People dropping out of my 40th on Sat. Should I cancel?

[sellotape12]

Hi this is sensitive and upsetting so please - don't come for a fight.
I'm 40 on Friday and have booked a catered bar thing for 28 friends. Invitations were sent out and people RSVP'd yes so I ordered catering and drinks accordingly. There's a minimum spend which I'll need to cover if it doesn't get spent - all normal. With 6 days to go, about eight of the 'yes' are now becoming 'no'. Not sure if there'll be more. At what point do I cancel it all?
Or how can I re-frame my thinking that a smaller thing will be just as nice (although might be expensive for me as I'll have to cover cost now) ?

Gosh I wish people wouldn't flake. It's a big birthday milestone not an in-between one. It's making me think I'm not important and feeling a bit down!
How would you re-frame this in your mind, or with your practical head on?

• Work stress/ travel x2 - Stress is a terrible excuse if it’s a close friend. Maybe if a work trip got scheduled they can’t get out of
• Got to go to the passport office(!) Random!
• Baby isn't sleeping TTN (can't one of them come?) No reason one of them can’t make it….
• Husband has broken arm, need to stay home Fine - if they have kids that is
• Forgot and can't find a sitter (you had a printed invite 4 weeks ago) - Rubbish
• Pregnant and feeling tired - Rubbish, can’t come for an hour???

Gosh people really are shit, I can only deduce you are not that close to them or they are all monumentally selfish/up their own arses?

Honestly I would be very tempted to reply very honestly. Presuming they said something like "sorry I can't come because of X but hope you have a lovely time,' something like:

"Oh that's a shame. I'm actually thinking of cancelling it completely because I've had a few drop outs, but I'm still going to be charged 50% even if I do because it's so last minute, so either way I'll be losing money, which is a bit of a rubbish birthday present. Feeling a bit shit about it all and wishing I hadn't bothered tbh.'

Fuck them, they should feel guilty for such shit excuses. Who goes to a passport office in the evening? How do you know you'll be stressed from work a week in advance? Pregnancy tired - so you're just never going to leave the house for the next 9 months? And the others, baby can't sleep, no babysitter, broken arm etc, no reason why one out of a couple can't still come. Pretty much all of them could still pop in for an hour for one drink, which between them would probably cover the cost.

Could you ask the venue if you can spend on champagne to take home if you don't hit the min spend? We've been able to do that a few times for work parties with a lot of flakes.
Then rather than going to waste the money could go towards toasting various things during your 40th year.

Hope you have a great time with whoever comes to celebrate your birthday with you.

I decided to have a family meal for my 40th. My sil came up with loads of different excuses why they couldn't come. They came made it uncomfortable, they'd borrowed my mum's car and I had a friend visiting so I ended up with no cake. My friends arranged a surprise party with cake later in the week.

I’d send them a private message ‘thanks for the update but that you’re a bit disappointed for the short notice and still have to pay their place.’ Then never talk to them again 😂😂

Actually love this: "Oh that's a shame. I'm actually thinking of cancelling it completely because I've had a few drop outs, but I'm still going to be charged 50% even if I do because it's so last minute, so either way I'll be losing money, which is a bit of a rubbish birthday present. Feeling a bit shit about it all and wishing I hadn't bothered tbh.'

Fuck em, they should feel bad. And who cares if you look desperate since they are not ‘your people’ (I.e they do not give a flying fuck about you)

Definitely invite a few more people if you can because you're likely to get some more drop out. Perhaps ask your closest friends if they would like to bring someone along.

Can you send a WhatsApp to other friends with a cheery Hi, short notice but it's my 40th and I'm having a bit of a get together at (name place/time) would be lovely to see you and have a celebratory drink if you can make.

Don’t cancel, OP. The people who’ve bailed are twats tbh! So many people just seem to be rude and inconsiderate of others. I would still mention it to a few other friends or colleagues. Some people won’t mind a late invite to a party. And a week is still plenty of time. Have a great time.

Och what a shame OP. Some people are just shit. I’m not sure I’d let them know I was hurt, but I sure as shit would be making no effort for them in future.

Don’t cancel yet - am sure you’ll have a nice time x

I went to a housewarming party like this. It was was held by my boyfriend's work colleague. We didn't know her very well but felt we should go to be polite and we were the only people there. She'd spend all the previous day making a buffet for about 50, I felt so so bad for her.

@Thischangeseverything that's so sad

You’ll have to go ahead if you’d be liable for 50% of the costs if you cancelled. Don’t text anyone to check because it gives people an opportunity to cancel. Also, don’t prioritise the flaky friends who cancelled and don’t attend any events that they plan in the future. They gave ridiculous cancellation excuses which basically translate to “I can’t be bothered”.

Can you message some people now and say you are having a get together at the pub with food and a drink provided (or whatever you are providing) no need for a gift and you'd love it if they could come. It's still 5 days notice and they won't know you sent invites weeks ago. Neighbours, mums from kids activities etc. They might end up being new friends.

suggest to those who defo re coming-they bring plus 2s

A broken arm doesn't mean you can't leave the house

It can be pretty painful if it's very recent. I wouldn't fancy having to socialise with a freshly broken arm.

They are all rubbish excuses. What is wrong with people?? Basic good manners have been lost.

Of course you can come with a broken arm. The other excuses are equally lame.

Once I’ve accepted an invitation I always honour it unless I have a damn good reason.

You budgeted for the party - after that it doesn't matter who turns up, the overall cost for the night isn't increasing beyond that budget.

Or were you only paying for part of the night and the bar spend is counted towards the minimum? - so you're going to be asked to cover the drinks not bought by the people that cancelled

Op has a minimum spend at the venue. What she hasn't said outright is it's her guests who are expected to meet it, she wasn't expecting to be out of pocket at all.

I'm pretty sure there was a recent thread from this same OP. In both this thread and the previous one, there was no mention of anything being provided by the OP. In both threads, it seems this is the norm in some areas, but it's also true that many people do expect something (a glass of something, a few nibbles, a bit of cake?) provided at a party. To toss it out to people less than a week in advance, one must be very clear that the cost is $10 per person (buffet) plus whatever they drink for the night and, oh, wink wink a drink for the birthday girl would be nice.

Agree with this, must be by phone not text. Get individual, verbal re-commitments. doesn’t have to be pressurised or anything, just a nice little chat to check that they are still all good for the event.
Id phone all the flakes as well to commiserate about their troubles (passport office, partner with broken arm etc) and let them squirm a bit under my niceness.
I also happen to think that small parties are great - but you might have to reconfigure the space etc and suck up the cost.
i really really cannot stand flakiness. I hope you have a wonderful birthday!

I agree. I wouldn't be bothering with these flakey selfish folk cancelling. Too annoying when you've paid. Just go ahead with the folk who have accepted and come. They might be a bit irritated if you cancel. As they could have booked baby sitters and so on.

I don't think the OP will risk another 'do' - but also I've never known anyone to have a 40th party etc - last significant birthday I feel is 21. After that then weddings are the only real celebration. I have been to a few 30th birthday bashes - but everyone's too busy with their husbands / children / pregnancies by 40.

even if they literally broke it yesterday and then text op within hours of having done so, that's still a whole week before the party, so hardly 'very recent' by any stretch of the imagination. I broke my arm in two places and had a cast up to my shoulder and was back in school within a few days. They could pop to their local bar for an hour.

I have no idea why a minority of people find this so offensive. There's absolutely no obligation on the guests to buy anything, they could just turn up and have a water if they wanted, nobody would care....BUT realistically most people coming to a bar will buy a drink. Exactly as they would if they were meeting friends at said bar for any other reason. If a friend told me they were meeting at X for their birthday it wouldn't even cross my mind to expect them to be funding my night out, I'd not expect anything other than just paying for whatever I wanted to drink (and or eat) myself...and, yes, maybe a drink for the birthday person too.

If you are so aghast at the possibility that you might have to pay for your own drinks when you go out then maybe socialising isn't for you.

Exactly what I did for my hen night 😄 Guess what... no drop outs!

I'm just baffled by the flakiness of people these days! We invited 108 to our wedding, 8 couldn't make it but let us know months beforehand 🤷🏻‍♀️ The other 100 came. But this was 15 years ago...

OP I would definitely open the invite to more people. As for those other losers, fuck them... I wouldn't bother inviting them to anything again, and certainly wouldn't be wasting any of my time or energy texting them (other than to share photos of what a great night it was, afterwards 😆)