Do you know anybody who will NOT do anything but “family time” at weekends?

[GreenTeaLikesMe]

I know it’s their choice, but it is odd.

A friend who is a member of our local group is moving away soon, so we are going to get together for a drink at our local as a bit of a sendoff. One mum will not be coming because “Basically, for my family, weekends are family time.”

Yes, I know it’s her choice, she can do what she likes, blah blah. I still find it a bit odd. She has always had this very, very rigid rule about not doing anything but “family time” at weekends, no exceptions. If it was a general theme rather than strict rule, I wouldn’t particularly comment, but it seems so inflexible to never make a single exception. I also wonder if her DH is genuinely OK with a family rule that says he can never catch up with a mate at the pub if it’s a Saturday or Sunday.

I wouldn't have ever said anything to someone who declined everything at weekends, or expected them to do anything differently. However, I would privately feel sorry for any children whose parents routinely declined all weekend birthday parties etc. Kids don't generally like to miss out.

I also think children benefit from seeing their parents model healthy relationships.

To be fair I would also count taking my children out with a friend and maybe their kids too. It doesn't just mean going out drinking adults only.

Yeah I think it’s often this. I think a lot of the ‘my little family’ people are just naturally introverted. Social interactions, even with friends, cause them some level of stress, that they don’t have with family. So once they have a family, spending all their time with them becomes a way of never having to push through that stress. It’s basically an avoidance technique.

I’m more introvert than extrovert so I understand people being like this. However I like doing lots of things, and go a bit bonkers if I don’t see other people, so that drives me on to push through the underlying social stress I feel.

What if the girlfriends work and can't do weekdays?

Nah, I don't know anyone who thinks that way. I couldn't bear to live so rigidly!

Yes, but I do wonder if the DH is being controlling about it.

Obviously everyone can make their own choices about how they spend their time, but I have a number of friends who have no partner or children, or who are now single and their children have left home. I would never exclude them because of "family time." Also I really like spending time with one of my children at a time - they're very different and love having one to one.

This. I have a standard statement when my walking group do things other than walking. I'm not interested in silent discos or karaoke evenings so " Oh that would have been lovely but we're away on that date. Have a brilliant time". Id rather poke out my own eyeballs than attend either event. If I say "It's not really my thing, no thank you" I'll have endless texts from the organiser trying to persuade me that I'd love it if I went.

I don’t see how it works at any age to insist everyone in family doesn’t do anything at weekend expect spend time with the family.
Infant school age they get invited to parties. There’s haircuts and swimming lessons. Logistics mean not everything can be squashed in after school.
Junior school age same plus hobbies also expand. Do parents really say you can go to brownies on a Wednesday but not the fun trip on a Saturday, no to dance exam meaning child can’t go to next grade up with their friends.
Teens need to socialise with peers plus hobbies, volunteering pt jobs, driving lessons.
Very good point about what when they leave, mine went to uni 3 weeks ago. I miss her but I’m busy with work, volunteering, friends. I’ve seen lots of posts on facebook where women are absolutely devastated and have nothing to fill void.

I’m in a group of friends. I see them for breakfast, lunch or sometimes dinner, and we do a hobby together. However, I don’t want to go out with them at night because their idea of fun is not my idea of fun. They think I’m boring because I don’t want to go. I’d quite like a drink in a nice cosy pub, but anything more wine bar than that, with a dance floor is a big fat no from me sorry.

Ug my parents used to dominate me as a child, and not allow me to see friends at weekends (of course, as a school kid I didn’t see them after school in the week either… we all lived far from the school).

it really hurt my friendships. Like the DoE girl mentioned above. I stopped getting invited to things. My old mates had all sorts of experiences outside of school that I wasn’t part of. Don’t do this to your kids, “family time” parents. But then tbf my parents were weird. Probably autistic I realise now. While I am not.

I know someone like this. She actually scoffs in the face of anyone who invites her to something that doesn’t involve her children and husband at the weekend or in the evenings. She acts as though she is vastly superior for this ‘rule’ and that any mother (not sure if it extends to men) who wants to do something like cocktails or dinner out without their family is missing something in their home life or with their husband. She talks only of her children.

She is beyond tedious.

Yes I've known people like this though there are varieties of them!

Single mum friend who worked FT wouldn't let her kids sign up for any weekend activities. She used family time as an excuse but the reality was that she was understandably knackered and her kids loved "pyjama days" on the sofa so they weren't bored (mine would have been climbing the walls!) However she was very welcoming of friends dropping round and having a Sunday afternoon glass of wine and a chat, so definitely not anti social and she would take the kids to parties if they really wanted to go.

Families who did everything together but did go out and would socialise to an extent but as a whole family i.e. park run or meals with extended family. Two of the families I knew would turn up as a unit to parties and stay for the whole thing (bit awkward as the sibling wasn't invited but clearly wanted to join in) and if they went to Tesco the whole family would troop round the store. Would have driven me crackers but they all seemed quite happy!

Finally families who were totally rigid about family time and stayed at home all weekend "spending time together" and would not factor in seeing any other people at all. I was curious about what they actually did (never found out) and whether it was all actual active quality time or not.

In our house we love having family meals round the table at the weekend and there are chunks of time when we're all at home but in different rooms doing different things. It doesn't change the equilibrium if i pop to the gym/ meet a friend for coffee or if H goes out to meet his mate for a pint or if one of the kids is out for a dance class or play date. We feel like we all benefit from activities and friendships outside the home/family even though we love each other best of all!

We are all different of course but I'm nosy and different family dynamics fascinate me.

We are really busy, work long hours, work away etc however I think an entire weekend of enforced 'family time is a bit much! You can spend most of thre weekend together but still have a couple of hours with friends, and I don't think those few hours make much of a difference to the family, who all tend to drift and do a bit of our own thing together anyway. Also a lot of my friends work full time ans have kids activities in the evening, I would literally never see them if we had a weekend is family time rule.

I think you hear this from people with small kids. I think the truth is many of them would rather go to the pub!

@SaySomethingMan re the DofE
one trip for bronze…
Then potentially 4 longer trips (2 of them practices) for silver and bronze, over a period of 2-3 years.
For my dd, they also attend training and discussion sessions weekly for part of the year.
then the other children would have volunteering and sport/new activity commitments as part of this. My dd is doing gym this year for hers, goes with a DofE friend.
DofE is a big commitment not just a couple of camping trips.

I find if sad when dcs are excluded (by their own parents) from social activities with their peers, especially when these are really healthy, active pursuits.
I was excluded as a child and in my case it was emotionally abusive. The family time didn’t really exist for me it was spent in my bedroom with no tv no company no alternative activities.

Imo we have a duty to our dc to let them flourish and grow and make their own decisions. If that decision is to be with family mainly in the house until they are 18 or above, fair enough, but let it be an informed decision let them experience alternatives too.

I've never met anyone that rigid about it, but once we all started having children it did definitely go that way in all my friendship groups, the mums tended to be on ML or work part time / SAHM and socialised with DCs during the week, the DHs in the evenings, not much socialising as couples. Then when birthday parties started they seemed to dominate weekends for a while and once those started fizzling out sports and other hobbies for the DCs took over, plus visiting extended family always had to be at weekends due to distance (I live in one of those towns where a lot of people had moved in for the easy commute to London and weren't local). Weekday evenings were largely taken up by DCs activities too but as they got older and more of my friends started working FT we started going out in the evenings instead, weekends have only come back into play for adult meet-ups the last couple of years (DCs late teens).

I would always have made the effort for a special occasion (I am very extrovert and love socialising), but it was very rare that anyone tried to organise any adult socialising at weekends for a long, long time. None of this caused any friendships to fizzle, we just worked round it and are enjoying better social lives than ever and lots more hobbies now the DCs are not reliant on us evenings/weekends.

YANBU

I had a friend like this who lived by this extremely rigid rule.

She tried to do a complete 180 when her DH left her.

We both work all week, DC8 and 5 have their clubs on weeknights. My partner works Saturdays so that rules anything out for me during the day as we have limited childcare options. As Sundays are our only day off all together, that is our family day out.

Saying that, our DC do go to parties at weekends if invited and some family days out are with our friends with DC of similar ages.

Neither of us drink alcohol so bottomless brunches/wild nights out don't interest us in the slightest.

Any catch-up meals with friends are done midweek after the kids clubs, while the other parent sorts bedtime.

Even if it was a one-off like a farewell do for a friend?

Tried? Yo mean it didn´t work?

OP I prioritise family, BUT, if something comes up, like tapas and drinks pre dinner or dd´s friend´s birthdays etc I do all I can to slot them in.
Rigidity isn´t a good trait.

Weird that you’re so concerned….

Social things, without the family, on the weekend can be hard for us but that's simply because of logistics - DH works 1-2 weekends a month and there are a lot of kids activities and matches and parties so we tend to need both of us around to manage it. This weekend for example DH was working so I took DS to her activity then to pick up new shoes then home for a quick lunch before she went to a friend so that I could drive DS to his away match! Frankly, it can feel a bit relentless so I agree OP - I've never understood this hard and fast rule. I have a fairly regular friday night drinks with a local girlfriend and we do a fair bit of wider socialising WITH families which works well now the kids are older - we can go out on a saturday evening and not stress about being home by 7!

But as long as we plan the logistics, we both do stuff on weekend without any family. Or, in my case, I might take the gap to hole up in the bedroom with a box set or a good book!

One of our DD's best friends had a family like this. She wasn't even allowed to attend DD's birthday parties if they fell on a weekend. DD and the best friend are both at the same uni now, the friend doesn't go home very often. Recently she said her Dad was very controlling and I had suspected that.

People can do what they like but children grow up and leave home, relationships break down or partners die. I very much value time at the weekend and when children were small my DS was in a football team so one day at the weekend was always football. But for a goodbye I would have gone along and missed it. I’m backing what @OhDearMuriel has written.