Do you know anybody who will NOT do anything but “family time” at weekends?

[GreenTeaLikesMe]

I know it’s their choice, but it is odd.

A friend who is a member of our local group is moving away soon, so we are going to get together for a drink at our local as a bit of a sendoff. One mum will not be coming because “Basically, for my family, weekends are family time.”

Yes, I know it’s her choice, she can do what she likes, blah blah. I still find it a bit odd. She has always had this very, very rigid rule about not doing anything but “family time” at weekends, no exceptions. If it was a general theme rather than strict rule, I wouldn’t particularly comment, but it seems so inflexible to never make a single exception. I also wonder if her DH is genuinely OK with a family rule that says he can never catch up with a mate at the pub if it’s a Saturday or Sunday.

Who doesn't want to leave the kids with dad for a couple of hours and run to the pub?

People who say this either lack the capacity to understand how this sort of behaviour impacts others (friends making clear you’re no longer important to them, rocking up x years later post divorce wanting to act as if nothing happened) or are doing this sort of thing themselves and hoping no one else noticed their crappy/weird behaviour.

But that's exactly what the OP is about - a woman who won't do anything at the weekends - because of "family time"

Well - people aren't stupid - they can tell the difference between someone who genuinely can't come because they have plans, and someone who's just making excuses.

I wouldn't particularly want to be friends with someone who couldn't even tell me the truth about why they didn't want to hang out.

My goodness!
I couldn’t deal with someone being so nosey as to demand a fuller explanation than what I had given.

How about just letting people be the way they want to be without judgement and without placing demands on them?

This thread has really brought out the judgey mumsnetters in force 🤣

This is me too! I will on occasion go to these things but honestly I would rather just stay home. The family time excuse sounds good to me, wish I'd thought of that haha

I try to prioritise weekends with family - but the kids prefer seeing friends! I don’t massively enjoy going out anymore but I don’t decline my occasional Saturday night meal out because I might not get asked again when I need to be.

Who said anything about demanding an explanation?

All I meant was that if someone kept fobbing me off with the same excuse, I'd eventually just stop bothering.

To be fair I get where the poster is coming from a bit although I wouldn't put it exactly like that. I wouldn't "demand" an explanation from someone bit I think you do have to put some effort in if you want to maintain friendships. Friendship is about give and take. If you're happy without friends though that's fine 🤣

I have never met anyone who talks about "family time" at all. But, perhaps, in my generation it wasn't a thing. If people didn't see their friends at weekends, they might never see them. Friends are important.

To be fair, I never said anything about demanding anything, lol. That was PP extrapolating.

I just can't be arsed with people who keep fobbing me off with what's clearly a nonsense excuse. Fair enough to be busy with family once or twice, but when every invite is turned down for the same reason, it gets a bit obvious.

Yes, I have met some people like this.

They are socially anxious

They spend their out of work time with their immediate family & have their routine of what they do during that time.

Of course maintaining friendships requires give & take. That’s not in question.

This thread is about someone who has explained that they don’t do anything outside their family at weekends and I don’t understand why that isn’t accepted as their choice? Genuinely baffled by the lack of tolerance shown on this thread.

Personally I wouldn’t be a “family time weekend” type of person myself, but I can respect someone else’s choices without judging and condemning them.

I agree.

I've only ever come across this / heard of this on MN threads.

But perhaps there is a link between me not knowing anyone who won't go out anywhere at the weekend, and the fact that - when out at the weekend - I meet people who are out at the weekend.

I don't just mean "out in the evening, socialising" I mean all the things I do (now dc are grown) and all the things we did (when dc were young). For me (who has always worked during the typical working week) , the weekend is for relaxing. Which means doing all sorts of different things with all sorts of different people, as the occasion arises.

“Who said anything about demanding an explanation?

You did 🤷🏼‍♀️
“wouldn't particularly want to be friends with someone who couldn't even tell me the truth about why they didn't want to hang out.”

The person in the OP could of course be trying to find a handy excuse, but if we take it at face value, if one of my friends applied their rule of “family time” to my life events/things that are important to me I’d find it hurtful.
Id never say it to someone, IMO it’s bordering on rude. I might say “I’ll be wrecked this weekend because child has swimming, match, hard week in work etc” but not I have a blanket rule that I only see family on weekends so I’ll never go to your birthday etc

I stopped seeing a friend because she'd only meet under specific circumstances that suited her.

Weekends and evenings were out, so she'd ask to meet at, eg, 11am on a Monday when I work full time. I suggested a number of alternatives that were all rejected

Her reasoning for no evenings or weekends was;

She & I would chat
Our husbands would chat
Our DDs would chat
Her DS (young adult) would have no one to talk to.

She couldn't grasp that people of different ages and sexes could have a conversation. She refused to meet without her whole family, so only mornings were suitable for her because they were at school or work then.

You’re a different person to the one referred to originally. That’s fine.
Everyone is different, everyone makes different choices. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Agreed.
Choices have though, and I find it sad that women are so prepared to put friendships on the back burner, and risk coming out the other side of “family time” when the teenagers have ditched mum and find themselves with fewer friends or lesser friendships.

That may or may not happen in this case.

And it can happen even when mum has been giving her weekend time to friends for years.

There may be some correlation but it’s by no means 1+1=2.

...and yet nowhere in that sentence did I say anything about demanding any kind of explanation

What I did say was that if someone couldn't tell me the truth and kept making the same excuse, I'd stop bothering with them and would just let the friendship drift away.

No need to worry, I’ve never experienced a shortage of friends. 😂 like many,I tend to be closest with likeminded people and for me that’s those who don’t get their feathers ruffled if I decline an invite!

Of course it can, but putting friendships on the back burner greatly increases the risk of them not surviving/thriving. IMO the responses on this thread support that.

I don't think you have to be an expert to see that when people stop bothering with people outside of their partner and children that it's more likely to lead to them being lonely when the children become more independent or if there is divorce.