People dropping out of my 40th on Sat. Should I cancel?

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Hi this is sensitive and upsetting so please - don't come for a fight.
I'm 40 on Friday and have booked a catered bar thing for 28 friends. Invitations were sent out and people RSVP'd yes so I ordered catering and drinks accordingly. There's a minimum spend which I'll need to cover if it doesn't get spent - all normal. With 6 days to go, about eight of the 'yes' are now becoming 'no'. Not sure if there'll be more. At what point do I cancel it all?
Or how can I re-frame my thinking that a smaller thing will be just as nice (although might be expensive for me as I'll have to cover cost now) ?

Gosh I wish people wouldn't flake. It's a big birthday milestone not an in-between one. It's making me think I'm not important and feeling a bit down!
How would you re-frame this in your mind, or with your practical head on?

@J3nnyFromTheBlock because it is extremely hurtful if someone cancels on an important event for a weak reason - as the OP is!

As I’ve already said, it’s not for you to decide what is or isn’t a valid reason. If they say they can’t make it, then that’s their decision. Inviting someone to a knees up for your birthday doesn’t entitle you to know the details of their lives. Get over yourself.

OP I hope thar the number of people replying saying the same has happened to them will help you to take this less personally - it's not you or a judgement on you. People are just so flakey. It's not new but I think it's definitely got worse since Covid.
Definitely invite more people and encourage those coming to bring a friend. I wouldn't feel at all offended at being invited to something last minute.
Don't cancel, sod the flakes! Have a great night - 20 (or even 15, or 10 or whatever) is a good number.

can you share it wider at work or school gates as some people will have had other plans fall through and be looking for something to do. What about neighbours etc

invite more people as there will be more drop outs

but do drop it into conversation that it cost you money and next time anyone is doing something big, make a big fuss of asking them what the penalty is if people don’t come as you got caught out last time and wouldn’t want same thing to happen to them when you’re with a big group

I’m sorry - it’s shit.

however, I think you shouldn’t take it personally. Judging by the excuses, many of your friends are at that stage where just getting through the day is exhausting.

lots of people stop socialising when work is busy and they have babies. They then all moan about how dull their lives are and start being nostalgic for the good old days.

it’s selfish, but it’s nothing to do with you. It’s just that come the weekend they just want to watch Netflix with a big bag of crisps and wear joggies.

I would be so upset by these friends - I bet they're all people whose events you have supported in the last too. Just know it's not personal - probably the opposite , they know how lovely and popular you are and so suspect that you wouldn't notice or mind them not being there. If it was just one person you wouldn't really mind but it's the compound effect.

You will have a few great friend with you- don't let it ruin your night!

Try to negotiate a lower minimum spend or bar credit for an extra night out if the numbers will be smaller xx

This is a shame

@BalletCat me broken arm for one evening?! You'd make you dp miss a friends big bday?
Gosh as a single mum who does everything one handed holding a baby I have absolutely no sympathy 😂 just have pizza that evening and get him to open your wine bottle before he leaves the house, or go to the party with a plaster on your arm like everyone does when they're young!!

Op - the baby isn't sleeping one is the only one I empathize a little with as it is pure hell
On earth and showering even can feel impossible. But you're right one should be able to go if they are a couple.

I personally don't think so.
On my birthdays since I have been an adult I have been on lots of holidays.
Last year on my 43rd birthday I got to meet the band that has been my favourite band since I was 16.
Some birthdays may have just been normal days but others were great.
Much better than the stress of a party and worrying about whether people will show up or not

@MystyLuna that's nice, if you like celebrating alone or if you have a dp I could se how that's enjoyable but for op who I think if single /childfree and probably
Puts a lot of effort into a friendships I think she deserved some effort back.

Op I would be there with bells on if I knew you!

Charming! You know when you have a partner you're supposed to care about their wellbeing more than a party.

@BalletCat I think it's about caring about your friend who's big birthday it is, more than the party itself

And your partner comes before a friend.

Seriously if someone is in pain with a broken arm and struggling to do things, they've struggled all week while you've been at work, then it comes to the weekend and you just fuck off and leave them again it's not very caring is it. It's not every day you break a main limb and need help to do things.

You can brag that you do everything with one arm because you have a baby on your own but you absolutely put the baby down to cook, go to the toilet, wash yourself, dress yourself, cut up food to be able to eat it etc. Until you literally can't use one of your arms you don't realise how hard everything is with only one hand. He's probably Also in pain if it's a new thing that his arm broken. Also sitting alone not being able to do anything or go anywhere is pretty miserable with or without pain.

Real friends know family comes first.

I have definitely broken limbs before and still gone out!

Good for you!

how many more drop outs OP?

just read the post the post in question

and it really is as bad as other posters have interpreted

@JumpstartMondays 😆

Wow you sound controlling!

if it was my oh’s friend and I had broken my arm I would either go if I wasn’t in a lot of pain or I would be saying you go for a few hours, I’ll manage, just sort dinner before you go if you wouldn’t mind. There is no way I’d be saying you must stay at home with me because I have my arm in a cast otherwise you don’t care. If you actually cared about your oh also you would give them the option to go.

I think that’s the point though isn’t it, if it was a good friend you would make every effort to go and would give a valid excuse because as they are your good friend they DO know the details of your life

@whatareyousayingtome Having just caught up with this thread I don't think @J3nnyFromTheBlock could possibly know what good friends are, so I think you're wasting your breath there.

🙄🤷🏻‍♀️😆
I respect my friend’s privacy. And know that if they cancel plans they still care about me and vice versa. Friendship doesn’t require explanation.

You’re missing the point. The reasons given are valid. Any reason is valid. They aren’t going to the party and they’ve told their friend this. Being friends with someone doesn’t entitle you to know every detail of their life. It’s just controlling and entitled.

@J3nnyFromTheBlock Meanwhile some of us respect our friends enough to say 'I'm really sorry I can't come to celebrate with you [and mean it] but X or Y has happened and I just can't make it work'.

I can't imagine a world in which I'd turn down an important invitation from a valued friend with just a 'no, can't make it'. Even less so if I've already previously said I can make it. Fine for an acquaintance maybe, or a colleague. Bizarre behaviour among people who are supposed to be friends.

Why are they your friend, if not to share in the joys and disappointments of each other's lives?

Her friends gave these reasons:

  •Work stress/ travel x2

• Got to go to the passport office(!)
• Baby isn't sleeping TTN (can't one of them come?)
• Husband has broken arm, need to stay home
• Forgot and can't find a sitter (you had a printed invite 4 weeks ago)
• Pregnant and feeling tired
• stress/ travel x2
• Got to go to the passport office(!)
• Baby isn't sleeping TTN (can't one of them come?)
• Husband has broken arm, need to stay home
• Forgot and can't find a sitter (you had a printed invite 4 weeks ago)
• Pregnant and feeling tired

so why can’t OP have some consideration for her friends and accept that these reasons are valid? And that the world does not revolve around her little get together. People are busy, and have all kinds of things going on, that they can choose to keep private from their friends. The reasons given might be the genuine reasons, or they might be covers for something else’s going on that they are choosing to keep private. Either way, it is selfish and entitled to expect people to put their problems to one side to go for a birthday drink.