Anyone else have a neglectful childhood and didn't realise

[anyoneelsefeelthis123]

*My mum had me at 15 and my sister a year later. Anyone else have a neglectful childhood but didn’t really know until you were an older teen? These are some examples that I didn’t realise until I was an older teen age.

My mum would
Take me and my sister to the park every day rain, wind or shine and we would love it and get to play for ages. But she would meet some friends and it wasn’t until I was older I realised it was because she was picking up and using drugs while we played and were non the wiser

Our house was always spotless and I mean spotless and smelled amazing … because my mum would be high on speed and clean like a maniac

We had loads of beautiful gifts for birthdays and Christmas because they were all stolen and my mum would buy them off people who had stolen them

My mum came to every school and out of school event and was really sociable and didn’t work because she wanted to be with us she said but it was because she was always high or drunk and couldn’t get a job or hold down a job

My mum threw the best parties for us as kids and would let us have loads of friends over to sleep and she would do lots of games and food. All because she was off her face

We were never late for school or had untidy uninform as she would iron ours ever morning . Because she hadn’t even gone to bed yet because she’d been up all night on some sort of drug

She never had a boyfriend because she said she wanted to just spend all her time with us but it was because she new the men that she was around we’re not upstanding citizens

She always cooked home made meals every day but that was because when she was cooking was a short period of the day where she wouldn’t be taking drugs or drinking

She would take us out on the bus/train to all different days out again it was all so she could meet with friends or a new dealer or get stolen gifts off other people

I guess I’m writing this because she early 40s now and has completely changed. 5 years ago she started her own cleaning business which has grown a little bit and met her new partner when he contacted her asking if she could help clean his neighbours home as she is elderly and they got chatting. He’s a lovely man who has worked in the trades all his life. He doesn’t do drugs ever and only drinks at special occasions. He’s a few years older and his children are similar age to me and they are wonderful people who have/are doing well in life. My mum no longer does any drugs and doesn’t drink at all and has learnt to drive now she’s sober. So why the hell am I mad at her? Is it because she couldn’t change for me and my sister but did it for a man? Or is it because I actually liked her more before when she was always the life and sole and feel I’ve lost my real mum. Anyone else been in a similar situation? I feel guilty for these feelings *

And that would be fine had the OP described an inconsistent and erratic parent but she doesn’t, at all, in fact the mother is described as quite the opposite, as consistently present, providing and prioritising her children.

You knew the personality of your mum on drugs up until 5 years ago- that was not the real her. She’s now clean and her real personality is now showing and that may be a very different person to the mum you knew. It sounds as you are almost grieving the mum that you thought you knew and realising that she wasn’t that person at all.

I really really think that your mum deserves so much praise and credit for what she did for you and your sister. It sounds like despite her own difficulties she tried so hard to give you a happy childhood with what she had and what she knew at the time. It must be really difficult seeing your childhood through your eyes as an adult and realising the involvement of drugs.

It's hard to know from a couple of posts, but are you sure all these good things you mention are due to her drug and alcohol consumption? For example it seems so black and white to say 'all because she was off her face' for this -
My mum threw the best parties for us as kids and would let us have loads of friends over to sleep and she would do lots of games and food. All because she was off her face

and that this was due to drugs:
We were never late for school or had untidy uninform as she would iron ours ever morning . Because she hadn’t even gone to bed yet because she’d been up all night on some sort of drug

@PinkyU how does being unable to hold down a job because of being drunk or high all the time, cleaning the house at warp speed because of being on speed, and throwing amazing parties where she was off her face suggest a consistent parent who always prioritised her children exactly?

Are we saying it's acceptable for parents to be addicts and alcoholics now as long as their young kids don't notice? Because I don't think that's the view of social services.

Your mum gave you a Disney childhood, all the things she thought a child would want in the best way she knew how. It wasn’t neglectful but she was an absent parent emotionally.

she probably didn’t know how to change , she had no clue and no one to show her any better. I think they say addicts don’t emotionally mature past the date they start using, so your mum only started being an adult once she stopped. So yes you will have to get to know her again.

it Very much was not a perfect childhood op and you some counselling would probably help you come to terms with it.

it’s so difficult for teenage parents that have grow up in care. It’s clearly been a long road for her because of her background and parental responsibilities at such an early age. It’s understandable to feel disappointed in your childhood but compassion will carry you through these feelings.

You weren’t neglected at all. It sounds like your mum worked her arse off to give you the best childhood she was capable of. It was never going to be perfect with her having you so young but in your case it actually sounds close to it. The addictions are a seperate issue but it seems like they didn’t impact you growing up.

Sorry I seemed to have upset some people by using the word neglect. I didn't know what else to call it. I gave examples of times when I didn't realise there was drugs and alcohol involved but there were periods of my childhood which weren't great for example

There would be days-weeks where my mum didn't get out of bed as she was withdrawing or she was trying to recover from abad hit. She would just say she was ill, but she would throw up in a bucket and crawl to the bathroom

She would have parties pretty much every weekend from Friday night to Monday morning, music blaring, singing, lots of people in the house, drinking and drugs going on the whole time

If we're were upset about something she would just give us some chocolate or sweets and say all better now

My sister broke her arm falling off a slide on a Friday and she didn't take her to the hospital until Monday because there was a party going on. I also cut my head open on another occasion and she didn't take me to the hospital for days and then it was finally stitched up but she said she didn't think it looked that bad because my hair covered it. You'd think the blood on my pillow would give it away

Random people would knock the door wanting money from her. Some would be from legitimate companies others would just be local random people she obviously owed money to. Were stopped ever answering the door and would hide

She drilled a whole in a coin and tried string to it to use in the tv to keep it working and when the guy would come to collect the money she would take him into the other room for a period of time and then he would leave. So in assuming she was giving my him favours to cover our tv bill

So yes she ticked the boxes as a great mother for being there and doing sun things and making sure we had food and shelter and material things but she probably wasn't the best at being there emotionally for us

OP is looking at this retrospectively as a woman in her late 20s. I guess she’s pregnant now and it’s all come out. But to call it a neglectful childhood when it wasn’t is offensive to those of us who were neglected.

@Ozanj

Sorry twice I've said I shouldn't have used the word neglect. I just didn't know another word that described the ups and downs that went on

It sounds like she did the best she could at the time. Growing up in care will have not given her a framework or role models for parenting and she was probably using drugs as a means of coping. Some of us take a long time to mature. I understand your resentment. You can be pleased for her turning her life around while feeling hurt and let down this happened after you had grown up not when you needed her to be attentive and living a stable life.

My parents were neglectful. I didn’t realise how much, until I grew up and had my own kids. At the time I had nothing to compare it with. I went through a long time feeling angry and resentful until I was in my 40s when I was able to start to see what they were going through, the upbringings they had, and that much of the neglect in my Mums case, was not because she didn’t care, but the result of crippling anxiety, stress and physical illness.

I am sorry your mum was not emotionally available for you and did not have the maturity to realise it.

One point of view I want to give is that she was successful at breaking the cycle in the childhood she gave you. When working in MH, the overwhelming majority of people who came through our doors as a result of her childhood would be bringing up children who end up their carers, do not attend school regularly, not always fed well, poor hygiene etc. And so the cycle continues from their difficult upbringing. By giving you the basics (albeit not being available emotionally), you have happier memories and felt normal as a child.

It sounds very much like you do have it together and have the cognition and capacity to reflect on the positives and the negatives with maturity then seek help in dealing with it. This is a huge positive as you won't be passing down trauma to your children.

Addicts don't change for anyone except themselves. Addiction is far too strong for anything or anyone to change it apart from them wanting to do it themselves.

It's likely she tried to stop many times before but couldn't. It's also possible she's traded one addiction for another that's not as destructive/less obvious.

So I wouldn't see it as suddenly a man came along and fixed everything/she changed for him, because that's not possible. It's possible he was one of many factors, but he will be a small one. She has turned her own life around and that's something to celebrate.

I find your post very interesting, OP, it didn't go where I thought it would.

There are obviously issues there, but it doesn't sound like you were neglected. Far from it.

Drug use aside, I'm impressed at her energy and focus and the fact the house was spotless, you were turned out neatly for school, she took you on days out, had lots of play dates and kids parties.

The standout for me was that she knew she wasn't associating with decent men so she kept them well away from you.

That's so far above and beyond what many mums in similar circumstances do.

How did you and your sister turn out? Did she support you through school etc, encourage you academically? What kind on upbringing did your mum have?

Obviously not ideal doing drugs or drinking, but in the face of it you had the childhood most kids would want and you remember it fondly, she was young, no excuse.
But if you read some posts on here or the news and see how some kids live, I think you've had a pretty good childhood.
Don't be angry at her, maybe at some point talk to her about it, but clearly she never neglected her duties as a mum.
Hope you find your peace with it and your mum.

You cannot compare the behaviour and motivation of a teen to a late 30s woman (when she started her business). She didn't neglect you at all - you say yourself she took you out, she gave you great parties, came to all school events - yes she jay have been high but she was obviously functioning well.
Not many people who had wild days in their youth continue when middle aged! And having kids doesn't automatically mature you - she was still a teen and actually seems to have find an incredible job.
Give her a break and applaud her success!

Obviously using drugs with you and your sister around was dangerous and it could have turned out very differently.

BUT to be fair on your mum it sounds like she did a very good job and tried hard.

I suppose she met your basic needs well, was she emotionally available to you?

@Ozanj it's not a competition. I'm sorry you were neglected. But the op experienced neglect too, it just looks different.

OP, you can understand what led your mum to behave the way she did, but still be angry and upset about it and the consequences for you. The only way to truly forgive someone is to face how much they damaged you and work your way through your feelings about it.

Your mum had you at 15, she was a child herself. She wasn’t an adult, she was still a child, who herself needed protection, nurturing, guidance, some one to look up to. Yet she still had to figure out everything herself, when she had you and your sister. Yes, drugs and addiction are absolutely shit, but she did the very best she could with the means that she had, with the knowledge and life experience that she had. It sounds like she tried her very hardest, with you and your sister, with the very little she had. You were not neglected, you were very clearly loved. As shit as it sounds, the drugs were clearly her only crutch, in all of this. Clearly, she was giving you everything she herself still needed, being still a child herself.

And it’s not that she couldn’t change for you. Obviously since you were born she’s grown, she has matured, she’s gained perspective and life experience, in order for her to be enable her to make informed, life changing decisions. The person that you are at 15, is definitely not the same person that you are at 25, or 35, or 45 etc.

You are actually still mad and angry at your 15/16 year old mother, who was alone and had to figure everything single thing out, for her self. Nothing is ever black and white, every person has internal struggles and challenges, some more than others.

If today, as a grown woman, you came across a 15/16 year old single mother, trying her hardest, with the little she had, still a child herself, would you view her with derision and anger, or would you feel compassion and empathy for her?

Of course your feelings are legitimate. I also really believe that your mum deserves compassion in all of this.

This!!! She sounds like she did a great job and you had a lovely childhood.

She clearly did her best whilst fighting a tough start in life. The fact that she hid it from you shows she was a really good mum who loved you.

Sounds like she tried her best and you weren’t exposed to her addictions.
my teenage mother didn’t do drugs or drinking, but never cooked a meal, never got up for breakfast or school run, didn’t go to parents evening, never did homework with me, didn’t come to shows or sports events, never did my hair or read me a story, never did baking or arts and crafts or played a game with me, emotionally unavailable, moved a man in I didn’t know.
we had food, clean clothes, holidays, Christmas presents, house was clean (we had a cleaner). I still think it was neglect.

Isn't it interesting how many posters are rushing in to tell OP that her experience is WRONG and that they know better about how she should feel. Things are rarely black and white - neglectful or not neglectful.

I see your point OP.Obviously on the face of it ,looks like you had your needs met and DM was loving, but its far from perfect . Having drugs and strange men around sounds horrendous! I think she was doing her best in difficult circumstances though .It must be hard being a single mum .A teenager would be hard pushed to look after themselves let alone anyone else .What would have been the alternative ? going into care would be hard as well .Maybe find some counselling to help you through .