Do you know anybody who will NOT do anything but “family time” at weekends?

[GreenTeaLikesMe]

I know it’s their choice, but it is odd.

A friend who is a member of our local group is moving away soon, so we are going to get together for a drink at our local as a bit of a sendoff. One mum will not be coming because “Basically, for my family, weekends are family time.”

Yes, I know it’s her choice, she can do what she likes, blah blah. I still find it a bit odd. She has always had this very, very rigid rule about not doing anything but “family time” at weekends, no exceptions. If it was a general theme rather than strict rule, I wouldn’t particularly comment, but it seems so inflexible to never make a single exception. I also wonder if her DH is genuinely OK with a family rule that says he can never catch up with a mate at the pub if it’s a Saturday or Sunday.

but that's a completely different scenario, not the one OP is referring to.

Not doing 1 specific activity (the pub) on one specific occasion (a particular sunday) because of a valid reason (you don't want to and are busy), is completely different to NEVER doing ANYTHING without your family EVERY SINGLE friday, saturday and sunday even if one of you really really wants to do the thing and it would mean a lot to the person/people organising it, and you don't have any actual plans with your family - just because weekends are sacrosanct 'family time', no exceptions.

"We're so busy we usually try to keep Sundays for the family where possible so we can spend some time together" isn't the same as "We ONLY see family on the weekends, no exceptions."

I would hazard a guess that 'family time' friend of OPs would still somehow complain if all her friends organised something really fun and exciting one Saturday evening and didn't invite her. Perhaps I'm wrong but if she found out that they'd had a free ticket to her absolute favourite singer for a gig on Saturday night but didn't even bother to ask her because "You've made it clear that the weekends are family time," I imagine she'd be quick enough to think there should be an occasional exception if it was something she really wanted to do....

Are they definitely doing family time all weekend every weekend?

It's the sort of thing I say to people I'm not very keen on spending more time with. Weekend time is precious and I'd rather keep it for my family and for people I count as close friends. It's very easy to have the weekends of one half term taken up with several kids' parties, some essential kid shopping like shoes and a family day out as well as seeing a friend or two without trying to fit in drinks with an acquaintance you're not much interested in.

And there have been a few times recently when I wouldn't have wanted to incur the costs of drinks out or a meal out with people I'm not close to as money was tight. Could it be financial?

I am another that presumes someone who can't see anyone outside their family from 5pm Friday, to 9am Monday are likely to be the people who in the future will start the weekly "I haven't got any friends" threads or the annual "I am bereft because my dc went to university" threads.

It is important to have friendships of your own, and - even if you prefer to spend most of the time with your family - to have a blanket rule of never going to any event or social occasion during the time that most social occasions are likely to happen, is just bizarre.

I also wonder if this family time thing is also behind some of those very intense grandparent threads. You know the ones where they trample boundaries and keep a close eye on how much time the other grandparents access the baby and whine about it not being equal.

It doesn't seem like something that a mentally healthy person with a full life of their own would do. I think doing the family time only thing and expecting to come out of that and adjust well to being an empty nester is a tall ask.

I’m extremely socially awkward and just don’t enjoy things like ‘lunch with the girls’ so I’m stealing this as it’s genius.

She just might not enjoy socialising in that way.

I thought the Mormon religion followed this rule that Sundays were family time only?

A colleague of DH’s for Saturdays. He isn’t attached to a particular religion, but Saturdays are his day not to be contacted and (so im told) he picks off a section of the bible to study.

This is exactly how we do it. The weekends are family time. DCs grow up so fast and we want to get as much as we can out of all of us being together. It is an unspoken agreement. If DH or I get invited somewhere, we would decline if it’s on the weekend. We try to see our friends during the week when the DC are busy.

This. If you make your children your priority at the expense of friendship what do you do when they are 22 prioritising being hungover.

You don’t have to make weekends family only in order to prioritise your kids.

I generally spend the weekend with my kids by default at the moment as I’ve fallen into a habit of going out after work. But there’s no way I’d turn down a friends event I wanted to go to at the weekend like a brunch or a dinner. It’s possible to do both.

Maybe her family are more important? Understandable.

Hi op,

why do you find it so odd? Maybe it is a phase…how old are the children? Do they have babisitters easily? Grandparents nearby? Any health issue on parents side that would need some help on weekly basis? Are the children doing any activity?

Personally, after doing all the stuff that needs to be done coz someone else need it, I understand why a drink with girlfriends come second to the couch/bed/be in comfy pj.

Phases pass…and change. Maybe be patient?

Good luck 🌺

I love my friends but have this rule. I work five days a week and want to spend the weekend with my children. I socialise with friends in the evenings when they're asleep, or we socialise at activities that include the children.

A friend of mine had this rule which I found odd. The majority of the time my weekends is spent with my husband and kids but there are times we do seperate things and that’s fine. I’d never have a blanket rule. What I found most odd about my friends rule though was her husband had no such rule. So she would say no to plans and enevitably end up fuming on a Saturday afternoon when she was stuck at home with three kids and he was down the pub with his mates!

So what, she obviously doesn’t want to go out for whatever reason, just leave her to it. Not everyone likes going out and being sociable, she might have social anxiety, might be a homebody, might ‘just’ do family stuff at the weekend. She’s not hurting anyone, live and let live. The older I get the more I hate going out of a weekend, I keep it to a minimum 😂 when younger I liked going out, but sometimes did it, not because I wanted to, but because I wanted to please someone else

A friend of mine is like this. I find it hard to see her because I can’t do weekday evenings so we never align! I assume it is because she is a stay at home Mum and so feels that she needs to be there for her husband on weekends. He works long hours in the week.

When my children were small and both DH and I were working full time, we would do few adult only social events on our own, individually or apart. This was because we did want to prioritise the family. We didn’t split up and now do loads more socialising.

I’d rather do things with my husband and family at the weekends. However, it’s not a ‘rule’ more of a preference. We do things as a couple with friends and/or family, but my favourite time is when it’s just the two of us and we can please ourselves.

I've never met anyone like this!

I'd bet it's an excuse because she doesn't want to go.

I had an aunt & uncle who could never stay at our house for long because they "had to get home for the dog". Unfortunately they used this excuse to leave early long after the dog had died. They were very embarrassed when a younger cousin reminded them!

Me!!

I work a miserable job I hate all week and literally live for the weekends with my husband and toddler. Obviously if something social comes up we want to do we will go but it’s very rare we do that. We do socialise with friends but will do that as a family. They are my safe space and my haven away from a sh**y existence I’m living at the moment

For my family weekend is family time kids go school during the week,(older 2 go out at weekends to play with their friends at times 1 pre teen 1 teen and youngest has complex needs) husband works evenings so weekend is when we spend our time together. I’m a full time carer for our youngest so I catch up during week with friends as does hubby he doesn’t drink (I drink rarely, just can’t go hang overs anymore) so he catches up with his mates durning day or rare evening off during the week, they play snooker or whatever they have planned. Due to his schedule he wouldn’t see our kids if we didn’t work it that way. Sometimes weekend we get baby sitter and spend the evening together for our relationship needs, Every family is different and every one has their own reasons for doing things. Or in this case maybe she likes to keep work life separate to home life as alot of people do.. or has a similar situation to mine or could priorities time with her family and friend over work colleagues? Who knows.. maybe none of your business really? 🤔

I think this thread is going around in circles a bit.
I don’t consider what people do on weekends or why they do it my business.

I do consider someone Im fairly close friends with consistently telling me they aren’t going to make an exception to family time at weekends for any event ever something that would impact our friendship.

I have a 4 year old and 6 year old, they go to bed at 8. If I chose never to go out for a friend’s event after that but always say family time I think it’s more like saying to someone I really can’t be bothered to make an effort for them. It’s just Id rather drink wine & watch Netflix. And quite frankly I’m sure at times I would but i make an effort for my friends. I’ve know my best friend since we were 12 she’s practically family at this point.

Im not talking about people under additional strain, that’s different. But outside of that, I think it’s really like saying to a friend I can’t be bothered to make any effort for you.

Yes, I tend to match people's energy these days, given I have done all the running in the past. Most of my friends are in their late 40s or 50s so their kids are grown. There will still be the odd one who says weekends are family time, though they are happy to meet in the week.

I assume they dont want to see me enough and I have distanced myself. I find people who still want to spend every weekend with their families when they are in their 50s quite tedious.

I know two people who are like this. Both are SAHMs, so they do see friends during the school day, just not me! It means I never ever get to see one of them. I do think it a policy than can only work with small DC, unless you refuse to permit them a social
life as teens.

God no, I love my DH and kids but I need my own outlet to just be me, not mum and wife.

I have hobbies 2 or 3 times mon-fri and on a Sunday morning. I will visit my friends for drinks, or just to binge watch our fave tv show with snacks. We go out for dinner and shopping trips too.

I can't imagine not having a social life at weekends, that is wider than just my nuclear family. I don't do it every weekend, too much laundry and housework stacking up for that! Haha