Am I being oversensitive? Told off in shop.

[PumpkinSoul]

I think it's relevant that I'm ND and have an anxiety disorder so I don't process things 'normally' often.

My daughter told me she had seen a coat in a charity shop window that she wanted, a style she had been looking for.

She was in school so I decided to go get it for her.

I have real anxiety in shops so I was quite laser focused on going in and checking it was her size.

I went in and went to the window where it was and was trying to look in the nape of it for a label.

The guy who works there walked over and was about 5ft away from me, I turned and looked to him and wanted to ask for help but I really struggle initiating conversation and I was starting to feel flustered because I needed help to find out what size but gelt daft asking for it (happens alot)
He was looking passed me out the window and I tried to make eye contact but he walked away.
So I tried to look if there was a label on the inside pocket area, at the bottom but as I pulled the coat open to look the neatest shoulder slipped off the mannequin, it was falling off (heavy faux fur coat) so I sort of lifted it back and in doing so knocked something off another mannequin next to it, a bag or something maybe?

At this point the guy comes striding over and says in a raised voice 'and THAT is why we don't touch things in the window display!' It was said with a lot of attitude, not playful at all.

I said sorry and I was just trying to see the size as the price label (that have a section for size) didn't say and he said 'there's even a sign!' And pointed to a sign on the floor (weird place??) And I said sorry again but said 'there's no need to speak to me like that though, I wasn't trying to remove it'

And he said he was joking, but he wasn't, my adult son and husband were there.

I know in the scheme of things it doesn't matter but he said this infant of a group of people and honestly talked to me like I was a naughty child (I'll probably get flamed for mentioning it but he was gay and very 'camp' and loud and said it with so much attitude.

I know I was wrong but he didn't have to be so condescending, he could have said 'Do you need a hand? For future reference we ask customers don't get things out of the window so I'll grab it for you'

I just feel like all my confidence has been knocked out of me as this is the kind of thing I dread when thinking about interacting with people.

I think if you're not autistic you might not understand but I just gave DH the coat to buy and went outside and cried.

Feel stupid.

No it’s not!
Im a volunteer in a charity shop and customers often touch things in the window. We don’t mind, they are there to be sold!

I think he was very rude; I would have come over smiled at you and said can I help.

Why couldn't your husband have asked instead about the coat

Isn't it well known not to go into the shop windows and touch displays

I don't understand people that behave like this (him, not you to be clear).

He works in a shop. He saw you looking at something in the window, and instead of offering to help he walked away and then berated you afterwards?! What a dickhead.

@PumpkinSoul
Most people that work in charity shops are actually volunteers. Many of them do so because they are unable to work. This could be for a variety of reasons, but I should suspect that many of them are ND. At least more so than the general population. Maybe try to bear that in mind when reflecting on this event, especially since you yourself are ND.

(Also, the gay comment- not okay. You could not have possibly known whether or not he is gay. You are basing this opinion on outdated, stereotypical, homophobic tropes. Just because you have had homosexual relationships it doesn't mean you have free reign to say whatever you like about being gay. And finally, his sexuality had nothing to do with his behaviour anyway!)

That's nice for you.

I've had social anxiety and neurodiversity all my life and this is the sort of thing I would never forget.

As insignificant as it might be for NT people, it can be pretty traumatic for ND people particularly if it's something they're desperately trying to overcome. A little compassion goes a long way.

It really is.

It is also worth knowing that some charity shops don't sell the window display until a certain day ( the day they change the) - so if you want it you need to go on list.

They definitely wouldn't want you touching the window display.

Personally I would always ask anyway - for more info and if it is actually is still available for sale.

Well I'm 38 and autistic and only learned it through this thread. No one has ever specifically told me it is s rule so how could I know.

Definitely. Not just charity shops too, any shop you don't just start climbing into the window display to fuck with shit. People are really stupid.

Excuse me but I've had a long day, this isn't meant to be a sarcastic question.

Is it really too difficult for you to say to someone who works in a shop, 'hi there, would you be able to tell me what size that coat in the window is please?'.

Because if you'd have said that, he may have said something along the lines of... oh it's a size 12.... or oh I'll have a look for you... or oh sorry but the things in the window won't be on sale until next week.

The reason I ask is because I feel I squash a lot of anxiety down about really difficult / dangerous situations every day and I have to get on with it to be a parent to my children, pay my bills etc.

I appreciate that some people's life experience is different from mine, but I do wonder what's the worst thing that could happen if you ask for help in a shop for example and why you'd be so anxious about it? Even if you come across a difficult shop assistant, nothing really bad will happen?

@Hillrunning so you'd clamber into the window at Next and start undressing the mannequins to see what size was on them?

I think if you have social anxiety, the lesser of the two scenarios is to ask a simple question (or to be efficient and ask your DH to ask) rather than doing a full Miranda act and pulling at things in a shop window so they go down like dominos.
And yes, you were told off, but so what? You wrecked his window, he responded. I think it’s a fair cop and actually, instead of crying, maybe look at it from his point of view and say “oh God sorry mate, I was only looking for the price… what a clumsy idiot. Here, let me help you put it back…’

Quite

Well I'm 38 and autistic and only learned it through this thread. No one has ever specifically told me it is s rule so how could I know.

By noticing what other people do / don't do. That is how people learn rules. Many people with autism will have done life skill training and learned how to behave in shops. However the point is in the situation the OP has described, she was there with two other adults . I'm pretty confident if they were all autistic she would have mentioned this by now. One didn't either of those people help her ?

depends on the charity shop re window mooching/not window mooching. my local one, which I did work experience in years ago often has people looking at/touching things in the window, it’s not a platform just on the floor same as the rest of the shop and obv unlike next, they don’t have the same clothes further on in the store, so that’s the only place to look at them.

If your DH is supposed to be helping you then he could quite easily have had a quick word while you looked at the coat

’’scuse me, my DW is a bit nervous shopping, she’s interested in the coat there, could you help her?”

then assistant would have had a heads up that you might require kid gloves as well as the fur coat

that’s the sort of practical thing that would be useful to help you gain confidence

the interaction might have went entirely differently

I agree with PP that the assistant can’t know your medical history or that you weren’t just clumsy rather than nervous

your DH, as your support, needs to work out how to be more, em, supportive?

I would have been mortified! I don't know if I'm ND but I definitely struggle with social anxiety so I totally sympathetise.
Imo (and I work in retail) he was rude, he clearly saw you the first time fiddling about in the window, if he didnt want you touching anything he should have intervened then by asking if you needed any help etc, offering to fetch it for you.
Many ways he could have tactfully stopped you and made it clear that they didn't want you to help yourself from the window, he's just shit at his job.
My only guess is if maybe when he first came over he was pointedly standing near/looking at the don't touch sign and expected you to notice... even if he was, that's poor communication and just daft!
X

You were in the wrong here OP.

How did he know you were nervous because of ND, he is probably thinking it’s because you were nervous because you were going to nick something.

Having social anxiety or ND is not a free pass to behave badly and act like a victim when you are called out.

If your anxiety is so bad that you left the shop and cried even though there were 2 other people there to help you, then you need to start getting some professional help.

You were in the wrong here OP, you might be autistic but that doesn’t mean you go around wrecking shop displays, it’s common knowledge not to go near window displays or mannequins in stores, you just ask for assistance. You are making their window display look unkempt from outside and it’s suppose to catch customers attention to make them come in the store. Surely you know this. Would you go into Selfridges and start messing with their displays? It sounds like you were able to interact with him when provoked so why couldn’t you just ask him for assistance without boldly going and messing with the coat on display?

Last thing I'm going to say is I didn't 'climb into a window display'

The windows are floor to ceiling and there was a line of mannequins on the floor, same level, not sepeated from anything, no barriers, no step, no window case.

There were rails of coats and about 4 mannequins in between them with just coats and bags on.

I touched a coat and a bag fell off the one next to it.

If you're imagining me climbing into some Selfridges type display with tables and teapots then you're imagination is much better than the people who dress the window.

If I took a coat off a 'normal' rail hanger and the next coat fell off would it be a huge deal? I was going to put everything back.

I didn't climb into a display, I was just lifting up the corner of a coat to see thw size

The guy was obviously a but of a dickhead and I don't really care now, it was mistake and accident and I'm not really arsed now. Am over it.

Am hiding this thread now and am never going read another comment or think about the silly twat again.

Peace out.

Gosh that's quite a turnaround from the meek crying victim.

Is this because you were asked to explain what him being gay has to do with anything at all?

Quite.....

Plot twist…. He’s also autistic.

Or maybe he was having a bad day. Maybe you were the 3rd person to knock down the display that day. Maybe his cat died that morning.

it doesn’t really matter, my point is that you can’t control the way other people interact with you. Why is this taking up so much head space?

I know it's hard but try and put it out of your mind. He won't be spending time thinking about the interaction.