Anyone else have a neglectful childhood and didn't realise

[anyoneelsefeelthis123]

*My mum had me at 15 and my sister a year later. Anyone else have a neglectful childhood but didn’t really know until you were an older teen? These are some examples that I didn’t realise until I was an older teen age.

My mum would
Take me and my sister to the park every day rain, wind or shine and we would love it and get to play for ages. But she would meet some friends and it wasn’t until I was older I realised it was because she was picking up and using drugs while we played and were non the wiser

Our house was always spotless and I mean spotless and smelled amazing … because my mum would be high on speed and clean like a maniac

We had loads of beautiful gifts for birthdays and Christmas because they were all stolen and my mum would buy them off people who had stolen them

My mum came to every school and out of school event and was really sociable and didn’t work because she wanted to be with us she said but it was because she was always high or drunk and couldn’t get a job or hold down a job

My mum threw the best parties for us as kids and would let us have loads of friends over to sleep and she would do lots of games and food. All because she was off her face

We were never late for school or had untidy uninform as she would iron ours ever morning . Because she hadn’t even gone to bed yet because she’d been up all night on some sort of drug

She never had a boyfriend because she said she wanted to just spend all her time with us but it was because she new the men that she was around we’re not upstanding citizens

She always cooked home made meals every day but that was because when she was cooking was a short period of the day where she wouldn’t be taking drugs or drinking

She would take us out on the bus/train to all different days out again it was all so she could meet with friends or a new dealer or get stolen gifts off other people

I guess I’m writing this because she early 40s now and has completely changed. 5 years ago she started her own cleaning business which has grown a little bit and met her new partner when he contacted her asking if she could help clean his neighbours home as she is elderly and they got chatting. He’s a lovely man who has worked in the trades all his life. He doesn’t do drugs ever and only drinks at special occasions. He’s a few years older and his children are similar age to me and they are wonderful people who have/are doing well in life. My mum no longer does any drugs and doesn’t drink at all and has learnt to drive now she’s sober. So why the hell am I mad at her? Is it because she couldn’t change for me and my sister but did it for a man? Or is it because I actually liked her more before when she was always the life and sole and feel I’ve lost my real mum. Anyone else been in a similar situation? I feel guilty for these feelings *

She sounds like a teenage mum who tried her hardest to raise 2 children while growing up herself. You don't appear to have gone without material items or emotional support, she was just a young addict doing her best not to neglect you.

Your right she was a wonderful mother doing her best so why do I feel mad at her for sorting her life out surely I should be happy for her. I'm just so selfish. I am proud of her but feel let down at the same time

You're allowed to feel how you feel. It sounds though like she's burned out of that lifestyle rather than changing for an individual.

From your description it sounds like despite her drug and alcohol issues your mother didn’t neglect you but one post doesn’t tell the whole picture.

Have you considered talking to a therapist?

It’s harder for lots of people to see their childhood through an adult lense. My DF and DM were emotionally distant but their parenting was better than what they experienced. They were doing their best.

That's awful op and you have every right to be angry. It's sounds like your mum thought of she ticked all the practical and material boxes, that was enough. But addiction means never being fully present.

I would say though that I imagine your mum must have had her demons too. Two kids by 16 is far too much too young and suggests her own childhood can't have been a bed of roses
She was obviously nowhere near ready to be a parent. It might not be so much that she was able to change for a man and not for you, as she has just matured.

Yes maybe that's the case as she did start her cleaning business before even meeting him so she clearly was starting to get herself in the right path.

She just has a different personality now it's hard to get to know her again

Perhaps neglect is the wrong word. Therapy may be a good idea

Hues your right she had a very difficult childhood and her up in care and her life was shocking. She had me so she could leave the care home and escape so your right she had her demons

@Lincoln24 sorry meant to say she grew up in care

@Lincoln24

And yes she wasn't really ever fully present and I see that now as an adult which kind of puts a taint on my childhood

It sounds really complicated OP. She was a child and where were the adults around you when you were little. I must be heart breaking feeling she's changed for others but didn't for you and like you've lost her. I wonder if really she's finally grown up and feels protected and supported. I think the failure is around the other adults who should've noticed that actually her lifestyle exposed you to risks. I hope you are OK OP, and can talk it through in real life.

@anyoneelsefeelthis123 that's very sad, she must have had very little support and also no one who ever modelled good parenting to her. I can see why she found being a mum tough. That doesn't take away your right to your own feelings though. I also think talking this over with a therapist would be valuable.

Of course it's neglect, with kids around drugs etc? Good she hid it from you and you didn't always realise, but still neglect.

My childhood was neglect in the opposite direction 😂 A mother who was completely anti-drugs/theft, yet did not care about us having enough food/toys etc.

Yes, I was going to say that she sounds as if she did a good job in the circumstances, given that she was a child parenting children -- most importantly, you felt loved, and she spent time with you, made sure you wanted for nothing materially, and was there for you in terms of hosting your friends, showing up to school events, and didn't inflict druggie boyfriends on you.

I'm still discovering in my 50s how emotionally neglected, as well as deprived, my upbringing was. No drugs or drink, but we were extremely poor, my father was often unemployed, and my parents, who both came from very dysfunctional backgrounds, had far too many children and had no idea how to parent. There often wasn't a lot of food, they weren't literate enough to help with homework, were too afraid to attend school events, but the most damaging bit was that they didn't understand that there was more to parenting than providing food and shelter. They had no capacity at all to meet my needs, I think I was often left waiting for food as a baby and small child because my mother was feeding the men (we lived with my grandfather, great-uncle and uncle), and I had to bring myself up. I'm still dealing with the consequences.

Which is not to play 'poor me Olympics' but if you felt loved and listened to, that's not nothing. Therapy might help you talk through your feelings? It's helped me.

I don't think in any of the things you say your mum was neglectful. In fact the opposite. So what she took speIf that is the onlyonly criticism you can think of have has a blessed childhood. She was a teenage mum who seemingly gave you everything she could.

It sounds complicated. You present it like your mum did a wonderful job despite addiction but it’s rare that parents with addiction issues are able to be fully emotionally present for their children. I wonder if your anger is more about this stuff - did she ‘see you’ when you were angry, upset or scared? I can imagine if she didn’t but you were well cared for practically and she has now changed, that you may struggle to let yourself feel the anger or hurt you may have felt as a child.

My childhood was emotionally neglectful in some ways but I didn’t really realise that until I had my own children, and was angry for a few years at the way my mum was, the bits she couldn’t do for me. I feel I’ve passed through it now as I can see, she’s just human and limited. I too used to feel guilty for being angry at her, because she was limited and doing her best. But as a child you just need your parents to meet every need and it’s ok to struggle where they didn’t.

My mind boggles at your definition of a “neglectful” childhood.

Despite her drug taking she made sure you were both loved and looked after , gave you a nice environment and kept you both away from scummy men and situations . Ok some dodgy stuff went down but I think she did a bloody good job when you consider what your life could have been like . Count yourself lucky.

By some miracle, despite being an addict, it sounds like your mum managed not to give you a neglectful childhood. I mean honestly, do you really think lots of women in her position do not have unsuitable men around their kids because they’re not upstanding citizens - I mean come on? I’m not saying you don’t have a lot to process by the way, it sounds like a massive head fuck.

I think it’s natural to feel uneasy about the fact that you loved someone whose true personality wasn’t how they acted at the time. It’s like falling for a con artist and I hope that you don’t feel embarrassment that you didn’t know sooner because her behaviour is all on her. It’s like having to get to know a new person because you don’t know how much of her old actions were her honest feelings.

As an adult you’ll be thinking of the people who were victims of her behaviour eg the people whose gifts were stolen and who may not have been able to replace the items.

She was 100% correct not to have a man living in your home. That was fantastic mum behaviour and I’m pleased that she stuck to that one. Realistically she was never going to meet a decent man while on drugs and even though she was awake all of the time, she couldn’t really keep you safe.

I’m glad that she’s quit drugs and living a high risk life. Yanbu to wish she’d done it earlier but she’s done well to sort out her life from problems that many never overcome. 2 kids by age 16 must have been tough. Were her parents supportive ?

Sounds like she did a better job parenting while off her face than most of us do sober and working TBF.

@TheYearOfSmallThings this comment and some of the others on here are very unfair on op and suggest a poor understanding of addiction. Yes her mum ensured they were fed, went to school and got presents at Christmas. But living with an addict means you never know how someone is going to behave (see the comment on cleaning on speed) or which version of the person you're going to see after school or in the morning when you wake up. It takes away both the security and the emotional connection most of us expect from our parents. It must have been a frightening and unpredictable upbringing in many ways.

To suggest this mum was a better parent than most of us is so dismissive and unkind.

As others have said, it wasn't that she neglected you on a physical level but as an adult you have realised that she was not there for you on a deeper emotional level. I would say my own childhood was happy and my parents cared for me but I had a lot of freedom as a teenager. I thought it was great at the time but in hindsight I realise it was because my mother was constantly running after my emotionally unavailable (to her) father and her energy went on that. They split up when I was in my early 20s.

When you talk about your childhood it sounds a bit fairytale and not real so I wonder if you and your sister knew it wasn’t quite right but pretended that it was amazing to get through it. Now you are an adult, the scales are falling a bit and you are seeing your mum as a whole person.

To have well raised two girls to adulthood as a teenage mum in care is an outstanding achievement and I imagine the drug use was to cope with everything that had come before you and wasn’t related to you and your sister. Only you know if you can have some honest conversations with your mum and if you and her are ready to hear what would come of those. I’d really consider counselling for yourself to talk through your childhood and your current relationship with your mum.

Realised at 42 what bastard my parents really were.
Lazy, absent, emotionally abusive, taking their own frustrations on me.
Silent generation, another country.
Very little of that matters now.