I'm not being out of order am I?

[Shithole101]

Earlier on I cooked myself fish and chips for dinner I asked Dd 14. If she wants anything she said no. Now she asking me to cook and I have said no. She got stroppy. And hasnt bothered eating Now I feel guilty

And a 14 year old young woman can choose not to eat if she doesnt want to, what do you suggest the OP does? Force it down her throat? I know from experience that you cannot force anyone to eat food they dont want. The DD made her choice, which is fine, but equally the OP can say "No, I cooked dinner earlier, you didnt want any, if you want to eat now then you cook yourself

Oh FFS, she isnt starving herself. She didnt want was offered and now she cant be arsed to make herself anything. What she wants is someone to do it for her, well that ship sailed when the OP was cooking and she said "No I dont want any". Welcome to the wonderful world of consequences. Better she learns them now than later.

She hasn't eaten all day. Then when she was hungry, she still didn't eat. "What she wants is someone to do it for her"...why do you think that is? Why do you think she wants her mum to do something for her? And she definitely is learning something, but it is not what you and her mother are thinking.

YANBU at all.

You offered her the dinner you were having. You offered to cook her something else instead. She turned down both options.

You aren’t an on-demand short order cook. If she doesn’t want to eat at your mealtime, she has to fix herself something. She’s 14, not a baby.

With regards to the responsibilities OP has as a mother - you're missing the huge responsibility she has to ensure that she isn't creating the development of a self serving entitled human.

It's ok for mums to make second dinners if that works for their family. It's also ok and very responsible to clearly show a 14 year old that there are certain boundaries and on this occasion making another dinner again right now one hour after I just made dinner and you refused is a very reasonable and measured human response.

If this is an ongoing occurrence and daughter is living on biscuits or thin air then yes, a whole other thread and a new approach to ensuring a balanced diet is needed.

@PyongyangKipperbang

And a 14 year old young woman can choose not to eat if she doesnt want to, what do you suggest the OP does? Force it down her throat?

Why would OP have to force food down her DDs throat? Her DD asked for food. She wants the food. No forcing necessary.

@PyongyangKipperbang

Also, 14 year olds are legally children, not young women.

Several hours AFTER she was offered to have it cooked for her, she turned it down at that point. The food is there, the food is available, all she has to do is prepare it.

DD needs to learn her mother is not her own personal chef.

@PyongyangKipperbang

Repeating the situation as a response to me saying there is no need for any force feeding makes absolutely zero sense.

Make way for the sanctimonious, perfect parent brigade.

Op she is perfectly capable at her age of rustling herself something up.

There are clearly 2 types of people on this thread.I'm in the camp of she's 14 and she can make a sandwich and not be so lazy. If she declines a meal, or your offer of making her something then she has to sort it out herself. She's not 4, she's 14.

At 14 I was making myself all sorts, me and my older sister would sort our tea out most school nights before our parents got home from work.

Thats a good point actually.

When I was 14 my mothers work place started staying open until 6 one day a week, so it was my job to cook dinner so it was ready when her and my father came in at 7.

Some were better than others admittedly, but I did it and dont appear to have suffered any lasting issues as a result! All my kids knew that cereal was there for breakfast, school lunches would be made for them and dinner would be made by me between 6 and 7. Dont take any of the above options? Sort yourselves out. They have all grown, well apart from the youngest who is 13, into well balanced hard working self supporting adults who can cook and clean and take care of themselves. BAD parent that I am!

Exactly, her daughter was offered a meal and declined it. She should be capable of making something simple herself, even it it's just a jacket potato or a toastie.

To be fair, our main reason for cooking our own was because my parents were (and still are) terrible at cooking 😆 my mum could only make 2 or 3 meals that we got very fed up of, and my dad managed to cremate everything .

This thread has made me sad. It's really reminded me of my own teenage years having to make supper for myself when I didn't really know how to or maybe I just couldn't really be bothered to (in an otherwise very loving and not neglectful family). The expectation was often that I'd just make myself some cheese or beans on toast. Maybe I was technically old enough to fend for myself but I didn't do a very good job of it.

I had a low level eating disorder for years and years afterwards - would eat nothing all day apart from a bag of crisps and then a shitty dinner. I wish my parents had taken teaching me to cook and establishing the importance of meals a bit more seriously at the time. I get you were tired and feel you're not her skivvy - but she's still so young really and she needs you to guide her through it. So when she's 20 and she comes home and is knackered she knows how to cook something. Next time why don't you help her think of and cook something simple alongside you so she develops the skill/repertoire.

I wouldn't let her get into the habit of skipping meals and eating junk either. Maybe this is genuinely a one off but I learned to suppress my hunger cues as a teenager and it's a hard thing to unlearn and reestablish regular eating.

Your posts cinema across like this happens all the time it does not I offered to make dd fish and chips. She said no. I also offered for her to choose something different and I will cook it at the same time. She said no. I also told her I would not be cooking later so she would have to sort herself out.

Dd knows how to make basic stuff like noodles. Something on toast . Nuggets, pizza. Jacket potato, tuna pasta spag bol , chilli , stir fry. Chicken and rice. Veg ... and other stuff .

So she was what I call "nice" hungry. When I am hungry but I dont know what I want but I will eat a nice meal that someone puts in front of me, but otherwise I just wont bother?

So not "starving herself" as others have suggested, just not actually hungry enough to stir her stumps and make herself a sandwich?

Also people are just assuming, her 14 year old DD could be better at cooking than some 20 year olds

Personally I started teaching my son to cook about age 10

Does she sometimes make herself something to eat?

Does she have the skills?
If so then I don't think you're in the wrong here.

I'd use this as a reaching moment of how she needs to take better care of her body /health.

If she doesn't have the skills I would do something quick for her and start showing her some basics.

Fair enough. I think it was the combination of her not having eaten any real food/nearly enough all day and then the dinner issue that made me think her diet is not prioritised. But if it is genuinely a one-off then I agree not going to harm her.

I am just baffled by all of this. A main evening meal is cooked every day in my house, usually by me, occasionally by my 17 year old son, we all sit at the table together, chat, then clean up. It is about getting a decent hot and mostly nutritious meal into us but is also about the company, the catch up and the relationships between us. Not having a table or asking children if they want dinner, I literally don't get it. And before people jump down my throat, surely only a very tiny proportion of houses genuinely don't have room for a table, even a fold out one.

And yet quite a high proportion of houses have parents who work shifts and pass like ships in the night, where the teen kids have friends that are more fun to spend time with than having dinner with their parent/s, where there are other responsibilities other than "9 to 5, go home".

Careful love, your privilege is showing.

I agree with you, surely cooking an evening meal and sitting down at the table with your DC to eat is just basic family life. I couldn't imagine going to cook something for myself and asking my DC if they want something. I cook a meal at dinner time, put it out on the table and everyone comes and eats together, leftovers go in the fridge for any who wants it later or the next day.

I was in temporary accommodation for a long time. I had to use my living room also as a bedroom . Definitely no room For a dinning table . I'm properly housed now. And now I use my dining room as my bedroom . So everyone can have their own room. Still no room for table. Come to think of it I have never had a dinning table in my adult life. Fuck me I'm in the gutter so badly 😢

Oh yes, my privilege of being a single mother who works her ass off and who is from a very working class background. Of course there are shiftworkers, of course there are days where it doesn't happen for various reasons but a cornerstone of family life for most people most of the time should be to try at least and have one meal together. This is hardly some shocking idea, twas ever thus. With teenagers especially there may be few other opportunities to have time with the. Mine often would prefer to be with their friends or on their phones in the moment, but as their parent it's my job to take the long view and both provide and expect my children to sit with me to eat their dinner when they are there, which they are 90% of the time. It is absurd to see that as some kind of privilege.