People dropping out of my 40th on Sat. Should I cancel?

[sellotape12]

Hi this is sensitive and upsetting so please - don't come for a fight.
I'm 40 on Friday and have booked a catered bar thing for 28 friends. Invitations were sent out and people RSVP'd yes so I ordered catering and drinks accordingly. There's a minimum spend which I'll need to cover if it doesn't get spent - all normal. With 6 days to go, about eight of the 'yes' are now becoming 'no'. Not sure if there'll be more. At what point do I cancel it all?
Or how can I re-frame my thinking that a smaller thing will be just as nice (although might be expensive for me as I'll have to cover cost now) ?

Gosh I wish people wouldn't flake. It's a big birthday milestone not an in-between one. It's making me think I'm not important and feeling a bit down!
How would you re-frame this in your mind, or with your practical head on?

Sorry its worked out this way OP... but hope you enjoy it anyway.

The flakes are rude but there's always the chance of them experiencing karmic revenge which will be a learning curve for them when they are organising something.

"So I’m just going to send a breezy confirmation and let people know that the food is ordered and so on"

I think that is by far the best response.
Make your birthday last at least a week!

Are those people real friends or acquaintances and a bit flaky?

Regardless I would have it with a smalller group. The people who will be there (in my mind) are the people worth being there and if there are some that miss out their problem not yours. Enjoy it with those that mean something to you.

@HmAndAh shocking, especially as you've experienced similar?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/chat/4822650-no-replies-to-the-party-invites

ETA; @sellotape12 don't cancel lovely. Have a blast!

On my 40th, I didn't formally invite anyone, or throw a party for this reason. I invited a tonne of people to my 18th. It ended up me, one friend, a work colleague who just tagged along as he happened to bump into me beforehand, and another friend and his girlfriend who I could tell didn't want to be there (I didn't know her).

My 21st, 'best friend' dropped out as apparently got the day wrong. Housemate who I saw as a friend seemed really annoyed at being invited - the day before came to me asking for the address of the venue in an angry tone, wrote it down, said her and her boyfriend would come then didn't show up. Everyone else bar two that I invited didn't show up either so just me, one friend and my boyfriend at the time. One of those friends invited a bunch of her friends, and plenty of them showed up so the party went ahead and was good-but with a bunch of folk I didn't know!

My 40th, I booked an act at my local pub. Me and landlord went halves on the cost. I put on fb that that was what I was doing, that I had two spare beds and a comfy sofa if anyone wanted to stay over. I sent text invites to friends who weren't on fb.

One 'friend' who'd flaked on previous birthdays, lots of nights out and many, many other things I'd organised or invited her to was SO annoyed that she didn't 'receive an invitation' (neither did anyone else!) that she fell out with me! The last thing she DIDN'T flake on, she'd turned up 3 hours late, drunk out of her skull and left after 30 minutes. She'd gone to a pub beforehand, and bottles of wine were on offer so her and another friend had sank three between them and 'lost track of time' (good riddance).

On fb, I'd say about twenty friends responded saying they'd come. Old work colleagues, old friends, others-I have a small family.
I reserved seats for those who said they'd come for definite.

On the evening, one very new friend attended and me and him are still close now (neighbour). One friend who'd originally declined but had other plans fall through on the evening came. One of my oldest friends-who proceeded to get so drunk he almost ruined the evening (my brother in law who is very no nonsense and old school wanted to punch him!) and he broke one of my new birthday present glasses, squashed my cake...

My DP at the time came with her sister, sister's DP and another friend. And my Mum, Sister, Sister's husband and nephew also attended. Nephew had work at 0700 the next day so didn't stay long. 11 people and many of them not even 'me' people.

Dad didn't come as the act 'wasn't his thing' (he lives 5 mins away and could have turned up for one drink, surely?!)

One couple I invited cancelled on the morning of the event because their cat was very ill and needed to go to the vet-which I totally sympathised with, until a mutual friend told me that it wasn't true-the actual reason was they'd had a drunk en argument the night before and were still reeling from it. They weren't local (an hour away) and I'd said I'd pay for their taxi back if they didn't want to stay over-still didn't attend.

People suck. I am on my own now and although I do get lonely, it does help to remember things like this.

Sorry people have pulled out OP but this is the risk you run if there is a minimum spend that you're relying on guests to make up.

Saying "no" or "maybe" wouldn't have really helped people with eg a broken arm, nobody has a crystal ball.

I hope you manage to have a lovely birthday anyway, even if there are some more drop outs!

Good for you, sounds like the right approach - happy birthday, and I hope you have a fabulous time at your party

If not shaming it's at least guilt-tripping and would make the OP sound a bit desperate - she should rise above it, and put these no-shows out of her mind. As every therapist says - we can't control how people act, only our responses to their actions. I see she intends to send out a breezy text and have a great night anyway

When I was 40, I organised a party not just for my birthday but also end of school leaving party for eldest, DH birthday, some other sort of celebration for the other two children as well. Over 100 people invited, 60 said yes, several other maybes so we organised a hog roast, bar, disco and hired a venue for a Sunday afternoon in August. Weather was great, I'd done loads of catering myself to go with the meat, got all sorts of games set up for children. Less than 30 people turned up, mostly family. It was a total disaster and complete waste of money.

It’s such a horrible thing to do to someone. Sorry OP. I’m another one who didn’t book anything big, just invited the more reliable folks over to mine, and it was lovely as they all turned up. Had I booked a venue, I’d have been in the same position.

Don't cancel. Invite some extras in place of those who can't make it.

You can be honest about that: "I was only having a smallish thing so had to limit invited a little, which was annoying, but a couple of people have had to say no last minute and so I would really love you to come if you can".

Cancellations are inevitable. Best to over invite. We had people not come on our wedding day after saying yes. That was brutal. But it was for understandable reasons (health in one case, and a sudden break up in the other).

Oh yeah I would deffo do this.

I bet some will suddenly find themselves able to make it.

"Don't think I'd fancy a night of drinking and dancing with a broken arm. I mean yeah, I could technically attend...but would I enjoy it? Not much."

Sure @pictoosh ... but in this case it's someone's significant birthday and you already said yes. Maybe it's not all about you?

People feel no care or obligation to others these days. It's shite.

The broken arm belongs to the invitee's husband!

@Lentilweaver which makes it even worse!!!!

Can you spread the word about the party - invite neighbours, work mates etc? I'm not saying invite total strangers but just extend your list? Leave it flexible and see if any of them turn up?

I'm so sorry this is happening @sellotape12 , it really takes the shine off what should be a fantastic evening. My views,for what they're earth are:
Go ahead and have the most amazing evening anyway. And invite your parents too - 72 year olds are party animals too you know! When I was at school in 6th form we organised a form Christmas night out, but we didn't invite our 'ancient' form mistress because we thought she wouldn't enjoy a night at the pub with noisy 6th formers. We found out from another teacher that our form mistress had been really, genuinely upset not to have been invited. We asked her at the last minute, she turned up looking a million dollars and had a whale of a time.
Happy birthday too!

I think everyone saying 'everyone else is flaky' might just take some time to think if they always attend everything any more and if not why not.

Yes. If I have committed to something I go to it, apart from emergencies. To me that is the bare minimum level of etiquette, not something unreasonable. Nobody is saying you have to "attend everything" just the things you have definitely committed to.

If ops friends were like you and didn't like to commit to things in advance then they should have said "I would love to come if I can but we struggle to get babysitters/with the kids I cant to commit to anything until a week or so before/we might be away that weekend so put me down as a maybe" then she wouldn't have factored you in to the minimum spend. Its the people who RspvD a definite yes and are now backing out with shit excuses that are the flakes.

If anything I'd have more sympathy if they cancelled a day or two before with illness because that is something that you can't plan for and can make all the difference between being able to come or not. But cancelling because YOUR PARTNER broke their arm over a week ago, or because you have to go to the passport office in the day....I mean come on.

I dont get it....do people honestly think its ruder to say "sorry I can't come" than to say they can and then cancel?

If you don't want or can't do something then say so when you are invited
If you aren't sure about whether you can make it or not then say so when you are invited
If you say you will go to an event then go!
It's not that hard.

Some posters are falling over themselves to give a million reasons why someone might not want to socialise....but that's not the issue. Nobody cares if you go out every night or if you never leave the house. It's committing to something and then dropping out that's rude.

I think everyone saying 'everyone else is flaky' might just take some time to think if they always attend everything any more and if not why not.

I don't attend everything - I turn down invitations that I don't want to go to or can't go to.

But I do go to everything I said yes to.

I think in the last 10 years, I have cancelled after RSVPing yes once - because I had norovirus and no one wants that at their party

Make sure and let the venue know if numbers are reduced - sometimes the minimum spend changes, or they will at least be able to reorganise the space to make it look busier (a drinks table in the middle etc). Hope you have a fab night!!

I think everyone saying 'everyone else is flaky' might just take some time to think if they always attend everything any more and if not why not.

Of course I don't attend everything - but I am not going to attend I say that from the outset. If I have RSVPd to any event, I'll be there.

By the way... on minimum spend..

If the venue expects a minimum spend of £1,000, that's because they predict a profit of x% of £1,000. You want to be negotiating to only cover the expected profit, not the cost of the drinks they expected to sell to get that. That might bring your cost down to £700 from £1k.

This is a very good point!

Failing that, towards the end of the night find out if you've met the minimum spend and, if not, take as many extra bottles of wine or prosecco that you need to make it up to the total. Don't just let them have it for nothing!

Hope you're OK @sellotape12 PLEASE don't feel the need to leave your thread, just because of one very nasty post. Come back! Most people are on your side. 😘

Exactly this. ^ Just saying no is fine (as I said earlier.) Saying you will come, and then making some pathetic, flimsy excuse not to, less than a week before is a shitty thing to do. As a pp said, just admit you can't be fucked to go, so at least the OP knows the truth; that you are a crap, flaky friend.

You sure can tell who the flaky people are on here.