Anyone else have a neglectful childhood and didn't realise

[anyoneelsefeelthis123]

*My mum had me at 15 and my sister a year later. Anyone else have a neglectful childhood but didn’t really know until you were an older teen? These are some examples that I didn’t realise until I was an older teen age.

My mum would
Take me and my sister to the park every day rain, wind or shine and we would love it and get to play for ages. But she would meet some friends and it wasn’t until I was older I realised it was because she was picking up and using drugs while we played and were non the wiser

Our house was always spotless and I mean spotless and smelled amazing … because my mum would be high on speed and clean like a maniac

We had loads of beautiful gifts for birthdays and Christmas because they were all stolen and my mum would buy them off people who had stolen them

My mum came to every school and out of school event and was really sociable and didn’t work because she wanted to be with us she said but it was because she was always high or drunk and couldn’t get a job or hold down a job

My mum threw the best parties for us as kids and would let us have loads of friends over to sleep and she would do lots of games and food. All because she was off her face

We were never late for school or had untidy uninform as she would iron ours ever morning . Because she hadn’t even gone to bed yet because she’d been up all night on some sort of drug

She never had a boyfriend because she said she wanted to just spend all her time with us but it was because she new the men that she was around we’re not upstanding citizens

She always cooked home made meals every day but that was because when she was cooking was a short period of the day where she wouldn’t be taking drugs or drinking

She would take us out on the bus/train to all different days out again it was all so she could meet with friends or a new dealer or get stolen gifts off other people

I guess I’m writing this because she early 40s now and has completely changed. 5 years ago she started her own cleaning business which has grown a little bit and met her new partner when he contacted her asking if she could help clean his neighbours home as she is elderly and they got chatting. He’s a lovely man who has worked in the trades all his life. He doesn’t do drugs ever and only drinks at special occasions. He’s a few years older and his children are similar age to me and they are wonderful people who have/are doing well in life. My mum no longer does any drugs and doesn’t drink at all and has learnt to drive now she’s sober. So why the hell am I mad at her? Is it because she couldn’t change for me and my sister but did it for a man? Or is it because I actually liked her more before when she was always the life and sole and feel I’ve lost my real mum. Anyone else been in a similar situation? I feel guilty for these feelings *

Think they might if it was being done around kids regularly and OP mentions in her OP speed. The risk is still there with ‘a bit of weed’ how would she get them to a hospital, she’d be high and unable to drive

Same as any parent that doesnt/can't drive? Taxi, bus, friends, family, ambulance.

But that was the question the OP was asking. Is that your answer to her? I don’t think you understand what gaslighting is.

Yes, emotional for the main part (narcissistic parent) plus non-obvious physical neglect (not supervised cleaning teeth from very young age, poor diet because we had unsupervised access to large amounts of biscuits, crisps, sweets etc, home alone from an early age).

Yes I do, and it’s a common tactic with those who gaslight to use ‘feel’ I.e. when offering an ‘apology’ it will be ‘sorry you feel offended’ rather than ‘sorry that I offended you’

and if they weren’t Available there and then? And that’s if the mother, high on drugs, could recognise the urgency/ immediacy of a situation due to being high on drugs or completely out of it

Well based on the first OP, which is what my replies are based on. Then it certainly seems the mother would be perfectly capable to manage that situation given the large amount of tasks she managed and excelled in.

She went to the park and did drugs with her mates as her children played around. We have no idea what drugs they were, it could’ve been weed but it could equally be heroin.

she’d clean the house whilst high on speed.

you’re right, that’s excelling 😳

I’m not sure if we should continue with this thread. A bit of back and forth is one thing but I am worrying this could be quite harmful.

Well considering her mum was able to host parties and sleepovers with lots of other children and provide/cook food and play and host party games all whilst being "off her face" it's seems that she was quite functional whilst under the influence. Again. Based only on her OP.

Dear OP: you are grieving the mother you never had and coming to terms with the real one. It's perfectly normal (and healthy!) to feel how you feel. And it's perfectly compatible with loving her and being happy for the changes she's made.

@Cucumber1234 It’s not just about her first post though is it. She provided more information, which happens in conversations, particularly when you realise that you maybe haven’t explained yourself very well at the start. I think you are being quite cruel.

The comment I was replying to expressed that I was commenting on the first post as I hadn't seen the updated version. I was asked about what I had responded to. Not the rest. Which is why I was trying to explain myself.

However you are correct in that I should step away.

Op, I think your best bet is therapy.

I apologise for saying cruel @Cucumber1234. We can get caught up in the forum blather (well I can) and forget sometimes there’s a real person in here. This one has just touched a nerve for me is all.

My mother decided to become a speed addict after she had 3 children, in her late 20's. We lived in filth and were neglected so your mother sounds good to me. She was incredibly young and was trying to cope. She had her vices but still tried to be a good parent, mine didn't.

It sounds like even though she had substance abuse issues, she still did her best to take care of you and your sister. Despite having had a terrible childhood herself and becoming a mother when she was still a child. She loved you enough to keep you both clean and well fed, you had presents and parties and she made sure you went to school. She's now managed to get herself clean, build her own business and is in a healthy relationship. She sounds like a pretty remarkable woman. Maybe therapy would help you explore your feelings of anger towards her?

Please read the OP’s further posts on page 2

OP people here are so naive.

I know exactly the childhood you had. I've seen it up close.

It was neglect. You are right to use that word.

Perhaps your mother used the drugs to keep her going due to the usual lack of support. Being a single parent can be brutal to mind, body and spirit.
It's easy to judge a drink or drug-taking mother, but often it's desperation to somehow keep going and not a sign that she's a bad person.

This is true @Lovageandgeraniums I have a great deal of sympathy for mum too. Someone above talked about generational trauma and mum seems to have done a lot better than many given what was passed to her.

But the OP also needs to be listened to about her experiences, it’s her turn to speak about generational trauma and it’s lasting impact. It’s a complicated time when you are a parent and your mum is older. Particularly as mum has changed in so many ways and this is a really common time for this to bubble up.

I think OP knew even when she was very little that mum was fragile and probably took on some care responsibilities that she hasn’t shook off yet. For example by making sure everyone knows that mum did many good things even tho there were all those barriers. OP started by telling us a bunch of lovely things, just slipping in a bit of the darkness.

Her first post could've just said ‘there were strange people in the house every weekend off their faces, we hid when the doorbell went, my sister had injuries that weren’t attended to, I think she paid for the TV with sex while we were in the other room, she would be laid out for days with withdrawals’. She didn’t tho, she told us first about presents, the clean house, the vivacious chatter at school events.

I think we should put the OP in the centre of the conversation this time. It’s her turn to be heard.

x.com/theholisticpsyc/status/1844812658639253522?s=46

This really resonated with me.

@iamnotperfect Every word of that is true. That woman knows.

The best mum she could be would have been trying to deal with her addiction and get off the drugs, so I don't agree.

It's still neglectful. I grew up with a parent who took drugs and it was fucking horrible. Being a single parent doesn't give you a pass. I'm not saying drug users are inherently bad people but there is an element of selfishness and they can't make good decisions.

Yes, there is a lot of minimising on this thread that is reaching into the territory of gaslighting the OP.

The point is that addiction is an inherently high risk situation to be in. The substance is going to be the number one priority unfortunately, and I don't know how anyone can sit there and say that being alternately high and coming down, for an entire childhood, is good parenting and putting your children first.

I have been through this as close to first hand as can be without it being me, and this person was not on the party scene, they were very much struggling to cope. But they recognised they could not be a good and functioning parent and took the steps needed to get help and support, and get sober.

In fairness, I do understand that there are systemic issues and stigmas around addiction, and fear too, especially for parents and especially for parents in your mums circumstances. I still don't think that anyone should dismiss and minimise experiences of children of parents with substance abuse issues.