People dropping out of my 40th on Sat. Should I cancel?

[sellotape12]

Hi this is sensitive and upsetting so please - don't come for a fight.
I'm 40 on Friday and have booked a catered bar thing for 28 friends. Invitations were sent out and people RSVP'd yes so I ordered catering and drinks accordingly. There's a minimum spend which I'll need to cover if it doesn't get spent - all normal. With 6 days to go, about eight of the 'yes' are now becoming 'no'. Not sure if there'll be more. At what point do I cancel it all?
Or how can I re-frame my thinking that a smaller thing will be just as nice (although might be expensive for me as I'll have to cover cost now) ?

Gosh I wish people wouldn't flake. It's a big birthday milestone not an in-between one. It's making me think I'm not important and feeling a bit down!
How would you re-frame this in your mind, or with your practical head on?

Can you invite workmates? Or neighbours? I hope you have a fantastic night. You have at least 4 good friends that's more than a lot of people.

Please try not to take it personally. I really think that people are less accustomed to parties and 'events' these days and I think social behaviour has changed in this regard since the pandemic. It's not unusual sadly for a percentage of people to flake with party invites. It's an infuriating state of affairs for the person throwing the party but very common these days. So don't take it personally op. Some of the excuses sound plausible to me, anyway. I think you will always get some people who can't make it for genuine reasons and some who just flake
That said, I hope you have had your 'quota' now and don't get any more drop outs. I would focus on having a good evening with the people who come, and forget about numbers. Try to adjust your thinking about it.

👍👍🤪🤪🤪 Here we come op!!!

PSA: If you don't like to go out in the evenings or have social anxiety, that's fine. Just tick the no box on the invite. It's really simple. I don't like weddings so I rarely go, thus allowing the hosts to invite people who do like weddings.

Sorry if already asked and answered, are you paying for the event? If not, then sorry OP but people probably don’t want to have to pay for a party being thrown for your birthday. Especially if money is tight.

It’s really annoying to receive invite to a party and then be told after the RSVP that the guest would need to pay themselves.

Maybe you haven’t done this and you are hosting (and paying) for your own 40th party.

Sometimes the obligation is what can trigger many to cancel. Like in a 'fuck that I dont really want to' sort of way. Where if it's an open invite more people tend to attend I've found

Go ahead and invite other people to fill the spaces. If they're offended at being a filler they can decline. For some, they will jump at the chance of an unexpected night out.

We had a friend pull out of our wedding the day before. DH immediately upgraded one of his single mates from the evening do and he came along for the whole thing happily.

OP this is so standard for 40; my friends are in our 40th years now (I’m 39) and every single event people have to drop out - a kid is sick, someone is pregnant and feels horrendous, childcare has fallen through etc etc. It’s just that age where we tend to have small children! Not like 30ths where 90% of us were still kid free or even 50ths where they’re probably old enough to be left. It’s an odd one and I’m noticing it so much I’m debating not bothering a party for mine and just going away with DH for a few days and avoiding the stress!!

Go ahead with the people who are still coming, 20 people is a cracking party. Happy birthday!

I had the same on my 40th. I sent invites out and then a few days before the party reconfirmed with everyone because the catering was per head. I made it clear I needed to confirm numbers for food so thought the RSVPs would be sure to attend. Nope. Loads of drop outs. No apologies from some, and really lame excuses from others. Made me really reconsider who my friends were. I'm so sorry OP it's shit.

We had some "good" friends cancel on us for my daughters christening the night before with some bull shit excuse. It really really hurt me. People are shit, it happens to everyone, don't cancel, fuck them, just go and enjoy it with the ones that count. I also once organised and paid for a big Christmas afternoon out for my husbands mum, other family members were invited too but it was mainly for his mum, we spent over £200, we'd arranged it in the city she lived in meaning we had a 2 hour car journey, she cancelled on the morning saying she didn't feel well, we still went with the other family members, only about 6 of us, but it was awkward cos it had all been arranged around her likes, the singer, the venue, the food etc. We later found out she went shopping to the range with her grand daughter. My husband , her son, never said anything but I know he was absolutely gutted. It just feels like a kick in the teeth x

@Nocameltoeleggingsplease

This is what my neighbour did for his Christmas party one year. He invited the whole street, everyone on his office floor, acquaintances from the pub & people from the local takeaway & post office. A real mix of different people; about 250 were invited & 100 turned up & it was a fab party.

Are you actually paying for the party or are you expecting people to pay for themselves? If the guests are paying, then perhaps they have suddenly realised that it is going to be a costly evening ---- maybe?

People are shits! I have a broken arm and went to a friend's 60th last week. OK I overdid it and my arm obviously didn't like me dancing so I went home about midnight while my DH and DCs stayed until 1.30 - but at least I went and at least I danced!

Sorry your 'friends' are so flakey OP - hope you have a fantastic evening!!

Disagree wholeheartedly but I think this could be based on location. I've never been invited to, attended, or heard of a 30th or 40th party that is fully paid for by the host. I would also expect to pay for my own drinks, and at a push perhaps get finger food if it was in a pub-like venue!

What I learned over the years was that at least 10% will cancel between about 14 & 7 days out and another 10% on the day itself. And that was pre-Covid. Since then, flakiness has become more socially acceptable so the drop out rate will be greater. Try not to take this personally!

I think people are more flaky now and also with age
I had a huge 16th birthday party and it was rammed. Invited 100 and about 140 turned up!

Yes you will have more cancel I'm afraid. But hold your head up and have a good time. Yes you can invite others, just do it, the text up thread is a great model for that.

This happened to me !! I cried before my 40th as there were so many lame cancelations

But. It was a brilliant night ! Have faith op.
Could you perhaps let people know subtly that you are feekinf a bit down to halt ahy other cancelations? Maybe a friend could do it for you ?

It actually taught me a lesson and I never ever pull out or flake parties after I commit now.

It's absolutely shitty, but I'd prepare for this.

All v poor excuses except for the one who is pregnant and tired.
V sorry you have some selfish and flaky friends, OP. Glad you have some ggod, clse ones to make sure you have a good time.

That is a shit excuse from her too, knowing a week in advance that she will feel tired!

@sellotape12 "Sort of stuck with my d**k in my hand, as my OH would say"

that's quite an expression!

sorry I misunderstood about the husband with the broken arm, yes, she can still attend.

I think extra invites, friends of friends etc is the way to go.

Yes, fair point.

It's hard not to take it personally but it isn't personal. This always happens.

If I had a Monday invite for a 40th on that Saturday from a neighbor/colleague/friend that I really liked but didn't normally socialize with, I'd be delighted! So either make peace with the fact you have 19 people still ready to party with you or invite some more. They don't know how long you've been planning this anyway.