Page 24 | People dropping out of my 40th on Sat. Should I cancel?

sellotape12 · 2024-10-13T20:19:29+00:00

Hi this is sensitive and upsetting so please - don't come for a fight. I'm 40 on Friday and have booked a catered bar thing for 28 friends. Invitations were sent out and people RSVP'd yes so I ordered catering and drinks accordingly. There's a minimum spend which I'll need to cover if it doesn't get spent - all normal. With 6 days to go, about eight of the 'yes' are now becoming 'no'. Not sure if there'll be more.* At what point do I cancel it all?* Or how can I re-frame my thinking that a smaller thing will be just as nice (although might be expensive for me as I'll have to cover cost now) ? Gosh I wish people wouldn't flake. It's a big birthday milestone not an in-between one. It's making me think I'm not important and feeling a bit down! ^How would you re-frame this in your mind, or with your practical head on?^

Frankensteinian · 24/10/2024 10:32

Your sound so lovely op. I think you have the right analysis about this. Parties for adults will soon die out unless the younger generation start a backlash

muggletops · 24/10/2024 10:38

Thanks for the update OP, I am glad you had a lovely night with those who wanted to be there - that's the biggest revelation, you know who will turn up for you now. The others, well, see it as a cull of people in your life who you wont spend any more time nurturing those friendships with. I had a similar experience for my 40th which I had at home so there wasn't the issue of cost so much. For my 50th I was in the middle of a divorce and held my 'do' in a bar where there was no min spend and had many of my old friends there - it was a bank holiday weekend so I expected the usual excuses but was pleasantly surprised. People came from all over the country and I felt that the 10 years in between had made me realise that friends come and go but so long as you are the same person and enjoy those moments with those who do want to show up for you, you are a rich person. I would rather put my efforts into only 5 close friends than 30 flakeys :-)

Savingthehedgehogs · 24/10/2024 11:12

Well those 14 are friends for life, and no doubt enjoyed celebrating with you. For your 50th those very same people should be invited to something special! I see it as a gift, now you know who to invest in and who genuinely cares about you.

Its so bad some didn’t even message to days later 😱 but its their loss op. Says a lot about them.

Enjoy your roaring 40s op!

Jellybeanbag · 24/10/2024 11:19

So pleased you had a great time with friends that obviously think a lot of you, that's really special. As for the four that didn't even have the manners to show up nor phone you, I really would waste no time on them again.

Enjoy your 40s!!! 💃

Wilfrida1 · 24/10/2024 11:27

That is such a wise observation of how times have changed. Those no show-ers aren't worthy of your friendship.

okydokethen · 24/10/2024 11:32

That's a nice update OP, I think it sounds lovely and yeah, avoid the no shows and move forward into your 40s knowing you have a (pretty big) group of friends there for you.

unhappywskid · 24/10/2024 11:46

sellotape12 · 24/10/2024 09:13

Hello, I’m the OP. I didn’t cancel the party although was nervous all day! It was small but lovely. About 14 people (including partners) turned up so I relaxed into thinking; you know what, to have 7 women I can call friends at at the age of forty feels pretty good.
It certainly wasn’t a big party and nobody danced(!) but we did talk and I think the sunniest people were actually happy to be out without their kids. Everyone was in bed by 1am latest. I’m ok with that.

The bar / venue was really good and moved some furniture and turned the lights down and added tea lights to make it seem cosier and less empty.

Two people who had RSVP’d yes (4 if you include their husbands) never showed, nor called or text on the day. Both followed up a few days later with paper thin text messages. I feel miffed about that. Can’t be bothered making so much effort either them anymore and not to be petty but no, no I’m no longer turning up to your kids’ birthdays with presents for them.

We didn’t quite hit the minimum spend which to be fair I always knew was a risk and was willing to take. On the flipside we were only about a hundred quid off and the bar let us put half of it on a voucher to come back 😭❤️ So a lot of you were right - it’s amazing how much people will spend. Even mocktails ain’t cheap.

Would I do it again for a 50th in ten years time? Absolutely not. And I feel really sad saying that. It shouldn’t have to be like this. I don’t know if it’s the mix of social media in our lives, lack of telephone usage, normalisation of anxiety and post Covid but I think the whole mix of that has allowed weakened friendship bonds. And I think that’s just really sad as a society. I think back to my family growing up in close proximity to each other. You made a commitment by phone to meet friends and you stuck to it. You looked forward to it. You went to each other’s houses and called each other. Now we just hide behind text messages and flakiness and it’s just not how humans were meant to be.

Anyway thank you for being such a lovely lot. I know that there’s the occasional bad apple looking for a fight on mumsnet but I also know that it’s a community of like-minded people and I’m sorry so many of you struggled with this social phenomenon as well.

Anyway! LIFE BEGINS..

Good to know you enjoyed your party, OP! And you're right, the world has become a different place, and it hits hard at the beginning, but as soon as we come to terms with it, we start to see life in a new light. One of the best things about your party is that you had fun with the people who really cared, and that's a blessing. 😊

ImTheMidsomerMurderer · 24/10/2024 13:22

@sellotape12 Thanks for the update. Glad you had a lovely time at your party and weren't too much out of pocket. They say life begins at 40, well now you know who to live it with. ❤️

TobaccoFlower · 24/10/2024 13:53

sellotape12 · 24/10/2024 09:13

Hello, I’m the OP. I didn’t cancel the party although was nervous all day! It was small but lovely. About 14 people (including partners) turned up so I relaxed into thinking; you know what, to have 7 women I can call friends at at the age of forty feels pretty good.
It certainly wasn’t a big party and nobody danced(!) but we did talk and I think the sunniest people were actually happy to be out without their kids. Everyone was in bed by 1am latest. I’m ok with that.

The bar / venue was really good and moved some furniture and turned the lights down and added tea lights to make it seem cosier and less empty.

Two people who had RSVP’d yes (4 if you include their husbands) never showed, nor called or text on the day. Both followed up a few days later with paper thin text messages. I feel miffed about that. Can’t be bothered making so much effort either them anymore and not to be petty but no, no I’m no longer turning up to your kids’ birthdays with presents for them.

We didn’t quite hit the minimum spend which to be fair I always knew was a risk and was willing to take. On the flipside we were only about a hundred quid off and the bar let us put half of it on a voucher to come back 😭❤️ So a lot of you were right - it’s amazing how much people will spend. Even mocktails ain’t cheap.

Would I do it again for a 50th in ten years time? Absolutely not. And I feel really sad saying that. It shouldn’t have to be like this. I don’t know if it’s the mix of social media in our lives, lack of telephone usage, normalisation of anxiety and post Covid but I think the whole mix of that has allowed weakened friendship bonds. And I think that’s just really sad as a society. I think back to my family growing up in close proximity to each other. You made a commitment by phone to meet friends and you stuck to it. You looked forward to it. You went to each other’s houses and called each other. Now we just hide behind text messages and flakiness and it’s just not how humans were meant to be.

Anyway thank you for being such a lovely lot. I know that there’s the occasional bad apple looking for a fight on mumsnet but I also know that it’s a community of like-minded people and I’m sorry so many of you struggled with this social phenomenon as well.

Anyway! LIFE BEGINS..

Glad it went fine OP. Like you, my 40th was the last celebration I organised. 30th was a big meal with friends. 40th was a womens pamper night/get together with a beautician doing treatments. 50th was full on lock down. My 60th is a way off but I'll probably just go on a family mini break or something.

SkaneTos · 24/10/2024 13:58

Thank you for the update, OP!
I am happy to read that you had a lovely and cosy party.

Happy Birthday!

BabyCloud · 24/10/2024 15:29

People are flakey but people are also more burnt out than ever. You only have to read this forum for five minutes to realise how much people are going through. A 40th party just wouldn’t be a priority for many.

The expense is likely to be a factor too

NewName24 · 24/10/2024 16:39

Would I do it again for a 50th in ten years time? Absolutely not. And I feel really sad saying that. It shouldn’t have to be like this. I don’t know if it’s the mix of social media in our lives, lack of telephone usage, normalisation of anxiety and post Covid but I think the whole mix of that has allowed weakened friendship bonds. And I think that’s just really sad as a society. I think back to my family growing up in close proximity to each other. You made a commitment by phone to meet friends and you stuck to it. You looked forward to it. You went to each other’s houses and called each other. Now we just hide behind text messages and flakiness and it’s just not how humans were meant to be.

I can't agree with this as being "society" though.
I had a party a few months ago and 60+ came (on the night, 4 people didn't turn up and 5 had apologised during the week leading up to it). Life does get in the way sometimes, and therefore, if you want to fill a room, you invite a few more than you think will comfortably fill the room.
I'm not saying this to say 'look at me'. I've been to 3 parties since then, and each one the room has been full. So it definitely isn't me that is the exception, and there wasn't any crossover (except me and dh of course) between the guests at each of these parties, so it isn't just one group of people.

I'm sorry it wasn't what you hoped for, and am really glad you had a nice time, but I think this was a combination of you not inviting enough people (or inviting them to a do that needed more people than you wanted to invite), and your particular group of friends, rather than being "society in 2024".

Original poster

sellotape12 · 24/10/2024 17:00

Here we go…. 🫠😂 spoke too soon

OP posts:

TheaBrandt · 24/10/2024 17:10

I think it’s localised. If you have a jolly group who like to party do so regularly and live locally you will get a better turnout than if you invite disperate uni friends who have to travel or if you have friends who are basically homebodies and prefer staying in.

unhappywskid · 24/10/2024 17:25

I'm not even in the UK, and I've seen that happen more than once. Flakiness has become a thing, no doubt about it.
I'm on a whatsapp group with some friends. One of the girls has been trying to get everyone together for months, and every time ppl just come up with a different excuse, but we all know they're just being flakey. She has now refrained from trying again. And it doesn't make any sense at all, there are 0 justifications for that.
How many times have we read threads here on MN or even videos on on IG and YT about inviting ppl to parties, or arranging to meet somewhere, etc etc and loads of flakey behavior?
But I guess some ppl haven't been bitten by the flakiness bug yet, and maybe never will.

Ladybugger · 24/10/2024 17:38

I'm glad you had a nice party with nice people OP.
I agree with you that this is the way it is now.
And I agree it is crap and the world will be a worse place for it.
Hence I have decided to keep organising parties, I've just really reduced my expectations of people and how many will RSVP or show up.
I encourage all of us who love parties to keep having them and keep going to them... The future existence of parties rests in our hands! 😂

EmeraldRoulette · 24/10/2024 17:54

@sellotape12 I'm so glad you had a great time.

I think you did really well on numbers for post Covid times. Or sometimes it's luck or lack of it.

Enjoy your 40s and keep partying 🥂

Carrotsandgrapes · 24/10/2024 17:57

Really glad you had a good time OP ❤I'd been wondering how it went and hoping you enjoyed your celebrations!

I appreciate it's been a bit upsetting, but also, you now know who your real friends are and who should from now on just be filed under "acquaintances".

BurntBroccoli · 24/10/2024 18:02

sellotape12 · 24/10/2024 09:13

Hello, I’m the OP. I didn’t cancel the party although was nervous all day! It was small but lovely. About 14 people (including partners) turned up so I relaxed into thinking; you know what, to have 7 women I can call friends at at the age of forty feels pretty good.
It certainly wasn’t a big party and nobody danced(!) but we did talk and I think the sunniest people were actually happy to be out without their kids. Everyone was in bed by 1am latest. I’m ok with that.

The bar / venue was really good and moved some furniture and turned the lights down and added tea lights to make it seem cosier and less empty.

Two people who had RSVP’d yes (4 if you include their husbands) never showed, nor called or text on the day. Both followed up a few days later with paper thin text messages. I feel miffed about that. Can’t be bothered making so much effort either them anymore and not to be petty but no, no I’m no longer turning up to your kids’ birthdays with presents for them.

We didn’t quite hit the minimum spend which to be fair I always knew was a risk and was willing to take. On the flipside we were only about a hundred quid off and the bar let us put half of it on a voucher to come back 😭❤️ So a lot of you were right - it’s amazing how much people will spend. Even mocktails ain’t cheap.

Would I do it again for a 50th in ten years time? Absolutely not. And I feel really sad saying that. It shouldn’t have to be like this. I don’t know if it’s the mix of social media in our lives, lack of telephone usage, normalisation of anxiety and post Covid but I think the whole mix of that has allowed weakened friendship bonds. And I think that’s just really sad as a society. I think back to my family growing up in close proximity to each other. You made a commitment by phone to meet friends and you stuck to it. You looked forward to it. You went to each other’s houses and called each other. Now we just hide behind text messages and flakiness and it’s just not how humans were meant to be.

Anyway thank you for being such a lovely lot. I know that there’s the occasional bad apple looking for a fight on mumsnet but I also know that it’s a community of like-minded people and I’m sorry so many of you struggled with this social phenomenon as well.

Anyway! LIFE BEGINS..

Pleased you enjoyed it in the end.
I was the same after it happened to me - definitely never again!

It totally spoils your birthday and something you will never forget very sadly.

Sethera · 24/10/2024 18:09

14 is a good turnout by today's standards - glad it turned out to be a good night!

Littys · 24/10/2024 18:10

Delighted to read your update.
Sounds like a meaningful evening.

OP, reprocosity is the key to meaningful balanced healthy friendships.

We are too busy to be one sided, give, give, give.

Release yourself from any obligation to people whom would let you down without so much as contacting you.

No need to say a word, just adjust your energy to match their's going forward.

Faldodiddledee · 24/10/2024 18:40

Glad you had a fab time OP!

I wouldn't feel aggrieved by the people that let you know a week in advance with a concrete reason though, or drop them out unless you want to.

I agree not giving a reason on the day is very weak and unacceptable, definitely don't make an effort with them.

Arran2024 · 24/10/2024 21:01

Glad you had a good time. Don't necessarily give up on parties. You just have to factor in about a half to third drop out rate! So invite lots of people (and then you will be fretting if you don't get enough drop outs!!)

NewName24 · 24/10/2024 22:46

I've just really reduced my expectations of people and how many will RSVP or show up. I encourage all of us who love parties to keep having them and keep going to them... The future existence of parties rests in our hands!*

Absolutely.

CheeseyOnionPie · 24/10/2024 22:57

Aww don’t cancel your birthday! You will have plenty of folks turn up still.

People dropping out of my 40th on Sat. Should I cancel?

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