People dropping out of my 40th on Sat. Should I cancel?

[sellotape12]

Hi this is sensitive and upsetting so please - don't come for a fight.
I'm 40 on Friday and have booked a catered bar thing for 28 friends. Invitations were sent out and people RSVP'd yes so I ordered catering and drinks accordingly. There's a minimum spend which I'll need to cover if it doesn't get spent - all normal. With 6 days to go, about eight of the 'yes' are now becoming 'no'. Not sure if there'll be more. At what point do I cancel it all?
Or how can I re-frame my thinking that a smaller thing will be just as nice (although might be expensive for me as I'll have to cover cost now) ?

Gosh I wish people wouldn't flake. It's a big birthday milestone not an in-between one. It's making me think I'm not important and feeling a bit down!
How would you re-frame this in your mind, or with your practical head on?

Invite other people, it's okay that it is a short notice invite, some people (me) actually prefer to make plans last minute.

This is a great idea. I would send a group message to all invitee’s (even those who have dropped out) and say that you have had a significant number drop out last minute (and a week before is still last minute without good reason). Therefore if anyone would like to bring a friend you’d be delighted as you have already paid for food and drinks so it will go to waste otherwise. I hope some people change their mind or at least feel a bit guilty!

I hope you have a wonderful evening and happy 40th!

I massively over invited so had enough - just. It was a success but I tell myself - never again. Don’t get it I love parties and if I’m invited I’m there. I respect people that put themselves out there to host and find myself despising lame flakes.

I used to LOVE a Christmas party and DH and I would put a lot of effort into them but, after last Christmas, I won’t be doing it again. Had organised for about 10 couples to come over to ours the middle Saturday in December, organised via a WhatsApp poll ages in advance so it was definitely a date we could all do. All good. Then, the week before the ‘Sorry but …’ messages started to roll in.

In the end, I suggested the 7 of us still available go out to the pub and get dinner instead (managed to get the local to squeeze us in). That caused another two to drop out as they wanted a house party and didn’t want to pay for food. 😆 It was still a nice evening but I’m not putting myself in that situation again. When you host, you can’t flake. I usually find flakey people rarely offer to host either. They like having the option of having a better offer or ‘seeing if they fancy it on the day’.

I’m still friends with these people but there is no Christmas party chez DrFoster this year.

Thats really crap OP, no wonder you feel like shit. Hopefully there is an option to just downsize the catering? I love a good party but its very hard to get all the people that you love in one place at the same time, especially if they have to travel.

@sellotape12 Had similar for my 30th. Hired a local golf clubhouse, and spent out on food, loads of cupcakes instead of a big cake so easier for everyone to have one, not to mention the prepaid bottles of champagne so everyone had a welcome drink when they arrived. Invites were sent out in November (birthday is mid Jan, so wanted to give everyone plenty of notice given it was post the expensive Christmas period) and I’d planned based on the numbers who’d RSVP’d yes.

About a week before I got a number dropping out. Reasons varied from understandable (MIL who was due to provide childcare taken in for unexpected surgery and no alternative babysitter) to the ridiculous (it was her sisters 36th birthday that weekend and they always go for a family meal - I’m fairly sure birth dates don’t change so not sure why it was a last minute surprise).

I also had 9 people just not turn up on the night, also a mix of acceptable reasons and completely flaky excuses. One called me directly to explain and apologise, one family of four passed on their apologies via a family member. The other group of four never even bothered to even get in touch.

I still had a great night but it did put me off ever organising a do like that again. For my 40th it was just a meal with a group of friends that my best friend organised, a smaller afternoon out with my two closest friends and my DH and I had planned a joint 40th family meal at a local restaurant (he’s March born) that ended up being cancelled when one of our doggies died very suddenly.

It is sad when people you care for and think equally care about you can be so thoughtless but just focus on those who do make the effort to come and join you celebrating your milestone birthday. I’m betting there’ll be more there than not - a clear sign just how loved and valued you are.

Have a fabulous party! Welcome to the 40 club! 🎉🎂🥂

How would you re-frame this in your mind, or with your practical head on?

Could you not advertise it as a Performance Art piece and charge £15 per ticket? Put up posters around Hoxton: 'Sandra's Big Birthday Bash'... maybe ring up the Arts Council or Lottery Fund for a grant! Put a picture of a naked woman riding a birthday cake next to a rainbow flag on the flyer.

This might not be your style, but could you open up invites for charity or something? Put it on social media.

Food paid for. Put a crazy dress theme on.

Be honest and authentic about being let down and feeling anxious and disappointed...loads of people will emphasize with you. Ask people to donate to a good charity if they can.

Say single people coming solo are welcome...Often I find it awkward to attend events alone, or worry I'll stand out.

It sounds like the beginning of a Richard Curtis movie, but I think people tend to love stuff like that.

My friend booked theatre trip to London for her big birthday
We' all paid over 100£ each therefore its a booked event, no chance of any no shows!
A catered party always risks drop outs.
More fool them ! More food drink fun for you, have z lovely time!

Sorry, started ranting there!

Anyway, I just wanted to show solidarity. Parties are fun. It’s a privilege to be invited to one (just look at the threads on here complaining about DC not being invited to them!) It’s lovely you wanted to celebrate your birthday and I’m sorry people are so lame. 😒

It would probably be easier to just invite us lot. Where is it OP and what time do you want us? 😁

I'd echo the posters saying you will likely get more flakes before the weekend unfortunately. I had a 40th party with approx 50 people invited and about 5 couples flaked out a couple of days before/on the day/didn't turn up (it didn't matter for me as the party was at my house, I had invited too many people, and was worried about fitting them all in). So that's the type of ratio you might be looking at; if you have 20 still coming, you can expect to lose about 4 more.

Invite more people if you have other friends you would like to come. Or do what you can at the venue/with the food to make it more appropriate for a smaller group - e.g. if you were having a buffet table in one corner, with people then eating it at bar tables, instead set up the venue with a long dining table and present the buffet food on that table (people can pass dishes up and down) with proper tableware/wine on table etc.

Don't cancel. 20 is more than enough to have a really nice time. You will have zero fab time.

I had 12, it was perfect.

Your other friends are really flaky and their excuses are so poor it's pitiful. Just let them go, gradually over the next year. We all only need a handful of true friends.

Don’t cancel but be emotionally prepared that others may flake too. Do not say anything to the people who have cancelled, it will just come across as petty.

Sadly this is life these days and people have turned into Cornish pasties, this is why I would never arrange a party now and would always do a meal out instead.

The cost you may have to cover but it’s far preferable than cancelling. You know your good friends will come so agree with PP - focus on the people who do come, those are your people, rather than focusing on the pasties. If you cancel it you’ll be missing out on a fabulous time with the people who do genuinely care about you and that would be a real shame- for them and you.

As for the flakes, now you have this important information that they don’t really want to make the effort so the great thing is- neither do YOU have to make the effort for them in future- hurrah! 🎉

Use this event as a recalibration exercise whereby you can sort through your friendships and learn which ones are premier league and which ones will be relegated. After all, isn’t that what 40 is all about?- appreciating the valuable things in life and being of an age where you don’t need to worry about the rest? Embrace being 40 and do what YOU want to do. Everyone else can do one.

Ok I am going to possibly out myself but I had this last year. I was the friend asked at the last minute and I was absolutely fine with it. Here is a mock up of my friends message to me. We couldn't make it but I genuinely wasn't offended:

'I wanted to ask if you and DH fancied a night out this Saturday. It’s my 40th birthday. I am having a party and as I have a huge family I kept the list of friends quite small but some family can’t come - so if you fancy it you are very welcome. We are having a live band and nibbles. It’s at [venue ]invite to follow. No worries if you I can’t come i realise it’s last minute x'

Also I like the idea of asking your friends who are coming if they want to bring a friend. My group of friends would be delighted if I asked them to a random party, and in fact I have been a plus one in that situation.

Style it out and have a great night 🥳

Do these flakes realise they are killing parties? The lovely hosts will stop bothering bet they will then moan they are never invited to anything any more.

You are saying this on MN? Its the home of people who complain about being invited to things.😅 For various reasons I won't go into!

Let us know where you are, and we can rock up and make sure you have an amazing party.

The ones who dropped out will regret it forever.

Happy birthday for Friday.

I gave up arranging anything like this a few years ago when the same thing happened to me. Now just only very small gatherings with my nearest and dearest who won't let me down. I think people say yes, then regret it/cba later on without giving a thought to how it makes people feel. You're not the only one. Could you cancel and arrange a smaller do citing the reason why? Also, in future, know where you come on the flaky ones list of priorities and afford them the same level of care.

I'm sorry people are pulling out. But I wouldn't say anything other than 'thanks for letting me know'. Whatever their reasons are, they can't make it, so telling them they're costing you money seems like an unnecessary guilt trip.

We once pulled out of a wedding at short notice because DH was having a severe mental health crisis. I told the couple it was childcare issues because I didn't want to tell them what was really going on. I felt so bad for cancelling. The bride didn't speak to me for a long time, kicked me out of a WhatsApp group chat and blanked me in the street, along with other members of the chat group. It was an extremely difficult time for us, and that really didn't help, not that she knew. It seemed so disproportionate. Even if your friends' reasons are flaky but genuine, don't be that person.

Maybe drop a few other less close friends or colleagues an invitation if you want a few more bodies there. But whatever you do, enjoy yourself!

So rude!!! Could you do more of a substantial, sit down thing with those who are coming?

Yep just focus on the people who are coming. Unfortunately with events like this it's so hard to tell who will drop out last minute and sometimes you do end up paying for more than what you should, based on numbers who came. I'm sure there are always genuine reasons but this dropping out thing seems to be much more common lately. People think something is a good idea weeks or months in advance though when it comes near to the time they panic (could be genuine social anxiety) or in some cases - sorry to say - they can't be arsed.
Slightly different scenario as I totally get yours is far more personal, but I do training events and I have people sign up months ahead and then we see a sudden drop days before or even on the day. Apparently this happened far less before covid. Apparently people find it more difficult going out these days, they have got used being allowed to stay at home and not go places.

See this is why I always over invite for any events.
People say I'm wreckless but I know human nature.

So if I have an event for 35 people, I'll invite 50. Guarantee on the day you'll still only end up with 33 people! 🤣

Doesn't help you now OP but any future events ALWAYS over invite!

I agree op. What’s the point if guilt tripping them to come.

I think the way to look at it is a lot more people are coming than not and ultimately it will still be lovely to have them celebrate with you. They will all be looking forward to it and it’s not their fault others have cancelled. Just pretend to yourself you didn’t know the others and never even invited them! If that were the case, you’d be really excited about exactly the same guest turnout as you currently have.

This is how I would reframe it, you have 19 people who want to celebrate your big birthday with you. 19 people who have it in their diaries, have probably planned their outfit and are looking forward to next weekend.

Dont even think about cancelling, these 19 people will be so disappointed! Focus on the 19, not the 8 xx