Really upset by teen comment about Christmas

[lurchersforever]

He's 17. Not materialistic and very difficult to buy for. Doesn't really like 'stuff', no interest in fashion/clothes etc or the latest tech. I tend to spend on experiences - he likes theatre, sport but traditionally has done that with ex, though ex has cooled on it recently. Likes books. Usually says he wants nothing. Younger brother (15) is a bit easier -collects vinyl by his favourite artists, likes 'merch' connected to them etc.

I probably spend around £200-£300 each on them, but that will include everything - Xmas Eve boxes, stockings, advent calendars etc. There have been years when it has been considerably more for bikes, ipads, gaming laptops, but these have been rare and not recent as they have what they need.

I always say 'I am cutting back this year,' and then don't really, but I suppose compared to some I don't really spend that much. Family is small and the vast majority of what they get comes from me.

Next year we are going to the USA, which will cost a lot more than our usual European holidays. DS2 was the driving force behind this and ds1 took some persuading but is now happy with what we have planned and looking forward to it. Tonight I happened to make my 'cutting back' comment and linked it to going to USA he said 'It wasn't my idea to go there,' and then added 'You already have cut back and have for years.' I asked what he meant and he repeated it basically. I asked how he'd describe our Christmases and he said 'low-key,' which I suppose is true but I also thought they were special and he never asks for a lot or expresses disappointment. In fact, the only times I have sensed and disappointment from him at Christmas is when I've got him stuff I can tell he hasn't really wanted and he feels bad.

Anyway, I was upset and he was angry and frustrated with me and said he can't say anything. I just feel like he thinks our Christmases are crappy. It's blown over now and I won't mention it again to him but I feel rubbish now.

You need to have a word with him about being selfish. Going on a holiday to America and still complaining about Christmas being low key. Do some parenting while he's still young enough to listen.

The problem is that for years and years you have been framing perfectly 'normal' Christmases as 'cutting back' - why have you done this?
You spend generously on them, even giving them bloody Christmas eve boxes (!?) and tell them you this is what cutting back looks like when in most other households this is an epic Christmas.
Are you generally a cup half empty person @lurchersforever?

Even with your update it sounds like the annual, "I'm cutting back this year," comments could be stripping the joy a bit. You don't need to say that. Agree with PP that similar comments made me feel less worthy as a child.

I always say 'I am cutting back this year,'

Why the need to always say it? And again yesterday? Your son is being honest. Sounds to me like the truth hurts OP.

I think the issue is he upset you so feels he can't say anything here.

It's not about Christmas.

Our teenagers, who know they are given anything we can, not just materialistically, time, experiences, can sometimes say hurtful things. Water off a duck's back. They love us we love them sometimes we all piss each other off.

A 17 year old doesn’t need Xmas eve boxers, you can save money right there,
How about not mentioning money and just giving the presents.

@lurchersforever

Thank you for starting this thread, as it's given an insight to my own mindset - as although I love Christmas, we aren't always fush with cash and your comment about 'cutting back this year' is exactly the sort of thing I'd say not realising it does actually sound negative. This year I've retired, the kids are older teens/twenties and definitely won't be splurging on gifts...but maybe I'll remember to keep my mouth shut! 😅

I think this is it !
He has never been able to ask for what he would like incase it’s too expensive .
with the “cut backs “ every year

bloody hell op

you are trying to engage in psychological war fare with your own teen son

back away and leave the poor boy alone

YABU. I think you should apologise to him for your overreaction and realise this is a scenario of your own making.

FWIW I don't think he was implying your Christmases are shit.

But that’s a holiday
He was asked about Christmas
Not about their holiday plans

Point him to the Stately Homes thread OP.

I agree that you have overreacted @lurchersforever . It sounds like he is upset about something, I would gently try to find out what.

Every single year as a teenager (and even now) my mum announces ‘don’t get too excited’ before we open our Christmas presents. It used to be the biggest mood dampener. Your son is no doubt just fed up with being told to lower his expectations again! It doesn’t mean he thinks your Christmases are shit - he’s just tired of this comment!!

I’m just stunned how much people pay for Christmas. I spend c2-300 per child and genuinely think it’s an outrageous amount, despite being able to easily afford it. I don’t bang on about it though.

our main disagreement is turkey or goose - I love the former, plus great for ongoing sandwiches, DH the latter

I found this a bit weird too. I'd hardly call £200-300 presents and a USA trip "cutting back".

The thing is- you are framing expensive presents (gaming laptops arent cheap) in a negative light so after years of this they dont sound very special.

Are you generally quite negative about things? Words are important. My parents were very glass half empty people and it did affect me, I've worked really hard to counter that and develop a more positive attitude myself. I am not saying you should throw a parade because he got a tangerine in his stocking or be silly about it but modelling a bit of gratitude and positivity is really important for kids.

You have framed Christmas as a time of financial cutting back (negative) every single year and now you seem to be wondering why there is no excitement there and they are being negative- it seems quite obvious to me.

You've taught him to not want anything for Christmas by the 'times are hard, don't get your hopes up' speeches every September.

Why were you announcing your Christmas will be cut back in September? My next door neighbour always tells everyone that's she's taking the tree down on Boxing Day before she's put the thing up. It's like she can't beat anyone to enjoy themselves without reminding people that she's the one in charge.

He's probably not asking for anything because you have made him feel guilty year after year.

Why shocked? Don't children who have ended up in foster care have hard enough lives? I certainly don't begrudge it.

Your son has a point, op. I would irritated if someone kept mentioning "cutting back" this Christmas...you don't have to declare it, just do it. But even then you were declaring it without even doing it
Re the trip to the US, you said yourself he didn't really want to go at first and had to be persuaded... Seems unfair to now make that part of his Christmas.

DC has been listening to you all these years, which should make you happy - but no, you don't like being reminded of your own words. This is the kind of dynamic that makes people go no contact with their parents btw.

He is 17, heading towards a young adult. Take a long think about how you want that relationship to look in the long term.

I totally understand where your son is coming from
My mum ( single mother) used to say she was cutting back every Christmas and it used to upset me and make me feel guilty. I know that wasn’t her intention but that is how she made me feel.
You son doesn’t ask for much, so he is probably annoyed that you keep going on about cost when he is not asking for any expensive presents

"For a 17 year old? Generally a 17 year old would just be receiving a few bits and pieces, aftershave, clothes, books, some cash. What on earth would a 17 year old be receiving that's in excess of £200-£300?"

How in the world could you possibly know what every 17 year old would "generally" receive at Christmas?

Do you seriously believe every person lives exactly as you do? How odd.

Hopefully there's enough smelling salts to go around for this next bit, but..

My 17 year old is getting a 1,200 telescope for Christmas.

Why do you think he’s doesn’t ask for anything for Xmas? Because you’re cutting back. He’s took on that financial burden. Diff situation but I’m bereaved a husband and my 15 year old is of course aware we have less money as his dad giant here and he will literally try to manage the purse strings (even though he doesn’t have to). Your son is doing the same.

She is worried that her son is upset and hasn't enjoyed previous Christmas's. She has come here for advice. Describing that as psychological warfare with her own son is unkind and untrue. Your later comment about directing him to the Stately Homes thread is ridiculous. That thread is for people who have suffered physical and psychological abuse from their parents. Why you think that the situation between OP and her son compares to the sort of parenting described on the Stately Homes thread is unclear. Do you really believe that or do you just want to upset the OP?