Do you know anybody who will NOT do anything but “family time” at weekends?

[GreenTeaLikesMe]

I know it’s their choice, but it is odd.

A friend who is a member of our local group is moving away soon, so we are going to get together for a drink at our local as a bit of a sendoff. One mum will not be coming because “Basically, for my family, weekends are family time.”

Yes, I know it’s her choice, she can do what she likes, blah blah. I still find it a bit odd. She has always had this very, very rigid rule about not doing anything but “family time” at weekends, no exceptions. If it was a general theme rather than strict rule, I wouldn’t particularly comment, but it seems so inflexible to never make a single exception. I also wonder if her DH is genuinely OK with a family rule that says he can never catch up with a mate at the pub if it’s a Saturday or Sunday.

Me!

I rather spend time with my family (DH and children) on weekends. I love not having to adhere to a time schedule and I enjoy doing the things we as a family love. I like it best when we have no plans and just see where the day takes us. Eg we will spontaneously go away in our caravan for the weekend or take the boat out somewhere to explore. We seldom plan things, just wake up and see what mood we are in and what the weather is like.

Sometimes our older kids have their own plans and do their own thing which is all good, they have cars and so look after themselves in that respect.

Sometimes we’ll catch up with mutual friends over the weekend but it’ll usually be spontaneous, eg I’ll call them and say we’re passing their area if they’d like us to pop in or if they want to meet somewhere.

This has been mine and my DH’s preference for the past 25 years. I value my time with him and vice versa, we work hard during the week and see our individual friends then. However, even that’s getting pretty rare and I’m not even mad or sad about it.

Each to their own.

A variation on this is when a family also has a second home that they have to go to ALL the time (because they've bought the thing and feel like they have to get as much use out of it as possible, and because they end up having to maintain and garden and fix things up a lot). A former friend of mine at school also drifted over time for this reason, because she was never able to see friends at weekends or take part in any clubs, and as kids get to secondary school age, that kind of thing becomes more important for cementing friendships.

Her family's second home was a canal boat, actually. I do not get the impression that my friend was very keen on those endless boating weekends.

I can see that it's a choice thing for some families, but I do think families should at least try to be flexible at their kids grow older as and when needed.

I’ve moved around a bit and found it hard to make friends so most weekends are by default family time. But it doesn’t really bother me, DH works quite long hours, we are extremely busy during the week and generally quite tired by the weekend. Obviously everything DC is invited to we go to (this is pretty much every weekend)

But if someone invited me out I would go. I used to have a book club once a week but it collapsed and nothing new turned up.

I think sometimes people just don’t want to tbh.

I think it’s fab!!! And fair enough judging but think how bogged down we all are with ‘how about we meet up this weekend’ etc etc and next thing you know you’ve something’pencilled in’ every weekend. You only have fleeting years with your kids, and you’re running about all week not properly seeing each other so fair dues to them!! I think all falilies have to have rules others will never get and think inflexible but if it suits them great!

DH is like this. We can see his family and once or twice a year he organises something with a friend and family. I always had to turn down invites and invites for the DC. In the end I put my foot down and said DC2 had to be allowed to go to birthday parties. Now it's competitions, but he will never take DC as he's busy during the week and doesn't see why other people should organise his downtime for him. It's enough of a fight to get him to do something with DC1 when we're out. I'm pretty sure the solid group of friends I made when the DC were little meet without me now. I do try to organise a meal out during the week twice a year now the DC are older and can sort themselves at bed time.

I took this kind of advice from my mum as she pointed out that my career and my friends were what would carry me through when dc leave home.

You can't rely on just one person as, not to be morbid, they might die when you get older. You need community.

I don't know anyone with a no-exceptions sort of rule, but within my primary friend group we stopped having adults-only gatherings on weekends once people started having children. Things like girls' nights or grown-up drinks/dinners happen on weeknights and weekends are for family-inclusive socializing. And both DH and I will attend weeknight work drinks or similar but will generally only do big events like Christmas parties on weekends. I travel heavily for work and we have both young kids with early bedtimes on school nights and teens with sports commitments on the weekends, meaning relaxing family time is limited and precious. So no set rule, but I'm far more likely to regretfully turn down the invitation you describe on a weekend than a weeknight, and our main social circle would be unlikely to choose a weekend for going-away drinks if spouses and children aren't included. DH and/or I would of course attend something like a wedding on a weekend, though.

I can also see my fellow introverts or ND people seeing the appeal of having a very clear, set rule. Especially ones who aren't great at saying no when put on the spot, or those who have partners who are unavailable on weeknights or teens in weekly boarding.

Goodness no! We are a close family and love spending time together but all have our interests and friends. Saturdays are often in spent doing sports or other activities, at cultural events, or seeing friends. We often go out as a family, but quite often just two of us will go somewhere, we will have people to stay or one of us will meet a friend to do something,

This weekend, I'm meeting a friend for lunch on Saturday and will go to yoga, we have ten people over for a karaoke evening that evening and I'm taking DS and three friends to an outdoor film. DH and DS will go to their riding classes. DH will vanish with the dogs for half a day and plans to meet a friend at the local beer festival, and DD has two church services to go to as she's in the choir. And wants to meet a friend in town. All important activities to each of us. Some spent together, some with friends, some alone.

Friday night (after tutoring and swimming) we will have a family meal and watch Ludwig together. Same on Sunday. Family meals are important.

DH and I both work in professional roles, as do our friends. We are jam packed with work and school commitments on weekdays. And our extended families aren't exactly around the corner. If we reserved weekends for 'family time' we'd never have any interests or see our important people.

Geez, no - not for me! I love my family but cherish my friends. We've been through so much together and I miss them if we go too long without seeing each other. There have been times when they have been there for me when I needed them and I like to think they feel the same with me.

Also, I'd hate to think I'd restricted my DCs' lives by insisting they spend every weekend with me.

Absolutely don't get the phrase. WTF does it mean? Just taking your kids somewhere?
Weekends are generally the time to catch up on errands, groceries, drive the kids around, go to the library etc. Do whatever hobby you may have personally if you have one.
As soon as you have kids old enough to get a bus somewhere they will be doing stuff with their friends or have homework to do surely.
So besides the fact I hate the phrase family time, everyone I know is very happy to socialize or do something else at the weekend.

@Lentilweaver makes a really good point. It's so important to keep a balance of interests and relationships in life, at every life stage.

Not just to 'futureproof' an every nest but to stay connected, interested and interesting.

How does this impact upon you? I don't understand why you are so taxed about this.
And to then assert 'families should at least try to be flexible at their kids grow older as and when needed.' Why on earth should they? What circumstances would you deem them to be 'needed'?
How very strange

There are many different kinds of people with many different needs and preferences. What you should be asking is why does it bother you? Do you feel burdened to do the events? Do you feel rejected by her not joining in? Look inside yourself.

To be honest I do tend to write off people who have this rule as people I want to get to know further. I guess I assume that they're too busy for me and would be quite boring company anyway. Each to their own but I agree with PP that I wonder where it leaves them when their kids grow up.

Torn on this. I’ve always worked (more than) full-time and have always felt guilty conscious about missing out on bits with the kids, so like seeing them at weekends. Plus I’m getting less sociable as I get older.

That being said you can’t beat a good catch up with good friends.

We don't have any help with childcare at all at evenings/weekends and my kids are very little. We both work full time in stressful jobs. So if I go and do something at the weekend it means my husband is on the hook for looking after 2 small children solo after a full on week at work. For this reason I limit what I say yes to, and so does he. It won't be this way forever but at the moment we have to prioritise.

Not everybody has a family; it would he nice to have the option.

I have wondered if it's working parent guilt in some cases.

Bet it's just an excuse. Not everyone enjoys going out for drinks.

How close is the friendship? You mention a mum from your local group, what sort of group is that? Maybe it is not really that important to her. Maybe they don’t see much of each other as a family in their busy week. I totally get it. Also the second home thing, my parents used to do that and yes, it made it difficult for me growing up to hang out with friends, but I totally get why they loved to go: to switch off and enjoy being in a nicer place than the rest of the week, not just to get the most of the investment and slave over keeping the place.

Weekends are the time to escape family for me. We are together working from home Monday to Friday. Weekends we barely see each other till we fall into bed on Sunday night.

This isn’t the kind of question you’re going to get an accurate picture of on Mn, where an unusually high number of posters don’t have friends and ‘only need my own little family’.

I spend most weekends ferrying about between various football leagues, climbing walks and cricket nets. I don't know how this rigid "family time" restriction would work if any of the DC are remotely interested in sport.

Maybe it is her DH that has made the rule?

Good lord, don’t disempower women like this. It’s still a woman’s decision whether to go along with her DH rule or not.

If my DH made a rule and I disagreed, I’d just laugh and do what I wanted. If he made a rule and I agreed I’d go along with it, not because he had made a rule but because it was something I agreed with and wanted. Women are individuals, not possessions or subordinates who go along with their DH’s rules.

I definitely avoid people like that. Why would I want to be friends with people who don’t prioritise friendships? It seems very pointless and I’d just feel like an inconvenience.