Do you know anybody who will NOT do anything but “family time” at weekends?

[GreenTeaLikesMe]

I know it’s their choice, but it is odd.

A friend who is a member of our local group is moving away soon, so we are going to get together for a drink at our local as a bit of a sendoff. One mum will not be coming because “Basically, for my family, weekends are family time.”

Yes, I know it’s her choice, she can do what she likes, blah blah. I still find it a bit odd. She has always had this very, very rigid rule about not doing anything but “family time” at weekends, no exceptions. If it was a general theme rather than strict rule, I wouldn’t particularly comment, but it seems so inflexible to never make a single exception. I also wonder if her DH is genuinely OK with a family rule that says he can never catch up with a mate at the pub if it’s a Saturday or Sunday.

I think it depends on her circumstances. If she and her DH both work full time and full on with a long commute then, realistically, they only get to see their kids at the weekends. And if they feel that time is too limited, it’s probably not unreasonable that they’re a bit protective of it. Also depends on ages of kids. If you’re like me and your kids are that bit older and your week is much more fluid, then sometimes I’m happy enough to do a bit of work or pop out to meet a friend at the weekend because there isn’t the same pressure/importance placed on that particular slot of time.

Is that what we're talking about? OP hasn't actually said that this person doesn't socialize at all on weekends or what they define as family time, and they have said absolutely nothing about weekday socializing.

There are a lot of people here making a leap from "weekends are family time" to "that person doesn't prioritize friendships" and I don't understand why.

You're right. Parents can parent as they think fit. And kids will make their own choices about whether they want to spend time with their parents once they're older.

Personally, I think relationships with teens are much healthier when parents are not overly controlling, but we all do it differently.

Yea, it's in the heading: Do you know anybody who will NOT do anything but “family time” at weekends?.

When my DC were young I tended to reserve my weekends for them, yes. I didn't find the need to give it the label 'family time'. Like 'date night' it sounds contrived and obligatory. I'd just say 'sorry I'm doing such and such with the children' I'm sure if the woman's poor husband objects he has a will of his own and a tongue in his head to voice his views, so I'd not worry about him.

She must miss out on a lot! No friends’ birthday parties or meals? No brunch? No time to herself? I work Saturdays so I have Sundays in the calendar as ‘family time’, but half the time one of the kids has a play date and the other half of the time we just lie on the sofa watching telly so not exactly sacred 😄

@RoachFish you have far more faith in the plain accuracy of MN thread titles than I do at this point 😂

@GreenTeaLikesMe do you actually know what "family time" does or doesn't include for this particular mum? Does she decline all family and couples invitations? Are her DC actually not allowed to socialize or attend activities on weekends? Do you know that she has the same policy towards close friends vs "your local group"?

Yes. My sister in law, her weekends are solely "family" time. But when she says family she excludes anyone but her husband and her children. It means the only time I can see my nieces and nephews is if I babysit after work, which isn't feasible for me.

You say the mum is part of your "local group" - what does that actually mean? Do you meet up as part of an organised activity, or is she just one of the people that you hang out with? If the latter, when do you meet up? If it's normally for coffee and a walk on a Wednesday morning (for example) it might be that she's saying she doesn't want the friendship to move into other socialising, and using the slightly clumsy "family time" excuse. It doesn't necessarily mean that she never does anything that isn't family oriented at the weekend.

We have a very fairly rigid one weekend a month family time. It is so special and so valuable. Our situation is slightly different as husband works one weekend a month and has very late finishes (usually works 8-7) so we don't get a lot of 'family time ' during the week.

If we were invited out on that weekend and didn't have a free weekend that month to 'move' our family weekend then we'd probably decline

Hmmm, I dont label it "family time" and I dont make it some weird rule to never ever do anything else but I do tend to prioritise "family time" at weekends, yes.

The reason for that is both DH and I run our own separate businesses and work crazy hours during the week. By the time the weekend comes we are pretty exhausted (plus housework/laundry to do etc) and feel like we have barely seen the kids (teens) so when the weekend comes we do like to carve out time to spend together as life is flying by and I dont want to regret not spending time with them when I can before they go off to uni.

If a friend was having a big party for their 50th or something I would go to that but stuff like coffee meet ups/cinema/ hobby clubs/going out to a bar etc I woudnt for the reasons above. It's not that I dont love my friends but it only takes a couple of those things for half your weekend to be taken up.

Thankfully my friends are all in similar situations so there isnt a pressure to be meeting up every weekend and I suspect as the kids go off to uni and we do have more free time the meet ups will increase. I certainly dont see it as a bad thing, it's just the seasons of life that we all experience. Some life seasons you prioritise work/friends and in other seasons you prioritise family. Its a pattern I have noticed with all of my friends so certainly not just me.

I’ve known a few like this. They’re the ones who drop you once they’ve got kids with a “weekend is family time” rule, despite the fact that maybe, just maybe, their friends can only do weekends too due to work, other commitments etc.

They’re also the ones who wonder where their friends went and why they’re lonely when their kids start to get their own lives/leave home/they end up single. They pop back up again and can’t understand why their old friends are cheesed off with them or not interested in rekindling a friendship, which is hardly surprising since they’ve already been told once that they’re dispensable.

But what happens when your kids do leave and you've neglected your friendships for the best part of two decades?

I do know a lot of people who have a family time rule. Some people are more flexible about changing the actual timing but others have a set day when it has to be. It’s something we started doing when one of our children was self harming. It became an important thing for us and at that time I probably would have prioritised my child over a friend. As things improved, we can be more flexible.

Wow, for missing one trip? She couldn’t have been that close a friend with them if missing one trip had that effect, surely.

Exactly this! People who do this can’t have many friends, and what happens when kids leave home or you get divorced?

@SaySomethingMan it reads like because she missed DofE, she couldn't do the rest of the expeditions so missed out on a lot more than just one trip.

I've used the 'weekends are family time' line for about a year. It works great for me! I suppose the pandemic made me notice how too much social stuff made me frazzled. I just like lazy weekends with no social stuff. Weekend evenings I watch Strictly or easy watch TV, potter online, drink wine, recharge. I see my friends on weeknights or on my day off. It's not an absolute strict rule, but because I love my lazy weekends so much it's tempting to say no to parties of friend requests to do stuff.

Everyone is different, maybe your friend is just an introvert like me? I suppose this post makes me realise I should explain things to my friends a bit more. They probably think my husband is controlling me! 😆

We see each other plenty and spend plenty of time together generally so no, I don't feel the need to be rigid or make a big deal about 'family time'. I'll happily see friends at weekends for a meal out or I have a spa day with one in a few weeks which will be lovely. I would miss out on a lot if I could only see people on weekday evenings or whatever.

People that rigidly prioritise family time over other social activities will find a few years later that their social connections got fed up of being ignored and moved on.

Children's needs change and they need social connections beyond school and family they become increasingly important as they get older and form part of the years of transition from being dependent young children to independent adults. If parents regularly obstruct their children's social opportunities and needs then it will breed resentment in the relationship.

Once the children are independent adults and weekends can't be blocked out as family time, couples need something else to do and common connection. That's easier if they have retained social connections and the habit of doing a broader range of things. It's a common stage for relationships to flounder as couples realise they grew apart and spent years with little connection other than their children. If they're not used to doing things beyond their family unit, it makes it harder to restore habits that were mothballed for 20 odd years.

People are free to block out weekends for family time if they so wish but if they're too rigid about it over the years then it can have negative consequences down the line.

I don’t blame her one bit, and I think it’s unfair to expect someone to bend their own boundaries and make a special exception for something you see as a really important one-off, because lots of people have things that they see as really important one-offs (birthday parties, milestone celebrations, etc). If she accepted every invitation to everyone’s important one-off, she’d soon have very few weekends available. We have three children, and between them they have had birthday party invitations for every single weekend from mid-September through to October half term. We do not have your friend’s rule, but imagine if we did? Each birthday child’s parent would no doubt have your same reaction if I were to reply that we don’t do birthday parties at the weekend because it is family time. “It’s one party, why can’t you make an exception??” An exception for someone once or twice a year multiplied however many close friends each of your family members has equals a busy weekend schedule!

I enjoy weekend ‘family time’ because my daughter is little and at nursery so I don’t get much quality time with my partner and daughter. However I make an effort to spend some weekend days with friends on my own too, especially my childfree and single friends.

I wonder if a lot of people are so busy focusing on their kids while they're young that they don't really consider the bigger picture.

There was a thread on here not long ago about empty nesters, and it was filled with people who suddenly found themselves with nothing to do at weekends or in the evenings because they'd spent the best part of twenty years putting their kids and families first.

It made me quite sad really - of course it's normal to miss your children but it's not normal to focus on them to the complete exclusion of everything else.

But it's not healthy to isolate your closest circle down to just your family.

As I said in my own post, my SIL has such tight rules that even wider family aren't allowed to see them on the weekends. It's just her, her husband and the kids. It means even the wider family is giving up on them, because it's just rude.

A birthday party doesn't mean no family time at the weekend. It just means a little less.

Was always my family rule as a kid and we basically continue it now. Some exceptions but we did and do turn down things because it was family time at the weekend.