Is it rude to ask where someone is from?

[RudenessCheck]

We had a plumber out to us yesterday. He was very nice and chatty. He spoke English as a second language. I was dying to ask him which country he originated from. I didn't as I wasn't sure if this question is rude or overly inquisitive, so I didn't.
Can you ask this question or is it rude?

It's still a way of saying 'you're other and I want to let you know I've noticed', though. I would be extremely offended if someone asked me this when I was speaking, entirely competently and fluently, the language of the country that is my home.

Some of these suggestions are very much 'how to still mark someone out as other/satisfy your curiosity while not actually saying "where are you from?"'. I'm not really sure why it's so hard to just, you know, not ask unless it comes up naturally in conversation.

You can't help but notice if someone is clearly speaking their second language.

I lived abroad for years and even though I spoke the local language fluently I still had an accent. I was always happy to say what my mother tongue was.

You are wrong.

Once I was getting an application form for a golf club in the USA and the woman said " I'm very sorry but we only have these forms in English" 🤷‍♀️😊 I'm Scottish .

I think there is a difference between asking where someone is from and asking where they are really from as a follow up to a question they have already answered.

Does 'noticing' mean you have to make an issue of it? (And no, in my case people don't always 'notice'. But if I do show a trace of accent or say something slightly unidiomatic, I would prefer people to go by the fact that I am evidently communicating entirely competently in their language rather than immediately raising the 'ah yes, you're foreign, aren't you?' flag).

An issue? How is it an issue? Sounds like you have some issue with this? Do you have some painful memories around this subject?

It all depends on how you ask.

American here. I find Brits won't directly ask where I'm from, but rather make a statement about "You're not from around here, are you?" when making small talk. It does get old, and constantly makes me feel like I don't belong, despite living in the UK almost 15 years.

Oh dear. Didn't take long for the patronising head-tilt to come out.

Hypothetical scenario. We're at the school gates, in a bus queue, whatever, and we're chatting about the latest annoying road closures or the upcoming Christmas fair, whatever. We're both speaking the local language. You hear something in my accent or a small error in my grammar that indicates that I may not be 'from' this country. So you eagerly ask (changing the subject completely) 'ooh, what's your first language, then?' (perhaps preceding it with that dread comment 'do I detect an accent?'). There's no relevance to the subject at hand, no relevance to us being two people, part of the community, chatting. Suddenly the encounter is about me not being 'from here'. Can you imagine how having to respond to that question time and time again, when you just want to be someone who is part of the community getting on with their life, might be draining and feel pretty othering? Perhaps when you lived abroad it didn't bother you, but perhaps you were coming from the 'expat' position (not identifying so much with the local community as you were always intending to go back). This sort of unsolicited question picks on something that makes a person different from the majority society and turns it into the thing around which that person's identity revolves. And it can sometimes be bound up with xenophobia, or, at the least, stereotyped thinking. Imagine if you wore glasses and every second, non-glasses-wearing person you met asked you 'so are you short-sighted or long-sighted, then?' I think that would get old quite quickly.

Also I think it's as simple as - whether it's accent or skin colour or whatever that prompts this sort of questioning - someone's heritage is not fair game for someone else's curiosity.

Just don’t say “and where are you REALLY from?”

I'm not from UK originally, and I love guessing the nationalities of others. But usually I don't ask if they are from specific country in case they are offended (think balkans can be really peed off if you thought they were from their neighbour country)

As a foreigner, I think it's fine if it's asked in a friendly tone. Also helps if you follow it up with "your English is really good"

Why do you have an accent?
is definitely less rude than
why are you not white?
but I probably wouldn't go with it as a conversation starter.

I'm mixed race but it's not obvious where I'm from. I'd rather people just ask, I'm not bothered. I like talking about my heritage and am proud of who I am and I want install that in my kids
And the other option is people staring, trying to work it out - I find that much more annoying. Or when I'm abroad and people are openly surprised I'm English.
My advice is just ask

It's not rude to say 'you have a lovely accent, where's that from'
If someone isn't white and you are white and they have an English accent (so probably grow up here) then asking where they're from might be a 'micro aggression' as it's making them justify why they aren't white. And it's a bit awkward for decedents of slaves who might not know where they're from originally. Being more specific like 'where did you grow up' or 'have you always lived in Birmingham' or if it's relevant 'do you have Caribbean roots' if they mention a holiday to the Caribbean can feel less micro aggressive (so I understand).

This Metro article gives a good insight into why asking this question is not as innocent as it may seem. https://metro.co.uk/2023/11/22/may-think-innocent-this-question-insulting-19838674/

I don't think it's rude. the answer is vague. But I don't like it when I start a new job and someone I don't know asks me what part of the city I live at

I never ask "where are you from" but will use "have you always lived in London/Newcastle/Edinburgh/whatever town" as a standard small talk question. And can then follow up with "do you like it here" or "what do you like about it?"

It gives people an opportunity to chat about their current or previous community that can lead somewhere interesting but without (I hope) putting any pressure on.

😂
Do you ask thay of Brits?

I think where are you from is honeatly the least weird queation on this thread. Straight, no awkward weird questions like school, language etc.
I see np difference to "are you married" or "dl yoi have kids" honestly. All questions are to place person into some group. Aa much as I feel British after spending half life there, I am still also the other ethnicity. And bloody proud of it. I got best of both.

I do understand people fromcwrtain very hated places currently though why they don't feel well about that question. I do.

I always ask and then generally have a nice chat about where they are from and what sort of foods they have. The food bit always seem to break the ice as everyone is proud of their countries dishes.

Food always breaks the ice. I had many internát clients and when I had to leave them alone for a bit I started on about food. They get chatting away.

Food breaks barriers! You are absolutely right.

But do not ask me about food unless you have an hour. 😂

Yes, it's that whole thing about pointing out someone's most obvious difference or distinguishing feature. It doesn't always feel good!

For a bit of an analogy, imagine how often a very tall person hears "Oh you're tall aren't you?!" from people they've just met. Might be quite tedious and draining for that tall person! As if being tall is their most celebrated feature.

The thing is we ARE different. I came 2 years before her. I have British citizenship, I am fully in in most matters.
I am different though. I do not have the same childhood experiences Brits do share growing up in UK. I don't have same midnset. I refuse to say "this is wrong table" in 17 sentences while apologisong someone sent me wrong table. We ARE different because we grew up with different mentality. We ARE different in goals and outlook- push harder to prove yourself, hence on a whole children of immigrants often do better at school (all over the world). There is nothing wrong in being different a bit🤷
As much as we assimilate (and I lived in 99% white british area who took me well in, not just because I share food I grow, I hope), we are different 🤷 It's not a death sentence. It can be quite a power.

Asking someone if they’ve been on holidays this year is small talk. Asking where they’re from originally isn’t good small talk. It can be annoying, they may not want to talk about it or are sick of being asked. Some of the people I’ve spoken to recently that are not originally from this country have had really sad backstories to why they left the other countries to come here. They don’t want to make small talk about the local cuisine etc. If they want to talk about it, they’ll bring it up. For me generally I am more interested in what I have in common with someone. I’m also so used to hearing lots of different accents, it doesn’t really occur to me to wonder exactly where people are from. I don’t really get what’s so fascinating about it or why you would care enough to ask, but that’s just me.