Anyone else have a neglectful childhood and didn't realise

[anyoneelsefeelthis123]

*My mum had me at 15 and my sister a year later. Anyone else have a neglectful childhood but didn’t really know until you were an older teen? These are some examples that I didn’t realise until I was an older teen age.

My mum would
Take me and my sister to the park every day rain, wind or shine and we would love it and get to play for ages. But she would meet some friends and it wasn’t until I was older I realised it was because she was picking up and using drugs while we played and were non the wiser

Our house was always spotless and I mean spotless and smelled amazing … because my mum would be high on speed and clean like a maniac

We had loads of beautiful gifts for birthdays and Christmas because they were all stolen and my mum would buy them off people who had stolen them

My mum came to every school and out of school event and was really sociable and didn’t work because she wanted to be with us she said but it was because she was always high or drunk and couldn’t get a job or hold down a job

My mum threw the best parties for us as kids and would let us have loads of friends over to sleep and she would do lots of games and food. All because she was off her face

We were never late for school or had untidy uninform as she would iron ours ever morning . Because she hadn’t even gone to bed yet because she’d been up all night on some sort of drug

She never had a boyfriend because she said she wanted to just spend all her time with us but it was because she new the men that she was around we’re not upstanding citizens

She always cooked home made meals every day but that was because when she was cooking was a short period of the day where she wouldn’t be taking drugs or drinking

She would take us out on the bus/train to all different days out again it was all so she could meet with friends or a new dealer or get stolen gifts off other people

I guess I’m writing this because she early 40s now and has completely changed. 5 years ago she started her own cleaning business which has grown a little bit and met her new partner when he contacted her asking if she could help clean his neighbours home as she is elderly and they got chatting. He’s a lovely man who has worked in the trades all his life. He doesn’t do drugs ever and only drinks at special occasions. He’s a few years older and his children are similar age to me and they are wonderful people who have/are doing well in life. My mum no longer does any drugs and doesn’t drink at all and has learnt to drive now she’s sober. So why the hell am I mad at her? Is it because she couldn’t change for me and my sister but did it for a man? Or is it because I actually liked her more before when she was always the life and sole and feel I’ve lost my real mum. Anyone else been in a similar situation? I feel guilty for these feelings *

It just sounded {from the first post} so 'alien' from the classic addict homes.

Agree- it's very tough on children who have addict parents.

I agree with the comments that mention your rose tinted view of some of your mums actions. You must have found it difficult to appreciate you were being neglected in spite of having clean clothes and things bought for you. Your contrasting posts show the huge complex trauma you must have suffered.

i had a mother who cared for me, loved me, wanted the best for me, and yet my childhood was so difficult it’s given me years of therapy and mental health issues. She was a narcissist and I wasn’t allowed to grow independently and it was abusive as I aged. It’s left complex scars. I now understand she didn’t care for me, love me or want the best for me in a way that a child needs. But she was living out the trauma of her childhood. Now I need to break the cycle.

Your mum loved you and your sister. She loved drugs more. And now you don’t need her, she doesn’t need the drugs? It’s ok to be cross (understatement!)

therapy will help.

I think it comes down to figuring out whether a parent did the best they could or whether they really didn’t. I have experience of both from the same parent. There were times where she really did do the best she could and there were times where she put herself first to the point it was unforgivable. I can forgive anything if the parent is trying but when they’re not it’s awful and I think it comes down to figuring out if she did her best or didn’t. My mum made up for it in later years - I was furious, red mist rage with her after I became a mother myself but she kept showing up and fighting to be in my life and proved herself and I forgave her - I loved her and I miss her so much. But - had she not done that - I couldn’t have got past that. People often say your parents did the best they could and it’s not always true - just for me from my experience it was trying to figure it if it was true or not with my mum. It’s really hard OP

Your mum sounds like me when I had my eldest at 15 and struggled with addiction the only difference is these days mental health and support is a lot more recognised so I got diagnosed and supported. Your talking 25 years ago when your mum was dealing with this stuff it was a very different time. It sounds like she was a child trying her best and has really turned her life around. You are entitled to feel how you feel but maybe see it from her side to

But it’s not a case of it being worse for you (it was bad fr me too btw) so it’s ok for OP. That’s a bit like the posts where somone says their ex pays £20 a month in child support and someone says you’re lucky I only get £5.

I agree that therapy would be really helpful for you, this is a very complex situation. From an outsider perspective I have sympathy for both you and the child your mum was when she became a parent. But your perspective is rightly that of the child who was affected by her behaviour. Her bring clean now and seemingly having a different personality is all part of this. She probably HAS changed hugely as a person, which will leave you feeling even more un-moored and not sure whats going on.

The thing is, seeing things from her pov isn’t going to help the OP just now.

The OP is just realising how bad things were then. She is realising that actually her mum CAN get over her drug addiction, have a normal life etc… but she didn’t when she was at her most vulnerable. I think it’s fair enough to be hurt by the injustice and wonder ‘what if she had tried more?’

A personal experience of ‘seeing things from their pov’ is that I simply buried my own feelings to protect the parent ‘whom tried their best’.
Instead of acknowledging the impact of what happened, the hurt I felt, I ignored it.
Thats not helpful, believe me. Hurt agd trauma always finds a way to make themselves known

Of course you're angry. Your mum was doing drugs. She wasn't the stable, sober presence a child needs and deserves. You're mourning the childhood you wanted/thought you had.

Of course your mum has done a good job to go sober and improve her life, but it doesn't make you selfish to feel resentment. Therapy would help I think.

I think your insight into your situation is amazing OP, it’s really brought some stuff of interest up for me too when you talk about losing your ‘real mum’ and that she couldn’t do it for you. It’s so hard to know. Maybe she couldn’t do it for her until a point, I don’t know? Maybe this ‘new her’ maybe you feel like it’s fraudulent or an act that won’t last or maybe you miss her as it’s easy to get addicted to the buzz of being around someone like that. I don’t have the answers but you’ve asked amazing questions.

So taking drugs around kids is a ok? Come on.

imagine if a poster came on here and said they did that, they’d be flamed and yet you’re here saying it’s not neglect when it absolutely is, that’s gaslighting

Did she stories come from her? Or someone else? Perhaps she lived with alot of guilt, knowing it was wrong but stuck in a cycle.
You must be around mid 20's now, so have woken up to some of the realities. She changed for the better, which takes alot of strength and courage.

Instead of looking back and picking apart this and that, maybe just accept you were happy and quite frankly that's all that mattered.

You see a different side to her now, the real her , what a blessing you have a chance really get to know her properly. 🙂

I had a very normal childhood and thought I did until I had my own children. My parents put a roof over our heads, always had food etc. What we lacked was emotional support and I still do now. I really struggle that my mum can’t be the mum I want her to be. These amazing supportive parents I see in real life and hear about on MN.

I some times get upset but I have found accepting it is what it is helps the most. She’s never going to change. She will always favour my younger siblings and never apologise. Focus on what you can control OP it helps massively I promise

It sounds as if she really tried her best and loved you and made sure you had what you needed despite the drug and alcohol use. I do imagine though that there was an undercurrent of fear and that you probably felt the ground could shift at any moment and that’s difficult to live with.

@Lubilu02 i didn’t realise that being left with broken bones or a gash on your head requiring stitches was a sign of a ‘happy childhood’

Rather the gushy description in the first post point towards the fact the OP is struggling to look at what happened during her childhood. Like she is struggling now with her mum not being the life of the party when actually it’s simply her being high on drugs.
The OP’s reality was so influenced by drugs that she somehow still sees a drug addict behaviour as the norm and normal.

Thats not a good happy childhood.

This is actually a good point OP how did this additional information come to your attention? Did you remember it or piece it together or did someone tell you?

Its not neglectful if she was functioning ... she was with her kids, they were unaware so nothing obvious , they were well fed and clothed. Of course taking drugs isn't ideal but neither is drinking wine when you have kids and I'm fairly certain most of us have done that while not neglecting their children. She was a teenage mum giving her all, She should be commended not condemned.
The op herself says ahe was unawate of it until she became an adukt so definitely not obvious im any way

Your Mum kept you safe, clean and fed, despite her addictions and demons. She is probably still figuring out now who she is as an adult. Her brain may be a little damaged/altered from all the drugs and alcohol, and she may be prone to depression and anxiety etc. As you are now an adult, if I was in your shoes, I would be thinking about things I could do to support her and bring some happiness and fun to her life (legally!) Hope you’ve told her how proud you are of her for getting clean.

You're right, I missed that particular post.

I had a miserable chaotic childhood, that affected me in many ways as a child.
Forgive me for beliving that there are times when ignorance is bliss, especially as a child.

Let's be honest, there is no such thing as the perfect childhood. The point I was trying to make is that it can't be changed, but how you feel about it can like by looking forward and making things 'right' in any way you can.

It's just my perspective, we are all going to have different ones.

I am struggling to see where the Mother was neglectful, considering she was always on drugs, or something else, according to the OP.

She's early 40s now so sounds like she started to straighten out her life when you girls were in your early 20s. Probably the first time she had the space and maturity to really look at her life and go oh fuck! I'm gonna be dead before they're 30.
Young pregnancy to avoid an awful life speaks volumes and despite not being a good Mom, ot does sound like she tried her best, she just couldn't cope without substances and that brought with it a lifestyle that meant she got to be the fun Mom she never had.

Does she now want to be your Mom Vs your fun friend? You said you've got to get to know her again, but she also had to get to know you, because she's getting a fresh look. Would she consider family therapy, the three of you?

Sorry am I missing something? ... You had a spotless home, got to play out every day, had homecooked meals, clean clothes, never late for school, great gifts, didn't have dodgy men around..... I don't consider that neglect. She seemed to do amazing depite a shit start to her own life and unhealthy habits. On contrast, my mother never cleaned, I was always late or absent from school, didn't have clean clothes or even ones that fit, I had to scavenge for my own food out of stale cereal boxes. Wow parents cannot win can they

Ate you actually serious?. Sounds like she was a god mum. Who is telling you qbout her brunk and taking drugs?. If she was drunk and taking drugs and still did all that then she must have been some sort of super woman!!

My dad was violent and abusive but I didn’t realise until I was a parent myself that my mum was neglectful. After divorcing, she just wasn’t interested in me at all and did the absolute bare minimum. At 16, she started leaving the local paper out with flat shares circled for me.

Weirdly, she was a very good grandparent (though long distance so not very often) but now in old age, with dementia, she’s not interested in anything but herself at all. Very hard on my stepdad.

I think the people saying that it wasn’t neglectful have limited experience of being around addicts. Even addicts who are doing their best and protecting their children as much as possible from the fall out of their addiction are going to be impacting their child in some way - addiction skews your priorities whether it’s for particular moments each day or for longer periods.

And that’s not meant to be judgmental. I’m not an addict but caring responsibilities meant that at times my younger children were in dangerous situations which were safeguarded at the time (I was not found as fault - I asked for a safeguarding to be put in - but the potential damage to the children was recognised). I can see that despite lack of choice/impossible situation that will have impacted on my children and they may be angry about it.

Your mum sounds like she did really well, especially given her age and addiction. And it sounds like she has turned her life around. I suspect as another poster said some of the changes you struggle with are just due to her being older. I’m a very different person than I was in my teens.

However, you can recognise where she has done well and still be angry with her, that is allowed and her addiction probably did impact on you in all sorts of ways. I am very close to an addict who is a very good parent but the addiction definitely impacts on this persons child - even though there is a strong family around who provide a lot of protection. It doesn’t mean the addiction causes no damage.

i haven’t read the whole thread but therapy would probably be helpful - choose someone who is experienced with addiction. The therapist I see used to be an addict/has worked in addiction for a long time and I need her understanding of addiction when I am discussing the person above. She has been incredibly helpful tbh.

I think the dcs were fully aware of her taking drugs.

Not the least because of the all weekends parties that were going on. However, because that’s the only thing they ever knew (and there wasn’t another parent to ‘show’ them what normal could look like), they assumed that’s what life was.
I mean how could you not know your mum was up all night for example?