Do you know anybody who will NOT do anything but “family time” at weekends?

[GreenTeaLikesMe]

I know it’s their choice, but it is odd.

A friend who is a member of our local group is moving away soon, so we are going to get together for a drink at our local as a bit of a sendoff. One mum will not be coming because “Basically, for my family, weekends are family time.”

Yes, I know it’s her choice, she can do what she likes, blah blah. I still find it a bit odd. She has always had this very, very rigid rule about not doing anything but “family time” at weekends, no exceptions. If it was a general theme rather than strict rule, I wouldn’t particularly comment, but it seems so inflexible to never make a single exception. I also wonder if her DH is genuinely OK with a family rule that says he can never catch up with a mate at the pub if it’s a Saturday or Sunday.

Well you (and I) are lucky enough to have partners who would be fine with that. But you only have to read MN for 30 seconds (including this thread) to know that many women are in relationships where that’s not an option.

Anyway, no I do not have that rule. Never did, even when kids were younger. I enjoy social weekends, I equally love weekends with just me and DP and bo Plans at all. Who wants to live so rigidly?

I’m all for prioritising family but if a friend essentially says that they only want to spend time with me when their DH isn’t there then I’m not really going to put the energy into that friendship. I wonder what her weekends will be like once her DC are teens and grown up. Only ever socialising with her DH maybe.

If her week is chocca block I can understand it. She might be including kids hobbies, washing, cleaning, and some relaxing in those two days. It’s really not very long and there’s not enough hours in the day if you work full time and have kids!!!

Social interaction vs lounging on the sofa. I know what I would pick and it isn't to make awkward chit chat and have to spend a week worrying about what to wear (if you don't do that then well done you for being superior)

FWIW as a parent I consider running around to DC's sports/birthday parties/grocery shopping/visiting grands and cousins to be under the umbrella of "family time" compared to something like drinks out with friends. All of those things you describe are my commitments and time priorities as a mother and spouse. OP hasn't provided (or doesn't have) much info on what it actually means to this person, she only knows they say no to going out for casual drinks on weekends.

I entirely agree with this. We were that family for years - always one thing after another on weekends and never ever spending any time together on our own as a family as being busy with others just crept in until most weekends were filled, my eldest is now 14 and I am keenly feeling that we don’t have many years of family time left so I am having to put in some boundaries with others so we get it. I think there is a happy medium but it is hard to achieve so o do understand where she is coming from,

I had a friend who always used to say this - wouldn't accept any social invitations at weekends or parties for her dc etc because weekends were family time. We all thought it was a bit rigid but whatever, but we accepted that it was her choice. I now know that it was a rule imposed by her abusive and controlling ex-H.

We never really know what's going on behind the scenes. Maybe your friend doesn't want to socialise at weekends, or maybe she is being prevented from doing so. I really hope it's the first.

This 1000%.

If you check out of prioritising friendships for years you can’t expect that people will just let you back in. They won’t!!

I'm not taxed, just curious. As for being flexible as kids get older, I'm referring to the fact that as children grow, they may want to do "non-family" things at some point during their weekends, so if parents force this on kids, they may have some problems. I mentioned the friend of mine who was never able to do things with her friends at weekends as a teenager because the whole weekend had to be family time on a canal boat. I think her parents should have considered compromising somewhat, because she didn't seem thrilled about this arrangement.

That's what we do. After working all week and with them in school, we want to spend the weekend with family.
Many others do the same, it's a way to reconnect.

Geez, no - not for me! I love my family but cherish my friends. We've been through so much together and I miss them if we go too long without seeing each other. There have been times when they have been there for me when I needed them and I like to think they feel the same with me

Same here! Obviously people can do what they want and its up to them but I do wonder of its an excuse and they just dont like going out or socialising. There was literally just a thread about how to get out of seeing work colleagues in personal time and lots of us suggested saying "family time" 😂

I'm not saying its always an excuse but some people just prefer relaxing at home than having an active social diary and reactions to that dont tend to be very positive so "family time" sounds more kind of "legit".

I can't help but think there must be a connection between all this "family time" and the number of threads from people who are painfully lonely and who have no social lives or hobbies once their kids have started to grow up.

Seems a shame that no exceptions made for even an occasional event such as a leaving do.

I think it depends what is meant by family time. If it's just "we like to reserve all weekend to spend together as a family despite no firm plans and no-one is allowed to do anything by themselves" then no, I don't know anyone like that.

But I do know a lot of people (me included) whose weekends are often quite committed due to DC's sports etc. It's easy for people to say "oh but they can just miss one match" and technically they can, but the problem is that the inviter is not the only one asking, so if I said yes to every lunch/ festival etc then DC would only be available around half the time, which isn't really on, so in your scenario I wouldn't make a DC miss a sports match so I could go to a leaving drinks of someone I could catch up with one to one. I'd save it for something like a big birthday of a really close friend.

You don’t want to be friends with people who don’t prioritise friendship over family? I’d find it odd if they didn’t. Not all the time / to the exclusion of everything / everyone else obviously but surely most people prioritise their family?

I find it’s hard to keep everyone happy, over the last few weeks there have been times where I’ve had to deliberately prioritise family because there are so many other demands that a) I wasn’t getting any quality time with them and b) I was knackered and getting no down time. The rest of the time has been split between different groups of friends, broader family things and other commitments so I think in a month I’ve had one day which was a family day. The different groups won’t necessarily have known what I was doing with other people though so may have assumed I was being boring / a loser / controlled / whatever other explanations have been offered here.

My friend is like this and it have basically ruined our friendship she expect me to take time of work to fit in with her 1 day off a week so we can meet. She won't go out for dinner (to expensive) neither if us are drinks people so that's out. I've suggested she comes to a knitting club I do once a month she does knit. Not interested.
However weekends are always family time. I wondered what it will be like now her daughters are university age but seems to have made little difference.

Result is in the last 3 years we have met twice. She was once one of my closest friends.

100% not the husband if anything she rules the roost in that relationship he just tags along.

Parents parent
Kids do what their parents do until they are oldcenough to fend for themselves.
That's how life has been across species
Why should parents be bending to their child's will?

Is there? I socialize plenty with my children around on weekends and go out at least one evening per week without them in addition to constant texts, lunches, trips to visit friends and family, etc. I'm a bit baffled by the number of people here who seem to think the only way to have friends as an adult is to go out drinking with them on Friday or Saturday nights.

I was just thinking the same thing.

I'm single, without children. I put in a lot of effort to my friendships. Those that have relegated me to 'week nights only as weekends are partner / family time' are pretty far down my priority list for keeping in touch with.

Agree with this

But then that doesn't apply to you. Nobody has said that spending time with friends has to be going out drinking on the weekend, what we are talking about are people who won't see friends at all on the weekends because they want to be with just family. That doesn't sound like you at all.

I would go to the pub as it's a leaving drink but my first preference is to spend my weekend with my family, and husband, I just prefer doing that to anything else. We're v active so we're not at home. I wouldn't go on about it and will do things to avoid being rude but I much rather meet up in the week for dinner with friends etc. equally annoying are the people who don't seem to like their families and try to organise back to back stuff all weekend every weekend as though they don't have kids.

@AGoingConcern I didn't say anything about drinking on Friday and Saturday nights

I was just talking generally - if you constantly put your family before your friends, you can't expect them to still be interested once your kids are grown and there's no more "family time".

It’s probably an excuse. Could be anything, social anxiety, alcohol issues, lack of money. Or just can’t be bothered. I hate pubs and if I wasn’t bothered about the person leaving I might well use an excuse.

Yep me. As my kids are now young adults I can see the time for them leaving me fast approaching. Weekends are family time, and Friday lunch date with my kids is sacred, I don't plan anything on a Friday that might disrupt that!