Anyone else have a neglectful childhood and didn't realise

[anyoneelsefeelthis123]

*My mum had me at 15 and my sister a year later. Anyone else have a neglectful childhood but didn’t really know until you were an older teen? These are some examples that I didn’t realise until I was an older teen age.

My mum would
Take me and my sister to the park every day rain, wind or shine and we would love it and get to play for ages. But she would meet some friends and it wasn’t until I was older I realised it was because she was picking up and using drugs while we played and were non the wiser

Our house was always spotless and I mean spotless and smelled amazing … because my mum would be high on speed and clean like a maniac

We had loads of beautiful gifts for birthdays and Christmas because they were all stolen and my mum would buy them off people who had stolen them

My mum came to every school and out of school event and was really sociable and didn’t work because she wanted to be with us she said but it was because she was always high or drunk and couldn’t get a job or hold down a job

My mum threw the best parties for us as kids and would let us have loads of friends over to sleep and she would do lots of games and food. All because she was off her face

We were never late for school or had untidy uninform as she would iron ours ever morning . Because she hadn’t even gone to bed yet because she’d been up all night on some sort of drug

She never had a boyfriend because she said she wanted to just spend all her time with us but it was because she new the men that she was around we’re not upstanding citizens

She always cooked home made meals every day but that was because when she was cooking was a short period of the day where she wouldn’t be taking drugs or drinking

She would take us out on the bus/train to all different days out again it was all so she could meet with friends or a new dealer or get stolen gifts off other people

I guess I’m writing this because she early 40s now and has completely changed. 5 years ago she started her own cleaning business which has grown a little bit and met her new partner when he contacted her asking if she could help clean his neighbours home as she is elderly and they got chatting. He’s a lovely man who has worked in the trades all his life. He doesn’t do drugs ever and only drinks at special occasions. He’s a few years older and his children are similar age to me and they are wonderful people who have/are doing well in life. My mum no longer does any drugs and doesn’t drink at all and has learnt to drive now she’s sober. So why the hell am I mad at her? Is it because she couldn’t change for me and my sister but did it for a man? Or is it because I actually liked her more before when she was always the life and sole and feel I’ve lost my real mum. Anyone else been in a similar situation? I feel guilty for these feelings *

Are you sure your mum was an addict? She fed you, you lived in a clean home, she gave you toys, her time and she organised playdates/parties for you..

J did work with addict patients and most of them can do 1/4 of all this.

I don't think you really understand what is neglect.

It’s like those posters have been fooled by the nice description in the first post, just like every other adult in her life then was fooled by her mum - immaculate house, chikdren dressed, fed etc… so nothing bad was going on there wasn’t there?

Does a good childhood involves broken bones or injuries requiring stiches being left for days because the mum was too high with drugs/partying?

It’s worrying considering most are likely parents, i mean do they do this sort of stuff too and think it’s ok?

there was a poster a while back who got pissed when her 6 year old was home and they were being babysat by her long term partner and she got flamed and called neglectful but yet a single mum doing hard drugs around 2 young children regularly perfectly fine.

ive noticed a vile trend on MN to minimise child abuse and neglect. Saw another thread of a woman who was a victim of child sex abuse asking if there were any benefits to help her with therapy because the flashbacks had become debilitating and she was roasted, told to no be a burden, to grow up and stop thinking about it. Ironic for a forum that touts ‘safe guarding is everyone’s concern’

Please don’t have children

do you mean it was emotional abuse? I’m sorry that sounds awful and is the kind of thing nobody would expect.

nobody on here knows anything other than what you write. In your first post, it sounded like your mum did great - now this. Just find a therapist instead of drip feeding on the internet.

Hey @anyoneelsefeelthis123 Complicated shit innit, people can find it hard to understand and then you feel whiny or stupid for feeling it. For what it’s worth I think you explained yourself well and neglect was the right word to choose, it has many forms. I think it would be good to get into this with someone who can help you work it through safely and respectfully. You deserve it, its time for someone to put you in the centre of the conversation.

No I don’t think you do. Words matter so we should choose them wisely. Nor do I think you understand addiction, there are many many habitual drug users that function. Most of the addicts can’t do a 1/4 of this, well, evidently some can and some do.

your comment isn’t helpful or kind

How did using illegal drugs in a park with druggie mates whilst you’re responsible for your kids sound great. How?!

Apologies, some how I managed to miss the big update post. My response was based on the replies before the update including broken bones etc. I've reported my comment.

Yeah this is why I posted the comment I did. The original post sounded idyllic, the update was quite drip feedery.

She mentioned in the OP her mum used to take her to the park to do drugs…. Worrying you don’t consider that neglect

I don’t know whether to hope that the OP is still reading these posts of it would be better that she has logged off. If you are reading OP, there are quite a few of us who read your first post and like the mental health nurse said, were waiting for the other shoe to drop. Its really hard to feel the bad things and then to say them out loud, you minimise and sugar coat because it feels disloyal to lay it out truthfully.

This does put a different spin on it. That is absolutely neglect.

Definitely sounds like you need to talk it out with a therapist. There are probably lots of little moments in your life that shaped you but you hardly remember.

If your mother was in care she probably had a very difficult childhood and didn't know what normal looked like. She sounds great in loads of ways but in other ways it sounds terrible.

Hi OP, my story is quite different but so similar too. I thought I had a great childhood and only now (at 40yo) really learning that I didn't. My mum passed away a number of years ago now but I remember being quite angry with her throughout my life - but I never understood why.

I've recently discovered something very traumatic that she experienced before i was born. Practically she was perfect but emotionally I think her trauma meant she just couldn't care for me properly on an emotional level. If you never get something you don't really know you miss it but I think I always knew on some level that something wasn't right.

I think she did her very best but ultimately I was emotionally neglected - I've been in therapy for a few years now and only just starting to realise and maybe understand it a little. I repressed/suppressed (not sure which) my memories and my anger to the point of making myself seriously ill. If you have anger - find a way to not push it away if you can - therapy can be great but not always easy to access.

Sorry this is a bit rambly - this is all quite raw for me. But I definitely can relate to the part about not realising...

No I personally don't see that as neglect as i felt it was implied in the OP that the children were still being watched. If the mother was still able to look after her children, as it seemed in the OP then I wouldn't call it neglect.

Please @Cucumber1234, stop.

It’s difficult for you OP because you feel neglected and that needs addressing. You ask Is it because she couldn’t change for me and my sister but did it for a man?

I don’t know if that why you feel the way you do, but I suggest that she didn’t do it then because she was a teenage mum and now she’s a mature woman.

Why was she a teenage mum and why was she a drug addict at 15?

Whilst she was high?! You can’t look after children whilst you’re high. Who were they being watched by? People off their faces?! In the event of an emergency how would the mother drive the children to a hospital? Or react appropriately?

if you think that’s ok, then wow. Biting my tongue not to say something very cutting. It is a clear safeguarding concern and something social services would intervene over (right so)

She feels neglected because she was- bit gaslighty there.

its not OPs job to answer her mothers life choices or speak to her mothers history or rationalise it.

It takes a lot to heal from neglect of any kind. That's why they call it generational trauma- the pain of a poor upbringing tainting future generations. From your description your mum was a 16 year old care leaver with no qualifications and no framework to model "good" parenting from. She obviously made a massive number of mistakes and your experience was not good. BUT... it sounds like she tried. It sounds like you were loved. It sounds like she did her best despite not having anything to model herself on or any support.

I read your post. You write well, you're articulate, you're emotionally aware. You're already so much better than your mother was- and how much of this is because she did a better job than her parents or caregivers. I don't know if you have kids but I'm certain you'll be a much better parent than she was. This is how generational trauma gets resolved- with grace, understanding and compassion. You sound remarkable and you should be so proud of yourself.

Well it depends on what kind of drugs really and how much etc. Social services don't get involved for a bit of weed.

She sounds like she was the best Mum she could be in the circumstances. She didn’t have any role models but she did what she knew to give you the best she could with the resources she had.