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Original poster

Do you know anybody who will NOT do anything but “family time” at weekends?

271 replies

GreenTeaLikesMe · 02/10/2024 00:54

I know it’s their choice, but it is odd.

A friend who is a member of our local group is moving away soon, so we are going to get together for a drink at our local as a bit of a sendoff. One mum will not be coming because “Basically, for my family, weekends are family time.”

Yes, I know it’s her choice, she can do what she likes, blah blah. I still find it a bit odd. She has always had this very, very rigid rule about not doing anything but “family time” at weekends, no exceptions. If it was a general theme rather than strict rule, I wouldn’t particularly comment, but it seems so inflexible to never make a single exception. I also wonder if her DH is genuinely OK with a family rule that says he can never catch up with a mate at the pub if it’s a Saturday or Sunday.

OP posts:
MummyJ36 · 02/10/2024 09:25

I think it’s pretty selfish of the parents to put pressure on their kids to have family time every weekend. The bonds that children (and adults!) make outside of the immediate family set up are so important.

Your family should be the stable rock that you dive off from and come back to, not the one you are tethered to.

PauliesWalnuts · 02/10/2024 09:25

gloriagloria · 02/10/2024 08:20

Obviously everyone can make their own choices about how they spend their time, but I have a number of friends who have no partner or children, or who are now single and their children have left home. I would never exclude them because of "family time." Also I really like spending time with one of my children at a time - they're very different and love having one to one.

Thank you for this. I'm one of those no kids no partner people, and weekends can be really lonely. I've had friendships fail because of the "weekends are family time" rule, where my friends work part-time and can meet during the week, whereas I work full time and have a long cycle-commute home after work.

fitzwilliamdarcy · 02/10/2024 09:38

I lost a few friends over this, yes. Mostly because they didn't just say "no, that's family time" but made it very clear that now they had a little family, they considered themselves morally superior to us singletons and had no time for our silly little events.

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samanthablues · 02/10/2024 09:39

Said mum doesn't like you ladies that much (or suffers from social anxiety) and would rather stay at home so she comes up with said excuse.

LizzieLazzie · 02/10/2024 09:42

That’s her choice - we all have different priorities. Why does it bother you so much OP?

RenoDakota · 02/10/2024 09:48

It is the most perfect excuse for not doing things you don't want to.
I am totally flexible about what I and my family do at weekends but would always haul this particular excuse out to get out of unwanted social expectations.

Diecast · 02/10/2024 09:49

coffeesaveslives · 02/10/2024 08:08

I wonder if a lot of people are so busy focusing on their kids while they're young that they don't really consider the bigger picture.

There was a thread on here not long ago about empty nesters, and it was filled with people who suddenly found themselves with nothing to do at weekends or in the evenings because they'd spent the best part of twenty years putting their kids and families first.

It made me quite sad really - of course it's normal to miss your children but it's not normal to focus on them to the complete exclusion of everything else.

This is what I've observed in my friends, the time with young children does pass and as children become adults you really needs your friends, I've seen so many people who haven't nurtured their friendships but then been lost when their children become independent.

WeWillGetThereInTheEnd · 02/10/2024 09:50

I also wonder if her DH is genuinely OK with a family rule that says he can never catch up with a mate at the pub if it’s a Saturday or Sunday.

As DH has always worked in London, and all his friends except from uni, work there too, he has a drink with them somewhere in London in the week. We did go for dinner with one of his friends on a Saturday night in Soho recently; but that’s because he’s a widower and had to bring his DC.

So, no DH would never want to go into London for a drink on Sunday morning!

LBFseBrom · 02/10/2024 09:51

tattygrl · 02/10/2024 01:25

I suspect first comment has nailed the most likely explanation. Many people don't enjoy going out for drinks, for multiple reasons. One of the bonuses of having kids and a partner is having a ready excuse.

That is true.

She could also be extremely strapped for cash, perhaps living hand to mouth, and doesn't want to say.

Cobblersorchard · 02/10/2024 09:52

I generally find that people like that are not the sort of people I want to be friends with anyway!

Our weekends are child centred as DD is small and we want to see her, but we do things with other families or our own family eg playdates at the farm park, soft play, cafes, activities/events.

I have declined things that would mean me missing out on DD as I barely see her in the week, but the last thing I want to do is only be with DH and DD and nobody else every weekend. I like it sometimes as I’m quite introverted, but not all the time.

My friends all work so weekends are when I see them. I’m not really in to the SAHM thing, so don’t have any friends that applies to. Even all the army mums I know (and that’s a lot of my circle) have jobs.

Summertimer · 02/10/2024 09:58

I think op’s friend’s approach is a legitimate position, but it’s not my own approach. I meet friends regularly for a meal or shopping at weekends but hope for anything that involves a whole evening out to be no more often than one in four weekends.

PiratePatrol · 02/10/2024 10:05

Dh and I prioritise weekend family time with our kids - he works during the week and doesn’t get to spend much time with them in the evening. Yes, it’s important to us but we are not super rigid with it. We occasionally meet up with friends or dh meets up with his dad and brother (shared hobby)

I love spending time with dh and our kids, it’s my favourite thing in the world, but I also know it’s important to make an effort with friends. My friendship group has got smaller over the years, I have v.young children and it’s not always easy to maintain friendships. If I didn’t make the effort to meet up at weekends occasionally, I think I’d regret that further down the line. Often, it’s literally just a coffee and a natter, a couple of hours in the morning, it doesn’t need to be an all day thing. Then we have the rest of the day to get on with other things.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 02/10/2024 10:13

Sounds like 'family time' means mum's controlling time. My kids always have stuff on at weekends, I would never expect them to not participate because I insist on family time. 48 hours intensely doesn't seem healthy. I know a couple who go on holidays and don't allow kids make friends or join kids clubs because holidays are family time. I can only imagine those kids will leave and never look back because their lives have been dictated by someone else and they need to be free.

Investinmyself · 02/10/2024 10:16

Diecast · 02/10/2024 09:49

This is what I've observed in my friends, the time with young children does pass and as children become adults you really needs your friends, I've seen so many people who haven't nurtured their friendships but then been lost when their children become independent.

Show quote history

Wiwikau (a facebook group for parents of teens going to uni) has been eye opening.
So many posting they are utterly bereft and devastated with all this time. You know it’s coming.
Other side of coin is teens completely unable to cope away from home and mum. It’s not healthy on either side to always do things as a family no outside hobbies or friends and is setting them up for failure.

anxioussister · 02/10/2024 10:25

Tbh it’s my blanket excuse for people who aren’t a priority…

That sounds awful - but family life is busy - and I do see friends at weekends - but they have to be my real inner circle for me to prioritise them at that time. There is plenty of other time in the week for a dinner or some drinks withnold colleagues / a group of no-longer-very-close school friends etc

Fastback · 02/10/2024 10:33

OhDearMuriel · 02/10/2024 08:57

YANBU

I had a friend like this who lived by this extremely rigid rule.

She tried to do a complete 180 when her DH left her.

Tried? Did she not succeed?

Fastback · 02/10/2024 10:35

PiratePatrol · 02/10/2024 10:05

Dh and I prioritise weekend family time with our kids - he works during the week and doesn’t get to spend much time with them in the evening. Yes, it’s important to us but we are not super rigid with it. We occasionally meet up with friends or dh meets up with his dad and brother (shared hobby)

I love spending time with dh and our kids, it’s my favourite thing in the world, but I also know it’s important to make an effort with friends. My friendship group has got smaller over the years, I have v.young children and it’s not always easy to maintain friendships. If I didn’t make the effort to meet up at weekends occasionally, I think I’d regret that further down the line. Often, it’s literally just a coffee and a natter, a couple of hours in the morning, it doesn’t need to be an all day thing. Then we have the rest of the day to get on with other things.

Edited

I don’t understand this. My social group is huge now I have small children. I do nothing but meet more people all the time. It’s exhausting!

Deliaskis · 02/10/2024 10:37

From my experience of people who have said this, in a lot of cases (not all obvs) it's really code for 'I can't trust my husband to look after both kids alone and not be a childish grump about it'. Which is sad really.

I think it's awful to not allow kids to ever do anything at the weekend that isn't with the family. I like what the pp said about family being a rock that you can jump off, swim away and return to, not one you are tethered to.

Elderberrier · 02/10/2024 10:38

I know someone who has this rule, one of the mums in my DDs circle of best friends. There’s 5 of them and one of them is rarely involved in any weekend meet ups. I think maybe the mum just doesn’t like us much as the other mums are keen to meet up with the kids, which is fine, but I think her DD misses out and it’s a shame.

LoobyDoop2 · 02/10/2024 10:42

I had a friend who would refuse to do anything away from her husband and child at weekends, and who would also book herself up for months in advance with family weekends away. I haven’t seen her for months, probably longer, because I can’t really be arsed with the whole rigmarole of squeezing in half an hour on a Tuesday, or whatever.

Sayoonara · 02/10/2024 10:43

ayvasili · 02/10/2024 07:34

Yep me. As my kids are now young adults I can see the time for them leaving me fast approaching. Weekends are family time, and Friday lunch date with my kids is sacred, I don't plan anything on a Friday that might disrupt that!

'Young adults' , so 17, 18 years old? Surely they don't spend every weekend seeing just family?

ThatsNotMyTeen · 02/10/2024 10:44

She sounds a bit smug and annoying tbh

Arraminta · 02/10/2024 10:45

I suspect it's an easy, default cop out used by people who aren't good at socialising and probably didn't have many friends before they had children.

Nine times out of ten, people who enjoyed a varied social life before having a family will endeavour to keep up with their friends and hobbies, even after having children.

SLeanne · 02/10/2024 10:47

I can understand this. If both people work, maybe have to attend work events in the evening, or have a job which involves working in the evening, kids clubs / hobbies to ferry them around to etc. The weekend might be the only time they get to spend together / eat together as a family. All families are different and this dynamic obviously works for them.

Investinmyself · 02/10/2024 10:48

I’m not sure. I think some high achieving women who did have a career and friends really throw themselves into ‘project children’ and only realise too late they now have a big void to fill. It’s not easy building a social life in your late 40s or 50s from scratch.