People dropping out of my 40th on Sat. Should I cancel?

[sellotape12]

Hi this is sensitive and upsetting so please - don't come for a fight.
I'm 40 on Friday and have booked a catered bar thing for 28 friends. Invitations were sent out and people RSVP'd yes so I ordered catering and drinks accordingly. There's a minimum spend which I'll need to cover if it doesn't get spent - all normal. With 6 days to go, about eight of the 'yes' are now becoming 'no'. Not sure if there'll be more. At what point do I cancel it all?
Or how can I re-frame my thinking that a smaller thing will be just as nice (although might be expensive for me as I'll have to cover cost now) ?

Gosh I wish people wouldn't flake. It's a big birthday milestone not an in-between one. It's making me think I'm not important and feeling a bit down!
How would you re-frame this in your mind, or with your practical head on?

Don’t take it to heart OP.
This is just how people seem to be post Covid. I’ve long given up trying to organise anything for my group of friends. DH perseveres with his beer/curry boys night but they’re no better, wont commit, cancel last minute etc…
I plan an epic holiday for my next milestone birthday - couldn’t stand the stress of organising a party!

İ'd just invite more people OP. You don't have to be best friends with someone to love a party and you never know who might be appreciative of a last minute night out.

This is so absolutely unhelpful and uncalled for.

Firstly it’s not likely to be true, but secondly you have not even attempted to offer advice on a way forward. It’s just nastily rubbing salt into a wound.

MY very best friend is gutted to not be able to come as she is a bridesmaid that weekend for her sister which I knew about.

I'm sorry people are pulling out, but honestly? I don't think I'd arrange my 40th knowing my very best friend couldn't come (even if I had to do it before or after the actual birth date). And if I was the best friend I'd feel kind of miffed tbh!

Hello, it took 15 pages but finally! a nasty bully has turned up so not going to read the replies anymore. Clearly me having to stay upfront in the original post that I didn’t want a fight doesn’t work anymore. Sadly there’s always that teeny tiny corner of MN where people just like to be horrid. Anyway…
Thank you so much for everyone’s support. 99% of you have provided such interesting discussion! And sorry to hear it’s happened to a lot of you. It’s a bit sad for everyone.

I don’t think I’m going to make anyone feel guilty with any emotionally blackmail text or emails, I think if I received something like that it would make me bristle and probably cause me to back off. And fully expecting more people to flake out this week, which is a bit daunting, so I’m just going to send a breezy confirmation and let people know that the food is ordered and so on. I’m trying not to think about it. I know my OH and three great friends will be there so I’ll just have to dance wildly and fill up the room. Xx

What a nasty post!

I had never confirmed, no.

Just a small comment OP I am the same age as your parents and I would feel very sad if I was not invited to your party, I don't know of your parents circumstances but are you sure they wouldn't enjoy themselves?

I think a breezy confirmation would be a good idea.
I am going for a free talk on Tuesday in a West End theatre, and I have received no less than THREE reminders reminding me to cancel if I am not going. It would annoy me except I know why they have to ask so many times.

And this is why I don’t celebrate ‘big’ birthdays. I celebrate being alive every year with my DH and kids and do a fun day or away for a few days in the caravan.

People suck.

They seem like valid reasons to me 🤷‍♀️

It isn't "shaming" people 😂- if people are going to renege on their commitment it may cause them to think again. Nothing wrong with that.

Maybe if more people were pro-active before an event in getting people to confirm their confirmation, it would stop flakiness on the day.

"light-hearted and breezy" is fine if you are meeting for a coffee, but for a 40th where the OP could possibly waste hundreds of pounds, no.

I flipping despise some people on MN at the moment. OP deliberately posted in chat and not AIBU to try and avoid the tossers and @HmAndAh comes along, with their nastiness, and drives her from her own thread.

I hate it when people do this.

I invited 50 people to my 40th to a venue with a maximum capacity of 38, knowing that some people would flake at the last minute. I'd have been a bit stuck if they hadn't! But of course they did. 5 or 6 RSVPed no in the first place anyway and I lost another 8 on the day/day before. Some didn't even give a reason, just messaged something like 'really sorry, I won't be there tonight. Have the best time.' etc.

I do get that 'life happens'. It didn't hurt me bacause I'd planned for it and actually relied on it. But if it had meant being left with a half empty venue I'd have been upset.

Sorry OP, that’s hard and it’s totally ok to feel embarrassed and cross. But I promise it’s not you - people are increasingly flaky. Allow yourself to feel bad and then put your big pants on and prep knowing that your closest friends will be there.

Love whoever said friendships are like Teflon!! So true. I genuinely fear for the post- young-children years, where I’m around ‘friends’ all the time.

Annual occurence for me. My birthday is at Christmas and people prefer to celebrate Christmas.

I'd have been overjoyed to have 20 people show up for my 40th. Do it.

ill come!! you sound like a fun person who just has crap mates. Love a party, me! 😀👯enjoy it with your friends who have made the effort, honestly don't be embarrassed. Will the bar allow you to take bottles home if you dont achieve the min spend on the night or come back another time if you have money on account??

I do think it’s a little strange (and very risky) that you planned on your guests making up the minimum spend.

Both me and my DH had parties at pubs for our 40th’s and we covered the minimum spends for the private hire of the rooms by providing food and bubbles for everyone. Yes, we both had a few last minute drop outs which was a shame but it didn’t impact us financially as we had already factored in that the minimum spend was our cost for hosting a party. It just meant more bubbles for those who did come.

If it can make you feel better, it is happening for lots of group meet-ups nowadays, there is almost an expectation that a few will drop out on the day. The issue is when it is not just a few but a significant number.
I think it is selfishness, i.e. ‘do I really want to go?’ even if you made a commitment initially.

Passport woman has a habit of cancelling, yes. Lives the other side of the country. Said she'd booked a flight which I now don't believe.

Maybe it's a cultural thing, but if I was asking a friend to travel across the country for a party I would absolutely be covering the entire cost of the food and drinks, and possibly the accommodation. I'd be horrified to ask them to make up a minimum spend after making that effort. If I was them I wouldn't think my presence will be valued enough to be missed.

This sounds like it's less than a party but more than drinks in the pub. And if it's the sort of venue that known for overcharging for drinks it's not necessarily an attractive night for acquaintances/loose friends two months before christmas when there are a lot of calls on the socialising budget.

fwiw my birthday is within the period a month either side of xmas, I've learned that parties are for very close friends only - including the significant ones with noughts on the end.

Then people complain they are lonely and have no friends…🙄🙄🙄

It’s not you op. Solidarity from a fellow party hoster! Mine was this weekend just gone have 10 years on you also lots of bails and no shows but was critical mass and we had a blast.

this thread is heartbreaking as it is revealing the real problem in the 21st century. So often on mumsnet we see extreme reliance on partners but we need our friends too! So sad to see people not being careful with their friendships. It’s not you, it’s them op, the flakers are doing the wrong thing. One day we’ll look back on the concept of a party in adult years as something people used to do, and society will be a lot worse as a result.

I do agree with @Pookerrod 's point on the minimum spend. Very risky.

I'm guessing that the people you've invited are unaware of this but if they aren't definitely do not send out any responses to the people who cancelled which might look like a guilt trip. It's one thing if you've paid for a meal etc and they've cancelled and another if it's clear they are funding the night themselves. You've got to leave it.

Oh, I don't know. I broke my arm a couple of years ago and I was in no fit state to go anywhere for a few weeks. I was in a lot of pain, couldn't wash my hair properly, let alone style it and I couldn't put a bra on.

I would not have wanted to go to a party in those circumstances.

I would, however, have been telling my DH that he could still go, but if it was a party for one of my friends, rather than his, I imagine he'd have stayed home with the excuse of "looking after" me. If it was his friends or joint friends I'd have encouraged him to go without me.

We had it a couple of years ago when we'd been invited to the evening do of a friend's wedding. DH ended up really sick with the worst cold on the day and he was not in any fit state to go. We did talk about me showing my face for a little while, but I didn't know anyone other than the couple themselves, so I decided to not go and we made it up to them later.

It's not bad to feel sad that so many people have backed out OP, but I'd carry on regardless. More for the rest of you!

Sometimes things happen that can't be helped and sometimes people are too flakey (the ones that "forgot" to book a babysitter are the worst IMO), but go and have a fun night with the ones that ARE making the effort.

Thing is though, for the most part, people used to socialise with those in the same neighbourhood, or club, street or small town. People live a long way away now and have busy lives with two full-time working parents being the norm.

The days of popping to a neighbours for a BBQ are dying out. Our most successful parties have always been fairly impromptu, so same week notice, and for people who are around our house/neighbours/friends who are less than 30 min drive away, everyone bringing something to put on the BBQ. None of my friends socialise in advance much any more, or at least, if local, it's same week/next week possibly- we just see who's around on the weekend and go from there.

Far less successful are things arranged in advance, require hotels, certain outfits etc, unless they are a wedding or funeral.

I think everyone saying 'everyone else is flaky' might just take some time to think if they always attend everything any more and if not why not.

I know why I sometimes cancel at the last min, and so do my friends as they know my life and how unexpected some of the things are that happen within it (due to children).

This season is also full of bugs, 'freshers flu' is going around, Covid is rife and I've had it so expect some people to cancel either because they are ill or their children are ill at the last min.

I don't think there's some sinister 'flakiness' going around, I think people are tired from work, exhausted from caring from their kids and have less disposable income, plus it's cold season- party planners plan for up to 50% drop out and I think if you have a few good friends in a room for your birthday you are doing well.