Anyone else have a neglectful childhood and didn't realise

[anyoneelsefeelthis123]

*My mum had me at 15 and my sister a year later. Anyone else have a neglectful childhood but didn’t really know until you were an older teen? These are some examples that I didn’t realise until I was an older teen age.

My mum would
Take me and my sister to the park every day rain, wind or shine and we would love it and get to play for ages. But she would meet some friends and it wasn’t until I was older I realised it was because she was picking up and using drugs while we played and were non the wiser

Our house was always spotless and I mean spotless and smelled amazing … because my mum would be high on speed and clean like a maniac

We had loads of beautiful gifts for birthdays and Christmas because they were all stolen and my mum would buy them off people who had stolen them

My mum came to every school and out of school event and was really sociable and didn’t work because she wanted to be with us she said but it was because she was always high or drunk and couldn’t get a job or hold down a job

My mum threw the best parties for us as kids and would let us have loads of friends over to sleep and she would do lots of games and food. All because she was off her face

We were never late for school or had untidy uninform as she would iron ours ever morning . Because she hadn’t even gone to bed yet because she’d been up all night on some sort of drug

She never had a boyfriend because she said she wanted to just spend all her time with us but it was because she new the men that she was around we’re not upstanding citizens

She always cooked home made meals every day but that was because when she was cooking was a short period of the day where she wouldn’t be taking drugs or drinking

She would take us out on the bus/train to all different days out again it was all so she could meet with friends or a new dealer or get stolen gifts off other people

I guess I’m writing this because she early 40s now and has completely changed. 5 years ago she started her own cleaning business which has grown a little bit and met her new partner when he contacted her asking if she could help clean his neighbours home as she is elderly and they got chatting. He’s a lovely man who has worked in the trades all his life. He doesn’t do drugs ever and only drinks at special occasions. He’s a few years older and his children are similar age to me and they are wonderful people who have/are doing well in life. My mum no longer does any drugs and doesn’t drink at all and has learnt to drive now she’s sober. So why the hell am I mad at her? Is it because she couldn’t change for me and my sister but did it for a man? Or is it because I actually liked her more before when she was always the life and sole and feel I’ve lost my real mum. Anyone else been in a similar situation? I feel guilty for these feelings *

This is what I was going to say.

Therapy sounds like a good idea OP. I’m not saying you’re wrong but she seems to have had her shit together and to have looked after you well - park all the time, home cooked meals, clean clothes, never late for school.

Doesn’t sound like a drug addict. Maybe she didn’t use as much as you think? I don’t see how she could have done all that and been on drugs.

You haven’t read past the opening post have you @Delatron ?

@anyoneelsefeelthis123

OP my best friend was 'you' growing up. I remember seeing her Mum drop her off for the weekend holding what must have been 100s of pounds of crumpled up notes in her fist. At the time it didn't mean anything to me but when I asked my Mum about it as an adult she said it was clear friends Mum was going through some kind of withdrawal.

Again, her Mum ticked a lot of boxes - clean home, cooked food, always clean clothes, homework always done, always had tickets to any shows that came to town. I would say my friend was emotionally neglected and home definitely wasn't a safe space for her (no violence but definitely scary people turning up for money, dodgy men hanging around - I don't think the Mum had good boundaries). She loved coming to our house as she was frequently left alone. As much as her Mum did I don't think she felt like she was important in her life. I wonder if it was the same for you.

I know how much being a Mum has changed me. I would do anything for my kids. You clearly love your Mum and I think it is totally understandable if you feel sad for her or angry that she wasn't able to change. Remember you were the child.

That does not sound neglectful at all, she done her best to provide you with a good childhood, she's a rare drug user who gave their kids that lifestyle, most end up in care.

What was neglectful in your list?

Read beyond the opening post

Quick question, can you read?

she did drugs around young children in the park. Was often high on speed. Left children without appropriate medical care in order to party. Pick one any one, all neglect and safeguarding risks

Read beyond the opening post and get back to us

Read the update. And drug taking around your kids is always neglectful.

Does anyone know if the moderators can pin the OP’s update/s to the opening post? This is horrible, all these people coming in going ‘aw, yr mum was lovely, you had a clean house and birthday presents’. It’s really harmful.

Yes, some of the people telling OP it wasn't neglectful sound like they're on drugs too.

Surely the relevant info should be in the opening post.

Truly neglectful mothers don’t iron uniforms, go to every school performance and throw brilliant parties. Whilst admittedly she wasn’t Mary Poppins and she had her demons, it sounds you had good memories too.

@RedHelenB surely this is a forum where after an opening post there is a discussion and the OP engages and provides more information or perspective?

How about neglecting to attend to a child’s head injury, sex work in the next room, a child’s home being filled with off their face randos at the weekend. That tip the balance for ya?

Thank you to all those who have *taken a look from my perspective and not just jumped on me. I’ve read all the comments and haven’t been able to face replying thinking I’m some kind of evil monster who is tearing my poor young mother apart.

I’ve spoke with my sister in tears and she said this is what I’ve always done. I’ve always minimised my mums actions, always made excuses for her to protect her and my sister. My sister said how when our mum would put me and my sister in the bath even when my sister was 3 years old she would leave the house to get drugs/alcohol and the water would be freezing before she returned I’d be telling my sister this was a fun game and we were mermaids or on a ship etc.

She reminded me of one of the times our mum was knocked out on the sofa I tried waking her to tell her the kitchen was on fire as she must have forgotten she’s left something on the cooker(easily done drugs/alcohol or not) and she wouldn’t wake up when she eventually did the firemen were carrying her out and the house filled with smoke and I told my sister that mum wasn’t coming out of the house until the firemen came because she was trying to put the fire out herself, making her the hero.

My sister also brought up how she would leave us with “aunties” for a few days at a time without explanation. We didn’t have any aunties related to us.

She also talked about the tent days where my mum would put a tent in the living room and the three of us would lie down with lots of pillows and just eat crap all day and watch tv while she slept.

Some posters have said the drug taking wasn’t that bad and maybe it wasn’t but she took/did class As every day. Perhaps she functioned because she would be up all night and sleep all day while we were at school. We were never late for school but we would all walk together to and from school from early as Reception with the other kids from the street.

I’m sorry if I e upset people who were neglected and I know my mum did her best I’ve never disputed that. I think it’s best I ask mumsnet to remove this thread as me and my sister are probably just over dramatic and should accept that our childhood was not neglectful. Feel like such an idiot looking for support *

Guarantee they're from people who have never had an addict for a parent either and haven't got a bloody clue.

@anyoneelsefeelthis123 i hope you hadn’t planned to go out this evening because there’s a long line of women here queuing to give you a proper big hug. It’s going to take some time.

It’s OK to love your mum. It’s OK to keep listing to that wee girl inside all the things that proved that your mum loved you too. We all here have sympathy for what your mum was battling with. All these things can be true as well as saying you were neglected, that has influenced how your are now and that it is a very good idea to look at that some more to see if there are some harms that you can now fix or set aside.

You are absolutely definitely not an idiot. Never use that word against yourself again. I won’t stand for it!

I'm so fucking sorry OP. Please don't listen to the comments, they are ignorant (not in an insulting way, literally ignorant of this reality) and as many do, you have minimised and romanticised your childhood and focused on the good bits. You are truly not alone and it's not your fault x

So your mum cooked meals, sent you to school clean and fed and took you out places and to the park? No. I don’t think you were neglected. I don’t mean that to sound harsh but your adult self has contextualised an experience. It sounds like your mum, despite some dire circumstances, did everything to put you first.

This. 🤷‍♀️

You are so very very wrong. You speak from a place of complete ignorance. If you had even the manners to read just read one more page before gracing us with your opinion you might have learned just enough to give that opinion even the tiniest of weight.

Ah, OK, have you managed to get by without spending days vomiting while your children had to care themselves downstairs as well then? Safe as long as they didn’t let the man at the door know they were there. Oh, and paid your bills with sex work in the dining room, mind you we’ve all done that eh, no-body’s a perfect mum.

OP you have upset no one, my mum also neglected (and abused) me but according to this thread she’d be mother of the year because we went to Disney world and lived in a 5 bed house. Neglect can look like different things, my mum never took my to the dentist or doctors, made me carry her Xmas shopping around town with 3 broken fingers. She refused to get my treatment for my eating disorder that left me at 93lbs and bruised when i sat down. Not all neglect is a child left in soiled clothes rummaging in the dustbin for food.

the posters on this thread of who have minimised what you’ve been through have not only embarrassed themselves but outed them selves as terrible parents.

No, putting your children first means getting clean.