People dropping out of my 40th on Sat. Should I cancel?

[sellotape12]

Hi this is sensitive and upsetting so please - don't come for a fight.
I'm 40 on Friday and have booked a catered bar thing for 28 friends. Invitations were sent out and people RSVP'd yes so I ordered catering and drinks accordingly. There's a minimum spend which I'll need to cover if it doesn't get spent - all normal. With 6 days to go, about eight of the 'yes' are now becoming 'no'. Not sure if there'll be more. At what point do I cancel it all?
Or how can I re-frame my thinking that a smaller thing will be just as nice (although might be expensive for me as I'll have to cover cost now) ?

Gosh I wish people wouldn't flake. It's a big birthday milestone not an in-between one. It's making me think I'm not important and feeling a bit down!
How would you re-frame this in your mind, or with your practical head on?

any/all of this is a perfectly acceptable reason to decline an invite, because you don't want to go. It is not a fair, acceptable, or kind reason to say you will go to something and then change your mind, letting someone down. That is the whole point of the thread, which people seem to be deliberately missing. It's people dropping out that is upsetting to OP, not the people who told her they couldn't come in the first place.

Anyway hope you have an amazing time tonight OP!

Don't cancel! You'll have a great time with the people who really want to be there!

You wouldn't back out of a wedding 6 days before without a really solid excuse.

Not true I'm afraid. I had guests whatsapp me during the reception to say they didn't fancy driving as it was a hot day. 🙄

OP, i hope you have a lovely evening.
This will give you clarity in your life regarding certain people.
When similar happened to a friend of mine, she didn't get upset, just noted it.
When those friends next came looking for any favour, she was a very kind person, she had zero difficulty in saying.
No more pet sitting/ watering plants.
No more loaning her holiday home.
No more making her very special cakes.
No more saying yes to fair weather friends.
No more making any effort.
She has subsequently said she wished she had done it a decade earlier and her 50's have been the better for it.

Hope you have a lovely birthday this evening @sellotape12 !

Enjoy tonight 🍾

@peachcob thats such a shame! Do you think they were expecting more guests that just didn’t come? Such a shame we have become this was a society, no one can be bothered to do anything!

I hope you had a lovely birthday with your nearest and dearest.
@Littys i had a similar experience to your friend.
I have realised over the years who my close friends are and who are acquaintances- I still see them all at mutual friends gatherings and interactions are as if we are friends but have been dropped by the acquaintances for socials and on group web chats. It did hurt initially as don’t know why but have noticed I am invited when they are having ‘beauty’ party’s etc where I spend money but not the socials so I am aware of how they see me and I am happy knowing who are my real friends and better off for it.

Ah no how awful. Wtf is wrong with people?

I have a lovely gang of friends that I randomly fell in with about 25 years ago. One was a friend of a friend. I remember one of the first nights out we were going out and I offered to collect her from her house first and then dump the car. She was very close with her sisters and they all seemed to travel with a large entourage all the time, all very glam and outgoing. I found them quite intimidating to be frank.

I rocked up to her house and she still had to get a few things together so I stepped inside saying hello to her brother. When I was there the phone rang. It was her older and most glamorous sister. I could only hear one side of the conversation but deduced my new friend was telling her sister that I was there and sharing details of where we were going to meet 'some others'. My friends face looked a little stressed then she nodded to whatever her sister was saying, hung up and turned to me. My heart sank as I assumed she was cancelling on me to go to a better party elsewhere.

In fact she said to me "listen do you think the others would mind if we changed the venue from X pub to Y pub up the road. It's supposed to be really nice. My sister is there with her friend from work who is having a birthday party and nobody has shown up. She's a lovely girl apparently and she's nearly in tears. If we can get the gang in fast she won't be stressing waiting for the rest of them to show."

Right there and then I knew these were My People Forever.

Hope it went really well OP xx

How did the party go? Hope you had a good one 🎂

@sellotape12 Hope you had a wonderful weekend celebrating your birthday 🎉

Please don't cancel. Those who do come will make it special for you & it means you're more likely to get to have a good chat with everyone if there's not as many turn up. Enjoy your big Birthday

You're 23 pages in and very late to the hopefully not cancelled party!

Hello, I’m the OP. I didn’t cancel the party although was nervous all day! It was small but lovely. About 14 people (including partners) turned up so I relaxed into thinking; you know what, to have 7 women I can call friends at at the age of forty feels pretty good.
It certainly wasn’t a big party and nobody danced(!) but we did talk and I think the sunniest people were actually happy to be out without their kids. Everyone was in bed by 1am latest. I’m ok with that.

The bar / venue was really good and moved some furniture and turned the lights down and added tea lights to make it seem cosier and less empty.

Two people who had RSVP’d yes (4 if you include their husbands) never showed, nor called or text on the day. Both followed up a few days later with paper thin text messages. I feel miffed about that. Can’t be bothered making so much effort either them anymore and not to be petty but no, no I’m no longer turning up to your kids’ birthdays with presents for them.

We didn’t quite hit the minimum spend which to be fair I always knew was a risk and was willing to take. On the flipside we were only about a hundred quid off and the bar let us put half of it on a voucher to come back 😭❤️ So a lot of you were right - it’s amazing how much people will spend. Even mocktails ain’t cheap.

Would I do it again for a 50th in ten years time? Absolutely not. And I feel really sad saying that. It shouldn’t have to be like this. I don’t know if it’s the mix of social media in our lives, lack of telephone usage, normalisation of anxiety and post Covid but I think the whole mix of that has allowed weakened friendship bonds. And I think that’s just really sad as a society. I think back to my family growing up in close proximity to each other. You made a commitment by phone to meet friends and you stuck to it. You looked forward to it. You went to each other’s houses and called each other. Now we just hide behind text messages and flakiness and it’s just not how humans were meant to be.

Anyway thank you for being such a lovely lot. I know that there’s the occasional bad apple looking for a fight on mumsnet but I also know that it’s a community of like-minded people and I’m sorry so many of you struggled with this social phenomenon as well.

Anyway! LIFE BEGINS..

So pleased to hear that you enjoyed your party @sellotape12 and you're quite right not to bother about making much effort with the flaky ones in future. Life is too short.

Great news op that you had a lovely group of friends to celebrate with. IMO the smaller parties are the best ones anyway. You spend time with everyone and no one is left dangling. You absolutely did the right thing to come through for them.

Bless you op you sound so lovely and agree with every word.

Had my 50th the week before yours so was drawn to your thread. Also had lots of drop outs etc but had enough for a rocking party - but only just. I also vowed never to put myself through the stress again. Agree it’s a shame. People like us will stop putting ourselves out there and parties will die out.

14 out of 28 pretty good in 2024. Glad you had a good time.

Thanks @sellotape12 for the update. Glad you managed to have a good time despite people’s flakiness - especially those who just didn’t show, how rude!

I'm glad you had a good time. At least you know who your real friends are. Shocking replying yes then just not turning up.

I knew you wouldn't leave us hanging OP! Thanks for the update and for not being a flaky person!

'Would I do it again for a 50th in ten years time? Absolutely not. And I feel really sad saying that. It shouldn’t have to be like this'

Don't feel sad op, just count your blessings as you say that you have 7 good friends. Take them out for a meal for a next celebration or have a do at home. Booking a venue will always have risks unless it's a wedding!

Yeah this.

If you don't want to go/can't go, that's fine, but don't say you're going and then not turn up. Horrible thing to do.

Awwww, still a good amount of people 14 + you, is a party!!!

Glad you enjoyed it @sellotape12

But you're not the first to have a party and invite 30-40 people, and have less than half turn up. So don't feel blue about it.

This is why lots of people invite the people they really want to come to their party, (like maybe 20 people,) and then another 20 or so on top in case their preferred 20 let them down/don't turn up.

I am often invited by people as one of the 20 'just in cases.' I get invited by quite a few people who I have very little to do with. Some people who have spoken to me 3 times in 3 months at my workplace invite me to their party, and I think 'why..?'

But I still go (usually) as I like a party, and I discover that half the preferred 20 didn't come. After that the person holding the party ends up being more chatty and friendly at work - probably because I didn't let them down, by saying I was going, and then not turning up.