I'm not being out of order am I?

[Shithole101]

Earlier on I cooked myself fish and chips for dinner I asked Dd 14. If she wants anything she said no. Now she asking me to cook and I have said no. She got stroppy. And hasnt bothered eating Now I feel guilty

You’re making a rod for your own back by offering choice about times and meals. I cook the meal and tell them when it’s ready. We eat together nine out of ten. If they don’t want it then they can heat it up later. Don’t routinely keep chocolate and crisps in the house. When the kids cook they cook for everyone.

This is all quite alien to me as when I was that age, food was never “offered” to me by my parents, it was given. As in, mum cooked one meal and we sat down as a family to eat it.
Same at lunch time at the weekend, mum or dad would make us a sandwich or wraps or whatever and we’d all have them at the same time, unless someone was out. I can’t imagine a world in which I just wouldn’t eat my tea one night!
But then I do get everyone does things differently, and always love to hear about other peoples norms!

Totally this. Why has she only eaten rubbish? Why are there not meal times?

But she is your child. You are responsible for feedher and she has not had a meal all day. Why are you neglecting her?

It's not like you've been slaving over the stove all day for her. She hasn't eaten anything. No breakfast, no lunch, no dinner. Just a couple of bags of crisps. Why does that not bother you? Why does the inconvenience of making her something to eat matter more to you than the fact that your young teenager has gone all day without food?

Shithole hasn't got a table though, so I don't think they'd be able to do this.

@Shithole101 how do you serve meals if you haven't got a table?

Totally agree with OP. I would help her get something's herself or rather direct. So, not be ok when eating total crap but saying I'm not making another dinner now but you can heat up x,y,z which is in the fridge.

If it's a regular issue I'd just make the food and leave it to be heated later. I do understand for some it's not as simple as you will eat this now. Eg where kids are ND for example and there are potentially loads of food issues.

On laps in front of the TV like thousands of families who don't have the space for a table?

Families are very different and I often reassure women that there is no right way, relax, it's grand, you are looking after them and doing a good job etc.

Only, she has eaten next to nothing and nothing of nutritional value. It is a worry. She needs you to parent here.

She's 14, I'm not sure why some are posting like she's a young child. I'd make more of an effort with meals even when the others aren't there in future personally as maybe she feels when the young ones aren't there no ones as bothered. It's not bad to say what there is to cook though (maybe she feels uncomfortable choosing something in case you're planning to use it another time or whatever) and say what she needs to do ie chuck these in the air fryer for 15 mins on 180.

MN baffles me sometimes. I read you OP and predicted that everyone would agree with you that your DD could get her own food.
These are the same people that claim their 7 year old walks 10 miles to school by themselves or their 12 year old is out late with friends...teach them independence!
But are now claiming you're a bad mum because you didn't make her any food all day.

I don't make any meals for my teens of a similar age on the weekends, I offer if I'm making something but if it's not wanted they are very capable of fending for themselves.
OP your daughter can get something for herself this once, it won't hurt her. Just offer some suggestions of what she can cook or microwave herself

Yanbu

Exactly. Thank you. She can help herself to what ever she likes meal wise . I don't restrict anything

And how long will you let her choose crisps and chocolate before you step in?

Why are you ignoring that she hasn't eaten all day? Why do you not care about that?

All day the girl has gone without food and when she finally asks her mother if she can make her something, her mother says, "Nope. You had your chance."

Same happened with us. Son went out to the park at 5pm. Got himself some breads and bits from Sainsbury’s. Came home & said he wasn’t hungry. I got in bed. He came into my bedroom saying he was hungry. Next thing I’m pouring gravy over pie and peas at 9pm & chatting with him about being around to eat with the rest of the family. He promised he will but said he had the best time at the park.

Exactly. Thank you. She can help herself to what ever she likes meal wise . I don't restrict anything

She hasn't done that though? You need to step up. I can't get my head around a parent leaving their 14 year old with no food just to be right and prove a point.

I'll ask my teen what he wants for dinner some nights but I make dinner for us both. If he's not hungry when it's ready, he'll reheat it later.

I can't imagine just not feeding him though.

Always surprises me just how low level shitty some home lives are. When I’m alone with my daughter I say what shall we have for tea, we can have x or y. I simply can’t fathom saying to my 14 year old I’m making my self dinner do you want something.

And yes op; you’re unbelievably out of order.

You're not unbelievably out of order. Although I would at least have made her a sandwich when she refused fish and chips, then it would still be there if she was hungry later.
Maybe hide the crisps.
But if you've got two younger ones to bath and get to bed, she absolutely has to wait, or get herself something.

Some odd replies on this one. I'm going to guess they don't have teens. You offered, she didn't want anything. Now that she's hungry, she can make herself something. Mine often stays out with friends after school.I'm happy for them to do that, but I make it very clear that I'm only cooking dinner once. If you're not here or you don't like what's on offer, you can sort yourself out. As for just eating snacks all day, one of mine appears to survive mostly on instant noodles cups, I'm sure they'll be fine & grow out if it eventually.

You do know you’re on mumsnet right, and many of us here are parents, with teens, and it’s odd to do what the op did.

Some odd replies on this one. I'm going to guess they don't have teens. You offered, she didn't want anything. Now that she's hungry, she can make herself something.

She hasn't made herself anything though.

Also you are right; I don't have teens. Mine have grown and flown and despite me/DH making meals for them, even at random times, they are fully independent adults living in the real world.

It's not at all odd to tell a 14 year old to make themselves something to eat. If they don't, well, that's on them.