People dropping out of my 40th on Sat. Should I cancel?

[sellotape12]

Hi this is sensitive and upsetting so please - don't come for a fight.
I'm 40 on Friday and have booked a catered bar thing for 28 friends. Invitations were sent out and people RSVP'd yes so I ordered catering and drinks accordingly. There's a minimum spend which I'll need to cover if it doesn't get spent - all normal. With 6 days to go, about eight of the 'yes' are now becoming 'no'. Not sure if there'll be more. At what point do I cancel it all?
Or how can I re-frame my thinking that a smaller thing will be just as nice (although might be expensive for me as I'll have to cover cost now) ?

Gosh I wish people wouldn't flake. It's a big birthday milestone not an in-between one. It's making me think I'm not important and feeling a bit down!
How would you re-frame this in your mind, or with your practical head on?

I too think more will drop out before Friday.

This is why I didn’t have a party. I find the whole thing so stressful and always have. My 21st was like that. Barely anyone came and the people that did were asking why none of my high school friends were there which just made me anxious. For my 40th I went to dinner and kareoke with 6 closest friends - though even that one (who I thought) was one of my best friends didn’t even respond to the invite and my sister cancelled the dinner and turned up late to kareoke.

I thought it was the person invited’s husband who broke their arm and the wife said they needed to stay home and look after them? Which is totally different..

OP I can occasionally want to get out of an invitation I’d accepted. It’s a kind of anxiety. If you told me you were a bit hurt and had spent money it would probably make me think again and come. (some people may get arsey at being told this and may fall out with you, but then again are they great friends anyway if they hurt you..?)

I would do a ring round the other guests and check they are coming.

I mean an actual ring round not texting as you will get a much better sense from talking to everyone

You need to focus on the people who do come and stop fretting about the ones who arent.

Don't punish the ones whoxare looking forward to celebrating with you.

We had a family do yesterday. Checked dates with everyone. Then the cancellations started coming in. People decided to go on holiday, couldn't change their work shifts etc. We had 18 instead of 30. Luckily it was just at our house. But honestly it was lovely to see those who did come.

I’d contact the other guests but not directly check they are coming. More of a “looking forward to seeing you on Friday. Just a heads up, there is limited space in the venue’s car park so I’d suggest parking on X street. I’ve ordered food for us all so make sure you come hungry!”

Or something along those lines. Then hopefully they’ll all reply with “sounds amazing, can’t wait”.

I would feel sad about this too and I would probably cancel and have a weekend away or a spa day with my closest friends.
And I'd be honest and explain why you cancelled.
I hope you do have a nice birthday.

You need to focus on the people who do come and stop fretting about the ones who arent.
Don't punish the ones whoxare looking forward to celebrating with you.

This ^

I mean, a bit late now, but when you have another 'do' in 10 years time, remember there are always people that let you down, and invite more.

I would be inclined to invite some more people now.
But, either way, I'd go ahead with the people who do come.

I think that many people have become deplorably flaky and laying out money for these events is not a good idea because of late cancellations. I'd just invite lots of other people, wouldn't tell the cancellers that you are hurt unless you can do it face to face and the time seems right, because cancelling is so common nowadays. Hope it happens and goes well. Happy birthday.

This ^.

Sometimes a smaller so with people who care enough to show up for you is the best thing.

I'm sorry your friends are so flaky. I hope you still have a great night 🥂

Unless the OP explained all that to them when they were invited, it's a bit late to be telling them now. OP should have explained all that at the outset.

Some of those excuses are shit. Baby not sleeping through the night - I'm sure they knew that one and it's unlikely they're so tired they can't manage an hour. Husband broke arm - maybe acceptable if they have young kids that need caring for and carrying but of not,sure he can manage for an evening on his own. Pregnant and feeling tired - kind of goes with the territory and if you thought there was a doubt you couldn't make it, you tell them straight up. I don't think it's bad to reply to the more flakey ones and say its a shame they changed their mind / hadn't organised things sooner since you'd arranged food and catering based on them being there.

Thanks so much everyone for kind, thoughtful and yes even different views. The panic really set in. I know 4 close friends who are really excited and will come for sure. So maybe it's teeny and hopefully we'll have a good time? It's just if I knew it would be so low I wouldn't have paid for bar and catering hire, we would have just gone to dinner. Found out that if if I cancel the venue hire now I will lose 50% of it as it's so last minute.

It's reassuring yet devastating to read that this has happened to a few of you lot too. And for clarity, it's my friend's husband who broke his arm, not her. They have no kids. (Get it that he wouldn't want to come but why can't she do 4 hours at a party nearby?!)

Side note, yeah I find it so sad that flaking is commonplace these days. Why is that? Is it WhatsApp (all my No's came through WhatsApp). When my mum and her twin turned forty, I remember loads of people coming and it was the event of the year for people. Not sure why modern life makes it easy to not commit.

People are flakey. We had around 15 no shows at our wedding party which out of 100 didn't make a huge dent but I'd still factored them into catering etc. None of them had a decent excuse!

God I hate flakes, and this is why I never organise things anymore. It's so easy to cancel with Whatsapp.
I would go ahead and celebrate even if only 10 turn up.
Don't invite the flakes to anything ever again.

i agree and think it might be best to prepare yourself for this.
am currently suffering with a horrid cold and there’s lot of it about. I think you’re likely to get a couple who are ill/kids are ill so don’t want to leave them.
doesn’t mean it won’t still be fun though!
would you even be able to cancel without forfeiting deposit?

All shit excuses apart from the passport office.

I am so sorry OP. I hope you have a lovely birthday regardless.

I'd contact your friend who's husband broke his arm and ask her if she can still come tbh

On my 40th , I went to Bath with son...it was lovely, just going around the shops. No party, but I've never really been one for 'Parties'.
If you don't drink alcohol, they seem a bit pointless.

I'd much rather have a small get together with friend/s that really are important to you.

Really sorry to hear you've got friends cancelling. I agree with other posters that people seem to be quick to cancel now. I find it selfish and rude unless they have a really genuine excuse, although I think a lot of the time it's because they can't be bothered to go out!

I had two really good friends cancel the day before my hen do... I was so disappointed. It makes you feel rubbish.

I'd be tempted to cancel now and have a weekend away instead x

Oh no hate when they do this my SIL invited 40 and only 16 turned up lots messaged day before and some just no shows so rude I’d never do this it’s just bad manners

Im Sorry OP. I hate it when people drop out … it’s so sad and doesn’t make you feel good 😢. Really annoys me to. I always say , if I say I’m going - I’m going. Unless I’m too sick to go ! Sorry this is happening to you OP !

Thanks I just found out tonight that if I cancel the whole thing now, I'm still on the hook for 50% of the cost, since the bar can't obviously do another private hire in 6 days. I'm starting to feel a bit cross. Just RSVP 'no' or 'maybe', or at least give me more than 6 days notice. It means I can neither cancel nor use my budget to spend it on a weekend away. Sort of stuck with my d**k in my hand, as my OH would say

I missed my friend's wedding because I had a baby, but her wedding was two days after my due date and it was always going to be hit or miss if I could go! Just being pregnant wouldn't have made me miss something I'd agreed to do. I went out with my colleagues one evening even though I was knackered a few weeks before my baby was born. Said I was going to, so I did.

Yeah, do something like this, and say that you've had X people drop out so if they have someone else in mind please let you know.