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Original poster

Anyone else have a neglectful childhood and didn't realise

224 replies

anyoneelsefeelthis123 · 11/10/2024 09:28

*My mum had me at 15 and my sister a year later. Anyone else have a neglectful childhood but didn’t really know until you were an older teen? These are some examples that I didn’t realise until I was an older teen age.

My mum would
Take me and my sister to the park every day rain, wind or shine and we would love it and get to play for ages. But she would meet some friends and it wasn’t until I was older I realised it was because she was picking up and using drugs while we played and were non the wiser

Our house was always spotless and I mean spotless and smelled amazing … because my mum would be high on speed and clean like a maniac

We had loads of beautiful gifts for birthdays and Christmas because they were all stolen and my mum would buy them off people who had stolen them

My mum came to every school and out of school event and was really sociable and didn’t work because she wanted to be with us she said but it was because she was always high or drunk and couldn’t get a job or hold down a job

My mum threw the best parties for us as kids and would let us have loads of friends over to sleep and she would do lots of games and food. All because she was off her face

We were never late for school or had untidy uninform as she would iron ours ever morning . Because she hadn’t even gone to bed yet because she’d been up all night on some sort of drug

She never had a boyfriend because she said she wanted to just spend all her time with us but it was because she new the men that she was around we’re not upstanding citizens

She always cooked home made meals every day but that was because when she was cooking was a short period of the day where she wouldn’t be taking drugs or drinking

She would take us out on the bus/train to all different days out again it was all so she could meet with friends or a new dealer or get stolen gifts off other people

I guess I’m writing this because she early 40s now and has completely changed. 5 years ago she started her own cleaning business which has grown a little bit and met her new partner when he contacted her asking if she could help clean his neighbours home as she is elderly and they got chatting. He’s a lovely man who has worked in the trades all his life. He doesn’t do drugs ever and only drinks at special occasions. He’s a few years older and his children are similar age to me and they are wonderful people who have/are doing well in life. My mum no longer does any drugs and doesn’t drink at all and has learnt to drive now she’s sober. So why the hell am I mad at her? Is it because she couldn’t change for me and my sister but did it for a man? Or is it because I actually liked her more before when she was always the life and sole and feel I’ve lost my real mum. Anyone else been in a similar situation? I feel guilty for these feelings *

OP posts:
PennyFarthingRider · 11/10/2024 11:07

Lincoln24 · 11/10/2024 10:00

@TheYearOfSmallThings this comment and some of the others on here are very unfair on op and suggest a poor understanding of addiction. Yes her mum ensured they were fed, went to school and got presents at Christmas. But living with an addict means you never know how someone is going to behave (see the comment on cleaning on speed) or which version of the person you're going to see after school or in the morning when you wake up. It takes away both the security and the emotional connection most of us expect from our parents. It must have been a frightening and unpredictable upbringing in many ways.

To suggest this mum was a better parent than most of us is so dismissive and unkind.

It really isn't. Your post suggests a lack of understanding of other forms of deprivation. The OP understandably has complicated feelings and anger at the way in which she was parented, by someone who was only a child herself, and an addict with an upbringing in care into the bargain. I have no hesitation in saying that, from what the OP describes, she did a better job of parenting her than my parents did parenting me.

GrowAndGreen · 11/10/2024 11:12

I'm from a less than ideal childhood, and like you I only began to identify how bad it actually was when I had my own children. What helped me was getting deep counselling through paying for it myself. It was hard but the best money that I have spent, I really reccomend doing this with an experienced counsellor.

It's only through working through your complex emotions around your parenting both as a recipient and a parent yourself, will you deal with the resentment that will be brought up at various stages in your own parenting journey,

My mother died before I was able to face this (She died in a road traffic accident, before I'd got to a point where I could talk to her) so I never managed to repair our relationship - whether that was a good or bad thing I'll never know.

Anyway there's understandable issues that you are struggling with. I would ignore any people trying to justify or minimise what you went through, however well meaning because they just don't know your cucumstances, only what you have posted here - suffice it to say that you don't need to justify your upbringing and why you feel this way to any of us randoms on the internet. You do owe it to yourself to see if you can get some help in dealing with your confusion, and for your children so that you can parent from a more secure base.

I wish you well.

PennyFarthingRider · 11/10/2024 11:16

GrowAndGreen · 11/10/2024 11:12

I'm from a less than ideal childhood, and like you I only began to identify how bad it actually was when I had my own children. What helped me was getting deep counselling through paying for it myself. It was hard but the best money that I have spent, I really reccomend doing this with an experienced counsellor.

It's only through working through your complex emotions around your parenting both as a recipient and a parent yourself, will you deal with the resentment that will be brought up at various stages in your own parenting journey,

My mother died before I was able to face this (She died in a road traffic accident, before I'd got to a point where I could talk to her) so I never managed to repair our relationship - whether that was a good or bad thing I'll never know.

Anyway there's understandable issues that you are struggling with. I would ignore any people trying to justify or minimise what you went through, however well meaning because they just don't know your cucumstances, only what you have posted here - suffice it to say that you don't need to justify your upbringing and why you feel this way to any of us randoms on the internet. You do owe it to yourself to see if you can get some help in dealing with your confusion, and for your children so that you can parent from a more secure base.

I wish you well.

My parents are still alive, but there's no question of 'repairing' because they have absolutely no idea they did anything wrong and wouldn't even if it was explained very clearly. They did their best. Unfortunately, their best was hopelessly inadequate. Therapy has helped me to accept, as the saying goes, that you don't go into a hardware shop and expect to buy bread. I got the parents I got. They got the children they got, and we're all a terrible disappointment to them, particularly because I'm the only one to have had a child, for reasons that are intimately related to our childhood.

But I agree therapy with someone good is transformative.

Autumnowl · 11/10/2024 11:17

Gosh I'd feel real admiration for her if she was my mum.
Fancy holding it all together like that from age 16.
And you never were any the wiser as a child ,she did a good job ,with the limitations she had from her own childhood.
It's not a competition,but my mum used to drug me with stuff in my milk to make me sleep,my whole childhood I wet the bed every night , because I was to drugged up to wake up ,the wee would be in my hair there was that much .
So obviously I constantly smelled at school.
I had 3under 3 children myself,and I could get one of them to sleep,and she told me to put the same stuff in his milk as it worked for me ..
I could go on ,but it's not a competition as I said ...
But how you feel with your mum is valid,no matter what anyone else thinks ,I've had to have so much counselling,,and it's not really helped me ,I've just had to come to terms with it .

user272181030 · 11/10/2024 11:17

OP there is a lot to unpack there. Firstly, you are not unreasonable for feeling the way you do its completely understandable.

Yes. she absolutely should not have done any of those things and it was poor parenting. However, would it help to frame it as "she did the best she could at the time with the limited knowledge/resources she had and now she knows better (with age and experience), she does better"?

Rather than seeing this as a negative reflection on you and her love for you?

This is absolutely not making excuses for her in any way but its quite possibly the actual explanation. Love is an intense emotion but love alone by itself doesnt magically gift us wisdom or enable us to change our behaviours if we literally dont know any other way to "be". The only thing that can do that is self reflection, experience, sometimes time, and the right support/education/help from others and it can be very hard work. Love alone is often not enough to elicit change- we have to know how to change ourselves and how to do better.

I agree that counselling would help you to untangle your feelings about this and I'd look into it if you can.

Autumnowl · 11/10/2024 11:19

I hope I didn't seem insensitive there ..I didn't mean to be , apologies if I was

LushLemonTart · 11/10/2024 11:23

Has everyone read the latest update? Broken bones ignored. Wild parties all weekend. Giving sexual favours whilst dcs were in the home. Op you should have put this in the opening post as that's definitely neglect.

LushLemonTart · 11/10/2024 11:24

Autumnowl · 11/10/2024 11:19

I hope I didn't seem insensitive there ..I didn't mean to be , apologies if I was

You shouldn't feel admiration. Have you read allnof op's posts?

Autumnowl · 11/10/2024 11:27

I think ,I realised some people just aren't capable of being a proper parent ,they aren't able to change their life or themselves enough to be what a child needs .
I had a mum ,a dad a step dad and a step mum ,and all 4 of them were selfish individuals who put themselves first and me last .....even to the point of lying to social services (after I'd tried to commit suicide as a teenager ),that I was a problem child ,when actually I never said boo to a goose

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 11/10/2024 11:28

I don't think your childhood sounds neglectful, OP. I'm hearing a story about a woman who looked after her children even when she couldn't manage to look after herself.

Autumnowl · 11/10/2024 11:28

LushLemonTart · 11/10/2024 11:24

You shouldn't feel admiration. Have you read allnof op's posts?

Show quote history

No sorry ,I've not ..I just read the first message
Oh dear ,I'm sorry ,I've not read any further op messages

Fartughtyred · 11/10/2024 11:30

PinkyU · 11/10/2024 09:51

My mind boggles at your definition of a “neglectful” childhood.

This.
She sounds like a pretty amazing mum to me, a mum who despite her young age and struggling with a serious problem, did all she could to take her responsibilities seriously and ensure that her kids weren't neglected or missing out on too much.
Very rare is the parent who gets everything right 100% of the time, it seems she really tried her best and I'd be inclined to cut her some slack perhaps?

Autumnowl · 11/10/2024 11:31

anyoneelsefeelthis123 · 11/10/2024 10:19

Sorry I seemed to have upset some people by using the word neglect. I didn't know what else to call it. I gave examples of times when I didn't realise there was drugs and alcohol involved but there were periods of my childhood which weren't great for example

There would be days-weeks where my mum didn't get out of bed as she was withdrawing or she was trying to recover from abad hit. She would just say she was ill, but she would throw up in a bucket and crawl to the bathroom

She would have parties pretty much every weekend from Friday night to Monday morning, music blaring, singing, lots of people in the house, drinking and drugs going on the whole time

If we're were upset about something she would just give us some chocolate or sweets and say all better now

My sister broke her arm falling off a slide on a Friday and she didn't take her to the hospital until Monday because there was a party going on. I also cut my head open on another occasion and she didn't take me to the hospital for days and then it was finally stitched up but she said she didn't think it looked that bad because my hair covered it. You'd think the blood on my pillow would give it away

Random people would knock the door wanting money from her. Some would be from legitimate companies others would just be local random people she obviously owed money to. Were stopped ever answering the door and would hide

She drilled a whole in a coin and tried string to it to use in the tv to keep it working and when the guy would come to collect the money she would take him into the other room for a period of time and then he would leave. So in assuming she was giving my him favours to cover our tv bill

So yes she ticked the boxes as a great mother for being there and doing sun things and making sure we had food and shelter and material things but she probably wasn't the best at being there emotionally for us

I'm so sorry I didn't see this message
Yes ,it was awful, utterly awful,I'm so sorry that was your childhood,you deserved better than that ,

thismummydrinksgin · 11/10/2024 11:32

I'm not sure it sounds neglectful - you were not neglected - you had everything you needed. Maybe your Mom put you in danger a little by her being on drugs. But she didn't have low life's in your house, it sounds almost idyllic (date it wasn't )

ComingBackHome · 11/10/2024 11:36

Ozanj · 11/10/2024 10:19

OP is looking at this retrospectively as a woman in her late 20s. I guess she’s pregnant now and it’s all come out. But to call it a neglectful childhood when it wasn’t is offensive to those of us who were neglected.

Show quote history

I suspect the OP’s post just above you (appreciate you’ve xposted) has reassured you the word NEGLECT is indeed the right one….

oakleaffy · 11/10/2024 11:36

Afriendwithbreastsandalltherest · 11/10/2024 09:31

She sounds like a teenage mum who tried her hardest to raise 2 children while growing up herself. You don't appear to have gone without material items or emotional support, she was just a young addict doing her best not to neglect you.

@anyoneelsefeelthis123 You were lucky she was a speed freak not a heroin user gouching out all day.

Sounds like she really did her very best for you.

Sounds like you were clean, well fed and loved.

AnotherNameChange0 · 11/10/2024 11:37

MellowMallow · 11/10/2024 09:51

Despite her drug taking she made sure you were both loved and looked after , gave you a nice environment and kept you both away from scummy men and situations . Ok some dodgy stuff went down but I think she did a bloody good job when you consider what your life could have been like . Count yourself lucky.

Totally agree 👍🏽

ComingBackHome · 11/10/2024 11:38

PLEASE READ TYE FULL THREAD OR AT LEAST THE OP’S POSTS.

There aren’t many of them but it will help you clarify why the OP RIGHTLY used to word neglect.

oakleaffy · 11/10/2024 11:42

@anyoneelsefeelthis123

Your first post made it sound all clean well fed and nice- the second, much more like how I'd expect an addict's house to be like. 👍

OneDandyPoet · 11/10/2024 11:43

anyoneelsefeelthis123 · 11/10/2024 10:19

Sorry I seemed to have upset some people by using the word neglect. I didn't know what else to call it. I gave examples of times when I didn't realise there was drugs and alcohol involved but there were periods of my childhood which weren't great for example

There would be days-weeks where my mum didn't get out of bed as she was withdrawing or she was trying to recover from abad hit. She would just say she was ill, but she would throw up in a bucket and crawl to the bathroom

She would have parties pretty much every weekend from Friday night to Monday morning, music blaring, singing, lots of people in the house, drinking and drugs going on the whole time

If we're were upset about something she would just give us some chocolate or sweets and say all better now

My sister broke her arm falling off a slide on a Friday and she didn't take her to the hospital until Monday because there was a party going on. I also cut my head open on another occasion and she didn't take me to the hospital for days and then it was finally stitched up but she said she didn't think it looked that bad because my hair covered it. You'd think the blood on my pillow would give it away

Random people would knock the door wanting money from her. Some would be from legitimate companies others would just be local random people she obviously owed money to. Were stopped ever answering the door and would hide

She drilled a whole in a coin and tried string to it to use in the tv to keep it working and when the guy would come to collect the money she would take him into the other room for a period of time and then he would leave. So in assuming she was giving my him favours to cover our tv bill

So yes she ticked the boxes as a great mother for being there and doing sun things and making sure we had food and shelter and material things but she probably wasn't the best at being there emotionally for us

Apologies OP, I didn’t see this update, earlier. Yes, definitely a lot of neglect there. Sorry you had to go through all of this.

LushLemonTart · 11/10/2024 11:43

Everyone click on see all.

Ivymedication · 11/10/2024 11:46

OP you have every right to find your childhood experiences neglectful. You were there, you experienced them.

A drug addict cannot be a responsible adult, parent, friend. Your Mum may have hidden it to the outside world, eg you and your sister were clean for school, you had a clean home, I'm assuming food. You had friends and parties and presents.

That was also a shield for her - did she read to you? Watch tv you all enjoyed? Tuck you in at night? Do the parenting when noone was around to notice?

Your update shows she didn't provide promp medical care and that she was often too strung out to take care of you.

Coming from having no family herself you and your sister were really vulnerable and you are more than allowed to feel hurt and upset.

From experiences within my own family, I know that there is a much harder dynamic between teen parents and their children. Especially when the parent and child appear to mature around the same age. (Drugs were involved here too, but the granny stepped in to raise the children involved)

It's very upsetting to see your parent evolve for themselves in a way they didn't do for you.

I would really recommend a therapist if you can afford it or look into charities in your area. There are usually some that offer therapy sessions at at reduced rate for people who have been in situations like you have.

I wish you all the best going forward, you must be a very resilient person, which you should be proud of. I believe resilience is earned not just handed out, you have overcome and will keep climbing.

ComingBackHome · 11/10/2024 11:48

oakleaffy · 11/10/2024 11:42

@anyoneelsefeelthis123

Your first post made it sound all clean well fed and nice- the second, much more like how I'd expect an addict's house to be like. 👍

Tbf the fact the mum was addict and not working meant there must have been some doggy stuff going on. How could it not be? In itself A drug addict parent is an ACE afterall

Jellybeanz456 · 11/10/2024 11:51

Sounds like a teen mum doing her best.

MrsJoanDanvers · 11/10/2024 11:57

It doesn’t sound like a neglectful childhood to me. Took you to the park. Cooked meals and ironed your uniform. Didn’t introduce you to loads of ‘uncles’. Let you have your friends round and enjoy yourself. She kept her drugs from you. All while being barely out of girlhood herself. And she might not have been fully involved but plenty of parents weren’t when I grew up. You were thrown out of the house to go and play and come back at teatime-my mum had all the housework, shopping and cleaning with no Labour saving devices like washing machines or hoovers. Many fathers were quite emotionally distant. Yet our generation were pretty resilient. I can understand why you’re angry-how can someone off their face be allowed to parent? Yet it sounds as if she had very little support and did the best she could and now she’s turned her life around-but she could have been truly neglectful, abandoned you to horrible boyfriends and left her drug paraphernalia lying around. But she didn’t. Not many of us have the perfect childhood. Maybe it would be a good idea to talk to someone regarding your feelings and to process the anger for the little girl you were.