People dropping out of my 40th on Sat. Should I cancel?

[sellotape12]

Hi this is sensitive and upsetting so please - don't come for a fight.
I'm 40 on Friday and have booked a catered bar thing for 28 friends. Invitations were sent out and people RSVP'd yes so I ordered catering and drinks accordingly. There's a minimum spend which I'll need to cover if it doesn't get spent - all normal. With 6 days to go, about eight of the 'yes' are now becoming 'no'. Not sure if there'll be more. At what point do I cancel it all?
Or how can I re-frame my thinking that a smaller thing will be just as nice (although might be expensive for me as I'll have to cover cost now) ?

Gosh I wish people wouldn't flake. It's a big birthday milestone not an in-between one. It's making me think I'm not important and feeling a bit down!
How would you re-frame this in your mind, or with your practical head on?

@J3nnyFromTheBlock but the point is that about half of these are pathetic non-reasons that suggests the OP is not a priority to the “friend”!

Don't be ridiculous it's perfectly normal to care for a sick or injured spouse instead of going to a party. I also wouldn't leave my husband like that. And Op's friend doesn't want to leave her partner like that, and many PPs have said they wouldn't leave their partner like that. It's clearly a normal take on the situation.

Controlling? Don't be silly.

@J3nnyFromTheBlock You misunderstand me, I'm not making any comment at all on the reasons given by the OP's friends. I'm baffled at your attitude that giving a reason isn't even required and the friend that's hosting an event you're dropping out of doesn't have any right or expectation of respect enough to be told why.

You say 'it's none of their business' and I wonder in that case why you are friends in the first place.

Dear god 🙄🤦🏻‍♀️
They aren’t non reasons. They are reasons. But again, their reasons are none of OP’s business. If theses people are such good friends to OP then she should trust that they’d be there if they could. If her initial reaction is that they don’t give a shit about her then that sounds like a problem she has with herself.
if my friends cancelled on me with these reasons, I’d be checking in with them, asking if they need a coffee and a chat, making sure the husband with the broken arm was doing ok, asking if they needed my help to have a breather from the non sleeping baby. I wouldn’t be making it all about me over a few bloody birthday drinks. People have bigger things to deal with than someone’s 40th birthday!

i do get where @JumpstartMondays is coming from

i so trust that my close friends love me and want to be with me and would only ever cancel coming to my party if something really was very valid… then they really could give me the most pathetic reason and i would believe them

i meant @J3nnyFromTheBlock

Exactly this.

Are you just here to keep a running tally of how many people have dropped out? Have a bit of tact

@J3nnyFromTheBlock it's not just a random birthday though, it's a big one which means quite a lot to most people. If the OP was kicking up about her 39th birthday drinks I'd think yeah come on, get over yourself but a milestone birthday is significant to most people so you'd hope people would make the effort to come. Of course things come up and things happen but saying you're tired is a crap reason not to attend. Pop in for an hour and show your face. You don't have to be there till the early hours. I think most people recognise the significance of a special birthday and would make the effort to attend. Most people don't get the chance to see each other as much as they'd like because of work/ stress/ families etc so when things like this are put in the diary, you make every effort to be there if you've said you will attend. That's what good friends do.

You sensitive soul you!

@earlylunch I just think it's weird you're asking how many more drop outs!

because if 8 dropped out giving 7 days notice… they were the considerate ones

and given the entire crux of the thread is about cancellations and whether she should abort the party… kind of relevant given it’s now 2!l days away?

There's a thread from the flip side going on at the moment, where OP is pulling out of a group weekend for a non - reason; it does happen.

It’s a broken arm not a terminal illness!! Jesus Christ people go about their business as best they can with a cast on their arm, they don’t need constant care.

Dont cancel. You'll enjoy it however many ppl are there. Maybe you'll enjoy it more with fewer and you'll have a celebration to look back on which they won't have.
Hang the expense - it's your 40th!

They said ‘husband has a broken arm’. husband doesn’t need to go if he’s in pain.
i hate flakiness and tbh because my pals have flaked in the past (including for my wedding) it puts me off ever organising anything because I would be absolutely emotionally crushed (again) if people promised to come then didn’t.
i would rather they just weren’t friends with me than constantly flaked out.
And to anyone who is a flaky person. No it’s not ok. It hurts to be flaked out on all the time and we’re lying when we tell you it’s fine because reality is it is not. What do you really expect us to tell you (you’re a shit friend and you need to GTF??? Why should we have to say cruel things and make you feel like crap when all you need to do is just do what you agreed to).

Good luck tonight OP, hope you have a ball!

I hope you have a great evening, regardless of who turns up!

🤷🏻‍♀️ people are allowed to change their minds. You know… free will…. Consent. Come on!

Yes, but choices come with consequences. Flakiness leads to hurt friends and loss of trust.

Maybe she isn’t “the” priority. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Maybe their Dc or Dp are . Or even their own sanity and well-being. At the op’s age people are no longer “ bouncing back” the way we all did in our teens and early twenties. Babies and time take their toll and many find it much harder to recover from a night out so if they know they have to go to the passport office etc, pacing oneself can be more of an issue than the sort of bouncing off the walls stamina of our twenties.

Are we really so decrepit that we can't pop out for an hour? We aren't talking about going clubbing to 3am!

Generally maintaining social contacts is better for your sanity.

It’s not the hour though: it’s the getting babies settled and making sure whoever has them knows the drill; and then pummelling milky breasts into party gear; and the getting there; and the getting stuck there ( often fun, but makes it later); and the getting home etc; then the inevitable lack of lie-in next morning. Its never “ an hour.” And no we aren’t all necessarily that decrepit, but I’m just saying it’s a phase of life where pacing becomes more of an issue. Also, there are others whom we need to prioritise.

Happy birthday OP. I hope you're looking forward to tonight and not stressed. Get dressed up and have fun with whoever shows up. They will be delighted to be getting out.