Do you know anybody who will NOT do anything but “family time” at weekends?

[GreenTeaLikesMe]

I know it’s their choice, but it is odd.

A friend who is a member of our local group is moving away soon, so we are going to get together for a drink at our local as a bit of a sendoff. One mum will not be coming because “Basically, for my family, weekends are family time.”

Yes, I know it’s her choice, she can do what she likes, blah blah. I still find it a bit odd. She has always had this very, very rigid rule about not doing anything but “family time” at weekends, no exceptions. If it was a general theme rather than strict rule, I wouldn’t particularly comment, but it seems so inflexible to never make a single exception. I also wonder if her DH is genuinely OK with a family rule that says he can never catch up with a mate at the pub if it’s a Saturday or Sunday.

Yes I agree

the point comes very quickly where they grow up and need you around all the time less and their friends/work/hobbies more!

the phrase “family time” is also very smug and annoying in itself

I know exactly what you mean. These people typically use the phrase 'our little family' which is actually shorthand for 'I control everything we do and everywhere we go because my family is my own private fiefdom.'

Then they're so shocked when their children run screaming for the hills, never looking back, when they leave for university.

We moved from the city to a small town 18 months ago - I don’t really have many friends here & I didn’t really do the whole baby group thing when dc2 was a baby last year.

I’ve made a few mum friends from toddler groups but that’s it really. My oldest dc has just started primary school so I’ll naturally make a few more friends/acquaintances that way but tbh, I’m happy with my friendship group being small - I like my little meet ups (I’m meeting a friend for a soft play date tomorrow!)
I would find the constant meet ups quite exhausting, like you said. I imagine I have that to come in the following years with after school clubs and even more birthday invites etc!

She basically does not do any socializing outside the family during weekends. She did once or twice drop in at a weekend parents-and-kids picnic with her husband and both children, but only briefly. I think anything without her husband and both kids with her would be verbatim, even for a short time. She was interested in joining the drinks party until the date was shifted to a weekend as several people could only manage a weekend evening, after which she said "I'm sorry, that won't work for us, as weekends are family time."

No skin off our nose, we have plenty of people coming, but privately I think it's a bit of a shame not to even join a leaving drinks gathering for an hour or whatever, to see a friend off. The bar has plenty of non-alcoholic drinks and none of us is a heavy drinker at all.

I wouldn't describe being able to get dressed, leave the house and talk to people without it being awkward or cause for worry as "superior".....surely that is normal for any functioning adult. How on earth do you go to work or do anything if you can't chat with your own friends without it being "awkward"?

I'm very sympathetic to people with anxiety but it is a diagnosed mental health problem, I find it very worrying that anyone could suggest that leaving the house being a big, scary thing is the "norm" and anyone who does it easily somehow thinks themselves "superior."

Preferring to be at home than go out is a conpletely valid personal choice but it should be just that - a preference, not because you've pathologised "social interaction" as something to avoid rather than the bedrock of human existence.....

Fine to prefer to be at home.
But worrying for a week about what to wear does not sound normal. I pull on a pair of jeans or cords.
I am not superior. Thats a term used on MN for anyone who is not anxious day and night.

See for me that's been one of the huge unforeseen positives about becoming a parent, my social circle has expanded hugely and I love it. Pre DC we hardly knew anyone in our town (we both work elsewhere and live there because it's in the middle). Now I can't leave the house without bumping into someone I know from nursery, school, swimming lessons you name it, it has enriched my life massively.

"Why on earth should they?"
Um because "family time" where half the participants don't want to be there is going to be pretty shit family time? Surely the whole point of ringfencing family time is for the family to bond and enjoy spending time together rather than feeling resentful at forced interaction.

"Circumstances as needed" would refer to events where an older child or teen would much prefer to be at and would probably benefit them more overall than yet another weekend with just mum and dad - e.g. the examples people have given above of a DOE expedition, friends' big birthday party, brownie camp, sporting event, favourite artists concert etc. Things where just one family member would go with friends rather than the whole family spending the weekend exclusively together.

So if little Sam or Alex (or even big sam or alex e.g the parents) are offered tickets to go with their mates to see the big rugby match or Taylor swift they can go rather than being told "nope sorry weekends are family time"

I think it's "very strange" that you can't possible envisage ANY scenario in which the sacred "family time" could possibly be breached!

There's a middle ground tho between never being together as a family and always needing to be in touching distance. I do one weekend a year with school friends, one with uni friends, dh does similar. When I did two nights in hospital, the kids didn't feel it was a big deal. Dad just did Dad and they were fine. I knew he could do it all without me cos he has. It works both ways too. If he needed to go and look after his Mom for a few days, the kids would miss him but it wouldn't be this huge thing that Daddy isn't here. And in the event of divorce or death, we have a life outside of one another.

Why can't people just be honest instead of making up shit excuses, though?

If I had a friend who never wanted to hang out because of "family time" then it stop bothering completely tbh.

The problem with this viewpoint is that life isn't static. You can't just put your friendships on pause and expect them to restart again once your kids have grown and no longer want to spend their weekends with you.

It's all very well wanting time with your family but if you don't make the effort for your friends too, they'll soon get fed up of being rejected and will move on.

I think people are all different. There's no fixed route to happiness. Also often people are not telling you all their truth.

She either has this rule because she likes it or needs it, or it's an excuse.

The more interesting question is why do you care so much, @GreenTeaLikesMe ?

I don’t think I know anyone who lives like this. It feels so stifling and oppressive to me, I’d hate to live such a restricted life personally.

I wasn't suggesting you put your friendships on hold, nor am I saying that you should ban your kids from meeting their friends / going to birthday parties etc at the weekend, but there is nothing wrong with turning down Sunday at the pub when it might be the only day that you get to have a meal with your family who you have hardly seen all week. I wouldn't particularly want to go to the pub on a Sunday evening as that is when we get stuff ready for the week ahead - getting school stuff ready, making sure homework is completed, hair washed, reading done etc etc.

I wouldn't say that I never do anything outside the family at weekends, but family activities have always been my priority at weekends. When my DC were young, DH and I both had very busy jobs and the DC had their hobbies so weekends when I wasn't on call really were the only time that we all had together. Even now, I'm retired but DH is till working so I prioritise time with him at weekends. If there's something he not interested in and it really only can be done at the weekend I occasionally do something on my own/with others and the same applies to him, but it is relatively rare. Mostly we do our shared hobbies, are out with mutual friends or visiting/being visited by family.
It was the same when I was working. Something really unusual, or a special occasion at a weekend, then yes, I'd go. But something like after work drinks with people I'd just spent my whole working week with would never take priority over spending time with people I actually love.

Weekends are important for me as me and DH both have busy full time jobs and a toddler in nursery. I usually do some form of socialising each weekend (extended family or friends) but I’ve had to prioritise who makes the cut.

The thing I’ve been struggling with is some of my closest friends do not live local to me, so meeting up can’t be a quick lunch/coffee, it tends to be an overnight thing which I’m not up for as regularly.

I’d bet my back teeth she is an introverted person, maybe ND, who uses the ‘family time’ excuse for weekends because things like leaving drinks are a huge drain on her mental and emotional reserves. In the week it is maybe manageable because she mentally has energy budgeted in for one or two things like this, but putting it at the weekend probably completely cancels out her recharge time so that she will enter Monday with zero reserves.

I am in the diagnosis process for ASD. I am high-masking, so nobody would ever twig that I might regularly turn down events like this because of personal challenges, but this sort of thing makes me want to zip my skin on inside out. A LOT of energy is required for me to show up in a NT way, which can leave me drained for days and vulnerable to a meltdown at an inopportune moment if I haven’t had recharge time.

I’m not saying it’s okay to use introversion or a ND diagnosis as an excuse to never go out of your comfort zone or to keep kids
tethered to the house. My kids have about 8 weekends straight of birthday parties over the next two months, and I diligently take them to those things because I know they enjoy socializing with their peers and benefit from those opportunities. I do my best to make sure they do not suffer because of my own challenges.

However. Like hell am I going to let someone bully me into ditching my wellbeing boundaries because they feel I am
not engaging in what they see as a social must-do for my time. Not my children’s time, mine. I genuinely need that weekend time to be myself in the quiet of my own home with my core people. Maybe your friend is being rigid about ‘family time’ for the moment because she is protecting her own mental health and knows that an event like this will push her over the edge.

I hope for your sake that you don't end up being one of the contributors to the many "am I the only one without friends?" threads that you see on here.

Ha ha - now I've found my people 😂

That was my first thought too. Does he have rigid ideas about gender roles, etc., maybe religious about it?

It it's something like this, then why can't OP's friend say so? She doesn't have to go into a long explanation she can simply say that she's tired and wants the time to recharge. I know my friends would happily do this. Or just say she can't make it without offering any explanation.

I had a friend like this when my DD was in pre school. You would invite one of the DS' to a party and all five of them - Mum, Dad and 2 uninvited kids would rock up. Because weekends were 'family time' for them.

I found it weird and codependent (not to mention rude).

There was also someone on a uni course I did who took great delight in telling us all "we do everything as a family".

Which I just found bizarre because why can't one of you go to B and Q while the other one stays home with the kids? Answer: "because we do everything as a family".

Husbands parents were like this apparently when they were kids and they spent their teens being dragged around shopping centres reluctantly.

Fucked up IMO

Why are you so bothered by how she and her family chose to live?

Why should she explain herself though?
and why not just accept what she has said?