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Original poster

People dropping out of my 40th on Sat. Should I cancel?

624 replies

sellotape12 · 13/10/2024 21:19

Hi this is sensitive and upsetting so please - don't come for a fight.
I'm 40 on Friday and have booked a catered bar thing for 28 friends. Invitations were sent out and people RSVP'd yes so I ordered catering and drinks accordingly. There's a minimum spend which I'll need to cover if it doesn't get spent - all normal. With 6 days to go, about eight of the 'yes' are now becoming 'no'. Not sure if there'll be more. At what point do I cancel it all?
Or how can I re-frame my thinking that a smaller thing will be just as nice (although might be expensive for me as I'll have to cover cost now) ?

Gosh I wish people wouldn't flake. It's a big birthday milestone not an in-between one. It's making me think I'm not important and feeling a bit down!
How would you re-frame this in your mind, or with your practical head on?

OP posts:
TheaBrandt · 14/10/2024 14:38

When I was fretting about filling a large room teen Dd told me not to worry as at her party she had a similar number and my friends were “larger” than hers so would take up more space!

000EverybodyLovesTheSunshine000 · 14/10/2024 15:03

I wouldn't reply to say I'm hurt. That's so high maintenance!!
Just invite more people op.
Enjoy your party.

000EverybodyLovesTheSunshine000 · 14/10/2024 15:04

JumpstartMondays · 13/10/2024 21:33

Have you told those that cancelled that you've paid already paid and for catering including for them? If they can't make it ask them to contribute to cover costs since you ordered based on their original RSVP? An awkward ask but it may make them reconsider their flakiness.

Ffs who does this?!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Events & celebrations
Alina3 · 14/10/2024 15:09

000EverybodyLovesTheSunshine000 · 14/10/2024 15:04

Ffs who does this?!

Show quote history

I would say who doesn't offer to pay when they've RSVP to a party someone is paying for based on people attending?

I would never flake like this in the first place, but if something completely unavoidable happened and I simply couldn't make it I would always offer to cover the price of my attendance to ensure the hosts aren't out of pocket. Wedding, children's party (at a location that takes payment per child) etc., if you RSVP yes and then say no at last minute it's extremely basic manners to apologise to the host and offer to cover your costs.

DogInATent · 14/10/2024 15:20

Alina3 · 14/10/2024 15:09

I would say who doesn't offer to pay when they've RSVP to a party someone is paying for based on people attending?

I would never flake like this in the first place, but if something completely unavoidable happened and I simply couldn't make it I would always offer to cover the price of my attendance to ensure the hosts aren't out of pocket. Wedding, children's party (at a location that takes payment per child) etc., if you RSVP yes and then say no at last minute it's extremely basic manners to apologise to the host and offer to cover your costs.

Show quote history

I think you've missed the bit about the OP is only expecting to be out of pocket above her budget figure because in that budget the guests were expected between them to buy £1,000-worth of drinks over the course of the evening (£35/person).

traybake81 · 14/10/2024 15:24

that 20 will start to fall over the week

In your shoes i’d say…. change of plan, drinks and nibbles around mine

Then no pressure for you re the venue

lechatnoir · 14/10/2024 15:25

YES @1offnamechange you've nailed it - no obligation to attend any social event whatsoever but if you're already said yes, then you go unless something pretty bloody major comes up. Just can't fathom deciding you don't feel like going and making a shit excuse or not being able to go without your OH.

traybake81 · 14/10/2024 15:25

000EverybodyLovesTheSunshine000 · 14/10/2024 15:04

Ffs who does this?!

Show quote history

it would seem @JumpstartMondays

Although if this is what she advises, I’m wondering whether she has any friends?

Savingthehedgehogs · 14/10/2024 15:33

It is shit but don’t bury your head in the sand adjust what you can and vow to enjoy it whatever happens!

I once had a cancellation 45 minutes after it started saying they forgot?! It was breathtakingly rude but made me laugh - they didn’t even try and make it and were in their pjs! We had an awesome night to 3am!! Let the miseries stay at home op!!!

traybake81 · 14/10/2024 15:37

lechatnoir · 14/10/2024 15:25

YES @1offnamechange you've nailed it - no obligation to attend any social event whatsoever but if you're already said yes, then you go unless something pretty bloody major comes up. Just can't fathom deciding you don't feel like going and making a shit excuse or not being able to go without your OH.

would you really do as you advised the OP?

Savingthehedgehogs · 14/10/2024 15:41

Many people measure milestones in terms of who showed up for them, so the flakeys are likely to end up with very few friends in time. I would never cancel unless my leg was hanging off! These people are your friends and you show up or ship out I say!

StevieNic · 14/10/2024 15:42

What is it about this weekend, I just had 15 people drop out of my son’s birthday party! There will only be a tiny number now but I’m not cancelling.

Definitely reply to them ‘oh what a shame I’ve already paid as it’s this weekend’ or similar. Nobheads! But keep the party, inform venue of number changed.

Original poster
sellotape12 · 14/10/2024 16:13

@StevieNic So sorry, how old is your son?

OP posts:
traybake81 · 14/10/2024 16:23

Would you consider drinks and nibbles at yours OP? That 20 will drop

and this means no pressure on you financially

and will probably end up.l being a blast!

DogInATent · 14/10/2024 16:36

traybake81 · 14/10/2024 16:23

Would you consider drinks and nibbles at yours OP? That 20 will drop

and this means no pressure on you financially

and will probably end up.l being a blast!

Read the OP's posts. She's on the hook financially even if she cancels.

Toomanyemails · 14/10/2024 16:40

sellotape12 · 14/10/2024 11:11

Hello, it took 15 pages but finally! a nasty bully has turned up so not going to read the replies anymore. Clearly me having to stay upfront in the original post that I didn’t want a fight doesn’t work anymore. Sadly there’s always that teeny tiny corner of MN where people just like to be horrid. Anyway…
Thank you so much for everyone’s support. 99% of you have provided such interesting discussion! And sorry to hear it’s happened to a lot of you. It’s a bit sad for everyone.

I don’t think I’m going to make anyone feel guilty with any emotionally blackmail text or emails, I think if I received something like that it would make me bristle and probably cause me to back off. And fully expecting more people to flake out this week, which is a bit daunting, so I’m just going to send a breezy confirmation and let people know that the food is ordered and so on. I’m trying not to think about it. I know my OH and three great friends will be there so I’ll just have to dance wildly and fill up the room. Xx

Good attitude! Are you in any kind of running/knitting/hobby group where you could message inviting others to join (saying they'd just need to let you know first to make sure you're within numbers, but anyone in the group is welcome)? I'm a bit strange but Ive been the new person in town many times and have been on the receiving end of similar B-list invites, had a blast and met great friends. It's also a way to meet spontaneous people to replace the flakes. Otherwise, hope you and your close circle have a fab celebration - depending on which city you're in it may not be tough to spend the entire allowance anyway!

sunflowersngunpowdr · 14/10/2024 16:40

sellotape12 · 13/10/2024 21:26

@Hercisback1 Yeah I wondered about inviting others but does it look obvious that they'd be fillers now? It's so last minute...
The reasons so far are

  • Work stress/ travel x2
  • Got to go to the passport office(!)
  • Baby isn't sleeping TTN (can't one of them come?)
  • Husband has broken arm, need to stay home
  • Forgot and can't find a sitter (you had a printed invite 4 weeks ago)
  • Pregnant and feeling tired
so not sure I can complain. But still. You RSVP'd "yes". It feels like a gut punch. I don't want to remember my big birthday as the day I had to cancel as I wasn't evidently that important to people.

I wouldn't be surprised if they were playing some kind of horrible joke on you. They all sound like purposefully bad excuses. Do all these people know each other could they have coordinated this as a prank?

traybake81 · 14/10/2024 16:41

DogInATent · 14/10/2024 16:36

Read the OP's posts. She's on the hook financially even if she cancels.

Show quote history

but much less so if she cancels now she could i’m sure agree a compromise

StevieNic · 14/10/2024 16:49

@sellotape12 he is only 2 so won’t notice fortunately! Hopefully he will be happy playing with the few who are coming and it’s at home so no big overheads x

Worried1305 · 14/10/2024 17:07

I don't think you can be cross with people for you being on the hook financially. How were they to know? It will have sounded like an invite to casual birthday drinks in a bar - this isn't like pulling out of a hen do or a wedding.

Lesleyann2413 · 14/10/2024 17:07

I find people more flaky than ever since 2020 i have 4 friends that always show up for me etc so I only make plans with those people nowadays. Anyway i hope your party goes well if you go ahead. It is hurtful i woukd be hurt.

Yoyooo · 14/10/2024 17:43

I will come OP if you're close! I love a party

Judecb · 14/10/2024 17:48

Can you invite bunch of work friends or other more casual friends? It may turn out to be more fun with them than your other flakey friends!

LushLemonTart · 14/10/2024 17:51

StevieNic · 14/10/2024 15:42

What is it about this weekend, I just had 15 people drop out of my son’s birthday party! There will only be a tiny number now but I’m not cancelling.

Definitely reply to them ‘oh what a shame I’ve already paid as it’s this weekend’ or similar. Nobheads! But keep the party, inform venue of number changed.

Aww that's awful. I hope he still enjoys himself. Could you do a house party instead?

traybake81 · 14/10/2024 17:59

StevieNic · 14/10/2024 16:49

@sellotape12 he is only 2 so won’t notice fortunately! Hopefully he will be happy playing with the few who are coming and it’s at home so no big overheads x

a blessing then i’d say!