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Original poster

Really upset by teen comment about Christmas

306 replies

lurchersforever · 30/09/2024 22:04

He's 17. Not materialistic and very difficult to buy for. Doesn't really like 'stuff', no interest in fashion/clothes etc or the latest tech. I tend to spend on experiences - he likes theatre, sport but traditionally has done that with ex, though ex has cooled on it recently. Likes books. Usually says he wants nothing. Younger brother (15) is a bit easier -collects vinyl by his favourite artists, likes 'merch' connected to them etc.

I probably spend around £200-£300 each on them, but that will include everything - Xmas Eve boxes, stockings, advent calendars etc. There have been years when it has been considerably more for bikes, ipads, gaming laptops, but these have been rare and not recent as they have what they need.

I always say 'I am cutting back this year,' and then don't really, but I suppose compared to some I don't really spend that much. Family is small and the vast majority of what they get comes from me.

Next year we are going to the USA, which will cost a lot more than our usual European holidays. DS2 was the driving force behind this and ds1 took some persuading but is now happy with what we have planned and looking forward to it. Tonight I happened to make my 'cutting back' comment and linked it to going to USA he said 'It wasn't my idea to go there,' and then added 'You already have cut back and have for years.' I asked what he meant and he repeated it basically. I asked how he'd describe our Christmases and he said 'low-key,' which I suppose is true but I also thought they were special and he never asks for a lot or expresses disappointment. In fact, the only times I have sensed and disappointment from him at Christmas is when I've got him stuff I can tell he hasn't really wanted and he feels bad.

Anyway, I was upset and he was angry and frustrated with me and said he can't say anything. I just feel like he thinks our Christmases are crappy. It's blown over now and I won't mention it again to him but I feel rubbish now.

OP posts:
Figsonit · 30/09/2024 22:59

I don't know why you feel the need to announce you are 'cutting back' each year. It sort of kills the festive mood before it even starts. I doubt anybody is actually totalling up what they got on the day. It's like you are complaining about having Christmas because of the cost.

ImpossiblePossible · 30/09/2024 23:01

Well, stop killing the mood. Don’t stay you are ‘cutting back’. Say ‘let’s have a brilliant Christmas this year’.

it isn’t about money, its about attitude.

OurLadySaphire · 30/09/2024 23:01

Yea talking about cutting back could make him feel guilty at Christmas time?

idk, he’s a teen. They say hurtful things. Don’t dwell x

Interested in this thread?

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Christmas Events & celebrations
Precipice · 30/09/2024 23:03

200-300 pounds on each is massive.

Why are you even talking about Christmas in September?

TenderChicken · 30/09/2024 23:25

Sorry but I see where your son is coming from. You basically announce, "expect a disappointing Christmas this year" every year for absolutely no reason. And this year it's "expect a disappointing Christmas because I'm taking you on this holiday you didn't really want."

Why do you do this? Even if you did need to cut back financially, why announce it unless the change was going to be drastic?

What about the non-monetary aspects of Christmas that make of special? Like getting all the family together, Christmas events, etc. What do you do?

InWalksBarberalla · 30/09/2024 23:30

If you've been saying 'I'm going to cut back this year' for years then it's hardly surprising that you teen responded that you have cut back for years?

Twistybranch · 30/09/2024 23:40

He wasn’t saying Christmas was crappy though. That’s you projecting.

If you are saying you are cutting back, again, after saying you’ve been doing it for years- coupled with the trip to the US, he maybe feels that’s you saying don’t expect much this year.

He was moaning, as teenagers do. It was a grumble, not a big deal. He wasn’t criticising your Xmas….he was commenting on the money issue that you brought up.

BirthdeighParteigh · 30/09/2024 23:40

So every year you taunt him about Christmas being a bit shitter than last year. This year you level up and tell him it’s because of a holiday he didn’t choose. And yet you’re the one who is upset?

Calliopespa · 30/09/2024 23:43

Figsonit · 30/09/2024 22:59

I don't know why you feel the need to announce you are 'cutting back' each year. It sort of kills the festive mood before it even starts. I doubt anybody is actually totalling up what they got on the day. It's like you are complaining about having Christmas because of the cost.

Yes I think you might have seeded the idea op! I suspect he would have been pretty happy if you hadn’t labelled them as cut back affairs!

But it’s no biggie: teens are inclined to be unimpressed by life. Have fun on your trip.

Singleandproud · 30/09/2024 23:45

You've told him you've been cutting back for years and he thought you had been cutting back I'm not sure why you felt bad as it's what you've been saying.

Obviously the magical Christmases when he was little before he remembers you saying that would have been piles of presents if you were spending £300 each as you get a lot more bang for your buck when little. Compared to 'just' a phone/console/laptop/gift voucher

Bournetilly · 30/09/2024 23:46

He said you’ve been cutting back for years because you say you are cutting back every year. He might not remember the last year you didn’t say you were cutting back, so might think you used to spend more when he was younger.

Also it doesn’t sound like he was bothered about the holiday, so it isn’t fair to say he won’t be getting as much because he’s going on a holiday that he wasn’t even bothered about going on.

ChefsKisser · 30/09/2024 23:49

TenderChicken · 30/09/2024 23:25

Sorry but I see where your son is coming from. You basically announce, "expect a disappointing Christmas this year" every year for absolutely no reason. And this year it's "expect a disappointing Christmas because I'm taking you on this holiday you didn't really want."

Why do you do this? Even if you did need to cut back financially, why announce it unless the change was going to be drastic?

What about the non-monetary aspects of Christmas that make of special? Like getting all the family together, Christmas events, etc. What do you do?

This! Why make a thing of saying you’re cutting back how odd.

Melonjuice · 30/09/2024 23:50

Vouchers

Livinginaclock · 30/09/2024 23:51

You're making a mountain out of a mole hiill.
Your son has done nothing wrong.
Why on earth do you keep announcing you're cutting back, then don't?
That's just weird.

BeMintBee · 01/10/2024 00:02

Low key doesn’t equate to crappy. I think you were unfair to get upset and I’m not surprised he was frustrated with you.

God it’s only September and you’re already making your annual “prepare for a leaner Christmas” speech, how depressing!

Remaker · 01/10/2024 00:10

It is a big miserable to tell them you’re cutting back when it’s only September. And he might have been referring to the fact that you say it every year?

They’re old enough to have a conversation about what they want Christmas to look like. Do you still do Christmas Eve boxes (thank goodness they are not a thing where I live!) and advent calendars for teenagers? Maybe they’d like just one really good present and lots of yummy food and treats.

pinkdelight · 01/10/2024 00:13

I always say 'I am cutting back this year,' and then don't really,

Stop saying it then. And if you have form for saying meaningless things, then why read loads of extra negative meaning into what he says?

olivepoems · 01/10/2024 00:15

Sorry OP but I'm with your son here - sounds like he can't do right for wrong. Sounds like he's not very materialistic which is good.

You seem annoyed he's not acting exactly as you want him too and I'm not sure what you really want him to say after your yearly cutting back Christmas misery speech.

EI12 · 01/10/2024 00:15

Ridiculous amounts of money to be spent on them.

Malbecmoron · 01/10/2024 00:16

Teens can be hurtful. They are still learning about tone etc. let it wash over you and try not to be upset or react.

shuggles · 01/10/2024 00:17

@lurchersforever £200 - £300 is a lot, especially for a 17 year old who should be expecting fewer and smaller presents for Christmas. Also, given there is a history of these kids receiving Christmas gifts like bikes, ipads, and gaming laptops, it's a real stretch to say these days have been "low-key."

Is it possible that your teen has seen those social media posts about kids receiving the latest iPhone or a car for Christmas? If so, those could be setting unrealistic expectations. Kids being handed a car is completely disgusting and no teen should ever simply be handed one- they should have to save by working a job.

iNoticed · 01/10/2024 00:20

As PP said, from your son’s perspective you’ve told him each year that he’s getting less than the year before. He won’t be adding up what you actually spend and tracking it so his perception is just taking you at your word. Has this stopped him asking for things he might have wanted in previous years as he thinks it’s out of budget? Now his brother is getting a dream holiday and he is to “suffer” yet again?

I can see how he feels.

PadstowGirl · 01/10/2024 00:21

shuggles · 01/10/2024 00:17

@lurchersforever £200 - £300 is a lot, especially for a 17 year old who should be expecting fewer and smaller presents for Christmas. Also, given there is a history of these kids receiving Christmas gifts like bikes, ipads, and gaming laptops, it's a real stretch to say these days have been "low-key."

Is it possible that your teen has seen those social media posts about kids receiving the latest iPhone or a car for Christmas? If so, those could be setting unrealistic expectations. Kids being handed a car is completely disgusting and no teen should ever simply be handed one- they should have to save by working a job.

Edited

Blimey ok Shuggles keep your hair on.

I've never bought my DCs cars but I don't object to those who do. Good for them.

£200 really isn't that much anymore. Our local social services gives each foster child £350 allowance for Xmas presents. So they obviously consider that a fair and average amount

Starlight7080 · 01/10/2024 00:22

Maybe he doesn't ask for anything because you have been cutting back for years to pay for holidays and such .
I suppose that shows he is nice and understanding.
But given its the start of October and you have already said cutting back for a holiday next year he may have just been a bit down about Christmas already
Before he has not even had chance to get excited about it.
No-one wants to associate Christmas with budgeting.
Especially not a teenager

Overtheatlantic · 01/10/2024 00:23

There’s nothing wrong with spending £200-£300 if that’s what you can afford but it almost seems like you resent it so want to take the wind out of their sails.

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