Really upset by teen comment about Christmas

[lurchersforever]

He's 17. Not materialistic and very difficult to buy for. Doesn't really like 'stuff', no interest in fashion/clothes etc or the latest tech. I tend to spend on experiences - he likes theatre, sport but traditionally has done that with ex, though ex has cooled on it recently. Likes books. Usually says he wants nothing. Younger brother (15) is a bit easier -collects vinyl by his favourite artists, likes 'merch' connected to them etc.

I probably spend around £200-£300 each on them, but that will include everything - Xmas Eve boxes, stockings, advent calendars etc. There have been years when it has been considerably more for bikes, ipads, gaming laptops, but these have been rare and not recent as they have what they need.

I always say 'I am cutting back this year,' and then don't really, but I suppose compared to some I don't really spend that much. Family is small and the vast majority of what they get comes from me.

Next year we are going to the USA, which will cost a lot more than our usual European holidays. DS2 was the driving force behind this and ds1 took some persuading but is now happy with what we have planned and looking forward to it. Tonight I happened to make my 'cutting back' comment and linked it to going to USA he said 'It wasn't my idea to go there,' and then added 'You already have cut back and have for years.' I asked what he meant and he repeated it basically. I asked how he'd describe our Christmases and he said 'low-key,' which I suppose is true but I also thought they were special and he never asks for a lot or expresses disappointment. In fact, the only times I have sensed and disappointment from him at Christmas is when I've got him stuff I can tell he hasn't really wanted and he feels bad.

Anyway, I was upset and he was angry and frustrated with me and said he can't say anything. I just feel like he thinks our Christmases are crappy. It's blown over now and I won't mention it again to him but I feel rubbish now.

Congratulations, OP - you have a typical teen!

Perhaps try to migrate Xmas from present fest to family get-together time.

We were working abroad for Xmas last year so over-compensated with a mountain of gifts. The kids were happy but commented that they missed their grandparents, uncles and cousins. That stuff is free.

"even tho Christmas, materialistic isn't your scene.I do it. I've overspend/went all out on trip(I hope you love) I had to convince you to take....now I feel shit cos you ar not even low key thrilled
Is what h hears

@PadstowGirl £200 really isn't that much anymore.

For a 17 year old? Generally a 17 year old would just be receiving a few bits and pieces, aftershave, clothes, books, some cash. What on earth would a 17 year old be receiving that's in excess of £200-£300?

Our local social services gives each foster child £350 allowance for Xmas presents. So they obviously consider that a fair and average amount

Yes, for younger children. Not a borderline grown-man.

I always say 'I am cutting back this year,' and then don't really

Ah, good old lip service. Reminds me of a lady who attended a surprise birthday party for my mother's 60th. She spent the whole evening saying she wasn't stopping / just popped in / couldn't stay long. She was one of the last to leave.

But I suspect to all who didn't realise this, they'd think she only stayed for one sausage roll & a quick dance.

I can never understand why those who do lip service get all flustered when someone takes them seriously.

Christmas is about more than the stuff though.

Someone could spend several thousand on me and Christmas would still feel "low key" because to me it's about things like ice skating and family gatherings and decorating the house and baking

Exactly this.

She said he likes theatre, a couple of decent seats at a West End show could easily be around that.

Everyone else has said it.

Tonight I happened to make my 'cutting back' comment

You’ve made talking down Christmas into an annual tradition!

😆

Why make this miserable annual announcement? It's fine to cut back or not but stop talking about it and making it all so negative.

I've just looked. Our county gives around £250 ... And this is to cover the whole of Christmas so hopefully not just gifts but some nice trips out etc. It's sad if we reduce Christmas to just a pile of gifts.

We probably spend £200 tops per child on gifts but they are also going to a panto and Elf the musical, a Christmas concert and ice skating. And then we will also decorate the house, have several special meals, do gingerbread decorating, have friends round, get a new board game or two

We could spend £1000 each on the children just on presents but they would be opened in minutes and forgotten about by the following Christmas

I second this - and it also colours how they actually see christmas

Agree with others, this is a mess of your own making. You seem to the one obsessed with Christmas and making it a big thing, and he has called you out on your bullshit.

My mum has been cutting back for decades too. And I've never put a finger on why it annoys me so much.
What bugs me even more is coming up with "cut back" ideas and then the "extras" I just don't know what to do with.

It's like a political statement but you can't really say anything if she wants to spend less it's her money

While I don't think £2-300 is wild I think it would almost be better to say Budget is £200 give me ideas

100% This ⬆️

How else do you make it special/ fun? sillly games? watching films?

I asked how he'd describe our Christmases and he said 'low-key,' which I suppose is true but I also thought they were special and he never asks for a lot or expresses disappointment.

You tell him that money is tight every year- of course a naturally considerate and empathetic child will feel like they can’t ask for much/ anything or express disappointment. My husband does this to me on my birthday and it’s genuinely upsetting- he’ll tell me how money is so tight and he needs to pay X tax bill, sign the kids up to Y club- then ask me what I want for my birthday right after. It puts me in the position where saying what I actually want feels unreasonable and selfish- like I’m taking opportunities away from the kids by asking to be treated. Genuinely puts such a downer on my birthday.

Be proud you’ve raised a kind, considerate and empathetic son. But please make an effort this year to not put that worry and burden on him of limiting and silencing his wants because you’ve told him money is an issue. Let Christmas be a celebration and joyful time for him, rather than a time where your kids are basically told to worry about money for no actual reason (sounds like you spend similar amounts each year). In the meantime, I think you owe him an apology.

He never asks for anything because he's afraid you won't be able to afford Christmas.

I'm with all the PPs who have asked why you dump your financial anxiety on your kids, completely unnecessarily, if you spend what you report annually.

Your son spends the run up to Christmas minding your feelings for you. No wonder he's upset and feels Christmas is pretty crappy.

It sounds like you putting a downer on Christmas is an annual tradition!
If you need to cut back, just do it. You don’t need to tell them every bloody year. Let them enjoy it, be happy and stop piling money worries on them.

So every year you announce you are cutting back which kills the mood and projects guilt.

Then you don't cut back and assume your kids know?

They think you're cutting back because you told them. Your son's description is probably in part due to his lack of care for Xmas.

I'd stop saying anything about money and just spend what you feel is appropriate.

Ahh now I’m worried because I told my kids we’re cutting back for the last few years. I do massive christmases for them and it’s getting out of hand (but have failed to cut back any time I’ve said we were too).

edited to add - teen knows I haven’t cut back at all. Last year she walked into the living room and laughed, said she knew I’d not manage it. Will stop saying it though having read all these comments!

Fair enough for you to dictate the budget but the whole I’m cutting back and then complaint about a child who was meh about a big Holiday his brother wanted .
plus 2-300 isn’t much scope for anything sadly these days but including stockings and advent calendars no wonder he’s done

Let me guess, when somebody asks what you're planning for Christmas or how yours was, you reply self-deprecatingly "Oh, we keep it pretty low-key" ...

It sounds like you do a lot, but making that comment every year is a downer and he is just responding to that.

I always say 'I am cutting back this year,' and then don't really

YOU know that, but do THEY? Or do they take you at your word that Christmas is going to be bleak this year (which is what you make it sound like)?

Something else that occurs to me. DS2 is easy to buy for - records and merch. So he's probably chuffed on Christmas morning. But DS1 is always disappointed. Have you asked him what he wants? Given him money to buy for himself? Or do you just decide?

So now, after years of watching his younger brother have presents he loves while his miss the mark, you're now going on a holiday that DS1 doesn't really want but has to go on because DS2 does.

It may not be your intention but I wouldn't be surprised if he feels DS2 is the golden child and he comes second.

Or that he's not asking for anything. YABU to announce cutting back every year.