally do when they need assistance?
Yet the OP says she was laser focused on the garment, so she obviously went in and headed straight to it in the window, then started knocking things off and you can't understand why the assistant came over and said what he did? He must've wondered WTF the OP was doing, was she attempting to steal it or just mess up the display he likely imagined.
And most people do understand that it's not the done thing to help yourself to window displays, otherwise you'd regularly see people in shop windows doing just that!

As for your nasty reference to me being a 'cheeky upstart', are you seriously for real?

Is this your go to mode when you get all defensive, because you couldn't answer my question if the OP should describe the assistant as 'the gay camp man' when she complains? I couldn't care less if you choose to ignore my response to you, your replies are nonsensical, nasty and judgemental anyway.

That last bit appears to be ND talking. He's not a dickhead any more than you are OP.

I feel like this sometimes when i feel like I've made a bit of a tit of myself, i get angry and look for someone else to blame. Usually it's because i feel ashamed, rightly or wrongly about how ive handled something. Ultimately, maybe you are defensive because he's shown you've still got a way to go in building your confidence levels. But that doesn't make him a dickhead. It's a shame you're not returning because some of us have tried to give you advice for how you might manage this in the future.