People dropping out of my 40th on Sat. Should I cancel?

[sellotape12]

Hi this is sensitive and upsetting so please - don't come for a fight.
I'm 40 on Friday and have booked a catered bar thing for 28 friends. Invitations were sent out and people RSVP'd yes so I ordered catering and drinks accordingly. There's a minimum spend which I'll need to cover if it doesn't get spent - all normal. With 6 days to go, about eight of the 'yes' are now becoming 'no'. Not sure if there'll be more. At what point do I cancel it all?
Or how can I re-frame my thinking that a smaller thing will be just as nice (although might be expensive for me as I'll have to cover cost now) ?

Gosh I wish people wouldn't flake. It's a big birthday milestone not an in-between one. It's making me think I'm not important and feeling a bit down!
How would you re-frame this in your mind, or with your practical head on?

So happy you had a lovely time! 7 friends being free on the same date, and them and their partners wanting to celebrate with you is no mean feat.

Great update, thank you @sellotape. I may not be the only one who is using this thread as a personal anti-flake manifesto. I don't think I'm the worst, but I can't say I'm perfect either and it really brings it home what an impact it has. I'm certain your guests had a great time and glad you enjoyed it too.

Is this perhaps not just about getting older? Less people like to go out and get trashed in their middle age?

Your party sounded lovely op. Glad you had a wonderful time.

I organise events for my job and we usually expect a 40% no show. If that helps?

@sellotape12 · Yesterday 17:00

Here we go…. 🫠😂 spoke too soon

Oh, don't worry. Ignore the smug response on here just before yours at 17.00 yesterday (Thursday...) The chance of inviting 60 people to a party, and having only 4 or 5 not turn up is vanishingly small - as lots of people have said on this thread.

It's quite common for as many as half of the people to not turn up. And very common for about a third to not show. Some of them will let you know they're not coming. Some of them will say they are coming and not turn up. But yeah, it's not unusual to invite 38 people and have like, only 12-15 turn up.

You're absolutely right in what you said in one of your posts.

Would I do it again for a 50th in ten years time? Absolutely not. And I feel really sad saying that. It shouldn’t have to be like this. I don’t know if it’s the mix of social media in our lives, lack of telephone usage, normalisation of anxiety and post Covid but I think the whole mix of that has allowed weakened friendship bonds.

And I think that’s just really sad as a society. I think back to my family growing up in close proximity to each other. You made a commitment by phone to meet friends and you stuck to it. You looked forward to it. You went to each other’s houses and called each other. Now we just hide behind text messages and flakiness and it’s just not how humans were meant to be.

Yep! As a society we've broken down and we don't know how to mix anymore ... It doesn't help that many people don't live near family or friends now. (As much as they did 30+ years ago.) And that many more women work now - often full time - and the communities have broken down.

Even I live around half hour's drive from my DC now, and have no-one closeby. Friends and family live half hour's drive or more away.. And my extended family is scattered across the country and the world. When I was a child growing up in the 1970s, this was never a thing ... Everybody I knew and everybody I was related to was within 20-30 minutes walk. One small part of the extended family - one great aunt and one great uncle - and their family(s) lived 15-20 minutes drive away in the car.

And you're right. People used to arrange to meet and almost everyone would turn up. I invited a bunch of people to my 18th and 21st birthday parties, and my hen party, and 90% to 95% of people turned up. (1980s and early 1990s.) All 3 parties had around 40-45 people invited.

When my friend had a party for her 50th birthday last year only 8 out of 25 turned up. That is what we've turned into sadly. The chance of 55+ people turning up out of 60, is very low.

.

I am so fortunate to have a group of party loving local friends and we meet up all the time. My university friends who are quite similar to me but live in different places lead comparatively pretty isolated lives so it can be area dependent. None of them had 50ths.

In my experience there are a few things that can help a little. I always have a far better turn out in the summer months (sorry op!) the dark nights and illness circulating only adds to a no show list. Afternoons running into the evening (optional) works for an older or tired crowd. It feels like less effort and they can leave when they want to.

Invite the entire family and they are much more likely to make it - most parents love the idea of their children also benefiting socially. This works really well with children under the age of 13 or adult children that know each other. It can work with teens if they are keen.

Get everyone involved - if they are contributing something major to the party (a speech, a song etc) they are far less likely to cancel.

I have had so many parties over the years, mostly successful but not always. Always over invite and play down what you are hosting. A small dinner might be a huge banquet - your guests will be positively surprised. It’s better that way around. If in doubt low key bbqs, fire pit parties and dinners are the way to go! No one ever complained that a bbq turned into an impromptu party 💃

Oh, don't worry. Ignore the smug response on here just before yours at 17.00 yesterday (Thursday...) The chance of inviting 60 people to a party, and having only 4 or 5 not turn up is vanishingly small - as lots of people have said on this thread.

Not smug at all. Just getting a bit fed up of the number of posts on here that have one experience and then state it applies to "everyone". Happens all the time with "Why do men do X" or "Why do MiLs do Y" ?
I'm just pointing out that it isn't everyone's experience.

Also, I didn't just invite 60 people. I invited over 80 people, but quite a few couldn't come, so I was expecting 67 from the replies and apologies a week before the party.
But, as my post made clear, that wasn't just me, like I am unusual in any way, I have been to 3 other parties since, where I wasn't involved so don't know how many were invited, but I could clearly see the rooms were full.

It's quite common for as many as half of the people to not turn up. And very common for about a third to not show. Some of them will let you know they're not coming. Some of them will say they are coming and not turn up. But yeah, it's not unusual to invite 38 people and have like, only 12-15 turn up.

Well, perhaps you need to get some less flaky friends, as that isn't how people I know behave on mass, and clearly not the guests at other parties I attend (not all the same crowd - I've been to parties of people I know from different places.)

Sorry, but if people’s lives are so busy and burnt out that they can’t commit to a good friend’s 40th birthday party and actually show up, they need to make some changes.

As the OP says, this has been normalised but it’s not how we’re supposed to be.

Her good friends did show up,though, 7 of them with their dps. The other invites were made up of work colleagues and school mums. They perhaps didn't realise they were important invitees and needed for the numbers.

But that's the whole problem - that numbers are always important for things like this, and we've collectively forgotten that.

Yes but to hire a venue you need more reliable, close people. The school mums and work colleagues should always be extras that if they didn't show it doesn't matter. So if you have 7 close friends, have a dinner party. If you have 30 close friends hire a venue.

What changes can you possibly expect them to realistically if they are struggling to pay the bills?!

I can’t imagine a working parent could ever manage 30 ‘close’ friends in reality. Most of us have a handful or two of really close friends, and the rest are just friends and acquaintances.

We hosted a do for my husband's family last weekend. They were complaining that they only see each other at funerals and asked us to put something together (we are the most central). 40 said they would come. Then the excuses started. One branch booked a holiday. Another decided to visit her caravan by the coast. Others were tired. Others fell out with each other. In the end we had 18 instead of 40. And that's family! We were just doing drinks and nibbles so it wasn't a huge issue but these were family!

Honestly, 50ths are way better. By 50, most people have gotten over themselves and worked out what matters in life. Or at least, you've eased the losers out of yours.

I am curious what you mean by gotten over themselves and worked out what matters. What matters to you at 50?

By your 60th loads of cancellations from people who can't be bothered! 50th is peak party age.

Why can’t they be bothered at 60??
Surely you would be taking every invite as a win at that point?!🤷‍♀️😂

My husband had a 60th and about a third didn't come and there were some very dodgy excuses!!

How rubbish of them! What kind of party? What do you suggest for 50?

By 50 you might have lost people. Puts things into perspective.

I would just say to invite loads more people than you expect. Expect about a third to drop out.

Oh I see. Yes ofc.
I thought it was some magical wisdom I am missing - like the meaning of life falls into place.

I’m glad you had a good time regardless of your flakey friends. I hope your 40’s are full of fun and happiness.